Chapter 43 #2
"But you didn't live," she pushes out through gritted teeth as tears start running down her cheeks. "And I was alone."
My throat tightens, and I can barely say the words. "I thought I was protecting you."
I try to take a step forward, but she shakes her head.
"You don't know what it was like. Losing you. Finding out I was pregnant." She chokes on a sob. "Oscillating between hating you for leaving me behind to take care of a baby and thinking that at least you were at peace. The thoughts that went through my mind."
Her beautiful face scrunches in the cutest and most innocent way, but she doesn't realize that's what she looks like in my eyes. She's emanating guilt.
"I didn't know if I could do it. The conversations with Peach and Lena where I talked about…about…not keeping—" She gasps as a sob explodes from her lungs.
She's about to hide her face in her hands, but I break the distance between us, catching her in an embrace as she falls forward.
"I understand," I croak, digging my hand in her hair and pressing her face against my chest. "No one would've blamed you, Nyx. Certainly not me."
"I kept going from hate to pain to longing.
All I wanted was for you to be there. And I couldn't do a fucking thing about it," she whimpers. "I didn't know if I could do it, but it was all I had left of you. A part of you with me, forever. And to be clear, I don’t blame you for the suicide attempt. I would never blame you for the way in which you attempted to fight depression. It’s a war, not a battle. I understand that. But, God, you were alive all this time and didn’t say a thing. "
I caress her hair, kissing the top of her head. "I'm sorry. You're so brave. You're the bravest woman I know. I've always known."
She pushes me away again, and I feel it. That oscillation she went through. Needing me, hating me. I'm hurting for her, a pressure behind my eyes making me blink over and over. She steps back, and I feel the wetness breaching my eyelids.
"People lived on without you. Do you think that was easy for us?
Peach and Wren have a date for their wedding.
Xi and Alex traveled all over the world.
Ella has two dance studios now. Chris is starting his own law firm with his best friend.
And all of them were there for me. Do you have any idea of the guilt I felt because they tried so hard, and I still felt empty inside? "
My friends told me about all of this earlier, but it doesn’t make it any less painful now to know that it all happened without me. There’s a hollowness in my heart for the years I missed and will never get back, but nothing compares to her pain.
"Nyx, I am so sorry," I croak.
Another step, and I'm following, but there's no strength in my body, my soul feeling the way I'm losing here. I fall to my knees at her feet, and it's an out-of-body experience when I see myself wrapping my arms around her hips, pressing my forehead to her stomach.
"Baby, please…"
"Achilles—"
"You don’t need me. You survived on your own, and I had no doubt you would. Needing me isn't even the question. But do you choose me?"
Her hand caresses my hair, and I look up.
"Choose me. I'm begging you, let me back in. If not now, one day. I'll wait. I'll wait as long as you need. I'll live with the hope that someday you'll take me back. I'm a dreamer, I'll keep on dreaming."
I put her ring on my pinky finger and hug her again. "I'll wait," I insist, my heart racing. "How long do you want? A month? A year? Until Lyra asks about her dad? Tell me. I'll give you ten years if you need, baby. But I'll always be there."
I can feel her heartbeat too, and the familiarity brings me strength.
"Your heart is racing," I murmur. "Presto."
"You don't know my heart," she rasps.
"Mon trésor." I pull her closer, with more violence than I should use. "I know it like the back of my hand. I wrote an entire concerto to the different rhythms of your heartbeat."
"Achilles—"
"It used to always be high because you ran on anxiety." I kiss her lower stomach gently. "Your resting heartbeat during the day is moderato. Between 98 and 112 BPM. During sex, you rise to allegro. When I scare you, you can reach presto. As if you're sprinting."
From my position on my knees, I dig my gaze into hers, reaching for her soul.
"But when you rest next to me, when we spend time together, I feel the shift. Adagio. Calm, comforted, safe. That's what I want to bring you. That's all I want for you."
I finally feel it. Her walls are coming down, her more vulnerable side letting me in.
"Tell me," I whisper, afraid that my deep voice will startle her out of the moment. "Can you be a dreamer for me again?"
The silence stretches. My breathing stops. My life hangs in the air.
Finally, she gives me the slightest nod, and I grab the olive branch with all my might. Hope blooms in my chest as I stand, grabbing her by the waist and falling on the bed. I cage her in, keeping her under me.
I blink at her, struggling to keep the emotions at bay. I drop my lips to her cheek, and attack her with kisses again only to hide the fact that I can feel tears coming to my eyes. One, two, three…She’s laughing, and I can’t stop, bathing in the pureness of the sound.
"Oh my God." She giggles. "You’re tickling me, stop!"
"Oh, no. You’re stuck, baby. Prisoner of my kisses." I fake a threatening voice. "Forever. You want free?"
"Yes!"
"Then, marry me." I kiss her again, dropping to her neck to make the tickling worse.
"Achilles!" she laughs. "Stop!”
"Well, will you marry me?"
"Yes!" she shrieks as I cover her in more kisses. "I will, you madman."
I stop, showing her my pinky finger. "For real?"
She snorts. "Don’t sound so shocked or I might realize the kisses made me high, and that I’m being crazy."
I’ve never acted so quickly in my life. I put the ring on her finger and press my lips to hers in a possessive kiss.
