Chapter 43
Chapter Forty-Three
Achilles
dancing with a silhouette – Dominic Donner
Nyx will say learning I'm still alive is the greatest shock, but I believe finding out I have a second daughter is a close second.
We're lying in bed, our bed, at the lake house, and I still can't believe I'm here, with her head resting on my chest, and the scent of the beach and the sun invading my nostrils. This feels like home.
My mother took Sophie, and Lena took Lyra after the graduation so Nyx and I could talk.
But the second we crossed the front door, all questions were put to the side as the need to reconnect with each other took over.
I rediscovered her body, the new scars, the change in her curves following the pregnancy.
She's as gorgeous as she's ever been, as delicious…
just as mine. I caress her ribs and read the tattoo there again. I'm a dreamer. Her one and only tattoo.
She sits up, holding the sheets to her chest. She's still looking at me like I'm a ghost, and in some sense, I am to her.
"Where were you?" She chokes up, blinking away tears. "Achilles, what happened that for almost two years you couldn't give me a single sign of life? That you let me suffer a pain no one should ever have to suffer?"
I sit up too, lying back against the pillows. It's strange yet familiar to be back on my side of the best. I counted the nights I spent without her, waking up every morning, hoping I could contact her. The wait was unimaginable. The longing was torture.
"I had to disappear," I finally say. "I had promised myself I would destroy the Circle, and there was only one way to do it, to keep going with my original plan. But they all knew I was Hermes. My father said it himself that night, that they all wanted me dead. Once I exposed them to the world, they would’ve killed me, just like they killed each other when it all happened. I wanted to die by my own hand."
She looks for something in my eyes. That pain I used to have. She won't find it.
"But you didn't die," she says. "You hid."
"Hiding wasn't part of the plan. Only death was."
Her eyebrows crunch, her face twists. "Achilles, where is this going? Either tell me the truth or leave. I didn't spend years building myself back together for you to tear it all apart again."
"That morning, I was ready to die, Nyx. I wanted the deliverance. I texted Wren where my hard drive was and the password to access everything. And then I went to the garage, and I died with a smile on my face, knowing you’d be out of the Circle and that you and Sophie would be safe forever.
That's it. That was my plan. It felt good, right.
But then I woke up in a fucking body bag in an ambulance. "
Her eyes widen.
"Turns out, I'm good at a lot of things, but hanging myself isn't one of them.
They thought I was dead. I thought I was dead, trust me.
But I wasn't. They took me to the hospital, and all I asked was to get on the phone with you.
For them to tell you that I was okay. Coming this close to death taught me a lesson.
I never wanted to do it again. The idea of never seeing you again felt like ripping my own heart out.
But they didn't call you. Instead, Detective Turner showed up. Remember her?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course I do. I remember everything."
"That detective is aiming to be a special agent one day, and she's going after every criminal organization out there.
She'd heard about the Circle but had never been able to prove anything until she learned from an informant that I was Hermes.
She knew everything came from me and told me I had to go into witness protection. "
She gasps. "You went into witness protection?"
"No," I snort. "I told her I wanted to see you and tell you what was going on, but she said for everyone's safety, I had to stay dead until every single last person she was going after was brought to justice. She wanted me out of the way so it wouldn’t cause absolute chaos after the operation. So I had to disappear, or the people I hadn’t put on the files, our friends and you, were going down with the rest of the Circle. "
I see the understanding in her eyes. The last Shadow was indicted this morning. That's why I was at her graduation this afternoon. I wasn’t going to wait one more minute.
"So where did she send you?"
"I bargained with her. Told her I'd give her even more info if she let me go to France to be with Sophie. And she did."
I take her hand in mine, and continue. "Nyx, that night in the forest, I instinctively chose you over seeing Sophie again.
That morning at the hospital, I chose her to save you both.
Both times, I didn't think, I acted. And once I told Turner I accepted her deal, I knew I wouldn't see you until the Circle was truly eradicated. All I asked was for her to put a note in the ring box in my violin case, and to give another to you saying she’d found it with me.
