Chapter Twenty-One
Nate
Nate stared out at the apple orchard that was as familiar to him as anything else in his life.
After his talk with Lottie, he needed to be somewhere he might find some semblance of peace, but there was none to be found here or any of the other half dozen places he’d visited over the last few hours.
After a fitful night’s sleep in the bed that seemed far too empty, Nate rose and jogged around the town, stopping in the center square that would soon be transformed into everything he wanted it to be.
When he looked around the craggy sidewalks and dead crabgrass, Nate had expected to feel a sense of accomplishment that those sights would soon be a thing of the past, but the victory felt voided by virtue of the fact that it hadn’t really even been his win to begin with, not fully.
Lottie had been there every step of the way, even before he’d asked for her help.
Nate had needed her help, wanted it in fact, but that was when it had been his choice.
If he would have known she was behind the scenes, pulling at threads and puppeteering the whole thing, would he have even asked her?
Nate buried his head in his hands, his body tired and achy and his head a jumbled mess of confounding emotions.
Anger at her for lying to him, at himself for having broken a promise and once again pushing away the most wonderful person he’d ever had the privilege of being with, and distress at the knowledge that he’d likely screwed it up for good this time.
It wasn’t the fact that Lottie had kept everything a secret from him that hurt the most, but that she didn’t have enough faith in him to believe he could do it.
Nate had always wanted to make something of himself just as his brothers had, but apparently she didn’t think it would happen on his own.
The one person he thought saw him for who he truly was didn’t really even know him at all.
Didn’t she see how desperate he was to leave his mark on this town, something that people would remember long after he was gone?
Nate sat and looked out over the trees, wishing it would bring him the same sense of peace it always brought to his brother Travis, but the one place he knew he could find comfort was also the last place he could go.
How did he reconcile Lottie’s lack of belief in him with the intense feeling of love he still carried for her?
The sound of boots on the back porch had him swiping away the moisture that had gathered in his eyes angrily.
Sniffling, Nate turned to see his parents smiling sadly at him.
His dad came and sat on one side of him while his mom sat on the other.
A look passed between the two of them before Nate’s dad finally spoke. “Want to talk about it?”
Nate shrugged. “Not really.” His parents had wisdom beyond their years and he would be a fool not to listen to it, but he just didn’t have it in him to seek their counsel right then.
His mom nudged his shoulder with hers. “Do it anyway, Sweetheart.” She searched his face for a moment and sighed, her expression understanding. “You went and chewed your own leg off again, didn’t you?”
Nate leaned back, puzzled by the way his mom was speaking to him. “What are you talking about? I just had a disagreement with someone.” That was putting it mildly and not at all assigning as much of the blame on himself as was necessary.
His dad barked a laugh. “In my day, they called it self-sabotage, but I guess kids these days aren’t as up on self-awareness as I thought they were.
” Nate looked at his dad quizzically, waiting for the older man to explain further, but he stared off into the orchard for a minute.
“Did we ever tell you the story of our first kiss?”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Only about a million times.” The story of how his father had rode his bike all over Applewood was a favorite of Nate’s, but now he wondered if it hadn’t given him unrealistic expectations of love. “I don’t see what that has to do with how I’m feeling right now though.”
Nate’s dad smiled sadly. “Well, there’s a part of that story that I left out.
Want to hear it?” Nate’s shoulder bobbed helplessly.
It seemed to be the only thing he was good for at the moment.
Whether he wanted to or not, his dad would tell him and honestly, he could use the distraction from his misery.
“About two weeks before that night, I heard a rumor that your mom was going to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.”
Nate looked at his mom who confirmed the information with a head nod. “How could I not ask the most handsome boy in school to the dance?”
“Thank you, Love.” Nate’s father smiled adoringly at his mother before turning back to Nate. “Instead of being excited that the prettiest, most amazing girl in the whole world was going to ask me out on a date, I panicked and started to avoid her every chance I got.”
