Chapter 19
19
brADY
I hate myself for not being able to simply tell her, let's give it a try. The hope in her eyes nearly killed me, but what destroyed me was when it then faded.
Of course she can't understand it.
I don't understand it myself. Just yesterday, Leah said I should take the step of introducing Kira and Mallory to each other. And I want to.
But I'm also just so incredibly afraid.
Maybe these are all just excuses. That could be. Maybe everything would be less dramatic than I imagine.
I'm afraid of Kira's reaction. For the first time in her life, she has a person for whom she is the highest priority, and I don't want to take that away from her.
At the same time, I know that I can't spend my whole life alone just to avoid giving her abandonment issues.
And because I have no other answer, I kiss her.
And because she can't expect any other answer, she kisses me.
It doesn't take long before we find ourselves in the back seat of my car.
Frantically we tug at each other's clothes. Her hands brush over my head, my arms, my stomach, opening my pants. I help her pull them down while I try to peel her out of her jeans. One leg is enough. I put on a condom before lifting her onto my lap and entering her too fast and too deep. She gasps before lowering herself even deeper.
I grip her hips almost roughly as I thrust into her.
"Tits," I murmur, and she pulls up her top to hold them to my face.
I take a nipple in my mouth, sucking and biting, unable to get enough. Never enough.
"I'm almost there," I growl against her skin, which tastes so sweet it makes my head spin.
She nods. "Then come."
"Are you close?"
She nods again. "Yes, almost."
And then she comes, which relieves me, and I let go. I finish inside her, letting my forehead drop against her chest. Mallory wraps her arms around me, holds me tight, kisses the top of my head.
"Sorry," I say when I've caught my breath again.
I feel her smile. "It's fine. I wanted it too."
"That's a relief."
After a while, she climbs off me and pulls her jeans back on. While I remove the condom and get dressed too, I ask, "Do you want to go to your place?"
She leans toward me, kisses me on the cheek. "I'm a bit worn out. See you in four weeks?"
I nod, not sure what's happening here. "Everything okay?"
"Everything's okay." She kisses me on the lips. "We'll see each other in four weeks. Same time, same place?"
"Okay."
And then she gets out, almost running to her car, and I still don't know what to do. Did I just lose her?
MALLORY
I've never faked an orgasm in my life.
Until just now.
Trembling, I drive away, wanting to get as far from here as possible before Brady snaps out of his daze and maybe gets the idea to run after me. So I drive, even though I shouldn't be driving in this state.
I almost started crying during the sex—or should I call it fucking?—because I found the moment so awful. Yes, I wanted it too. Yes, I tugged at his clothes just as frantically, devoured him with my kisses just as much, wanted him just as badly, but at the same time, I was watching it from the outside, saw the desperation driving me, and still couldn't stop it.
I had to concentrate not to start crying, and when he asked if I was close, I faked the orgasm so it would be over.
Only to now be sitting in the car, blind with tears forcing their way out.
And I have no one to turn to. I'm completely alone.
That makes me even sadder. How can this be my life?
My phone rings. I glance at it. It's Brady. I don't answer, don't know what to say to him. Can't pretend everything's fine right now. Don't want to show him what this is doing to me.
I'm not ready to show him my inner self.
Because I know he can't handle it carefully right now. And I hate it. Really. I hate that I made him this suggestion. How could I think this would be okay for me?
They don't say better a painful ending than endless pain for nothing. Ending it would have been painful, but this? This is like being trapped in limbo.
And at the same time, I know I'll be back here in four weeks, because I still can't give up. I just can't. I don't even know why. If a friend told me she was behaving this stupidly, I'd tell her she was crazy. But we're always so much wiser about other people's lives. When it comes to ourselves, we act like we don't know any better. Feelings aren't rational. That's why you can't act rationally when they're involved.
No, love turns off the brain.
