15. Talia
TALIA
“Oh, how sweet. I miss my baby,” I stated as I watched the couple hug.
I pulled my eyes away from them as she tipped up on her toes to kiss him. But just as I pulled my eyes away, something about them caught my eye. They looked too familiar.
My heart dropped when they stepped apart. My first thought was, not again. This could not be happening. It had been almost eight months since I had my heart broken the first time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I believed in Izael in a way that I had never believed in a man before. I was sure that he wouldn’t hurt me, and yet, here I was again. I sat at the corner of 4 th and River Street, waiting for the light to change.
I hated traffic lights! They were becoming a harbinger of doom in my life. He stood in the parking lot of The Culinary Canvas watching his supposed ex-girlfriend Cee-Cee as she drove off. Someone behind me honked their horn, and I looked up to see that the light had changed and the other cars in front of me had pulled off.
I angrily honked my horn back and sped off. My fingers pressed the button to summon Siri.
“Call Eve,” I commanded.
My bottom lip and chin quivered as the phone rang.
“Hey, boo. What’s going on?” Eve greeted a few seconds later.
“I cannot do this again, Eve. I swear that I can’t keep going through this.” I sobbed into the phone as I drove past Tri-County Mall in the River Oaks community.
My heart was done. I had already been disappointed about not getting my dream job at the Bold Beautiful Black Girl magazine, where I would have been given free rein to create the foodie section of the magazine. I had a great vision of what it would look like. In my heart, I consoled myself with the fact that at least I had a good man who loved me, and I would find something better. Now, I didn’t even have that.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Eve asked.
“Are you in a place you can talk?”
“I’m heading to a conference room now. Keep talking. I’m listening. Or do I need to get my shoes and Vaseline to be ready to beat a bitch’s ass?”
My best friend stayed on go all the time.
“Cee-Cee.”
“Wait. What? What did she do?”
“Kissed my man.”
“Hold up. How the hell did that happen? Y’all just got together.”
I called Eve the day after the cookout fiasco at my parents’ home and spilled the entire story to her about Izael and me.
“I had just finished grocery shopping, and I was on my way home when I saw the two of them in the parking lot of The Culinary Canvas.”
“Ohh, nice restaurant—romantic in the evening and a vibe in the afternoon.”
“Listen, I don’t need you to tell me what it’s like. I’ve been there.”
“Sorry. Not trying to make it worse, but go on.”
“Well, I just happened to look up and see this cute couple hugging in the parking lot. I was thinking about how much I missed my baby, and I couldn’t wait for him to come home from work. She kissed him just as I was looking away. But I looked back again, and I noticed it was them.”
“Are you sure?”
“A thousand percent sure. Eve, you know I know that man like the back of my hand.” I cried and wiped the tears from my face.
“Did they kiss on the lips?”
“Uhm…” I didn’t think so, but that was beside the point. Why was he having lunch with her, why were they hugging, and why did she kiss him at all? I was sure he had told her about me, or maybe he hadn’t.
“It makes a difference, Chè.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Yes, it does.”
“How?” I wanted to freaking scream at her because she was being unreasonable right now, but I knew that she thought I was.
“Because if on the lips, then you have a problem. But if it was on the cheek, then there’s no problem. That’s how Cee-Cee is. She kisses everyone. She’s a sweetheart, and we both know that. Despite her past with Zae, she would never willingly hurt you.”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know.”
“You need to think long and hard about that, Chè. Because that will determine how you need to handle this.”
“I didn’t call you for logic, Eve. I called you to be on my side.”
“You’re in your emotions right now. And I’m sure with what you’ve gone through with Ricky, you’re feeling a way, and you deserve to. But I’m also sure that when you calm down and look at this from a logical perspective, you’ll see that it wasn’t as bad as you thought. When you calm down, and not a minute before, you need to have a conversation with Zae to find out what happened.”
I sighed. “It hurts, Eve. He’s the one who I thought wouldn’t do that. He’s always been protective of me since I was a kid. So, I thought I could trust him.”
“And maybe you still can. Maybe he’s not doing anything wrong at all. Just give the man the benefit of the doubt.”
