Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ella
Pacify Her - Melanie Martinez
R ain has officially replaced the chilly yet beautiful early September days. October is here, and SFU is turning gorgeous shades of brown, maroon, and deep green from the evergreens at the edge of the campus. I prefer spring, when everything grows again. The start of something new. But fall matches my mood.
I shiver under my trench coat, tightening my grip around my umbrella as I come out of the woods. Alex and Peach both started earlier than me, and I didn’t want to hang out where everyone else is this morning. Pretending to be perfect when everyone thinks you are is doable. Pretending to be unaffected when everyone knows you’re a fraud is soul breaking. We’ll have lunch together, I’ll go to my classes, and I’ll go home.
Someone bumps into my shoulder the second I walk inside the castle. Apart from the main double-gated entrance, all the other ways to get in are tight, old wooden doors that creak whenever someone opens them, and there are a group of men on the other side who don’t seem to understand they’ll only fit one at a time.
I push through, trying to get past them, when the one who hit my shoulder speaks.
“Oh, shit, I accidentally hit Ella Baker.”
Turning to look at them, I try to keep an impassive face, but before I can see what he means, another one jumps in.
“Please, don’t get us killed.” He trembles dramatically as if he’s seen a ghost.
I cock an eyebrow at him, shaking my head and wondering if he’s an idiot. I’m pretty sure he is. “What the hell are you talking about?”
They all burst out laughing, exiting the building in a mess of SFU uniforms, so proud of themselves for a joke I don’t even understand.
I don’t even reach the east quad through the labyrinth of dark hallways, when I get some other comments. Something about not getting too close to me. They’re so blatantly talking about me that I feel like one the ghosts haunting the place.
What the hell is happening?
Everyone’s eyes are on me. So much so it feels like even the statue of the SFU founder standing in the middle of the east quad is whispering about me. If the things I can hear are anything to go by, I don’t want to hear what anyone is murmuring as I walk past.
As soon as I can breathe again, I pull out my phone, walking under the rain through the quad to join Peach and Alex at our meeting point. I have a notification from the SFU App.
Hermes .
Fuck.
I step into a hallway again, polished stone leading to the communal room where I’m supposed to meet my friends. I enter the room, and I’m about to unlock my phone when a hand snatches it from me. Looking up, my heart races. Peach’s angry eyes match Alex’s worried ones. A familiar duo of reactions when something bad has happened.
“What is it?” I panic in a whisper.
“We know it’s not true, Els,” Alex reassures me.
“Only look at it if you’re ready,” Peach adds.
Glancing around, I feel all eyes on me. Not the way I used to. There’s no admiration, no envy, only a mix of mockery and revulsion.
“Give it back, please,” I tell Peach.
She does. And when I open the SFU App, I know that for the first time Hermes has lied about me. But it doesn’t matter whether it’s the truth or not. Everyone believes what this account says.
“I don’t understand,” I rasp. “Why? Why would Hermes say this?”
My eyes are stuck on a montage picture of me, Enzo, and Matias.
Ella Baker…black widow?
It’s official, two men Ella Baker dated have had something happen in mysterious circumstances. Remember how Enzo got attacked after practice? Well, now Matias Roberts was beaten up to within an inch of his life. Coma, they say.
And guess what they have in common? One name. Ella Baker. Is this what happens if you date her…or when you leave her?
I wonder who she hires to do the dirty job.
Pray for Matias…
#howtomakeamurderer #blackwidow #EllaBakerisbitter
The world suddenly moves in slow motion. Everyone walking past me looks sluggish, and their insults reach my ears with a delay. I blink, waves of hotness rendering me speechless.
“I didn’t?—”
We’re surrounded by the exact same faces I see every day. The same souls who wanted to be me less than a month ago.
Ella Baker…black widow.
“It’s not true,” I mumble, my gaze going back to the girls. My lips are numb when I try to talk again, my pulse ringing in my ears. “It’s not…I didn’t…”
“We know, Els,” Peach says calmly. “Don’t listen to the fucking idiots around you.”
