Chapter 18
18
MALLORY
I t's nice lying in Brady's arms. And it's also nice when he starts moving again, begins to undress me, kiss me, touch me between my legs, enter me with his fingers, make me come.
And the nicest part is when he puts on a condom and then slowly enters me, looking into my eyes the whole time. He supports himself on his elbows, holds my face, smiles at me as we connect. He presses his lips against mine, which I open with a moan. He kisses me slowly and leisurely, and he fucks me at the same pace. And it feels so good.
I caress his cheeks, his head, his shoulders, his arms, his back. Wrap my legs around him, holding him deep inside me. I suspected it before, but Brady O'Brien knows exactly how to fuck a woman to make her fall in love with him.
Oh no, better not falling in love. That's not a good idea.
But in this moment, I feel it's already too late for that. I'm in love with him. Completely and utterly.
I look into his eyes, he smiles at me. Maybe I'm imagining it, but it looks like there's more than just lust in his gaze.
His lips find mine again, he kisses me like he actually likes me. You don't kiss a one-night stand like this. Not like this.
He strokes my cheek, kisses me once more before pulling out of me. Brady turns me around, pulls my hips up, enters me deeply and makes me burn up because it's just so damn hot.
"Oh God, Brady," I moan as he thrusts into me.
"Faster?"
"Yes, please."
And then his fingers dig into my hips, his body slaps against mine. I hold onto my bedspread, bite my lips to keep from screaming, but I have to scream. There's no other way. It's too good, way too good. I love it so much that I can't imagine ever fucking another man again.
"God, yes, Brady," I gasp.
He reaches around my legs, finds my clit, which he's already massaged so well before, and does it again. And it takes maybe thirty seconds max before I come with his name on my lips.
I collapse in on myself, held up only by his hands. He thrusts a few more times before coming with a growl. He's breathing heavily as he lies down next to me, pulls me into his arms. And then I know nothing more.
* * *
When I wake up in the night, he's gone. I reach out for him, but he's no longer there. I quickly get up, go into the living room, check the bathroom, but he's gone. There's a note on the table:
Mo stóirín,
thank you for this wonderful evening with you. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay longer because I had to relieve my mother from babysitting. I'm really sorry I left without saying goodbye, but I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful.
Will we see each other again in four weeks? I'd be happy to. Same time, same place?
xoxo, B.
Hmm, I obviously don't like that he just left, but he had the best excuse. His daughter comes first. Though it occurs to me that we never actually talked. Not a word. It was just about sex. And if I'm honest, that's not how I imagined it. If we're just going to fuck once a month, we might as well not bother at all. But now I have four weeks to think about what exactly I want and how I can make sure I get it.
brADY
I’m an aushole for leaving without a word, but my phone reminded me that it was almost half past eleven. I had promised Mom I'd pick up Kira at midnight. I had originally planned for her to sleep over at Orla's, but then Róisín caught a cold and we thought it better if they didn't see each other today. That stole time that I would have loved to spend with Mallory.
Instead, I'm now driving to San Francisco to pick up my daughter. And that's not meant to sound bitter, because I love this child incredibly much, but the evening with Mallory was also so beautiful. I just regret that even on this one day, I couldn't give her the feeling that she's my priority. No, once again she had to take a back seat. That's just not fair.
And yet I hope we'll see each other again.
* * *
"Thanks, Mom," I say as I carry the half-asleep Kira out of the house.
"Anytime, you know that. She's such a wonderful child."
I kiss her on the cheek. "Monday still works for you?"
"Yes, of course. Don't you dare take away my day with my granddaughter."
"I never would. Sleep well."
"You too. Drive carefully."
I put Kira in her booster seat, buckle her in, and then head home.
When I finally lie on the couch—I haven't had time to look at other apartments yet—thoughts of Mallory fill my head. It was just so nice to see her again. And to fuck her. Hey, I'm a man. Of course that was the best part. But also holding her in my arms, watching her sleep, being just Brady again for an evening and not the half-failing father I've been these past weeks.