Nate pulled back, surprised by this twist in a story he’d heard since he was five. From everything he’d been told his whole life, his parents had always loved one another and that had never wavered. “But you loved her.”
Nate’s dad chuckled humorlessly. “That I did, but I didn’t love myself nearly enough to believe that she would want to slum it with someone who was only ever destined to run an apple farm.
So many other guys in school were going to go off to become doctors and lawyers, and a good many of them had their eye on your mother, but she wanted me.
” He huffed a breath and ran a hand over his beard. “Still can’t believe it most days.”
Nate’s mom reached over and swatted her husband lovingly. “Hush, now. You know I only ever had eyes for you.”
“I do now,” his dad said. His father wrestled his gaze away from his wife and pointed it back over to Nate as he smiled sadly.
“But back in the day, for a couple of weeks I thought I needed to make something of myself to be worthy of her attention, not realizing that I was already more than enough. The more time passed with me avoiding her, the more hollow I started to feel until finally I decided that I would rather live the rest of my life trying to feel the worthiness she saw in me rather than go another second without her. That’s why I rode around everywhere that night, not to get a kiss.
” He looked over at his wife and winked. “Well, not just that.”
Nate ignored the lusty looks his parents were giving one another as he tried to figure out how that related to what had happened between him and Lottie. “Why are you telling me all this?” He rubbed at his chest, feeling the same hollow ache his father had described moments ago.
“Because you’re doing the exact same thing, Nate.
” His dad looked out onto the trees again as he spoke, his eyes seeming to look past the orchard and into another time.
“You’re pushing away something good because you can’t let yourself believe that someone would love you enough to do anything for you. ”
Nate looked down at the ground. “She should have let me try on my own.”
Nate’s mom scoffed. “Don’t give me that ‘adversity breeds greatness’ crap, Nate.
” She slapped her knees and rose from the porch.
“Sometimes that’s true, but other times you just need to accept someone else’s help to save everyone a whole lot of time and trouble.
Lottie sees that, and it’s about time you did too. ”
His mom stalked into the house, the screen door slamming shut behind her.
Nate looked at his dad who was staring after his wife and trying to hide a smile.
“Oh, she’s not mad at you, son.” His father squeezed his shoulder and looked at him fondly.
“She’s just upset that you’ve been dragging this out for so long when she’s wanted Lottie as a daughter-in-law for about fifteen years now. ”
“Fifteen?” Nate asked, his mouth agape. “One, we were too young to get married back then, and two, I was annoyed by her for most of high school.”
Nate’s dad looked at him knowingly. “The first is true enough, but I’m not so sure about the second, and I don’t think you are either.
I think you always knew you loved that girl Nate, you just chose not to see it for a long time.
Just like you chose to believe the whole town was behind the funding for your little project when that was obviously not the case. ”
Nate scowled. “How was it obvious? I really thought the whole town was behind me.”
His father shot him a withering look. “For the most part, they were, but son, you’ve been seeing what you want to see and ignoring what you didn’t.
” His father raised his brow in question.
“Don’t you think it’s time you stop ignoring what actually makes you happy?
Get out of your head, Nate. Or maybe go talk to someone about why you always panic.
Therapy works wonders for anxiety.” He squeezed Nate’s shoulder one last time before heading into the house as well.
Nate wasn’t sure how long he sat on the porch, staring at the closed screen door, but he did know that there was only one person he wanted to see walking through it that entire time.
The longer he sat and turned over everything that had occurred in his mind, the more Nate realized that he had been completely in the wrong.
He had never been afraid of his love for Lottie, but of her love for him.
She had the grace and patience that a stubborn ass like him needed.
Lottie was everything good and right in this world, and being worthy of the love of someone like that was scary.
How could he ever live up to it? The truth was, he probably never would, and instead of accepting that and letting her love him as he was, he pushed her away again.
Worse, he’d also used her helping him as the excuse, turning an act of great kindness and generosity into something ugly.