21. Lucia
21
LUCIA
P eople.
So many people.
Luka holds my hand as he leads me through a winding path of the amusement park, cheerful music booming through speakers above our heads. All around us people laugh, some kids cry, others scream with excitement.
The sound of a roller coaster roaring pulls my eyes to my right, and I watch as carts of people wind upside down on a loop at a nauseating speed. I’m in awe of it. Of all of it. I can’t quite tell if it’s overwhelming or invigorating, and I think that’s why Luka holds my hand. I think he knows what’s happening inside my head, even though I’m trying to hide it.
It’s embarrassing to feel so out of place in a scene that must be ordinary for him. Crowds are something he’s experienced his entire life. Cheap thrills are something I can see him constantly chasing. I’ve never gone faster than what my horses could carry me.
“Well?” Luka asks as we pass a man wearing thick eyeliner and black baggy pants with fishhooks dawning them like they’re jewels. I turn my head in wonder as we pass.
“Well what?” I ask.
“What should we ride first?”
I scoff and face forward. “If you think I’m riding anything with you, you’re naiver than you’ve ever pegged me as.”
He laughs. “You know I can’t control the rides, Peach.”
You’d find a way. You could push me out. Blah blah blah . An endless list of excuses fills my head, but I don’t voice them because they aren’t true, and it’d be pathetic to try and use them.
The truth is, I trust Luka more than I trust anyone in the world right now. If I didn’t, I never would’ve left the hotel. I wouldn’t have let him bring me here. I wouldn’t be holding his hand, my heart beating fast with both the nerves of trying something new and the excitement of finally getting what I wanted.
This is the world. Luka is willing to show it to me.
Once again, the dynamics between us have shifted. This isn’t about making a deal with me anymore. This isn’t about him sparing Arseni from my father’s wrath. This is about me . My happiness. My fulfillment.
And I’m trying, with everything inside me, not to feel something because of it. Not to feel special because the man who loves no one, who shows the whole world his icy demeanor, gives me his warmth. But damn it, I do. And damn it, I want more of it.
When I glance at him, he smiles at me, showing me dimples I hated him for having the first time I saw them. Now, they make his handsome face, so hard, so rugged, soften and glow.
“Come on,” he says in a teasing tone like he has no clue what he’s doing to me just by bringing me here. If I insulted him, I think he’d believe me. “One ride, at least . It’ll be fun.”
He looks around as we walk and points high above my head. I turn and look in the distance.
“That one.”
I squint at the giant arching metal scraping the sky. It’s halfway across the park, peeking out from above the awning of a food vendor we walk past. “The roller coaster?”
“Well if we’re only going to do one , it’d better be a good one.”
I turn to him with my eyes narrowed. “Are you out of your mind?”
His smile widens even as he rolls his eyes. “It’s safe. How are you going to make a dent in your bucket list if you’re going to be a chicken shit about theme parks?”
“A chicken what ?”
“Do it. It’ll be fun,” he assures me.
“Our idea of fun is wildly different… You realize that, right? Being terrified with you was never on my bucket list, but if it was, we had it covered the first time we met. Don’t you think?”
“Nope, doesn’t count.” He shakes his head. “That was of me. Not with me.”
My eyes narrow further, but when he winks, my lips tug. He pulls me along with him, his pace quickening, but when I spot a ride I recognize from books, I pull him to a stop and point.
“That one.”
He searches out what I’m talking about. I roll my lips to keep from smiling the moment he sees it. His jaw drops as he turns to me. “The carousel?”
“This is my experience, remember?” I shrug and continue to fight my smile. “You’ll just have to come back with Arseni someday to get your thrills.”
He stares at me a moment, gives his head a disapproving shake, then takes my hand and leads me to the ride. “I’m too old to come to this shit for leisure, Peach.”
“And yet, here you are.”
“I know. I should’ve taken you to an art museum instead.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He turns to me deadpanned when we get in line for the ride, and I cover my mouth as I laugh. “Do I look like a guy who appreciates fine art?”
“Gothic art, maybe. You look like a guy who appreciates suffering.”
“Of others,” Luka clarifies.
A woman holding a toddler turns to give us a curious look before facing forward. We’re the only adults in line, and it gives me a weird sort of satisfaction bothering Luka. I don’t know that I’ve ever been much of a playful person until him. My family has always been so serious. I get the impression Luka’s is as well.
After the carousel stops and lets passengers off, the gate opens to let us on. Luka wants to take the bench, but I insist on horses for no other reason than to embarrass him. I laugh at the gloomy expression he gives me from the mechanical horse, making it even more dramatic by the way he holds onto the pole, his long legs bent as his feet touch the ground.
I hover in the air when the ride takes off, one hand grasping the bar while I wave the other in a rhythm with the up and down movement of the horse.
I woo and laugh while Luka stares at me trying not to smile the same way I had.
“You’re beautiful,” he mouths, making my smile ease. He looks so sincere. So full of something that I’m scared to consider.
Because I think it might be love. And I think I might feel it back.
I face forward and try to force my amusement, force the thoughts out of my head, the emotion out of my throat, and when the ride stops and we get off, I let Luka drag me to another ride. Not the roller coaster, but a swinging ship. Then some roulette looking thing that spins. And three more rides before finally, and strategically I’m sure, we wind up at the entrance to the double looped coaster.
I bite my lip, but I’m faking my nervousness at this point. My adrenaline is already rushing. A roller coaster can’t do nearly as much as what Luka has done with the way he’s been looking at me.
