Chapter 20
20
MALLORY
I hadn't really noticed it, but somehow I was heading toward Sacramento. Only when I saw the sign for Folsom did I realize that I was driving to where I'm not alone, where I'm safe, where someone is who loves me beyond measure.
Gran is probably already asleep, which makes me feel guilty, but she won't be mad at me.
I have to ring the doorbell three times before she opens the door sleepily. At first she looks angry, but then her face shows concern.
"Come in, sweetheart," she says, brings me to the living room, sits down beside me and hugs me while I fall apart into a thousand pieces. But she holds me together, as she has done so many times before. She doesn't let me lose myself; she's my lighthouse on the high seas, showing me the way.
"Oh my angel, don't cry so much."
"I can't help it. It's just so terrible," I sob, hiding my face in her nightgown.
"Tell me about it."
And I do. I tell her everything. Not just about Brady, but also that I've been so lonely. Not just now, but for quite a long time. Actually, since I moved away from her because I thought that's what I had to do.
"That was necessary," she says softly. "That's part of growing up."
"I don't give a damn about growing up," I answer, sniffling.
"Watch your language, Mallory Callahan."
"But it's true."
She wipes away my tears. "Okay, you probably don't want to hear this, but I'll tell you anyway: A man can't make you happy, only you can do that yourself."
"But..."
"No, no exceptions. If you're lonely, it's not the right strategy to look for a man. He can only temporarily eliminate the loneliness in you."
"But..."
"Trust me. I know from experience."
"But you always had Gramps."
"That's how I know you can feel lonely even in a relationship."
"Granny..."
"Don't worry. It's all okay."
"Are you still lonely now? Did I make you lonely when I left?"
"It wasn't easy, of course not. You and Neil were my babies, but it was clear that you would eventually leave the nest. It was a blow when Gramps died, but also an opportunity. I could finally find out what I wanted, what I liked. Instead of sitting at home all the time, I found things to do. I started helping at the soup kitchen, took a swimming class. Did you know I couldn't swim? Now I can, and it's the best feeling in the world. Then I explored my creativity, went to painting classes and pottery, learned how to weave baskets, and even took cooking classes. Sure, I already knew how to cook, but I met people. Since then, so many new people have enriched my life. Jane and Theresa, for example."
I know the two nice ladies who often stop by for a chat.
"And then of course Theo. Only through him did I learn what a relationship should really be like. An enrichment, not a necessity."
"Were you unhappy with Gramps?"
"No. Not at all. But looking back, I have to say that I wasn't unhappy only because I didn't know any different. I had no idea what I was missing. Now I do."
"So Theo is a good man?"
"A very good one. Even though we haven't been together for long, I know he's my great love."
I hug Gran, feeling torn because I'm so happy for her, but I also loved my grandpa so much. "I'm incredibly happy for you."
She cups my face. "A man can't make you happy. Only you can do that yourself, my angel. But a man can be the cherry on top of the whipped cream. Do you understand?"
I nod. I understand.
She kisses me on the forehead before standing up. "I'll get us some cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate."
"Thank you."
A few minutes with my Gran and I already feel better. Maybe mothers have this superpower too, but grandmothers definitely do.
* * *
Brady calls me several times, sends me messages, but I'm not ready to talk to him. First, I need to figure out a few things for myself.
Gran is right. If I'm unhappy and lonely, then I need to change it. For this reason, I start by calling Carrie and Tina. Video group chat.
"Hey, sweetie, how are you?" Tina asks.
Carrie smiles. "Hello, ladies. I had phenomenal sex yesterday."
"Oh, really? That's nice," Tina responds immediately.
But before Carrie can answer, I say: "Hey, don't be mad, but it's about me right now, okay?"
They both look at me with anticipation. At least that's how it appears in the video.
"What's up?" Carrie asks.
"I'm lonely."
"Oh, my sweetie, should I come over?" Tina asks immediately.
"I'm at Gran's."
"Okay, I could still come."
"No, I mean, not right now. I'm lonely all the time. Every single day."
"What can I do?" Carrie asks.
I shrug. "Is it possible for us to see each other more often? Every week? It's not your responsibility, of course, but I would really appreciate it."
"Of course! To be honest, I always had the feeling that you didn't want to meet more often," says Carrie. "Especially since you've always worked so hard, and that seemed to be enough for you. I would love to meet with you more often. Tina and I usually see each other once a week, sometimes twice."
