22. Luka
22
LUKA
M y phone dings just as I pull into the parking lot of the hospital, the flashing lights of an ambulance making me squint my bloodshot eyes. I find a spot then park my car and grab my phone from the passenger seat. I expect it to be a text from Mila, but it’s from Arseni.
Here. Room number?
My tired eyes close as I lean my head against the wheel for a few moments. I’ve been driving for sixteen hours straight, but it isn’t until this moment that I feel like I could sleep.
She’s okay.
She isn’t here. She isn’t with me. But she’s okay. She’s better for it.
I text him the room number Lucia is staying in, then slide the phone in my pocket and rub my hands over my face. I’m half-tempted to drive home instead of going inside. It’s five in the morning, so Leo is no doubt asleep and certainly doesn’t want my company.
But he won’t want to hear what I have to say later any more than he will now… And I’m afraid I’ll lose my nerve.
I climb out of the car and head to the room Mila texted me about while I was on my way here. Leo’s neighbor heard a gunshot, along with screams, and called the police. He didn’t shoot himself, but it’s lucky he didn’t hurt someone above him when he shot the ceiling. He did, however, take enough pills that the police found him seizing and foaming from the mouth. If they hadn’t been called, he’d be dead. And it would have been my fault.
I don’t know if what I’m about to do is the right decision. In fact, it probably isn’t. It’s probably a terrible idea. But I’ve had hours to think it through, and I haven’t figured anything else out.
Slipping past the abandoned nurses station, I find the door to Leo’s room and slide inside. Mila is asleep in the chair next to Leo, her neck kinked and a book opened on her lap. Leo sleeps with his face slightly pinched, like even in his dreams he doesn’t find relief.
I don’t immediately wake either of them up. I stand silently for several moments, my eyes going between the two before finally settling on Mila. It’s interesting to me that she’s here instead of my mother. Interesting but not surprising. Suicide is weak. My mother will coddle Leo in her home, but she wouldn’t be caught dead with a son like this out in public. She wouldn’t have condoned him going to the hospital.
But Mila… She’s loyal to a fault. It must be her biggest weakness, being loyal to all the wrong people. Being loyal to me .
Her eyes blink open, and she slowly raises her head as she awakens, a small smile coming over her lips when she registers me. She gives me a wave before patting the chair next to her. I wonder if Vitaly occupied it at some point. I can’t think of anyone else who would care enough to come here.
My hands tuck into my pockets as I cross the room and take the seat next to Mila.
“Hey,” she whispers. “I’m glad you’re here.”
I nod at Leo. “How’s he doin’?”
I don’t look at Mila, but I can hear the frown in her voice when she speaks. “Not good… They’re sending him up to the psych ward today.”
I nod. “That’s probably for the best.”
“Yeah… Mama is furious. I wouldn’t be surprised if she disowned him after this.”
“That’s probably for the best too.”
Mila is quiet for several moments, and I think it’s because she agrees with me. But then, “It’s easy for you because you don’t care what anyone thinks. You’ve never cared about Mama’s or Papa’s approval… It’s different for me and Leo.”
I let that rest for a minute, my hand rubbing across my jaw. My first emotion is disgust. Because I find it pathetic how much she cares. How needy she is. Her entire life, our family has revolved around her and what she can accomplish, and my god , she never tires of having her back patted.
But my second emotion is shame. Because it isn’t her I’m angry at. It’s never been her.
“I would make a fool of myself trying to earn their approval,” I start. “They put faith in one child, and that child wasn’t me. They made that clear very early on.”
Mila sighs. “They moved us here so our entire family could be elevated.”
I turn to face her, letting my hand rest in my lap. “I’m happy things worked out for you, Mi. I really am. And I feel sorry for all the shit they put you through… But I was seventeen when they moved us here. In Russia, things looked promising for me. I was working beneath a top lieutenant. I’ll never know what that could’ve turned into, but our parents had more faith in their thirteen-year-old daughter’s vagina getting them what they wanted than they had in me. I think that’s fucked up. What I can’t understand is how you don’t think that’s fucked up. I don’t understand how you’re not angry.”
She looks down at her lap and picks at her black-painted nails. “Is that why you’ve always hated me?”
“Because you aren’t angry?”
She stares at me point blank with the signature Alekseev cold expression. Except, with Mila, I know it’s a defense mechanism. It means she’s feeling too much.
“No,” she says. “Because you think they loved me more than you.”
I go to belt out a laugh, but I can’t find any oxygen in my lungs. I settle for facing forward, stretching my legs on the white tile.
“I don’t feel loved,” Mila says, a tiny bit of emotion breaking through. “I mean, Jesus. Papa would’ve had me executed for my relationship with Vitaly, and you know that. Mama would’ve supported him. And Leo… I don’t think Leo has the capacity to love right now. Or ever has, I guess.”
I still don’t look at her, but she continues.
“I had really hoped that with you being at the mansion, we could’ve gotten closer these last few months… I’m sorry I made you a guard. I realize now how insulting that was. I just wanted you around… I want to know you, Luka, and I want you to know me.”
My chest feels tighter with every word Mila speaks until I regret the conversation altogether.
She wanted to be around me. She wanted to be close to me.
I thought all she wanted was to humiliate me. To ensure I knew she was queen, as if I needed to see it to fully comprehend the magnitude of her power.
It felt like a daily taunt. See? See how right our parents were in choosing me ?
There were days where I wished we’d get invaded. Days where I fantasized about her death. She’s right to not feel loved, especially by me. I always saw her as pathetic for trying.
But not right now. Right now, I feel remorse. I feel like a moron.