Eve pleaded with me because she knew that my temper just might fuck up my relationship. I had zero tolerance for cheating because I wasn’t a cheater, and I had never seen that in my parents’ relationship or my brother’s. I wanted what was reflected in the lives of those around me.
“Fine. But if I find out otherwise, get my bail money ready, Eve.”
She laughed.
“I’m not playing. Call up Anneka and tell her to hold my business down until I get out.”
“Girl, calm your little ass down. Call me after you speak with that man.”
“Okay.”
“Talia?” Whenever she called me by my name, I knew she meant business.
“Huh?”
“I’m not playing with your ass. Don’t fuck up a good thing. If you do, I’ll be all in that ass. You hear me?”
“Girl, yes.”
“Good. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
We ended the call, and I went home and fucked up my kitchen while I waited for him to come home. I baked lasagna, veggie lasagna, eggplant parmesan, fried chicken, green beans with a lemon garlic butter sauce, two grilled T-bone steaks, stuffed peppers, baked potatoes, a Caesar salad, and biscuits from scratch. Then I turned around and made a peach cobbler, including making the crust from scratch.
* * *
By the time Izael came home that night, I had cleaned the kitchen and laid out all the food on the kitchen counters.
“Hey, baby.” He greeted me when he walked in the door with a smile.
“Hey,” I mumbled.
“Oh, shit. Who fucked up?” Izael asked, looking around the kitchen.
It was no secret that when I was angry, I calmed myself down by cooking. I had done that since I was eleven-years-old.
For whatever reason, I didn’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt as Eve had warned me to. I didn’t want to hear his reason, his logic, or his piss-poor excuses.
“No one.”
I felt his intense gaze on me as I walked out of the kitchen with a water bottle and plopped down on the couch.
Izael sighed and came and sat down beside me. From the corner of my eye, I watched him loosen his tie and remove his cufflinks. He looked so sexy and delicious in the bespoke suits he wore.
“I can’t fix whatever is bothering you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, Chè.”
I turned up the water bottle to my lips and took a long sip.
“Baby, talk to me.”
My bottom lip trembled as I screwed the top back on. Izael was a damn good man, and I didn’t want to lose him.
“I trusted you with my heart, Zae.”
“And I promised to take good care of it, baby.”
I pulled my feet up onto the couch beside me and closed my eyes. I felt the warmth of his touch as he dragged his palm over my shoulders and down my arm.
“I saw you today.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I saw you and Cee-Cee in the parking lot at The Culinary Canvas.”
Although he sat back, I could see the tension in his arms and shoulders. Tears fell from my eyes, and I continued with my explanation. “I saw you hugging each other and then she kissed you.”
“On the cheek,” he explained in resignation.
“Why were you with her?”
“Cee-Cee is my realtor, baby. She’s the one who has been helping me with my house hunt.”
“Why didn’t I know that?”
“I should have told you, but I didn’t think it was a big matter.”
“It’s a huge matter to me, Zae.”
My shoulders shook as I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears now that I had shared the source of my pain.
“I asked you to trust me,” he replied as he tried to pull me into him.
I resisted and turned sideways to look at him. Although I loved his comforting touch, I needed him to hear my heart right now. I didn’t want to get caught up in the feel-good moment. We needed to have a serious heart-to-heart, and Izael needed to understand what I was going through.
“You have to understand that Ricky did a number on me, Zae. It’s not easy for me to trust men after that. I mean, not only was he cheating with my roommate, who was also my friend, but both of them used to gaslight the fuck out of me and belittle me about my weight and then pretend they weren’t doing that shit. I want to open up and trust you, but it’s hard. Seeing you and her like that triggered me.”
“I hear you, Chè. I do. But you’re gonna have to learn to trust a nigga. I can’t always be compared to his ass and keep having to prove myself in this relationship. I haven’t done a damn thing to have to keep answering for. It sometimes feels like I’m answering for that nigga’s sins, and I ain’t gonna do that shit no more.”