That's the only communication I was allowed, and I couldn't make it obvious that I was communicating anything to you, least of all that I was alive. "
I take her left hand, playing with the engagement ring on my finger.
"You got it, didn't you? My spelling mistake. You knew something was up."
"I thought I did at first," she admits. "But I only kept on dreaming to keep your memory alive, Achilles. After some time, I thought I’d made it up, that you were just in pain that day and made a mistake."
"And yet," I say playfully, "you said yes."
"Yes to what?" she asks softly.
I bring her hand in front of her face. "To marrying me."
She desperately attempts to stop herself from smiling. "You didn't ask."
"Oh, but I did. You knew I did."
"You didn't ask, Achilles."
I get the hint, and I pull the ring off her finger.
"Nyx Mayer, if, like me, you believe we’ve had enough ups and downs in our relationship, and that you're ready to simply love each other until the end of time, will you marry me?"
"Are you getting help?"
My questioning gaze has her continuing. "For your depression. Your suicidal thoughts. Are you getting help? You might have survived, but you tried. And that’s too important to ignore."
I’m a little shocked by how straightforward she is. I guess that’s what happens when you have to survive on your own. My little scaredy cat has turned into a lioness, and she’s not afraid to protect herself anymore.
I nod. "Yes. Therapy. Pills. I’m getting help.
I wanted to be a fully present dad for Sophie, and I wanted to achieve something while I was away from you, to come back better than when I left.
And I am, baby. I promise I am. I keep the darkness at bay, I take my medication, and I’m seeing someone.
Will I forever feel good? I can't promise that.
But I can promise I'll give it my best."
Tears run down her face as she nods. "I can never go through that day again, that pain. You don't understand…"
"I'm sorry." I kiss one tear away, then another, and before she knows it, I'm covering her face in kisses. Whispering how sorry I am in between each.
She falls on her back, giggling. "Okay, okay. I get it!"
I pause above her face, my voice turning unexpectedly serious.
"I know there’s nothing I can do that will make up for what you’ve been through in the last years."
Her eyes cloud with immense sadness, and my heart fissures at the pain she must have endured because of me.
"But I’m here," I rasp. "I’m here, and I’ll never leave you again. Not you, not Sophie…not our daughter."
She looks into my eyes, deep into my soul.
"Do you believe me?" I ask.
I’m scared. So fucking terrified of losing her again that I can feel cold sweat coating the back of my neck.
"I know you have no reason to take me back, to put yourself through loving me when I made it so hard for both of us. You raised Lyra on your own until now. I know you don’t need me."
She tries to turn her head away, but I gently cup her cheek, forcing her to look at me.
"Nyx. We’re having this conversation. You avoided talking to me at graduation, observing from afar while I reunited with our friends.
And I get it, it was a lot to take in for everyone, so you let them all have their moments.
But then we gave the kids to our parents so we could talk, and you jumped me the second we got here. Granted, I’m irresistible…"
She rolls her eyes. "Try unbearable."
"Try talking to me."
She pauses, leaving me yearning for our perfect love again. It’s right there. I can brush it with the tips of my fingers, but I can’t grasp it.
"I’ll have a breakdown," she admits in a whisper. "And I haven’t allowed myself those since Lyra."
"I understand, but–"
"No, you don't understand."
She pushes me off her with a strength I didn't expect, and I roll onto the bed, understanding she needs the space.
"You think you understand, but you weren't there. Not when I was growing up, and not for the first months of Lyra's life. She deserves better than the kind of mom I had. She deserves someone happy with her situation, with what she has. I can’t admit how hard it’s been or how many times I almost gave up when she should be my entire focus. "
If I thought it was painful to not see Nyx all that time, seeing her like this takes the trophy. Stabbing myself in the heart would certainly hurt less.
I stand up but stay a good distance away from her, too scared that she'll run away.
"You can break down with me, mon trésor. Always. That’s what our love is for.
A safe space where you can admit when things are hard, where we can share our deepest secrets and shame.
No one ever has to know what we share in the sanctity of our relationship.
I can bring you back up when you're down.
It's what you created for me, and I'll do the same for you. It's what made me want to live."