Chapter 33
Kensie
Three days later, I traveled from Shreveport to Dallas.
The time away from Houston allowed me to reflect on the last few months.
I wanted to feel hope, not regret, at the end of my blissful time with Canaan.
The conversation with my parents helped me understand their decision to remain together.
As Canaan had believed, they did love each other.
They just hadn’t realized that their way of loving each other was negatively impacting me.
It was an eye-opening conversation that drew me closer to my parents.
We promised to visit each other more, and they promised to be more supportive of my career and more involved in my life.
As I prepared to confess my sins on a live in a downtown Dallas hotel, I mused that despite my aching heart, Canaan showed me how to be vulnerable and to love.
I enjoyed our closeness and our friendship.
Eventually, I would move past the daily pain of waking up alone.
I vowed that when I healed this time, I wouldn’t shut the door on love again with the next man.
My research wouldn’t just be fodder for my social media, awards, and books. It would reflect my life.
Jumping around my room and shaking my hands to release the building nervous energy didn’t seem to work.
I finally eased to the floor and drew in long breaths as I’d seen Canaan do for weeks.
When I opened my eyes, quiet filled me. I grabbed my cell off the bed, remained seated on the carpet, and started the camera.
“Hey, everybody. I’ve read your messages, and I thank you for all your love and support during this challenging time.
I want to give a love shot to the couples who met through my book and keep kicking it.
Finding a person who truly gets you is the hardest damn thing in the world.
So, when you find it, hold on to it for dear life because it could be fleeting if you don’t.
” Tears pricked the back of my eyes, and I willed the replacement of sadness with hope.
“I know I’ve been out of pocket for a while.
Again, I appreciate all the well wishes and concerns.
Your comments kept me going through my darkest hour, and I’m good. Canaan is good.
“He’s recovering from his injuries and will race again if you haven’t heard.
I wanted to clear the record, or maybe to set the record straight.
” I lifted my chin and focused on my screen, noting the many comments swirling past. “It’s not my intention, and I hope my confession doesn’t cause Canaan’s impressive career any further harm.
I want to separate the truth from the speculation and rumors I read in your comments now and over the past month.
“Truth.” I pulled my knees up to my chest. “I met Canaan Jackson at Prairie View when he was my roommate’s boyfriend.
We didn’t like each other back then. Years later, we met again in Jamaica.
A surprise to me was the undeniable spark, and, as two adults, we acted on it.
Some of what we did was captured on camera unbeknownst to either one of us.
My camp leaked it without my permission or his, and Canaan’s rep was placed on the line.
He’d been training hard to be the best driver and had been recently asked to be on the Ferrari team midseason.
Canaan didn’t need yet another negative mark on his social record when the reality is that he’s a hard worker and as honest and genuine as they come, and deserves every opportunity afforded him.
“At the beginning of the year, I struggled with helping you find love and my own desire to prove I could be happy and single. How could I continue studying love and chop it up with you if I stopped believing in it? I’d been hurt a few years back and decided it wouldn’t happen again.
I became determined to prove that I didn’t need love while telling the world they needed it.
” I chuckled. “Such hypocrisy when I think about it, because we do need love. We all do. So, instead of being truthful with you about my singledom, I asked Canaan to pretend to be my man. We agreed to become engaged to save our careers and fell in love along the way.”
I clenched and unclenched my hands as my voice pushed through the knot in my throat.
“We’re no longer together because on the day of his race, he found out about my camp leaking the video.
Canaan was understandably devastated by what he perceived as my ‘treachery.’ He was distracted because he trusted me, and he almost lost his life as a result.
I wanted to set the record straight that Canaan is one of the most talented, warm, and brilliant men you’ll ever meet.
He works tirelessly at his craft and with the oil business he and his father own.
He will always have my support as he gets back in his groove and makes history. ”
Relief replaced any lingering nervousness, and my words flowed easily. “I hope you get behind Canaan Jackson too. You won’t regret it.
“For now, I’m taking a break from social media to finish my dissertation.
I need to figure out some serious shit, you know.
I’m sorry to anyone who may have been listening and who I may have hurt or misled.
Regardless of what you may think of me, I am proud of myself for coming clean today.
I took a risk on love, and although my risk didn’t pay off, I’m forever grateful for Canaan Jackson, who showed me never to be afraid to grind hard for your dreams and how to love.
And although I can and will be happily single, there’s nothing like the love of a man to hold you down through the ups and downs of this crazy life. ”
I signed off and stared at the ceiling, refusing to shed another tear about Canaan and our brief adventure. Only joy and hope moving forward.
When I returned to Houston the following day, I waited in front of J Oil, admittedly impressed by the state-of-the-art building tucked in the energy corridor off Interstate I-10.
I hurried to approach the formidable, well-dressed man who walked out of the building, each step full of vigor and purpose, so much like the man I loved with my very being.
Canaan’s father must have sensed my presence as he looked back over his shoulder as he unlocked his classic black Jaguar with his clicker.
“Mr. Jackson, may I have a moment?” I asked.
He turned around, trying to place my face. I could see Canaan in the crinkles at the corners of his eyes and his stature. “How can I help you?”
“I’m sure you don’t know me, but your son does.”
Mr. Jackson frowned, and then his face relaxed. “You’re his fiancée, correct? I saw you on the news.”
