Chapter 16 #2
Fuck it. I’m going to ask Ellie to come with me.
Not as my friend, but as my date. I’ll pick her up in a limo, wear a suit, and show her that I haven’t forgotten how this whole dating thing works.
Not because I expect anything from her, but because I fucking love being around her, and I know that I will ultimately regret never taking a chance, even if she shoots me down in flames.
I pick up my cell phone and try not to feel nervous as I find Ellie the Magnificent and Awesome in my now slightly bigger contacts list.
What do I have to lose? My self-esteem? No big deal. My best friend? Much more of a risk. But I’m sure our relationship can survive…right?
Too late now because she answers right away, and the sound of her voice makes me smile. It soothes every single frayed nerve in my body, while simultaneously making my heart race with excitement.
“Hey,” she says, unusually quiet.
“Hey back at you. How are you doing?”
“Since I last saw you, this morning?”
Fuck, my palms are sweaty. Nerves are back. “Uh, yeah. Any big developments?”
She’d normally laugh at that, but she doesn’t. Maybe she’s tired. I know she didn’t get much rest either. “I’m okay, I’m just in the office. I have so much work to catch up on. The new app launches soon.”
Right. The fitness app she’s been working on. The project means a lot to her, and I respect how committed she is to her job. She sounds busy, distracted, and maybe this isn’t a good time. But maybe there won’t ever be a good time.
“Okay, I won’t keep you too long. I was just hoping that you’d, um, do me the honor of being my, ah, date, tonight? If I could have the privilege of escorting you?” Jesus fuck! When did I turn into a Victorian gent? “I mean, do you want to come to the party at Ellroys with me?”
She’s silent, and that’s not like her. For a start, I just gave her some great ammo for absolutely ripping the shit out of me.
Instead, she mumbles something so quietly I ask her to repeat herself.
Damn. This is not going well. Definitely not how I hoped it would.
“What was that, Ellie, I can’t quite hear you? ”
“I said I’m sorry, Maddox, but I can’t.”
I wait for the follow up. For Ellie to do what she’d normally would and tell me why—a girls’ night with Katy, a Pilates marathon, work, washing her hair, whatever the fuck.
She doesn’t. She just leaves me hanging. My heart feels like it plummets to my fucking ankles.
“Oh. Yeah. Right. Okay, see you soon?” Another one of those weird pauses. What the fuck?
“Bye, Mad,” she says softly, a sadness in her voice that almost breaks me. Fuck the party, I want to go to the Jamestech office and see her right now so I can find out what’s wrong.
Shit. There I go, being arrogant again. Why would she want that? She’s probably seen too much of me. It’s got to be that. It can’t be the actual party, because I know she enjoys them.
A deep ache gnaws its way through my chest. Things between us have been going so well. She’s my best friend. We do almost everything together. So why is she standing me up?
Does she have better plans, a better offer? Maybe a date with a man who will actually fuck her like the sensationally sexy woman she is. The thought has jealousy flaring hot and fierce in my gut. Suddenly, I could tear this fictional asshole limb from limb with my bare hands.
Fuck, if it’s that, then maybe I’ll deserve it. And I’ll have to deal with it.
But what if the real reason she’s distancing herself from me isn’t that.
What if it’s because she wants more than what I’ve been willing to offer her.
I’ve been so set on my path that I’ve never given her any hint that I was thinking of turning my back on celibacy.
Let alone for her. She’s not a mind reader.
I don’t think I really knew myself until right now.
Or maybe I’m just desperately hoping that’s the case, because then I can fix this. I will give Ellie every-fucking-thing in the world if that’s what she wants.
I throw the stupid phone across the bed, watching it bounce. I don’t know what she wants. I barely know what I want. And I have a party to go to, even though that feels like the last thing on earth I want to do.
I go through the motions, because I said I’d be there, and because I don’t like to let people down.
There’s no suit, though, and no limo. Definitely no Ellie.
Even when I get here and take the elevator to the swanky restaurant at the top of the tower, part of me wonders if she’s going to turn up.
I glance around the crowded room and know immediately that she’s not here.
There are hundreds of people, but the only person I have any interest in being with isn’t among them.
Mason has messaged me to say he won’t be making it tonight, either.
Apparently King is home after traveling on a case out-of-state, and he’s tired.
They ‘need some downtime with the pups,’ which I take as code for ‘we need some time to screw each other’s brains out.
’ I type back a quick reply assuring him that’s fine.
Then I stand, an island, and look around.
There’s food, which I’m normally interested in. There’s drink, which is fucking tempting tonight. And there are people, none of whom are Ellie.
I take in a deep breath, tell myself to suck it up and see what happens. There’s every chance I could meet some great people here and make some valuable contacts. I could actually enjoy myself.
I don’t think it’s likely, but fuck, I’ll give it a go.
And I do, I really do. I talk and I circulate and I accept business cards from strangers.
I taste oysters and drink endless OJs, and I even dance a little, with a particularly insistent dude who turns out to be the owner of a tapas place I like on the Upper East Side.
I see a few people I know, and meet even more that I don’t.
I even spy Katy, Ellie’s friend, across the room with a bunch of people.
My heart rate speeds up for just a moment until I realize that Ellie’s not with her.
Not only isn’t she here, but she’s definitely not on a girls’ nights either.
Katy waves at me. I should go and talk to her.
I can’t though. All I’m likely to do is blurt out something stupid and make a complete ass of myself.
Why does everything feel so fucking meaningless without Ellie here?
I’m suddenly too hot. The room is too crowded.
Everyone else is drunk, happy, carefree.
It makes me wonder how much fun it would be to let loose like they are.
To stop saying no. To give myself a night off from being a fucking monk.
I’m just a human being, and right now I’m stressed as hell. Maybe I need a break from being me.
The DJ plays something classic by Usher, and the dance floor is mobbed. Everywhere I look I see smiling faces, hear laughter, witness a mass of human beings engaged in the simple act of Having a Fucking Great Time. While I stand in the middle of it all, stone cold sober. Alone.
It’s too much. I have to get out of here. I push my way out of the hubbub, politely at first but with increasing desperation. I finally escape, burst free, and head towards the men’s room. I splash my face with cold water and stare in the mirror.
What the hell is going on with me tonight?
The door to one of the cubicles opens, and the tapas guy, Monty, emerges. He sniffs hard and wipes his nostrils with the back of his hand. His pupils are huge, and I instantly know exactly what he’s been doing in there.
“Hey Maddox,” he says, nodding at me over-enthusiastically.
I can almost feel the effect the chemicals are having on him.
The way they’re rushing through his veins, flooding his system, making his synapses pop and the entire world light up.
Every bad thing chased away, every anxious thought gone.
I know that feeling oh so well. And I know it doesn’t last. But fuck, while it does…
while it does, you’re the king of the whole goddamn world.
“You want a little bump?” he asks, offering me a small plastic bag from his pocket.