Is this place always this full? There are less than nine thousand students at this university. Are they all in this damn room?
My body seizes, and I don’t control the way my hand goes to my chest. I loosen my tie, undoing the first two buttons of my uniform shirt before I press my nails to my skin, scratching three red lines.
Alex’s eyes widen. “Ella,” she pleads. “Don’t do that. It’s going to be okay.”
With my vision narrowing, I pretend it’s easy to take a new breath. There’s only one person who has the power to make me stop. The same person who I keep telling to leave me alone.
“I’m fine,” I lie. And I think I scratch some more, but I’m too numb to feel it. “Honestly. Who cares what this stupid app says?”
Where is he? I want to see him. I want to look into his eyes and for him to tell me that he’ll protect me from everything. I want to hear his beautifully gracious voice telling me that we don’t care what people think of me as long as I know I’m perfect.
I am. I’m perfect in his eyes. My beauty becomes radiant, my personality addictive, and my flaws cute. That’s how Chris sees me.
“I just…I…” Taking a breath through my nose, I exhale through my mouth. I make my voice even when I try again. “I just remembered I left my charger in the rehearsal room. I’m going to go get it before my next class.”
I take a step back, bumping into someone. “Sorry,” I mumble.
“Promise you won’t get me killed, Ella,” the guy snorts before continuing to his seat.
“Els,” Peach says. “We’ll come with you. Don’t be alone.”
“Hermes is unleashing on you,” Alex admits. “We’re barely past the first month of the year, and they’ve already posted three times about you. It’s not fair and you’re allowed to be upset.”
“Hermes can suck my dick,” Peach adds. “Let’s skip classes and go to Stoneview Lake. We can spend the day there with the guys.”
I shake my head. “Girls, I’m fine.”
I sound like I’m gaslighting my best friends into thinking they’re worrying for no reason. But in this room full of people who hate me, surrounded by everyone but the person I want, I feel lonelier than ever.
“I’ll get my charger and go to class. I’ll see you tonight. ”
I don’t dare run through the hallways despite my feet trying to push me forward. Having any sort of reaction would prove them right. I have to stay passive, pretend this doesn’t affect me. And I’m doing a great job until I see a couple walking my way.
She looks beautiful by his side. She’s this tall, skinny, perfect-in-every-way woman. Her makeup is delicate and blends with her features. Megan’s eyes don’t even scan the area. She’s looking right ahead. The tinted light filtering through the stained-glass windows makes her look like a queen walking through her court. Or an enemy walking through mine.
Chris holds her hand, not a sign of reluctance in sight, and when she says something in his ear, he even laughs a little. But as he gets closer, something catches my attention. His lower lip is split and swollen.
My face falls as I freeze on the spot. They keep walking my way, and Megan throws me a glance, pride shining in her dark blue eyes.
“Chris,” I call the second they’re close enough. “Are you okay?”
He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t even look at me. But since Megan does, I talk to her instead, walking with them even though I struggle to keep up with their long strides.
“What happened to him?” I ask, blurting out my questions with a worry I can’t control. “Did he get in a fight? Did someone hit him?”
Megan stops, and that’s the only reason Chris does too. She looks at me from top to bottom, back up, and laughs at me with condescension.
“Should we be worried, Ella?” she asks with an arrogance I’m dying to slap off her face. “I heard you’re dangerous to date.” She leans forward, hovering closer. “And I have a feeling if you’re going to go black widow on your exes, Chris might be in trouble.”
My mouth drops open for the two seconds it takes me to collect myself. I want to scream that he isn’t my ex. That he is mine. He’s always been mine. And I might hate him. I might not want to cede to his madness, but he is still mine. In a way she could never understand or have with him.
“I’m allowed to ask my friend if he’s okay,” I tell Megan, my voice betraying how much I hate her.
I’ll never forget how she threw me to the wolves in that maze.