It's like a stab to the heart. They see each other without me.
"I don't want to impose."
"No, no, sweetie, you wouldn't be imposing," Tina explains. "Quite the opposite. We would both be thrilled."
"Why have you never asked me to meet with you?" I ask, feeling a little hurt. Okay, very hurt.
"We did at the beginning, but you never had time. Not just since you started working for Juan, but even before that. You had your job, or you had to study, or you were driving to your Gran's. You canceled so often," says Carrie. "This isn't meant to sound like an accusation. Just to show that we wanted to include you from the start."
"Okay."
"You still feel betrayed," Tina observes.
"A little. Why didn't you ever say anything?"
"I thought it wasn't important to you." Carrie looks at me remorsefully. "You know what they say. When someone wants something, they find ways. You didn't find ways to see us."
Tears come to my eyes. "I'm a bad friend."
"No, not at all," Tina explains with a smile. "You just had other priorities."
"And you'd still meet with me more often?"
"Absolutely." Carrie laughs. "The three of us together is the most fun anyway."
And then I really do cry, because I might be a terrible friend, but these two are amazing.
"Don't cry, sweetie." Tina smiles slightly. "We're friends. We're here for each other. Always and forever."
"I don't deserve you," I sob.
"Yes, of course you do. Everyone gets what they deserve." Carrie laughs loudly and creepily, which dries my tears.
"You're silly."
"You are too." She sticks her tongue out at me. "So, will you come to my place on Tuesday too? We're cooking Thai."
"Okay, but I'm not cooking."
Tina grins. "That's better. Do you remember the scrambled eggs she once served us?"
"Oh God, yes, the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten," Carrie agrees. "No, no, it's better if you just drink wine."
"Good, then I'll provide the alcohol."
"Perfect."
I say goodbye to my friends, grateful that I have them and apparently haven't appreciated them enough until now. Sometimes it's so simple, but you just don't realize it.
But that's not enough. One meeting per week isn't enough. Which is why I follow Gran's example and sign up for classes. Since I'm a disaster in the kitchen, a cooking class is certainly a good idea. I search the internet and actually find a basic course that starts the week after next.
And then comes the most important point. What do I want to do professionally?
Is the job the problem or is it just the working hours? Is it the company, or is it just that I'm fundamentally unhappy and therefore the job doesn't fulfill me?
With a little help from Gran's apple pie, I come to the conclusion that I like the job at Roberto's. The job, the boss, the company. When I was still working for Juan, that wasn't the case. At least much less so. But Roberto is a good boss. I just need to set boundaries. I can't work past six anymore. That's still more hours than what's in my contract, but if there's too much work, Roberto will just have to hire someone else.
I plan to talk to him about it on Monday.
"Hey, Mallory, nice to see you again," a deep voice calls from the doorway as I stare at my phone, wondering if I should read Brady's messages.
I look up and smile. "Hey, Theo, likewise! You look good."
"Thank you. I always like hearing such compliments from a pretty girl."
I smile, flattered, brushing a strand of hair from my face, when I suddenly freeze. I'm not wearing makeup. He can see the port-wine stain!
Quickly I hide it behind my hand.
"You're beautiful, Mallory. There's nothing to hide," he says quietly. "The mark only makes you more beautiful."
"That's not true. It's ugly."
He sits down next to me, pressing my hand. "I could say something like true beauty comes from within , but that doesn't help you. So I'll tell you that your face is exquisite and just as beautiful. If I were thirty and saw you like this on the street, I would look back at you and walk into the next lamppost because I was so blinded by your beauty."
"Stop it."
"It's the truth." He's quiet for a moment. "Has a man ever seen you without makeup?"
"Neil and Dad."
"No, I don't mean your male relatives, but a man."
I shake my head. "Of course not."
"I understand that, but if someone is worthy, he'll see it just like I do."
"Thank you." I remove my hand from my face and look at him. Somehow hopeful, for whatever reason.
He smiles. "Beautiful. Your gran is of course the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but you come right after her."
I smile slightly. "You're a charmer."
Theo shrugs. "And honest."
* * *
The time with Gran passes too quickly, and once again I resolve to see her more often.
When I'm lying in my own bed, I open the messages from Brady.
On Friday they would have made me happy, because he tells me that he wants to try with me, that he wants to see me more often, that he wants to make more room for me in his life. On Friday I would have said yes immediately.
