Chapter 52
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
VIKTOR
Our coordinated hits took out the main members of the Albanian mob, neutralizing that threat for now, but none of that gives me any real satisfaction.
The bed is cold without Avelina—since she left five days ago.
Was it always this cold before?
After I wake, I sit on the edge of it, elbows braced to my knees, head in my hands. It’s not just the absence of her warmth that makes my chest feel like it’s being crushed. I’m missing everything about her. The echo of her laugh. Her voice in the kitchen at breakfast. The smell of her shampoo.
She’s really fucking gone.
The silence in the house feels wrong. Too still in the way that reminds me I was always alone before her. And now, I’m alone again.
I should have gone with her.
But I didn’t. Couldn’t. My mind still spirals in circles every time I try to picture it. Leaving the compound. Leaving the men and my brothers. Leaving the routines I’ve built here over the years. My structure. My systems. My rules. They work. And without them, things fall apart. I fall apart.
But Avelina… She was a wildcard. A glorious, devastating disruption to everything I thought I needed to survive.
Because what does survival matter without the people you love?
I should have fucking said it.
I hinted at it before. But I never said it outright to her in unambiguous terms. In a way that would leave her with no doubts about my feelings.
Just once.
I love you.
And I still don’t know why I didn’t.
A while later, I sit in the kitchen, my fingers curled around a mug of black coffee I haven’t touched.
Even here, her scent lingers. And there’s that tightness in my chest again.
The one where I can’t breathe and everything feels unanchored.
This place—the compound, the men, my routines—used to keep me tethered. But now it’s all gone to shit.
My eyes flicker to the table. I can almost picture the three of them there. Leon’s tiny fingers grabbing at the cereal. Sofia asking her usual array of questions. Avelina’s sunshine smile as she catches my eye.
A heavy tread of boots hits my ears. Grigory doesn’t bother with pleasantries. He strides into the kitchen and eyes me as he walks to the counter, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “You gonna talk about it?” he asks.
I grunt. “No.”
“Too bad. I’m not letting you sit here brooding like some cursed Victorian ghost haunting my goddamn compound.” He leans back against the counter. “You look like shit.”
“I feel worse.”
“Because you’re too busy doing the math in your head. The calculations. That scoring about love or whatever shit you asked me about that time. You’re overthinking this and got stuck in some loop, Vik.”
I don’t deny it. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
“I didn’t think it’d be like this. I thought if I let her go…it’d be the right thing to do. She wants peace. Safety. I can’t give her that.”
Grigory studies me for a long second. “Maybe. Or maybe you were scared. Not of the risk, but of what it meant to choose her over everything.”
That hits a little closer to home than I’d like. “I can’t have both, Grigory,” I say through gritted teeth. “I can’t have her and be this.”
“Look, you can’t rewire your brain, Vik. You need structure. You need these systems you built brick-by-brick over the years, I get that. But don’t confuse needing support with needing to isolate yourself.”
My throat tightens as he walks away silently, leaving me alone again.
I go to the office to work. But all I do is stare at the spreadsheets she made pretty. The bright colors bothered me before. Now? They don’t.
I remember the way her shoulders trembled when she told me she needed to leave. But I keep telling myself that it’s safer this way. That it’s better this way.
But I can’t stop my thoughts from racing. About her. About how her voice cracked when she asked me to go with her.
And how I said no.
That replays like a damn fucking horror movie.
I wanted to say yes. But I couldn’t do it. I still can’t imagine stepping away from this life I’ve built. From the structure and routines that keep my brain from splintering apart.
Without those things, I’d fall apart.
Or so I thought.
But maybe…I was just afraid. Afraid of not being enough.
Later, I should be working in the office. But I need air. I walk the compound aimlessly, though my steps lead me to the garage. The keys to my SUV hang by the door.
I don’t think.
I just move. I quickly get what I need, put it in the SUV, and drive.
I put a GPS tracker on her car when she was at risk from Gennady—and it’s still there. The dot blinks on my phone on the dashboard. It’s parked at their apartment.
I keep driving, and my heart lodges in my throat when I pull into the parking lot.
I spot Sofia first, sitting next to the empty stroller in the apartment block’s small front yard. Her shoulders are hunched and eyes a little puffy. Avelina is holding Leon as he reaches out to grab a leaf from a bush.
