Chapter 51
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
AVELINA
The sky is still dark when I wake up, my heart pounding. The sheets are damp beneath me, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m hot or if it’s the lingering feeling of fear crawling up my spine.
For just a moment, I stare at the ceiling, listening to the silence, expecting to hear the soft breaths of Viktor beside me. But I don’t.
Viktor’s not in bed.
I sit up slowly. My hand brushes over the inside of my elbow, the seatbelt burn still tender.
The SUV screeching to a halt. The sound of gunfire.
The memory hits me like a punch. Yesterday wasn’t just a brush with danger.
It could have meant death for me. It could have meant Sofia and Leon left alone without a mom.
Or Sofia and Leon could have been with me in that car. Bile burns my throat at the thought.
My legs feel weak when I stand, but I force them to move. In the bathroom, I splash cold water onto my face. And then I catch my whole reflection.
There’s something in my eyes that wasn’t there a few days ago.
I stared death in the face yesterday.
And it broke something in me.
By the time I make it downstairs, Viktor is in the den, the phone pressed to his ear. He looks tired. When he sees me, his entire posture changes. He hangs up without a word and comes toward me.
I step back.
Only slightly, but it’s enough. His hand pauses mid-reach. “Are you okay?” he asks, voice low and cautious.
I shake my head. “No. Not really.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I do. But what do I even say? Would he understand that this life isn’t what I want? That it’s too much like the danger I had when I was with Geliy—too much like what I ran from? “Viktor, I think I need to leave.” The words scrape my raw throat.
And the silence that follows is even worse.
His eyes search mine. “For how long?”
That’s the real kicker. I shift slightly. “I don’t know. Maybe forever.”
I hear my voice crack on the last word, and I hate it.
Hate how much I have to mean this. He’s everything I thought I wanted.
Thought I needed. And yet, being here is too unsafe.
And I can’t just think about myself no matter how much I want to.
I’m responsible for two kids, and I would never put them in unnecessary danger.
I was so damn stupid not to realize it before—to think that things could be different with Viktor.
But the life he leads is just as dangerous as what Geliy was involved in, and whatever Viktor does and no matter how many security measures he puts in place or how many soldiers he has, he can never truly keep me from that danger.
“Avelina,” he says, and there’s something in the way he says my name.
“I thought it would be okay. Being in this world again. But yesterday, I…thought I was going to die, Viktor. I thought I was going to leave my children without a mom so close after losing their father.”
He moves toward me again, slower this time. “But you didn’t die.”
“I could have,” I croak. “And I keep thinking what if next time I’m not so lucky?”
He doesn’t have an answer.
“I thought I could handle it with you when I couldn’t with Geliy.”
I thought it’d be different because of the love I feel for Viktor. But loving him doesn’t make this easier. It just makes it hurt more. These thoughts choke me with tears.
He closes his eyes for a long beat, like he’s bracing himself. And when he opens them, they’re different. Steadier and calmer.
“Viktor, I thought maybe…maybe you’d come with us?” My voice is barely more than a whisper, but I feel the weight in the air as if I’d shouted it. I don’t want to leave him. Just this dangerous life he’s in.
Viktor’s expression contorts. “I can’t,” he says. Not cold. Not judgmental. Just honest.
My eyes close. “I know,” I whisper.
And that’s the worst part of this all. I knew before I asked. I knew he wouldn’t leave his family here. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel like he’s picking them over what we could have had together.
We stand there for what feels like a long time, the unspoken words just filling the room between us. I want to plead with him to come with me. But none of the words will come out. They stick like thorns in my throat.
“I should try to pack some stuff before I wake the kids up.”
He nods once, jaw clenched tight. “Yeah, of course…”
I walk away quickly. Because I know if I stay close to him, I’ll go to pieces.
And with each step I take away from him, I feel like a failure.
Before I get too far away from him, I hear him speak again. “I’ll always protect you, Avelina. Even from far away. That’s a promise.”
I close my eyes as the sting of tears hits me hard. “I know,” I whisper.
I spend the next couple of hours packing up our things in silence. A while later, Sofia yawns in the hallway, rubbing at her eyes, her hair a messy halo of disheveled pigtails. “Are we going on a trip?” she asks.
I plaster on a sunny smile even though my vision blurs a bit with tears. “We’re going back to our apartment.”
“For how long? Is everyone coming? Can we bring Queenie?”
“No, baby, we can’t. She has to stay here with Viktor.”
She studies my face, but she doesn’t ask me why. Then she walks to her room, and I hear the scuffle of her putting things into the backpack Viktor bought her.
I go to the door and watch her. As she gathers her things, Queenie snuggles into her side, as if sensing something is happening. I can’t help the pang in my chest. I want to believe I’m doing the right thing here. But a part of me in the back of my head wonders if running away is solving anything.
That pit in my stomach grows.
But something has to change. I can’t live with this sort of danger hanging over us, especially not over my children.
One of the men collected my car for me from the shop. I shove the last of our things into the back after a few rounds of luggage Tetris to make it all fit. The kids are in the car too. My gaze flickers to the window of the second floor. It’s Viktor’s room.
He doesn’t come to see us off. But in my pocket is the note he left on the nightstand when I made one of my trips to put our luggage in the car. ‘If you need me, I’ll come. No questions. No hesitation.’
I know he means it. And it takes everything to hold back my tears.
“Will he miss us?” Sofia murmurs from the back seat as I get in behind the wheel.
“Yeah, baby… I bet he already does.”
I start the ignition and drive away.
And I don’t look back.
Because if I do, I won’t leave.
But I have to.