"Too late. Nyx Duval, you are so mine," I murmur against her mouth.
She sighs as our tongues intertwine. And I know this is it. Happiness. I finally got it back.
I stay on top of her when our kiss comes to a stop, my eyes bouncing between hers.
"I have another daughter," I say, a thrill of excitement bubbling in my chest. "Twice in my life I didn't use a condom, and I have two daughters. I'm a god."
"Shut up." She laughs as she pushes me away. "Lyra is young, only eleven months old. She's the apple of my eye. She helped me survive those years I thought you were gone."
"She's young enough not to have wondered about her dad yet," I tell her. "This is my chance to get this right, Nyx. When Sophie learned I was her dad, she barely understood it, but our bond has gotten stronger over the two years. Now she calls me daddy," I conclude proudly.
My hopeful eyes roam over her face. "We can be a family. A real one. Not like the broken ones we had growing up. Those two little girls are going to be so loved."
She nods, warming my chest. "They will."
"I would like to meet her, if that's okay with you. We'll go as slowly as you think is right. And then Sophie can meet her too."
But I sense her hesitation. There’s a difference between her taking me back, and her letting me access our daughter. It’s a whole other discussion in her head, and I can see that right away.
"Indirectly, Lyra is a happy toddler thanks to you," she admits. "You helped my dad, and he’s been the best grandfather any child could ask for. He’s been there for me and her, is so present. I never knew that side of him, and I’m grateful for that.
But this has been working well for us. I don’t want to change everything in her life for you. "
"Nyx," I say carefully. There's a fine line between scaring her away and warning her into staying. I've always walked that line with her, and she liked it, but the stakes are different now.
She stares at me, her body squirming under mine, but she hides her thoughts well.
"Tell me something." My voice is low, the threat present in my tone but not my words.
"Do you think having to stay away from you for that long while I knew you were suffering calmed my obsession with you?
Or…" I bring a hand to her cheek, caressing her gently before I grip her jaw.
"Do you think it made me even more dangerous when it comes to you? "
She opens her mouth to speak, but I tighten my grip.
"You saw the things I was capable of for Sophie. I took down an entire secret society. What do you think I'll be capable of to have Lyra in my life?"
It's the calm in my voice that scares her. It always is. How I don't get angry or violent, but that I have it in me to ruin someone. But it's not fear that appears in her eyes. They shine with excitement.
"There he is," she purrs. "My psycho on a leash." And she explodes in giddy laughter.
My jaw drops. "Were you…testing me just now?"
"Maybe. You don’t think I only missed your good side, do you? A mother has to check that her favorite villain will be there for his daughter at all costs." And she laughs again. "God, you should see your face."
She calms down, her voice softening. "You can meet Lyra. Today if you want. I’m not missing another second of our life as a family."
My head falls in the crook of her neck. "I'll put you on a fucking leash. Let's see if you're tempted to play with my feelings again after that."
I feel a hand pull at my hair, and I'm forced to look up at her.
"Ow. What the fuck?"
"Wrong ear," she snaps. "Did you forget?" The anger on her features is worse than a slap in the face.
"Of course not," I growl back as I shrug off her grip. I turn her head to the side, noticing there's no device in her ear. "I assumed you were wearing your hearing aid, but clearly, you're not. Did you never go to pick it up?"
She uses all her might to push me off her, and I take pity on her when she doesn't manage, so I get off.
"I picked it up," she says as she gets up and puts my hoodie on. Running to the ensuite bathroom, she comes back with a smile on her face.
"Do you still play?" she asks.
"Of course I do."
She stills. Her hand reaches for her left ear, then comes back down. She pretends all is fine, but her voice is coated with emotion.
"I have your concerto. Or should I say, my concerto. I never sold it. Never played it. Never did anything with it."
I walk to her. "Because no one can play it as good as me?"
She laughs, slapping my chest. "Arrogant asshole."
"Don't fix what's not broken. Look, legally or not, it's always been yours. What do you want to do?"
"I want it to go to the New York Philharmonic, and I want you to be the soloist."
I chuckle. "I would love that. In fact, I've been desperate to play that piece there. I know it'll make me feel more alive than ever. My daughters, you, the violin. Those are the things that keep me going."
"Can you tell me you love me again?"
Nyx isn’t one to ask for that kind of reassurance, but her eyes are filled with unshed tears, so I say it right away.
"I love you," I say. "You're the woman who turned me into a dreamer. You gave my life meaning. I love you, Nyx."
I cup her cheek, and this time, I see the hearing aid. It's so discreet it's practically impossible to notice if you don't know.
"Have you never used this before?" I ask, shocked.
She shakes her head. "No, this was a gift from you. It didn't feel right. God, your voice is so beautiful."
I laugh, excitement spreading through my limbs like electricity. "You knew that."
"I'm just enjoying rediscovering it all over again."
"How does it feel?"
She thinks for a few seconds, her wide eyes looking up.
"Like watching a pixelated video online with bad internet, and suddenly the 5G is back and the video becomes HD."
"Poetic," I deadpan.
"It's the truth."
"Uh-huh. Now…" I wrap my hands around her waist, pulling her to me before I lean down so my lips are by her left ear. "Now let’s go pick up my daughter, please."
She snorts, walking to the door. "Which one?"
"I heard that!" I shout as I follow her.