Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
THIS ISN’T ME
SADIE
I didn’t even have time to be embarrassed about Weston seeing what a dump our apartment is. I was hit so hard by the fact that Sasha is gone. Being in our place made it so much worse. It didn’t feel real until then.
I would never admit this to Weston, but I don’t know how I would survive if I had to stay there right now.
When we drive into Silver Hills, my spirits buoy slightly. I’ve always loved this beautiful little town. There are no two houses alike, and I love all the intricate detailing on the colorful homes. The small downtown area is boutique heaven, the perfect place to window shop for someone like me. But I’ve never even seen this side of Silver Hills…the beyond wealthy side. We pull up to a large gate and Weston puts a code in. The heavy metal gate silently glides open and we drive down the long driveway with trees lining each side. When I see his— estate seems like the most fitting term for it—I’m filled with a new level of dread.
How am I supposed to function in a place like this?
He pulls around to the side and I see the lake and pool in the back before we park in the garage. He’s been quiet the whole drive, but I think maybe he’s nervous when we get out of the SUV. He starts talking fast.
“Just leave it. I can get everything inside,” he says. “Let me show you around first.”
He’s already getting Caleb’s car seat out and moving through the massive garage.
“You’re welcome to drive any of these. I’m not stingy with my things,” he says, pointing to the other vehicles. “Just let me know when you’re leaving…”
Is this going to feel like a prison or what?
There’s an Audi and a Jeep that is so divine I’d be terrified to drive it, and next to that is a four-wheeler and a boat. And that’s just what I can see as I rush past all of it to follow him. He’s still talking when he realizes I’m not right behind him and he turns, waiting for me to catch up.
“I haven’t been in this house long. I lived a few miles from here and it was a great house, but I was visiting a friend down the street and this was for sale for a long time. I liked the thought of more land, so…” He opens the door, and we walk through a wide hallway into the kitchen and I can’t help it, I gasp.
Back before the baby came and I wasn’t so sleep-deprived, I’d watch any home renovation show when I couldn’t sleep, but my favorites are about the luxury homes. Get me started on those and I’ll stay up all night. I’ve never actually seen a Viking stove in real life before, but I know what it is from those shows. The colors are black and cream and all the doors and windows are arched. It’s stunning. There’s a huge island and a long table nearby. When we walk into the living room, the arches are carried out in here too, only with columns on either side. There are columns on the second level as well, with beautiful iron railings between them. We keep going and there’s a uniquely shaped library, again with an arched door made out of distressed wood and a glass center, and a fireplace near the built-in shelves. It’s the second fireplace I’ve seen. We go into the foyer last, and there are double staircases leading up to the second level.
I’m speechless.
It’s beautiful. There’s no way I’ll ever feel comfortable in a place like this.
“Front door.” He points to the gorgeous arched double doors and then turns toward the double staircases. “There are bedrooms up there, and bedrooms downstairs too. Those stairs were where we came in…I don’t know if you noticed the door leading to the basement.”
I shake my head.
We go up the stairs and he shows me each breathtaking bedroom, and then we go downstairs and there’s a movie room with two rows of luxurious chairs.
“For movie night,” he says. “I haven’t been in this house during the offseason yet—I mean, except for the past couple of weeks—so I haven’t gotten to enjoy all the perks fully yet. Do you like wine?” He points out the huge wine cellar—I’ve never seen anything like it.
I nod and he stops at the large bar and island for entertaining. He bends and opens the beverage fridge—I’ve sort of been obsessed with those in the house shows I’ve seen—and holds up a bottle of water, handing it to me.
I take it, thanking him, and we go see more beautiful bedrooms and bathrooms. I think I’ve counted eight bathrooms.
Caleb wakes up when we’re walking back into the main section of the basement, where the movie screen is set up and the bar is next to it. Weston puts the car seat on the bar and looks at me.
“Is it okay if I take him out of the car seat?” he asks.
It’s funny that he asks me like I’m the expert.
“Yes. He’ll probably want to eat soon and will need his diaper changed.”
He takes him out of the car seat and is so cautious. Caleb gets fussy in the time it takes to get him out and Weston looks panicked.
“He’s stronger than he looks,” I tell him.
He relaxes a little and Caleb settles into his arms.
“What do you think?” Weston asks.
“He looks good.”
“I mean the house. Do you think you can be comfortable here?”