“I get that. But you have no idea what it felt like sitting at that traffic light and seeing the two of you together like that. It was the Ricky and Ro shit show all over again. My heart ached because here I was thinking that I had a good man who loves me, protects me, and wants me for who I am, and then I see you with your ex-girlfriend. The two of you are hugging and she’s kissing you. I started to wonder if you were having doubts about me, or if you hadn’t gotten over her yet. It hurt me so deeply, Zae, and in that moment, I was thrown back in time.
“It broke me to see my man being affectionate with another woman like that, especially one he was in a committed relationship with. I trusted Ricky and he downplayed what was going on between him and Ro until I busted their asses. It scares me to open my heart so freely to anyone anymore, especially you. I cannot explain how deeply I love you, Zae, and how all I want is to be with you, to love you, and to build something with you. If you were to cheat on me or leave me, I would be devastated. I don’t think that would be something I could come back from. And that’s all I felt seeing the two of you together: fear, heartache, and devastation. It hurts.” I sobbed.
“Baby, I’m so sorry. I never want to cause you a minute of pain, Chè.”
This time when Izael reached for me, I willingly went into his arms. He lifted me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed the top of my head and rubbed soothing circles on my back.
“I want to trust you,” I cried.
“Then do that shit, baby. Shhh. Your heart is a beautiful, fragile crystal work of art to me. It’s tender, loving, and kind. I will do nothing to shatter that. Do you understand me?”
I bobbed my head.
“Look at me. Do you understand me?” he repeated. This time he turned my head so I could look into his eyes.
“Yes.”
“You are the best part of my day, Chè. I look forward to waking up with you in my arms, living life with you after work, and holding you close while we fall asleep together at night. I love making love to your body, hearing your thoughts, and listening to how your day went. I look for any opportunity to pick up any broken pieces in your life and help you put them back together again. What you saw was nothing more than Cee-Cee congratulating me on finding the place that I wanted for the price that I offered.
“Cee-Cee and I will never be a couple again. God forbid if you and I don’t work out, Chè. I would still never be involved with her again. You are my person, and you have my heart. It’s you that I love and no one else. You got that?”
“Yeah,” I said softly and buried my face in his shirt.
“I want you to be honest with yourself. Are you truly in love with me or the idea of me since you’ve had a crush on me since you were a kid?”
“I love you, Zae.”
“And I don’t doubt that. But what is it that you love about me?”
“Your courage and fearlessness. I love how you find the good in most things in life, and you’d lay down your life to protect what’s most important to you. I love how you stand for what you believe in, and you’re not easily swayed to do something different. You stand firm on your beliefs, morals, and values, and I admire that.”
Izael sighed and stared at me for several long moments.
“What?” I asked, growing uneasy under his gaze.
“Next time you see something out of whack, please call me and ask. Don’t rush home to cook up a whole restaurant worth of food and let your emotions control you. You feel me?”
“Yes.”
“Now who loves you?”
“You do, baby.”
He kissed my lips gently, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
We lost ourselves in the kiss for several moments before I pulled back and ended the kiss.
“So, you’re leaving me?”
He sighed again as he stared into my eyes. My heart jumped wildly around in my chest and my belly clenched in fear of his response.
“I’m not leaving you; not this relationship. But I will be moving out soon.”
“Don’t go, baby. I know that I was wrong and shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I was just scared and hurt. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t lose me. But I do think that things happened between us quickly.”
“They did, but is that a bad thing?”
Izael dragged his hand down his face, and then he angled his head as he stared into my eyes. “Maybe you need some time to truly get over Ricky. Until you do, there’s no place in your heart for me, li’l homie. I wanna be that nigga that locks you down, but I can’t until you’re ready.”
He wrapped me up in his arms, and I allowed his words to penetrate my heart and mind, while I waited for them to saturate my soul.
I was scared of Zae’s love. It had been too good to be true, and all along, I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now, I realized I had been looking for a reason to let this thing go because I was scared of how deeply and fiercely I loved this man.
The feelings I held for Ricky didn’t have anything on what I felt for Izael. The love for him that I had harbored through the years had only grown with intensity since we had been living together, and it consumed me once we became intimate. That terrified me because a love like that could cause a woman to lose herself.