“We’re actually broken up now.”
Mr. Jackson’s frown returned. “I’m sorry to hear that. He seemed happy. Then again, my son can be impulsive and do whatever he wants, regardless of the consequences. Almost lost his life because of his impulsivity,” he muttered.
His complaints about his son to someone who was essentially a stranger grated on my nerves, and I understood why Canaan avoided his father.
I bit back my temper and kept my tone even.
“Your son deserves your unconditional love and unwavering support, sir. You raised a good man, and he’s doing things on that track that defy logic and reason, using everything he’s learned.
He’s going to make history one day, and you can’t even attend a race or offer one word of encouragement? ”
Mr. Jackson protested. “He doesn’t care whether I’m there. My opinion never mattered to him.”
I stepped closer. “Your opinion has always meant the world. Why do you think he has an engineering degree? After waking up at five and a long day of practice, he would meet with your staff virtually in Miami to brief them when they needed him. He wants to please you and still live his dream.”
He frowned and barked, “Why are you defending him? I thought you and he were broken up, and I’m sure it was his fault.”
“The fault is mine, and I’m trying to help.
I can’t be there for him anymore. And he really needs you.
He’s afraid to race, and we both know he doesn’t operate in fear.
” I held up my hand. “You might not care that he’s afraid because you never supported his dream.
Just consider this. He already has a mother who abandoned him.
Do you want him to feel that way about you? ”
Mr. Jackson lowered his stern gaze. “He won’t take my calls.”
“Because he doesn’t want to hear how he messed up or cost the company money.
He just needs his daddy.” I touched his forearm gently.
“I’m telling you that if you want your son to feel valued and wanted by you, then just be there for him and his dream.
” I walked away before I said something disrespectful or started bawling.
“Thank you for meeting me.” I stood up from the table at the Breakfast Klub when Emme approached. This was our favorite brunch spot when we were inseparable friends and roommates.
Emme placed her order number on the table and sat across from me. “Did you get waffles and chicken wings or the fish and grits?”
“I got the fish and cheesy grits so that I can have some of your wings.”
Emme grudgingly smiled. “Some things never changed. Still eating off my plate.”
“Like you’re not going to eat some of those grits. Plus, I got a biscuit.”
She patted her stomach. “I have a wedding in two months. I can’t eat like this.”
“I was hoping the wedding was still on.”
Emme twisted her lips.
“It’s okay. I don’t expect to be in the wedding anymore. Too much has happened.”
Emme sighed. “I think it’s past time we spoke.
I shouldn’t have ignored your calls back in February when you tried to tell me about Canaan.
I was shocked and hurt when that video surfaced.
Then you were in Florida announcing your engagement like the perfect couple.
” Her eyes watered. “I watched your confession the other day, and I get it. I really do.”
“I planned to tell you, and everything happened way too fast. Then you showed up in Miami. By then, Canaan and I had developed real feelings. I just wanted to apologize for hurting you.”
She shook her head. “I only hurt myself. Canaan was my Mr. Big. Elusive, charming, sexy, wealthy, and an asshole. I wanted him to love me like I loved him, and I pretended for the longest that all I cared about was the sex.”
“Do you still love him?” I held my breath, hoping Emme had forever closed that door. Matt really was a good match for her.
“Like an old memory. He was my first love, though I wasn’t his.
I used to cheat on him to get him to see me, and he would get back at me with other women.
Seeing your relationship blow up everywhere brought back unresolved feelings I thought I’d resolved.
I went to his apartment to get answers about why I was never the one for him.
He reminded me that I had a man who was the one for me. ”
“What about Matt? Do you really love him, or are you just settling?”
She smiled. “I do love him, and I’m not just settling. I got so trapped in the past that I forgot that I have a man who wants to be caught in the present.” She looked away and then back at me. “Just like Canaan wants to be caught by you.”
“I don’t know. Being without him hurts so much. Still, I don’t know if I’ll survive another round if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me again.”
“Trust me, I know how much it hurts. I jeopardized my future for a man who never really loved me. So, trust me, I know it hurts.” She studied her engagement ring for a long time before she spoke again.
“I doubt you and I can ever be friends again, at least not how we were. Still, I think you should know that Canaan loves you. He is different with you. When he came back up the elevator, I’d never seen him so lost and alone.
He’s never looked that way about me. Because I once loved him and want the best for both of you, work it out with him. ”
I shifted in my chair. “Do you mean that?”
The server placed our still-smoking plates on the table, and she forked a piece of waffle into her mouth. Once she finished chewing, she replied, “Oh, I’ll probably curse the two of you out as you jet set across the world together, but I do have a love of my own that I need to attend to.”
“Does Matt know you’ve struggled with letting go of Canaan?”
Emme nodded with a sad smile. “It’s how we got together in the first place.
We were both trying to move on from toxic relationships.
I guess we trauma-bonded as friends first, and then love bloomed.
Matt is right for me, and knowing what I know of you and Canaan, you’re right for each other.
” She gulped down her mimosa. “I need another drink. You know, being selfless is a challenge for me.”
I laughed as I sipped my juice. “Good thing you have such other amazing traits.”
And two old friends ended brunch reminiscing about their college days before Canaan Jackson disrupted their world.