Chapter 17
Ellie
“You missed a crazy party last night,” Katy says, stretching out after class.
I spent the entire night alone on my sofa thinking about Maddox and being desperately sad, which is stupid given that I could have been with him.
My poor heart can’t seem to accept that we’re just friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.
“Crazy how?” I ask.
Weirdly, Katy called me just after Maddox, saying she’d been given a last-minute invite to the fancy launch of the new restaurant and asking if I wanted to go with her.
I used work as an excuse, not that I needed to make one with Katy.
I could have told her the real reason—that I was suffering from a bad case of melancholy, possibly terminal.
But if I did that, she would have cancelled her night out, and she sounded so excited about it.
Besides, I was feeling so messed up that I thought it was better for me to be alone.
I genuinely did have a lot of work to do, and my brain needed a break from thinking about Maddox.
Even though, logically, I know not going with him last night was for the best, it still felt wrong.
He’s not looking for more than friendship, and if I’m truly honest with myself, even if he did want more with me, am I ready for that kind of relationship?
Maddox is exactly the kind of guy that could be…
well, he could be my forever. But I’m still not ready to share those demons from my past with him, and I’m not sure I ever will be.
If I ever saw pity in his eyes when he looked at me, it might just break me.
Sadly for me, my brain didn’t get the break from Maddox memo, and I still can’t get him out of my head.
Even during my class, which normally blocks out everything else, I was thinking about him, trying to disentangle my feelings.
Like one of those necklaces you get out of a drawer after three years, so twisted and knotted that it takes you an hour to fix.
“Crazy in every way. The food was great, the drinks were flowing, and…” she drops her voice to a whisper. “Girl, there were so many drugs it was insane. People were passing them around like candy by the end.”
I wrinkle my nose. “That’s not really my kind of scene.”
“Not mine either, you know that. But it sure seemed like it was your friend Maddox’s though. He was there in the thick of it.”
My heart stops beating in my chest, frozen in terror.
I pause my stretches and stare at her. She doesn’t know that Maddox is in recovery, because as close as Katy and I are, it’s not my place to talk about him and his personal battles behind his back.
“What do you mean Maddox was in the thick of it? Did you actually see him doing drugs?”
She shakes her head. “Didn’t actually see him, no. But he was with this whole group of guys who were, like, very obviously white powder central.”
Oh, shit. Did Maddox know the party was going to be like that, and did he need me to help keep him on the straight and narrow?
Fucktarts! Have I totally let him down, just because I’m living in some fantasy world where he could ever want a girl like me.
Hiding away, nursing my bruised ego. What kind of friend does that make me?
A shitty one, that’s what.
I’ve messed everything up. I was selfish, and I didn’t even consider that he might need me. Fighting addiction is hard, especially on your own.
I say a quick goodbye to Katy, keeping all of this to myself.
As I head into the foyer I call him, but there’s no answer.
My hearts sinks. It’s after 10am, and Maddox is normally an early riser.
I’ve never known him sleep past eight, so why isn’t he answering his phone?
I call him again. Still no answer. And again, and again. He doesn’t pick up.
My brain starts running through all kinds of scenarios, none of which are positive.
I go from him relapsing to him hooking up with someone to him being in a terrible accident and lying alone somewhere in a gutter—the latter very unlikely to happen in New York, but the mind is a wondrous and scary place. I’m in a panic, so worried for him.
I clutch my gym bag and my purse, rushing out of the studio to hail a cab.
I knock on his door and he doesn’t answer. I knock again. And again. He’s not picking up his phone. He’s not here. So where the hell is he?
This is all my fault. Why was I such a self-obsessed asshole? Why didn’t I just go to that damn party with him. I could tell he was a little off when he called. He doesn’t normally talk so formally, but I was so far down the rabbit hole of my own sorrows that I didn’t stop to wonder why.
I should have been there for him, and I wasn’t. I rest my forehead on his door, trying to calm my racing heart before I knock again. Just in case he’s inside and has somehow gone temporarily deaf. I know his neighbors haven’t, because one of them has already asked me to keep the noise down.