When it’s our turn and we climb into our seats in a cart toward the back, our thighs press together. We buckle ourselves in and pull down the cranking bar before looking at each other while we wait for the workers to do their checks.
I think we’re going to pretend not to feel things, so I put on my teasing look and put something smart on my tongue, but I swallow it when I spot Luka’s eyes on my lips. I close my eyes as he kisses me, feeling the softness of his lips, the gentle way he strokes my tongue.
My heart gallops. I don’t even remember the roller coaster until it starts to move, but we don’t stop kissing even then. Luka’s hand smooths over my thigh and rests at the seam of my shorts while we slowly ascend.
He breaks the kiss and glances at where we are, then looks back at me with an urgency, like if he doesn’t say this now, he’ll never get another chance.
“When we leave here, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
I blink and just stare at him, my lips parted. It’s a moment before I understand he doesn’t mean an art gallery or an item on my bucket list.
He’s talking about life. He’s telling me he’ll take me anywhere, that I never have to go back to Vegas. Or Mexico. Or anywhere I don’t want to go. That he’ll set me on the path I wanted all along, as if I knew then what I truly wanted. What life could truly offer.
Him. In a moment, climbing a roller coaster, I know for certain it’s him that I want. Not roller coasters, not art museums, and not baseball games, unless he’s there.
“Will you come with me?” I ask as we approach the peak.
Luka’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t have a chance to respond. It doesn’t matter. I know by his expression what his answer is.
No.
And I can’t blame him. The thought is ridiculous.
I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Not about him, not about anyone after the betrayal I just faced. Maybe that’s all it is. He was there when I fell, setting the trap that happened to catch me.
He isn’t a good man. Objectively speaking. He is jealous and he is cruel, and I would spend my life trying to heal the sides of him that hate the world so deeply.
It’s a terrible idea. And one that could get him killed if we’re ever found.
He’s right.
And yet…
My mouth opens with a scream as we’re hurled down at a speed that makes my stomach lift to the clouds. I grip Luka’s arm tight and screech over his laughter as we lift back up, flipping upside down, and then again with another loop. When we get to the end, we lurch forward with a stop, then fly backward to repeat the process in reverse.
It’s terrifying, but exhilarating. Not unlike my experience with Luka.
My hair is a mess when the ride finally stops, and my hands feel shaky. Luka laughs at me, and when I turn his way, my lips lift.
We get off the ride and head toward the exit while I wonder what he’ll make me ride next, but he pulls me to the side by the gate and gives me that same serious look that sobers all my amusement.
“I fucked up, Peach,” he says, making my stomach fly to the clouds all over again. “I really fucked up.”
I swallow and nod, unable to do any more. I wish I could say that I forgive him because I do. I really do. I see him. I see the man that he is, and I know the why behind his cruelty, and I want him anyway.
“I want to be different,” he says, looking up while he thinks through his next words. “You make me want to be different. But I’m not.” He shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, I’m just not… I’ve been thinking about what you said to me, about me hurting the people I love?—”
“I’m sorry I ever said that.” I squeeze his hands as I step closer.
He shakes his head. “No, you were right. I’ve been thinking about Arseni and about who he was when I met him… I brought him into the Bratva. I made him a killer.”
My lungs puff with an exhale. “Arseni isn’t nearly as innocent as you?—”
“I infected him, Lucia,” Luka says, his face sunken with such a plea for understanding that my shoulders fall. “I can’t infect you too.”
I open my mouth, ready to counter. Ready to tell him he already has, that he’s infected my heart and taken it as his own. That it’s too late now, and it’s cruel to claim otherwise.
But I realize something that makes me pause.
I was wrong.
Staring at Luka, seeing the confliction causing him pain, the frown curling his lips… I realize he’s nothing like my father, and his heart is nothing that I’ve ever experienced. I thought he was possessive, that his jealousy naturally would lead to it, but instead, he’s pushing me away out of fear that he isn’t good enough. He wants what is best for me, even if it isn’t him.
This is love. It feels so foreign that I almost missed it entirely.
When my throat feels full, I press my hand to it and blink.
Who am I to deny him this? What would it say if I forced him to go with me?
“Okay,” I say with a nod. I clear my throat and hope he knows I understand. And that I love him back. “What are you going to do then?”
He leans back on his heels. “Mila has been calling… My brother hasn’t been doing well. I thought I would start there.”
I give him a small, encouraging smile and nod. “I think that’s a great idea… And I don’t think you should wait.”
His brow furrows. “I’m not going to just?—”
“Luka, please . We’ve been goofing off long enough… It’s been fun, but it’s time for you to get back to the real world.”
He stares off while he considers it for several moments. My arms wrap around my chest while I try to think of what to do, where to go. Already, I’m scared, but I try my best not to let that show.
“Arseni is in Canada,” Luka says, coming back to me. “He’ll help you cross and get you set up there.”
Arseni .
I do not trust fucking Arseni .
And I almost say it. My teeth clamp together to stop myself.
If I tell Luka I’m not comfortable with it, he’ll take me himself… And I really don’t want to keep him longer. His family needs him in Vegas.
Plus, he trusts Arseni. That has to count for something.
I force a smile and nod.
With a sigh, he returns my smile and puts his arm around my shoulders. “Come on, Peach. Let’s get out of here.”
As we walk, I try not to notice how the sun has set. Try not to think about how this will be our last night together.
Try not to think about how there are so many things I want to say, yet I have no idea how to say them.