“I want that too,” I say, my voice low with defeat. “I wish it wasn’t too late.”
“What do you mean?”
Mila’s voice is just a little too loud, causing Leo to stir awake. And it’s just as well. In fact, it’s perfect timing.
I climb to my feet before giving my sister one last parting glance. “You’ll see.”
Leo narrows his eyes as I sit on the edge of his bed. Unlike Mila, he isn’t happy to see me.
“Hey,” I say. “How are you feeling?”
“Took too many goddamn sleeping pills, and they forced me to come here.” He huffs like he’s angry, but shame contorts his face. He doesn’t meet my eyes.
“Leo, there’s something I have to tell you.”
I lower my eyes to the IV in his wrist, my ears tuning into the beeping monitor at his side. If it was my heartbeat it was hooked up to, I imagine it’d be setting off alarms.
“Do you remember when we were kids, Fyodor and Aly used to go on and on and on about shit like honor and integrity … loyalty at all costs?”
He’s nodding when I look up.
“We really bought into that, didn’t we?” I ask with a chuckle.
He shrugs and returns my chuckle half-heartedly. “Mama is convincing.”
“Yeah.” I nod. “She is. I really looked up to her. She was my hero, really, far more than Fyodor ever was. I always thought he was unreasonable, but Aly has this strength to her that I still can’t help but admire. Nothing phases her, you know?”
He shrugs again. “Yeah, I guess.”
I scratch the back of my neck. “She’s a hypocrite, though. When I was, uh… When I was eight, I came home sick and found her with another man.”
Leo doesn’t react. He just stares at me with his brow furrowed and waits. It reminds me how trivial this is. How pathetic I am for caring so deeply about something that means nothing.
I laugh. “It seems ridiculous now ,” I lie, “but back then, it kind of fucked with me. All that talk of honor and integrity, only for her to have none. She was only betraying Fyodor, but it felt like she was betraying me. Us . What she was teaching. It started me on a dark path that I’ve never gotten off of. It made me cynical about the world when really, I should’ve just been weary of her .”
“I don’t get it,” he says with a shake of his head. “You needed to tell me that Mama cheated on Papa? You know that he cheated on her too, right? All the time.”
“Yeah, I… I know.” I let out a shaky breath and toss a glance at Mila. The concern on her face makes me want to leave. To abandon this. To settle with the fact that I dislike our parents and that I’d like to be a better brother.
Maybe we could start fresh. We could move on. We could be a family, as strange as that feels to say.
“Why are you telling me this?”
When I look back at him, my heart sinks. Because I know, there is no fresh start with this secret. Not for our relationship and not for Leo.
“Because one night, Piper and I were at the same bar. When she flirted with me, I flirted back… And I betrayed you. Not just that night, but many times after. And…” When his face turns a sickly color, I have to look away. I close my eyes and focus on getting the words out. “And I didn’t understand why I was doing it, but I kept thinking about Aly and that man. I kept thinking about how betrayed I felt then and how big of a fool she made me feel, and betraying you made me feel better. Because I am weak , and I am selfish , and I am cruel . But most of all, I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I?—”
“Where is she?” he asks, his voice breaking. “Did she… Did she leave because of you? Did she think the baby was yours ?”
Blood drains from my face, making me feel cold. I don’t dare look at Mila, but I can feel the tension in the room coming from her direction.
It’s tempting to stop now. So fucking tempting.
“There was no baby,” I say, forcing my eyes to his. He looks so pained, but confusion narrows his eyes at those words. “I wanted proof of the pregnancy from a doctor, but she refused to tell me which one she was going to see. I tracked her phone’s GPS to a clinic an hour outside of Vegas. It’s known for giving out forged ultrasound photos.”
Leo looks off with a puzzled stare, his mouth agape.
“There’s more…”
Leo blinks at me before staring intently, waiting for me to shove the remainder of his heart through a meat grinder.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much that when I found out what she’d done, I exploded. I didn’t think about the closure you’d need or how sick it would make you worrying about Piper, and that is my deepest regret.”
“What did you do?” he whispers, his hands gripping the comforter as he braces himself.
I don’t answer right away. He looks so weak. So pathetic that again I question if I should be here.
He needs to know she isn’t worth missing. She isn’t worth killing himself over.
But I hate the idea of him knowing I’m the reason he’s in this bed.
“I killed her, Leo.”
When his eyelids droop, I bite my tongue and wait. Wait for a lashing. A request to repeat myself. More questions.
It doesn’t come. He looks around as tears burst to his eyes. Mila comes to his rescue, her arm wrapping around his shoulder as she pulls him close and gives me a venomous glare.
“ Leave . Now .”
I nod, my lungs feeling tiny, and start toward the door, but I pause.
I shouldn’t say anything else. I’ve said more than enough, more than either of them could ever want to hear.
They want me to leave, probably for Hell, where I belong.
But I feel there’s one more thing to say.
“I’m sorry.”
Neither look at me as I pause at the door. I turn and leave, ignoring questions from a nurse on the way out. She says something about visiting hours that I tune out and hurry from the hospital.
I’m in a daze as I drive home, hating myself for how dry my eyes are. How still my hands seem to be wrapped around the wheel.
I wish I could mourn the way Leo does. I wish I could do it with him, just to feel like I was barring some of the pain.
Instead, I am just like her.
Steady.
Cold.
Unfeeling.
Heartless.
I don’t remember the drive when I reach my apartment. I’m so lost in a haze that when I spot Arseni’s Mustang in the lot, the driver’s side window busted out, I think I must be hallucinating.