I open my mouth, about to say absolutely not or something else snotty, but I pause. He’s being nice and he doesn’t have to be. I could be in my ratty apartment right now crying because my sister and my nephew have been taken from me, but for whatever reason, Weston Shaw is being decent about the whole thing.
I haven’t figured him out yet, but I don’t have to tonight.
It’s already been a hard enough couple of days.
“Your house is beautiful,” I say instead.
It’s the truth, and it seems to help. His shoulders relax.
“Any favorite places you’d like to be?” he asks.
“I sort of got lost. It’s big.”
He gives me the first honest-to-goodness grin and it’s unsettling. Makes me feel a little too off-kilter.
“You can always try out the rooms. If you don’t like one, try another,” he says.
“Is that what you do? Your place is so clean, I couldn’t really tell which room was yours.” It’s not true. There’s a room upstairs that looked lived in, a huge, beautiful room with a great view of the mountains.
“To tell you the truth, I haven’t really settled in here yet myself. I bought it and had a decorator do most of this while I was on the road, in and out of here. My family’s only come over once, and my parents live ten minutes away.”
I break out into a sweat thinking about having to deal with his family. It’s hard to imagine them treating me as anything other than the enemy.
“Do they know about Caleb yet?” I ask.
“I called them before we were discharged,” he says. “They’re excited to meet him. My sister Felicity is too. She’s married and lives in Landmark Mountain. It’s about an hour and a half away,” he adds when I look at him blankly. “I haven’t talked to my sister Olivia yet, and she’ll have plenty to say about it.” He laughs under his breath and the sound disappears when Caleb starts fussing.
“I have a little bit of my sister’s pumped milk and formula, but I’ll need to buy more formula soon,” I say.
“If you give me a list, I can order it or go get it or…we could go together.”
I reach for Caleb when he starts crying harder and head toward the stairs. “He gets mad when he’s not fed as fast as he wants.”
“Where’s his milk?”
“The frozen milk is in a container in the paper bags and there’s formula in there too, I think. His bottles are in the big blue bag.”
He nods and when we’re at the top of the stairs, he goes to the garage and jogs back in with the bags. Caleb’s cry has escalated to that quiver that is the most pitiful. I hurriedly get a bottle ready and it’s not fast enough.
“He is pissed ,” Weston says, sounding somewhat terrified.
That almost makes me laugh, and we both sigh in relief when I get the bottle in Caleb’s mouth. He doesn’t want it at first, but he must be hungry enough to try. He finally stops crying and takes the bottle.
“You’re a pro,” Weston says.
I snort. “Hardly. I’ve done my share of holding him when I get home from work or when he’s fussy at night, but Sasha was with him 24/7.”
“What kind of mom was she?” He winces. “You don’t have to answer that. We don’t have to talk about her right now…unless you want to.”
I swallow hard. “She didn’t think she was doing a good job, but she was doing the best she could.”
It’s all I can say, and it seems to be enough. He watches me for a moment and then he goes out to get the rest of our things.
After Caleb is fed and changed, we go to Weston’s computer in the office next to the library and order formula and diapers and wipes, baby monitors galore and a few outfits simply because they’re cute, a bouncy seat and swing…and a beautiful crib and dresser that can serve as a changing table on top.
It’s been unreal to shop without looking at the price. I tried to be conscientious about it at first, but then he’d ask if that was the one I really liked or not. Once I said what I liked most, we liked the same things, which also ended up being the most expensive.
I feel guilty that I’m here.
That I’m not treating Weston like the enemy he is.
And mostly…that I’m here and Sasha’s not.
But I keep thinking of this little boy I’m holding.
All I’ve ever wanted is what’s best for him.
“Oh, we’ll need a special trash can that hides the smelly diapers,” I say as we’re finishing up.
He points at me. “I would’ve never ever thought of that.”
By the time I put Caleb in the portable crib and crawl into the bed next to him, I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I decided to go with a bedroom in the basement. There are still tons of windows down here despite it being a basement. It’s gorgeous. And it’s as far from Weston as we can get, so it feels like I’m holding on to a bit of myself in this strange new reality.
I text a few people to see if they can cover my shifts for the next week and a half at the steakhouse where I work, and once I have most of them covered, I let my boss Kim know what’s going on. She’s sorry to hear about Sasha and tells me to not worry about the shifts I didn’t get filled, she’ll take care of it. I have no idea what life is going to look like now.
It takes about an hour and a half for me to fall asleep. I toss and turn and cry. And when I finally drift off, Caleb wakes up and it’s like last night—nothing seems to make him happy.