And the worst part is that I don't even know if it could become love, because he's not giving me a chance. I understand that Kira is his priority, but I don't understand why I'm not a priority at all. Or why I'm priority number seven hundred and eighty-three.
When he calls again, I still don't answer.
Because I know one thing: I can't make him a priority if he doesn't make me one.
brADY
I try calling her several times, but she doesn't answer. Fuck. I've made every mistake possible. Why didn't I just tell her, okay, Mallory, let's try ? Let's date properly and see where it leads? No, I pushed her away and then slept with her.
In what world is that a good idea?
In none.
How could I be so incredibly stupid?
I drive to her apartment, but her car isn't there. The thought that she might have gone somewhere else specifically because she doesn't want to see me hurts.
I stand in front of her building for fifteen minutes, but she doesn't come. I reach for my phone, try to call her again, but she's still ignoring me.
So I call Finn, though he probably doesn't have time and has to work. After all, it's Friday night and Juicy's is probably packed.
"Hey, man," he answers. The background noise proves he's at the bar.
"I know you don't have time, but I need some advice."
"Want to come over? I can take a break."
"Okay."
"Go to the side entrance and call me. I'll let you in."
"See you soon."
I don't know why, but the fact that I can talk to someone about this makes me feel better. As if just by speaking about it, I could transfer some of the weight to someone else. Which of course isn't fair, but still a comforting thought.
I park on a side street about a hundred blocks away, put my hands in my pockets, and walk through the night with hunched shoulders. Finn opens the door, looks at me before patting me on the back.
"Come in."
He opens another door in the hallway. It's an office. I sink onto the couch, elbows on my knees, face buried in my hands.
"What's wrong?" asks my little brother, who outgrew me a long time ago.
"I've made the biggest mistake of my life."
"Don't tell me you're taking Mindy back."
"No way. Come to think of it, this mistake wasn't that big."
"Phew, you scared me for a moment."
I sit up, only to sink back into the cushions as if I were so exhausted I couldn't hold myself upright anymore.
"Mallory."
"The girl you see every four weeks?"
"That's the one."
And then everything comes pouring out of me.
After I finish, Finn is quiet for a moment before asking, "And what do you want?"
"That's the million-dollar question."
"You should figure that out."
"The problem is that Mallory and I didn't have enough time to figure out if there's anything between us or if it's just sexual attraction, because Kira came crashing into my life after we'd only seen each other a few times."
"I'm no expert, but the fact that you're whining about it here seems proof enough that it's not just sexual attraction."
"I'm not whining."
Finn grins. "You are. And it's not attractive."
"Screw you."
"You've always been the one who knew exactly what you wanted. You've always gone your own way, no matter how difficult. Imagine Kira didn't exist, what would you want then?"
"But she does exist."
"What would you want then?"
"Mallory."
"If you know that, what's stopping you from doing everything you can to make her part of your life?"
"Kira, of course."
"But why? Do you want to be alone your whole life because you're a single father?"
I rub my face, massage my forehead. "But maybe it's too soon."
Finn shakes his head. "Those are just excuses. What if you had known Mallory for five months? Would you still be keeping her at a distance now?"
"No. I don't think so."
He punches me in the arm. "Well, then you have your answer."
"But I don't want to overwhelm Kira."
"Is Mallory a nice woman?"
"Yes, of course."
"Would she be an asset in Kira's life?"
"I’m sure of it."
He raises his arms before letting them fall. "Then I don't understand what your damn problem is."
"I should have gone to one of the girls instead of you."
"Why? Because I'm telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear?"
"Exactly. Your logic is getting on my nerves."
He laughs. "Oh, big little brother, that's life when you're the dumber brother."
"Fuck off."
"I hope you don't talk like that in front of my niece."
"I try not to," I admit, but it's not so easy to suddenly stop swearing when you've been using curse words all the time.
"Should I wash your mouth out with soap?"
I burst out laughing. "Do you remember when Grandma did that to Cian once?"