I’m still standing outside his place, shaking with worry, when I finally hear his voice. “Ellie,” he says, sounding concerned. “What’s wrong?”
My head snaps up as I see him walking from the direction of the elevators and down his hallway towards me. Relief washes through me, seeping through to my bones. He doesn’t look high or like he’s on a comedown. He looks…
Oh, dearest goddesses of the universe, what in Gaia’s name are you trying to do to me?
There’s never been any denying that Maddox James is a beautiful specimen of a man, but wow.
I have to warn myself not to actually drool.
Thankfully, he’s not lying dead in a gutter.
Far from it. He’s wearing only a pair of gray running shorts and a soaking wet T-shirt tossed over one muscular shoulder—a walking wall of muscle, tattoos, and abs advancing on me.
A bead of perspiration runs down his chest, coming to a stop at his navel, and while I’ve never found myself turned on by a man’s sweat before, I would happily lick him clean.
Every taut, toned inch. I’m relieved and scared and aching with desire all at once.
Maybe the worry has heightened everything else, and holy hell, that throbbing between my thighs is now so strong I wonder how I’m managing to stay upright.
Everything is rushing at me at once—relief that he’s okay, how edible-y amazing he looks, all of the need I’ve been trying to ignore for months now. I’m drowning in it all.
“What are you doing here?” His dark eyes narrow. “And why do you look so … worried?”
“I—I, you weren’t answering your phone.”
“I was out running.”
I nod, pressing my lips together. Of course he was. He runs almost every single day and rarely takes his phone anywhere. And I am the stupidest person in the history of people. I mentally face palm myself. Why did I assume the worst?
And why does he look like that? It just isn’t fair. No man should have all that sexy hot godlikeness all to himself. “Yes, I see that now.”
“Did you need me for something?” He sounds distant. Cool.
Or perhaps that’s my guilt overthinking for me. “What? Why? No.” I look at the floor, mortified. Ashamed that I thought he might have relapsed.
“So, you didn’t need me? Then you’re here banging on my door, because?”
Oh my god, how do I even explain this to him?
I take a deep breath and give it my best shot.
Remind myself that whatever else, we are friends.
I can be honest with him, at least about some things.
I might have to lie to protect my heart, but I can be truthful about this.
“My friend, Katy, was at that party last night.”
“Yeah. I saw her. So what?” He looks genuinely confused. But he’s also not quite himself. Something is different. Dread bubbles low in the pit of my stomach.
“Well, she said there were a lot of guys doing drugs and that you were with them. And I’m not making assumptions, Maddox, I promise you, but…I couldn’t get hold of you. And I just feel so guilty for letting you down.”
“Letting me down? How exactly have you let me down, Ellie?”
I stare into his deep brown eyes, hypnotized by them as usual. He’s close now and smells like fresh sweat and hot man. My knees are turning to jelly. This man undoes me in every single way.
I may be keeping secrets, but I can’t outright lie to him.
I’m not even capable of embellishing the truth a little.
No, he deserves total honesty in this regard.
“I thought that maybe you’d asked me to the party because you knew there’d be a lot of alcohol and drugs there.
I thought you might have needed someone for support, you know.
Maybe that you’d asked me to come with you because you knew it would be easier to say no if I was there.
It’s stupid. But then you wouldn’t answer your phone, and I panicked and thought what if you’d needed me for that, and I’d let you down.
And then I was just so worried about you and I—”
“Ellie,” he says my name to stop my nervous babbling. His eyes roam my face, and it feels like he’s actually touching me. He takes a step closer. “God, you are fucking adorable when you’re nervous.”
You calling me adorable is not helping my nerves!
He just called me adorable, but he looks so serious. Not my usual smiley Maddox. Despite his size, Maddox always comes across as gentle. But right now, the way he’s looming over me, all bare-chested muscle and insane levels of eye contact, doesn’t feel gentle at all.
I try to take in a breath, but suddenly there’s no air in this hallway. “I’m sorry, I just…” I screw my eyes closed. “I’m not adorable. I’m such an idiot.”
He eats up the space between us in one stride, until somehow my back ends up pressed against his front door. Oh, holy mother of all creation.