My gaze moves down to the passenger seat beside me. To whom I’ve brought with me. Queenie lifts her head lazily, then meows.
“Me too,” I whisper.
I step out slowly, crossing the lot before I can talk myself out of this.
Leon squeals as he sees me.
“Queenie!” Sofia gasps as she lifts her head and spots me.
She’s running to me before I even kneel to the ground.
I crouch and slowly pass her the cat.
Queenie lets out a contended purr and adjusts herself in Sofia’s arms. Just like she was never gone to start with.
My throat burns. “She seemed like she was missing you,” I say softly.
Sofia nods fiercely, a tear slipping down her small face. “I missed her too.”
I gather my thoughts before I speak again as I remain on the ground next to her.
“Even with people around you, I know it’s hard to connect with them a lot of the time.
Queenie helped me once. When I thought I couldn’t cope with things…
Maybe she’ll help you too.” I get the feeling that Queenie is what this little girl needs.
Queenie taught me how to connect with others—and I want Sofia to be able to learn that too.
“Viktor, are you…still my bestie?” Sofia asks in a small voice.
I gulp down the emotion lodged in my throat. “Of course. Always,” I murmur.
“Best friends forever,” she replies.
I think about it for a few moments. “Best friends furever,” I say, earning a small giggle from her.
And after some hesitation, she takes a small step forward and rubs her nose against mine. Swiftly and softly. “Good. You’re still my bestie,” she whispers with a wobbly smile. “And you’re the one I want to give nose boops to.”
I know how hard it is for her to touch and be touched, and the fact that she’s doing this lights up my heart with lots of love and gallons of grief all rolled into one.
I stand slowly.
And that’s when Avelina’s gaze locks with mine.
At that moment, everything else falls away.
She walks toward me. “Viktor,” she says.
Just hearing her say my name is enough to make my heart race like a hurricane. “I’m not here to change your mind,” I say in a rush.
Her eyes soften, but her posture stays firm and guarded as she nods.
The tightness in my chest twists. “I just don’t want Sofia to feel the way I did growing up. Alone. Like I was…broken.”
Avelina swallows hard, and her eyes shimmer. “Thank you.”
I nod.
“You didn’t have to do this, Viktor…”
I step back. “I know.”
There’s so much I want to say.
But I can’t.
It just doesn’t come out.
She looks at me like she sees every truth I don’t know how to say. “Take care, Viktor,” she whispers.
And I can tell her heart is splintering as much as mine. I want to beg her to come back. To tell her that somehow, it can just be different.
But that’s a lie.
So, I don’t say the words.
She watches as I walk back to my SUV, climb into the driver’s seat, and pull away. I hit the accelerator, dust rising behind me.
And she keeps watching until I can no longer see her.
My hands clench around the steering wheel. And I try to empty my mind. But all I can do is wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling like I’ve lost the only person that made my world bearable— and she did it all without even trying.
After wasting the rest of the morning, unable to settle to anything, I head to the gym. The punching bag hangs from the ceiling. I square my shoulders, tighten my wraps, and drive my fist into it.
Once.
Twice.
Again. Over and over.
The sound echoes off the cold walls. But it doesn’t quiet the storm in my head.
Everything is too loud. The buzzing of the lights. The fucking hum of the AC. Each sound needles beneath my skin. My system’s fried. My routines are off.
She’s gone.
And it’s like every single part of me is rejecting the very fact.
I hit the bag again. Harder this time. My knuckles scream.
“You trying to break that thing?” one of the younger soldiers calls out. I don’t answer.
Another one beside him snickers. “He’s just mad. He misses his pussy.”
“You talking about Avelina or the cat?” the second one asks with a chuckle. “Tricky Vicky’s probably curled up on some pillow right now while he’s out here punching air like a lunatic.” More laughter.
My muscles tense as a mist of red swarms across my vision.
The first one looks over at me. “What’s the matter, boss? You missing the pussy that much? We can find you another. Can’t be easy from having that sweet little thing wrapped around you to nothing at night.”
My body goes rigid as I realize he’s now talking about Avelina.
And something in me snaps.
In a blur, I sprint across the room.
My hand slams into the guy’s chest, shoving him hard into the wall.
Plaster cracks.