With thoughts of her beautiful eyes, I fall asleep.
* * *
The next day I have a meeting with Cam, who wants to update me on his progress. Meanwhile, Kira is being entertained by Sam and Leah, who have become really good friends lately. But Sam is just funny and has truly earned her place as an O'Brien.
"So, what's up?" I ask Cam, while keeping one eye on Kira. Not that I don't trust the two of them, but it's become second nature for me by now. Even more so since she's currently on that climbing frame, with her feet not touching the ground.
"Mindy has agreed."
"To what?" I look at him.
"She's giving you sole custody."
I stare at Cam as if I can't understand what he's saying. "Excuse me?"
"She's waiving all her parental rights, but doesn't want to pay child support either."
"Hmm."
How can she do this? How can she just discard Kira like that? I simply don't understand. Does she have so little feeling for her own child? This can't be true.
"I don't understand it either, Brady. How someone can give up their own child. But basically, this is good for us, right?"
"Yes. It's just... I somehow thought she would come to her senses. That she would realize she misses her daughter."
"I'm sure she does. But you said her husband only wants her back without the child. Maybe it's easier for her if she has no contact at all."
"I don't give a damn what's easier for her. That's not how you act as a mother or father."
"I agree with you, completely. But it makes things easier for us. If you have sole custody, she can never take her away from you again."
I run my hand over my head. "Yes, it makes it easier for us, but what about Kira? Knowing her mom didn't want her is already hurting her, but if we tell her now that she'll never come back, it will probably hurt her twice as much."
"She doesn't have to know. I mean, nothing changes for her. When she's older and asks, you can tell her, but right now there's no reason to make things harder for her, is there?"
"You're probably right."
Basically, I don't think it's a good idea to lie to your own child. Sure, I'm just withholding information rather than lying, but they both feel equally bad when you find out.
"Have you spoken to her again, by the way?"
"I tried calling several times. When I finally left a message on her voicemail, she responded a few days later with all the information I wanted. But not a word about Kira, how she's doing, whether she misses her. Nothing."
"That's really incomprehensible. I can't understand it at all."
"As a lawyer, don't you deal with a lot of strange people?"
"That would probably be the case if I were in family law. But I don't need to put myself through that."
"I don't get that at all." I grin at him.
"Have you two settled in well together?"
"I think as well as can be expected under the circumstances. She still cries, doesn't understand how her mom could abandon her like that."
"Should I try to arrange a meeting for Kira?"
"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe we should ask Leah what she thinks is best in this situation. Though I also doubt Mindy would agree to it if she won't even answer the phone when I call."
How you can be mistaken about people, right? I never would have thought that Mindy could be like this. When we first met, I actually felt that she was a very sweet person. But of course, a person can change in nine years. It would be strange if she were still the same person she was back then.
But it's still very unfortunate, because I once loved her. Now it feels like a waste of time.
I know I shouldn't think that way, but that's how it feels anyway. Although at the same time, I'm grateful because I truly love this little girl, who's currently climbing much too high for my taste, and I can't even imagine what life would be like without her.
"How are you handling everything?"
"Whew, it's definitely an adjustment. It's strange when you no longer think of yourself first, but of someone else. Many things have changed—I sleep on a couch instead of a bed, but it's also really enriching. I had no idea how wonderful it could be to be responsible for someone."
Cam smiles. "Not being alone definitely has its good sides."
"Absolutely."
At that moment, three laughing women return to us. I love it so much when she laughs. She throws her arms around me. What I love even more because it's obviously becoming normal for her to touch me.
"Can I have an ice cream?"
Leah grins at me. "I told her she had to ask you."
I roll my eyes because my cousin knows perfectly well that I won't say no. "Okay, but just one flavor."
She jumps up and down. "Yay!"
Sam holds out her hand. "Come on, I'll go with you. Do you all want something too?"
