Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
AVELINA
My hand clamps over my mouth as my lips quiver. My torso is on fire, my ribs throbbing as I lean against the lockers in the far corner, hidden away.
Tears blur my vision, and I choke back another sob from the pain, my fingers quivering against the cool metal as I try to pull myself together.
No one can see me. No one knows I’m in here yet. But they will if I’m not careful.
I suck down another gulp of air, trying to fight past the burn that each breath gives me.
It’s fine. It’s going to be fine. I just need to get myself together. And I can rewrap my ribs a little tighter, and then I’ll be able to run through my routine again—and I have to get it perfect this time.
Another shuddering breath leaves me as I try to gulp down enough air.
My hand shakes against my face as I swipe away the tears that escape.
Laughter echoes from beyond the door, and I know someone is on their way in here.
I stand up straighter, earning me another searing white-hot flash in my ribs.
More tears gather in my eyes, and I spin to face away from the people entering the locker room, hoping that it’ll buy me enough time to hide the fact that I’ve been crying.
If they find out.
If they know…
My eyes squeeze shut as I try not to let out a soft sob once more. Inhaling through my teeth, I push the air out slowly in a hiss, over and over again.
I hear a locker open and close. I peek around the corner before darting toward the bathroom.
In there, the water is cool against my skin as I splash it against my face and puffy eyes. My shoulders sag as I grip the edge of the sink and stare at my reflection. I can do this. I have to.
The slam of a metal door outside in the locker room makes me jump. I know it’s only a matter of time until they come back here. And if they see I’ve been crying... I shake my head and tell myself not to think about that possibility.
Because I’ll get in even more trouble if they find out I’ve been crying. They’ll call me weak and a failure. And then punish me more, telling me it’s for my own good because it’ll ‘toughen me up.’
The thought of more of their punishments, especially the ones from Gennady, makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. Panic and fear make my heart race in my chest as I continue to look at myself. I try to make myself presentable and hide that I’ve been crying.
But before I can fully compose myself, a rough hand grabs my shoulder.
I jolt as panic races through me.
And a scream rips from me…
“Avelina.”
A gruff voice hits my ears. I don’t think it’s one of the coaches. But it’s familiar. Another scream pulls from me as I flinch beneath the large hand that’s only ever dished out pain to me.
“Avelina!”
Viktor’s sharp voice cuts through the haze of my nightmare. I startle awake, gasping and choking as I try to breathe. My heart thunders against my ribs, and I can’t quite get a big enough breath to keep the lightheadedness away.
“You’re okay,” he murmurs, crouching beside the bed. The sheet is tangled around my legs, and I focus on the ceiling fan spinning softly above me, using it to try and ground myself. But it doesn’t help the anxiety that’s practically strangling me.
“You’re okay, Avelina.”
His soft voice catches me off guard a little, but it’s only a small distraction from the way panic claws at me. My breathing is still too fast, too frantic.
“Breathe with me.”
I swallow and nod, unable to find my voice.
He takes a deep breath, and I follow. Then out. Then in. Then out… Until my chest loosens, and I can breathe alone in a calm rhythm. I drag a hand down my face before pushing back the hair that’s stuck to my temples. “Thanks…”
Viktor nods, but his eyes stare as they search mine like he’s looking for something. “Anytime.”
I muster a weak smile, scooting up to sit against the pillows, pulling my knees to my chest as we fall into silence. “I’m sorry if I woke you up,” I murmur.
“It’s okay.” He looks exhausted, so I know it’s really not fine.
“What—” He starts to speak, then tilts his head slightly, as if trying to figure out if he should ask the question or not. A huff of air leaves him. “What was the dream about?”
“Oh, just…some nightmare. I must’ve gotten too hot,” I say quickly, brushing the question away.
The fewer people who know what really plagues me, the better.
After getting to know me, people expect me to be a ray of sunshine in their lives, and I want to be that so desperately that it’s simply easier to keep it up—even when that’s not what I’m feeling inside.
Viktor eyes me carefully. “I can turn the AC up?”
“No, I’m okay now.”
“Okay.” He starts to walk away, and I let out the breath of air I’ve been holding.
He doesn’t push to know more. He doesn’t needle me to explain why I’m screaming in the middle of the night.
He just asked if I need the AC on, and that’s it.
And I’m thankful for that. “I’ll be outside the room if you need anything. ”
I nod.
He pauses at the door, turning slightly back to face me.
“I’ll make sure nothing bad ever happens to you or the children.
” His voice is quiet yet determined. And the way he says my name and rolls the sounds…
it’s comforting and yet arousing at the same time.
I don’t know what to make of him or my feelings, especially after what happened with the attack on the compound, so I say nothing.
The door finally clicks shut, and I sag against the headboard.
I stare at the door for a moment longer before sinking back beneath the covers.
Staring up at the ceiling and the fan, my thoughts are a jumble of things, and I know sleep is a thing of the past.
I’ll make sure nothing bad ever happens to you or the children.
What does he mean? I want to ask him, but it’s too late now. Anyway, I know it’s just something people say sometimes. How can he protect us forever if we’re leaving soon? Because he won’t always be around then…
My brow crinkles a little at the way that thought makes my heart squeeze—and the way that disappointment, strong and in full force, smacks into me.