Chapter 31
Maddox
Her eyes are filled with tears when she opens the door, and I immediately feel like such a jackass for making her worry.
I abandoned her in Chicago, skipped out on her family, and didn’t even explain myself.
She has every right to be upset, not to mention angry.
I called her last night, told her that I loved and missed her, and that I’d be here on her doorstep as soon as she was ready to speak to me.
She messaged me as soon as she got home. Now here I am.
“Maddox. Are you okay?”
She isn’t angry. Despite everything I’ve put her through over the last two days, her first thought is for me. She is fucking amazing, and even if this is the last time I see her, I cannot regret what we’ve had together.
As soon as we’re inside her apartment, I pull her into my arms and kiss away the tears that spill down her cheeks. “Yeah, baby. I’m so sorry if I worried you.”
“You rushed out so fast.” She sniffs, burying her head against my chest. “I was so worried about you, and you were so distant on the phone. I had no idea what was going on.”
Shit. She must have been driving herself crazy with worry. I was too wrapped up in my own shit to think about how hurt she must have been when I left with no explanation. I was lost without her here, but I did what I had to do so I’d be in the right frame of mind for this conversation.
After I spoke with Nathan I went to a meeting.
I talked to my sponsor, Pat. I spent time with people I trust with my dark side.
Obviously, they don’t know the whole fucked-up version of my past, but they’re the safe space I needed to process some of this.
To prepare myself for this, for the real risk that I could lose her.
“I’m sorry, El. I was an insensitive jackass. ”
“I know that my family are a lot—”
“No, baby,” I stop her right there, cupping her face in my hands. “This was nothing to do with who you are, or your family. It was about who I am.”
She blinks at me, her huge blue eyes shining. “What do you mean?”
“I have something I need to tell you, and to be honest baby, I’m really not looking forward to it.”
She frowns, running her hands over my shoulders, her touch soothing me. “Whatever it is, Mad, I can deal with it. You won’t break us, okay?”
Fuck, I hope that’s true. But even if it isn’t, it has to be done. For both our sakes.
“I did something, a long time ago. Something that your Uncle Lorenzo helped me out with.” I see the confusion flicker across her face.
She must know the truth of who her uncle is and what he does?
And now she must be wondering how the hell her boyfriend’s life intersected with his.
“I should have told you anyway and I would have one day, I swear. But…” I blow out a breath.
“The truth is, it might change everything, Ellie.”
I recall every time she’s spoken about the things she likes about me—my kind soul, my good heart. Now she’s about to learn the full fucking story. She’s about to meet the real Maddox James.
“Change everything how? You’re freaking me out, Mad. What is it?”
“Can we sit down?”
She nods, and I shrug out of my jacket before we sit on the comfy couch in her living room. The place smells faintly of her incense burners and the cinnamon she sprinkles on her cocoa. It’s comforting and safe, and it’s her.
Except I’m in it now, and maybe about to shatter that peace.
I can feel the anxiety radiating from her, and I wish I could assure her that everything will be okay.
But the truth is, I’m feeling just as scared.
What if this changes how she sees me? Just because she’s no stranger to violent men in her life doesn’t mean she’ll want one as a partner.
I cramp up inside, the pain of losing her so real it’s physical.
She holds my hands in hers. “Breathe, Maddox. Let’s breathe together, because I sure need it, too.”
I remember that day at Mario’s. Her panic attack, and how I helped her breathe her way through it. I’m not having a panic attack, but I do feel like my world’s about to implode. It’s like someone poured cement over my soul and now it’s hardening, trapping me inside.
I nod, and together we do some deep box breathing. It calms me enough to go on. I look into her eyes, feel her soft fingers in mine. “Tell me, Mad. Start at the beginning,” she urges.
“I told you about Yasmin, didn’t I?”
She nods. “Your girlfriend from when you were younger. How she took her own life.”