I shake my head, but Cam orders a scoop of pistachio. Then the two march off to the small ice cream truck that's parked near the playground. Super strategic so all the kids can see it and the parents hardly have any choice but to say yes.
"She looks better," Leah says.
I nod. "We're slowly finding our groove."
"Good. Is the child psychologist helping?"
"I think so. But I believe what helps her most is being spoiled from all sides. Seems like she hasn't really experienced that before."
"She told me the other day that at first she never wanted to be loud, but when she met Aoife, who isn't quiet for a second, she realized that none of us mind if she makes noise, and laughs at the top of her lungs."
I watch my girl walking away. "That's really my favorite sound."
"By the way, how was your date yesterday?" Leah asks.
I groan. "Who snitched? Mom or Finn?"
Cam chimes in: "I haven't heard anything about this! You had a date?"
Leah explains: "I called your mom yesterday because I wanted to know something about our family weekend, and she told me about it."
I rub my neck. "Whew, I don't know. I mean, it was nice, really nice. And sexy. But... I wonder what kind of future it has."
"What do you mean?" Leah asks.
"Well, I don't exactly have a lot of time for another woman in my life right now."
"But she'll understand that," Cam says with raised eyebrows.
"She does, but she's amazing. She should have a man who worships the ground she walks on."
Leah grins. "Well, then start doing that."
"I can't even find time for the gym these days."
Cam laughs. "Was about to say something."
"Asshole."
"Brady, I don't understand your problem," Leah says. "Can you imagine more with this woman?"
"Yes."
"Then include her in your life. You're a father now, she has to deal with that."
"But I can't introduce her to Kira this early."
"Why not?" she asks.
"Well, because we don't know each other that well yet. Maybe it won't work out."
Leah nods. "That's why I asked if you can imagine more. If you think it's something long-term, then you can introduce them now. But if you're not sure, it's better if you don't."
And isn’t that the crucial question?
MALLORY
I had sent Brady a message. Same place, same time. In four weeks. But after that, there was no further contact, which is good for me. I realize that I can handle seeing him so rarely, but I couldn't bear this daily waiting. Waiting again and again for a word from him would kill me.
It's definitely very good that I have so much to do in my new job that I'm rarely at home. But Roberto pays me overtime, which is a great change. However, I have no opportunity to spend the money because I’m at the office all the time.
One weekend, I visit Gran. Theo is simply the perfect man for her. It's fun watching the two lovebirds. I went to the movies once with Carrie and Tina, and then the time just flew by.
* * *
Four weeks didn't seem long at all when I drive to the Baylands that evening. They passed in a flash. You just need enough variety, then it works out.
This time Brady isn't here yet, so I stay sitting in my car and watch a video Neil sent me from Chile. It's of an alpaca or llama. I can never tell them apart. But anyway, it's so cute that I wish I had one too. It could live in the courtyard of my apartment building. That would surely be totally great for the animal. Living in a stone desert with nothing but high walls all around. That just screams appropriate animal husbandry.
There's a knock on my window and I startle. Then I smile. Brady.
Sexy Brady, who's smiling at me.
I open the door. "Hey, stranger."
"Hey, mo stóirín . All good?"
I should really look up what that means. Seriously. He's got to be messing with me.
"Hey, hello?" I get out, only to immediately land in his arms.
I cling to him, breathe him in.
"Kira is sleeping at Orla's. So I have the whole night."
"Excellent. Shall we go for a walk?"
He pulls away from me. "Really?"
I nod. "We didn't get around to talking last time. We wanted to, but then... Well, you were there."
He grins before taking my hand, intertwining our fingers. "Okay, then let's go for a walk."
It's the end of October and the temperatures are gradually getting cooler, though it doesn't get too cold here. Unlike San Francisco, the weather here isn't so crazy, which is really pleasant because you don't have to bring clothes for three climate zones, you just have to look out the window to know what the weather is like.
"So, how have the last four weeks been without me?" Brady jokes.