But now I'm different. This weekend has put so many things into perspective for me that I'm not the same person anymore. But I don't want to give him up either.
Mallory
Your messages make me happy, but now I'm the one who needs to ask you for time. I've realized many things about myself in the last few days, and I have some issues I need to deal with before I can let a man into my life. So please give me the time I need.
Brady
Since you gave me this time too, I can hardly say no. But I'm afraid it would destroy me if things just remained open-ended.
Mallory
I understand. Meet me on New Year's Eve just before midnight at Cardoza Park.
Brady
That's still two months away.
Mallory
I know.
Brady
Okay, I'll give you the time.
Mallory
Until New Year's Eve then.
Brady
Until New Year's Eve, mo stóirín.
I put the phone away.
Two months. Two months until I see him again and hopefully become a different woman. A happy woman.
brADY
Two months. Two fucking months until I see her again. This is unbelievable. I hate it. And only because I couldn't tell her on Friday that I want her. That I want her more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.
But I'll wait for her, no matter what.
She did it for me, so I can do it as well.
But I hate it.
So damn much.
* * *
"But what if they don't like me?" asks Kira as we wait for Orla, who's taking us to the family weekend at Lake Tahoe. It's a detour for her, but we thought it was a good idea for the kids to spend the nearly four hours together. Kira and Aoife are best friends forever, as they informed us a few weeks ago. Sometimes I see Róisín looking at the two of them a bit wistfully, which breaks my heart.
"You already know almost everyone," I say. "And they all love you."
"But what if the others don't like me?"
"Uncle Colum hopefully won't come, but he doesn't like anyone, so you don't need to worry about that."
"But the others..."
"They'll love you too."
"But what if they don't?"
"If they don't, that's fine too, because I love you enough for all of them combined."
She grins before wrapping her arm around me. "Really?"
I put my arm around her shoulders. "Really."
"Okay."
Orla pulls up beside us and I open the trunk to pack our bags. "There's no room here," I complain. God, traveling with kids is so awful, honestly. And Orla has already folded down the back row of seats.
"Make it fit," comes her merciless comment.
Somehow I manage it, but it was really no easy task.
Kira has already squeezed herself between the two sisters when I get in.
"Did you buckle up?"
"Ye-es."
Only an eight-year-old who thinks she's halfway to adulthood can sound that annoyed.
Orla grins at me. "The joys of parenthood."
What exactly that means I learn over the next four hours, which are filled with such loud screaming that I fear, I might go deaf.
We have to stop four times because one of the three needs to use the bathroom or feels sick or is so thirsty she can't stand it anymore, even though we have enough water to irrigate an entire district. But that's not the right drink, I find out.
I'm really looking forward to the weekend because I'll finally have some time off. All of my family is eager to look after the kids so that I can relax. Don't get me wrong, I love Kira, but it's hard to just be Daddy and not an independent person anymore. In my near future, I see hiking trails, boating, and playing pool.
When I tell Orla this, she starts laughing hysterically, as if I'm completely naive.
* * *
Turns out, she's right. I was totally naive thinking I could relax. There are enough adults present to entertain a whole horde of children, but Kira still comes to me with every little problem. Which makes me happy because she trusts me. But so much for my dream of a relaxing weekend.
When I finally do get to sit alone by the pool with a beer, Orla says: "I told you so."
"Yeah, yeah. You did. I just thought it would be easier."
"Being a father is a full-time job. You can't turn it off just because you want to."
"I've noticed. Where are they now?"
"The mothers are baking cookies with them."
"Good."
"Definitely. By the way, thank you."
Surprised, I look at her. "For what?"
"For opening my eyes regarding Aoife and Róisín."
"Has something changed?"
"We've arranged that once a week I do something alone with Aoife and once with Róisín. And I can tell you, she really blossoms when she doesn't have to worry about her sister. I'm really shocked because I didn't expect it to be like this. We're still working on her being able to stand up to Aoife, but that's still a long way off. I keep telling her again and again that it's not her job to be a second mother, but she always says that she just loves her. Which is great, of course."
"Róisín is really a very special girl."
"She is." She looks a bit dreamy. "I guess you never stop seeing them as babies."
I grin. "I don't know what Kira looked like as a baby, but I always think she's a baby, that's true."
"You'd better get used to it right now."
I take a sip. "I never thought you could love like this."
She nods. "You only know that when you have your own children."