“Yeah, she did. She killed herself because she was raped, by three guys at a party. It was a party I took her to, but we had a stupid argument, and I left her there…”
Her face pales, eyes filling with sadness. “Oh, Maddox. That’s terrible. That poor girl. But you must know that it’s not your fault,” she says quickly.
“I know, baby. I do. Occasionally the guilt creeps up on me and makes me wonder otherwise, but I recognize that for the destructive thinking it is. There’s more to this, though.”
She stares at me, unblinking.
“The trial was just as brutalizing and intrusive as the rape was. It was fucking awful for her, El. She killed herself before it was even over, and I hate that she was in so much pain and I couldn’t help her.” I swat at a tear that rolls down my cheek.
Ellie gently squeezes my hands, urging me to go on.
“The sick fucks who raped her got off with it. They were rich, from well-known families, respectable on the surface. Their lawyers were fucking sharks, Ellie. Not like Nathan is when he’s in the courtroom.
They were fucking brutal, cruel the way they painted her as some…
” I suck in a breath, my nostrils flaring as the memory brings up that old, unforgotten rage.
“And she was violated all over again,” Ellie murmurs sadly.
Of course she gets it. She had to testify against her own father.
I can only imagine how much strength that took, but it doesn’t surprise me—she’s a fucking warrior as well as an angel.
“She was so fucking brave facing all of that. When she first went to the cops, she believed that justice would be served. That they’d be put away and never hurt another woman.
Except that’s not what happened. They walked free, laughing their asses off on the courthouse steps. And she was gone.”
I still remember getting the news that she’d died.
It was my Dad who found out first. He’d put his hand on my shoulder and taken me into his study to tell me.
I felt like the world exploded in that moment.
I was a kid myself, and I’d suffered too much loss.
I don’t think I ever fully recovered. “I’m so sorry, Mad.
She was brave, to go through with that trial, and it’s so unfair what happened to her. ”
She must have questions, but she doesn’t rush me. I lean back on the couch, and Ellie nestles into my side. The perfect fit, as ever. At least for now.
“So, her Dad was well and truly messed up, as you can imagine. When the system let them down so badly, he took justice into his own hands. He shot two of them dead.”
Her eyes dart up at me, wide in shock. “Oh, that poor man. What happened to him?”
I like the fact that her first question is concern about Yasmin’s dad. Maybe there’s some hope for me.
“He’s still in prison. I go see him every year on her birthday.
The third guy, though, was Milton Travers III.
He dodged a bullet, quite literally. He ran away to Mexico until it was safe.
Or at least until he thought it was safe.
He was at college in Chicago and went there to party before semester started. I found him.”
I feel her tense. “What do you mean, you found him?”
“I tracked him. Hunted him down. Found the hotel he was holed up in, and I watched him for a couple of days. Saw him party, live his wonderful life. Also saw a few girls staggering out of his place looking dazed and confused, which made me wonder what he was up to. Then I confronted him.”
She simply nods like she knows what’s coming.
“I killed him, Ellie. And your uncle Lorenzo helped me out afterward.” I don’t say anymore than that about his part in it.
Partly because I don’t need to, but also because Lorenzo Moretti saved me from a life in prison.
The man did me a huge fucking solid, and he didn’t even know me.
I’d never drop him in it. Besides, Ellie knows the kind of work he does.
I wait, and it feels like forever. She squeezes her arms tight around me and gazes up into my eyes. She’s crying. Why is she crying?
Of course. A woman like Ellie could never build a life with a murderer. Life is too sacred to her. I brace myself for what must be coming next.
“Maddox, I’m so sorry you went through all of that. You were a child, doing a man’s job. It must have been awful.”
She’s not breaking up with me. At least not yet. I have to tell her everything, though.
“El, I’ll be honest with you, it was awful and I was a fucking mess. But actually killing him? It wasn’t as hard as I expected. And I don’t regret it, not for one second.” There. It’s out, in all its hideous glory. Now I’m in her hands.
Hands that are reaching up, tenderly tracing my cheekbones, stroking my jaw.