"I've never been so grateful as in that moment that I wasn't the oldest."
"Fuck, me too. Being number four protected me."
Finn grins. "Do you think she picked Cian because she thought Orla couldn't handle it?"
"I'd bet everything I have that she wouldn't have whined as much as he did."
"That whining must run in the family."
"Asshole."
Laughing, he stands up. "Come on, I'll buy you a drink."
"I thought family doesn't drink for free."
"In special cases, I make an exception."
That one drink turns into several, until Finn calls Eoin to come pick me up.
* * *
The next morning I wake up hungover on the couch in Roan and Eoin's apartment. The sofa seems to be my destiny.
When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is a pair of long legs that definitely don't belong to either of my cousins.
"Ah, he lives," Jenna jokes.
"Just barely."
"Something to celebrate?" She hands me a steaming cup.
"You're an angel," I say as I sit up and smell the coffee. After the first sip, I answer: "More like something to mourn."
"Oh dear, one should never drink alone out of sorrow."
"I wasn't alone. A whole bar was drinking with me."
She laughs. "That only counts if you knew their names."
"One was named Bob and another was Mary."
Laughing, she gives me the finger. "You're out of your mind."
I try to rub the sleep from my eyes. "That's fundamentally true."
"I knew it. Why were you sad? Is something wrong with Kira?"
"No, thank God. If it were, I wouldn't be sitting in a bar, I'd be killing whoever was bothering her."
"So?"
"It's about a woman, of course," says Roan, suddenly standing behind me.
"Fuck, don't sneak up on me like that!" I almost spilled the coffee. That wouldn't have been a big deal if my dick hadn't been in danger. You never know when you might need it again.
"Why do you know more than I do?" Jenna asks, leaning forward eagerly as if I'm about to pour my heart out to her.
Roan shrugs as he sits down next to me. "It's always a woman."
"That's not sexist at all," Jenna says. "It could also be a man."
Roan and I look at each other before saying "No" simultaneously.
Jenna laughs. "Well, when I feel bad, it's usually a man's fault."
She points at Roan, who clutches his heart.
"When have I ever made you feel bad? If I recall correctly, I made you feel very good last night. Three times."
I cover my ears. "La la la!"
They both laugh before Jenna asks: "What's with this woman?"
And that seems to be my cue, because I just tell her everything. Pour my damn heart out. Like such a wimp. Okay, I am one. Finn is totally right. Unfortunately.
"Okay. Difficult situation," she says.
"That's what I said," I reply, satisfied that she understands.
"Get your head out of your ass and go get the girl."
I stare at her. "Excuse me?"
She laughs. "It's only a difficult situation because you're making it one. As if there's no way to see Mallory if you really wanted to."
"But I can't introduce her to Kira yet."
"Then meet her without Kira."
"But I don't want to leave Kira alone more than I already have to."
"When does she go to bed?"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. When does she go to bed?"
"Around eight."
"And when does Mallory go to bed?"
"No idea."
"But you see where I'm going with this."
"Hmm."
"Don't you just hate intelligent women?" Roan asks me with a grin.
"Absolutely."
Jenna laughs. "I know. Terrible. How dare I give you good advice? I should be making you pancakes instead."
"To be honest, I'd like some pancakes too," Roan says.
"You know how to make them. I'll take mine with bacon and syrup."
Roan laughs. "Fine. Then I'll make some for you." He stands up, looks at me. "And you?"
"I'll take some too."
And then I let Jenna's words sink in. Is it really that simple? Can I just meet Mallory when Kira is asleep?
Of course I wouldn't leave Kira alone, but could I invite Mallory over, sit with her in the kitchen or on the couch? Sure, sex is tricky, but that shouldn't be the only thing I want to do with her. Though it is pretty damn good.
I put the cup on the table, lean forward, bury my head in my hands. "Fuck!"
"You can say that again," Jenna says dryly. "Are you going to get the girl now?"
"I'm going to get the girl now."