"Without you it was definitely lame, but basically the time just flew by. I have a new boss, the work is challenging but also really demanding, so I practically fall half-dead into bed every evening. And what about you?"
"Similar. I also have a new job. Dad." He grins. "Time just flies by and I collapse exhausted onto the couch every night. I've looked at a few new apartments, but haven't found the right one yet. It should also be in the catchment area of her school so she doesn't have to change schools again. She's just made friends with the others. That would be terrible."
"That would suck. And the two of you? Have you become friends?"
"We have. I don't want to say it's easy, because the situation still overwhelms me, but we've found a routine and my family helps me wherever they can. Honestly, without them I wouldn't know how to manage at all. Just having enough time to work. I don't know how other parents do it. The kids are only in school for six hours. My employer would think I was crazy if I had to stop working then."
"I believe you. But all the changes are worth it, aren't they?"
"Yes. She's worth it. Totally weird. I never wanted children and now I couldn't live without her."
"And the mother? Has she been in touch?"
"Only through her lawyer. I want to legally secure myself, so my cousin has taken over the custody proceedings. I thought it would be bad, but Mindy wants to give up her custody rights."
"Does Kira know that?" I ask horrified. God, that poor child! How terrible must it be for her to be rejected by her mother?
"No. I want to keep it to myself for now. If she asks me someday, I'll tell her of course, but at the moment it's better if she doesn't know anything."
"And your family? They must have been surprised too."
He grins. "Of course! But they're all in love with her. That's how it is in a big family."
"That's nice."
"I don't know anything about your family."
I turn my head a little into the wind, letting it blow through my hair. "We still don't know much about each other in general."
"That's true. But I know the most important thing."
"And what would that be?"
"That you're a very special person."
I smile at these words. "Okay, so my family... There's my brother Neil, who lives in Chile. My father, who's been working on an oil rig since I was a child, which is why we aren't close, and my Gran, who lives in Sacramento. She recently got a boyfriend, Theo. Her sons aren't too thrilled about it, but I'm a big fan. He makes her laugh and that's the best thing that can happen to someone. When you're old, finding someone you can laugh with again."
"Generally, it's nice to have someone you can laugh with."
I look at him. "That's true. That's a basic requirement. After all, you don't want someone who makes you sad."
"So you grew up with your Gran then?"
"Yes, exactly. After my mom died, she took us in. She and Gramps, but he passed away ten years ago. She's simply the best person I know. Really. You'd love her too."
"I'm sure I would. If she managed to raise such an amazing granddaughter, she must be pretty fabulous herself."
Of course I blush at his compliment. How could it be otherwise?
"And your family? It's big, isn't it?"
He laughs. "You could say that. There are many of them and they're loud and way too curious. Often they were just too much for me, which is why I always kept a bit of distance. But now? Now they're invaluable. Without them, I simply wouldn't know what to do."
"That's nice."
"It is. Did you sometimes miss not having a big family?"
"Oh, I could have one. Gran has two more sons who have children, plus their spouses and other relatives. That adds up to quite a few people."
"But?"
"I don't know. It never felt like my family. Maybe it's because the two boys were always closer to each other than to Mom. And I don't like how they treat Gran. They act like she's their property. I think adult children often tend to act as if the relationship has suddenly reversed. And basically that's a weak statement because I left Gran to them by moving away. If I had stayed with her, I might have become a counterbalance."
"Your Gran knows you love her."
"I know. But lately I've been wondering if she was lonely before she met Theo. Within a few years, her world shrank from four people to just one. Sure, she had the rest of the family, but in her household, she was suddenly alone."
"What would have been the alternative? Not living your life?"
I shrug. "Well, she did the same for Neil and me."
"But she would never expect that from you."
"I know. But lately I've been thinking about my life in general, whether I'm on the right path, whether I've set the right priorities. Whether a job where I work three million hours per week makes me happy. Whether it's smart to obsessively work toward a future that might never come, or if it would be better to live in the here and now."