A disgustingly smug smile spreads on her lips as she tilts her head to the side. “Your friend? Isn’t he your brother’s friend? Ella, sweetie, you’re just the little girl who thought her childish fantasies would come true because he gave you a speck of attention. Don’t be so silly.”
The fact that I’m wearing a uniform and they’re walking around in their elegant clothes accentuates her insult.
I hear some laughter, and I feel myself blush when I realize we’ve caught the attention of a few bystanders.
“Chris,” I croak. The plea in my desperate voice is so ridiculous I’m ashamed of myself.
Where’s the power I used to have over the people around us? And why does Megan now hold it so tightly in her grip?
He can’t ignore a whole conversation, but when he finally jumps in, I wish he’d never opened his mouth.
“Ella.” The unyielding way in which he says my name makes me want to drop my gaze, bow my head, listen. “Worry about your studies, will you? That’s what your brother asked of you. And when I don’t give you attention, it’s because I don’t want to. Don’t desperately ask for it, it’s very unbecoming.”
He wraps an arm around Megan’s waist, mumbling a quick “come on” before they move again. She doesn’t forget to slip a few words in my ear before she leaves.
“I’ll forgive the misstep because you’re a dumb thing who doesn’t get it. But let me make things clear for you: Aphrodites get used at the temple. They don’t get to fuck a Shadow whenever they want. Don’t let me catch you anywhere near him unless you’ve been called to whore yourself out where you know belong.”
I’m left standing in the middle of the hallway, barely able to breathe. A mix of heartbreak and visceral fear keeps me frozen to the spot. And then the flight instinct kicks in.
As I push people out of my way, I’m not hearing the jabs thrown in my direction anymore. Fuck holding my head high. Nothing is as important as fleeing this awful building.
I sprint down the pathways leading to the other buildings. My feet slap against the wet ground, and I’m soaked when I finally reach the Arts and Performance department. I fly through the doors of the old building and straight to the locker rooms of the dance section.
I need my safe space. I need the place where every thought goes away and only my body stays alive. Striding toward my locker, I’m already starting to undo my tie and shirt, but my breath freezes in my lungs when I get there.
“No,” I choke. I drop to my knees in front of all my stuff on the floor.
Lockers are reserved for the dance students, but even after I had to drop out, I was respected enough that everyone in the class insisted I keep mine. Not anymore .
They took out all my belongings and left them on the floor with a note.
No pervs or murderers allowed here.
Why would anyone do this? They have no proof of anything. Those people used to be my friends. We danced and cried and celebrated together. They left all my tutus, dance shoes, and leotards here with no consideration for them whatsoever.
A ball tightens my throat, and I swallow past it a few times before tears gather in my eyes.
Why?
Why is Hermes unleashing on me?
I take hold of my pointe shoes, bringing them to my chest. Everything is falling apart. The death of my dad created a whirlwind of consequences I wasn’t ready to face. Even in the afterlife, that man manages to ruin me. And now Chris being back has become a push-and-pull of emotions I can’t handle.
What happened between the moment he decided he would make me his and today?
What goes on in his head when he hurts me? Does he get a kick out of breaking my heart?
I tremble mid-breath, something hitting me in the gut. Sometimes, the body knows before the brain reacts, and this is it. That feeling deep inside me that Chris did something wrong, and I’m paying for the consequences.
Wiping tears that are attempting to roll down my cheeks, I take out my phone to look at the post again.
Hermes wants people to believe I’m the only thing Enzo and Matias had in common. But there’s something else. Yes, they both dated me, and that means they both did something my ex can’t stand.
Heart racing, I gather my dance clothes and shove them in my bag. There’s no more space for my shoes so I keep hold of my pointe shoes by the ribbons and rush down the hallways.
I walk into Reeves’s office, and Chris is sitting at his assistant’s desk. His face falls when he sees me, and he’s about to say something, but I cut him off right away.
“Did you hurt Matias?”