Brady strokes my hand with his thumb. "Of course, only you can answer that for yourself, but my entire worldview has been turned upside down in the last few weeks. I've realized that family is much more important than I thought. I never even wanted to have children, and now I wouldn't give Kira up for anything in the world. It's not easy, but she's worth it. We can always change our lives if we don't like them. Theoretically, of course. There are certainly constraints that can't be overcome, but as a white single woman with a good education, the world is open to you."
"But don't you sometimes feel that all these seemingly endless possibilities totally paralyze you? If you study medicine, there's a ninety percent chance you'll become a doctor. If you study law, there's a ninety percent chance you'll become a lawyer, or maybe eighty percent and twenty percent that you'll become a business consultant. But when you study something like communications, everyone tells you that you can do anything with it, there are no limits. But this choice is frightening because you don't want to make mistakes. Because you don't see one path ahead of you, but a thousand branches. Some are paved roads, some are gravel paths, some are dead ends. And sometimes a road looks good only to take a curve and become the worst mud pit."
Brady pulls on my hand and I stop walking. "What do you want, Mallory Callahan?"
I shrug. "No idea."
"Yes, you do know. You just gave a monologue about possibilities that shows you've put an incredible amount of brainpower into it. So you also know what you want."
I look up at the sky, which is already slowly darkening. You can already see the light rosy shimmer of the sunset.
"I don't want to be alone."
And as I say it, I feel that it's true. That's the deepest wish of my heart. You can have incredibly many people around you and still be lonely. That's me, I realize. Neil and Gran are so far away, they might as well be colonizing another planet for humanity. Carrie and Tina live nearby, but... well, Tina is busy with her family and Carrie is caught up in her man stories. And basically, it's not their job to entertain me either.
What I'm missing is a friend, a partner, a man.
A family.
Of course I'm aware that a partner can't make you happy, but if that's what your heart longs for, then maybe it's a puzzle piece to happiness after all.
"I understand that very well. Loneliness sucks."
And somehow this would be the right moment when he could say that he wants to rescue me. But he says nothing.
When the silence between us becomes unbearable for me, I joke: "Wow, these are some deep conversations for a third date."
He smiles, caresses my hand, as if he knows exactly what I'm trying to do here and what I had hoped for. "You're a spectacular woman, Mallory. Really. It's not about you."
"Then what is it about?" I ask, because I'm obviously masochistically inclined.
He shrugs. "Timing."
I pull at my hand, don't want to stand around here anymore. He doesn't let go, but starts walking with me.
"It's really beautiful here," I say eventually. "I haven't been here in a really long time."
The Baylands are a marshland, the only one in the Bay Area, and a popular destination. The laid-out paths are suitable for walking, cycling or rollerblading, and heaven knows what else.
After a while, during which we continued walking in silence, we watch the play of colors in the sky as it shines in the most beautiful hues. Slowly we walk back as it gets darker.
Upon reaching the cars, I stand indecisively, not knowing what we should do. Did I ruin our evening because I wanted to talk? Did the serious topics spoil the mood?
Many questions swirl through my mind, but the most important one is probably: Do I even want to sleep with Brady now, after he's told me that nothing more is possible for him than these stolen hours every four weeks?
That's not enough for me.
"Is there a chance?" I therefore ask. I force myself to look at him while doing so, want to see his reaction.
He smiles. "There is a chance. I just need to sort out this life first."
I nod. "Okay."
Brady is still holding my hand, now comes closer. "I know that's not what you want to hear, and it's not what you deserve. And maybe this is all totally wild anyway, because we don't really know each other yet. But for me, it clicked right from the start. I'd like to give you everything you wish for, I just can't. Which has nothing to do with the fact that you're absolutely amazing."
"I understand."
His hand cups my face, lifts it up a bit more so that I look into his eyes again. "I want you, mo stóirín . Really. I just need a little more time."
"Okay."
He presses his lips to mine. And it's so much easier to kiss him than to push him away, which is why I return his kiss just as passionately.
I must be absolutely stupid.