Chapter 24
24
KATE
I ’ve seen pictures of the northern lights, how they light the sky with an indescribable wave of shimmering blue and green that take your breath away. That’s the feeling that cascades over me when Mickey reacts to my pregnancy with acceptance and love. Relief doesn’t begin to cover it. It’s a sense of rightness, being made whole and cherished that is the closest thing to real holiness I’ve experienced so far.
Nothing has prepared me for this. Because it’s pure joy and hope for the future and everything that has been missing in my life. I’ve been lonely and fearful, zipping wearily from one panic to the next.
He brings me to his house, consoling me when I’m so nervous I shake all over. He listens to me and instead of judging and being angry or trying to control everything, Mickey says he wants to be the one I can count on. He thinks about his actions and how he can be better for me, for us. I’m awestruck. At once I want to announce to everyone in the world that this is how a man should be, strong and considerate and loving—but part of me wants to keep it a secret for just us two. To keep the sacred privacy of our togetherness so no one can try to ruin it.
From the outside it would look like I went after my rich boss or that he seduced a much younger employee. His best friend’s fifteen-years-younger sister, in fact. None of that even touches the reality of what we share. I’m old enough to know exactly what I want and so is Mickey. He’s led his family business to greater prosperity and security while bearing that burden all alone with no one close to him.
I spent years out in California in a city that never felt like home, trying to find myself or prove myself when I had no one to prove it to. And Rory, my distant older brother who in many ways is a lot closer to Mickey than he ever has been to me, lives his life on the edge, a top lieutenant in an illegal crime syndicate who bounces from one hot, temporary girlfriend to the next without much of a plan for the future.
I was sure I’d be happy once I achieved success in LA. I’d have money, a professional network who respected me, and I’d meet the right people and have real friends. Mickey was sure he’d never be happy, that his duty was to expand and sustain the business and the charitable fund and let that be his only legacy. None of us knew what was coming for us.
Now I know. And if I had any reason to expect such wonderful good luck, such a man who would truly see me and love me, I would never have spent so many years spinning my wheels over the next degree or the next internship. I could’ve come home to Boston and done things right. Although who’s to say this wasn’t the right way, the only way all this happiness would come to pass?
Pregnancy makes me a philosopher, that’s what Mickey says. I say it’s just the carb cravings talking. His acceptance, the way he welcomed me and our baby into his life so fully swept away my sadness and confusion. When I wake up in the morning, beside the man I love, I can’t believe my good luck. I rest my hand on the curve of my belly and smile inwardly, radiating love and joy all the way down to my toes.
The first and most crucial thing Mickey assures me of is that he’s increased security measures drastically. He has personal protective officers now, a combination of his own men and elite private contractors who are expert bodyguards of the type hired by oil executives and foreign diplomats. Their job is both to vigilantly keep him out of volatile or vulnerable situations and to be discreet.
No one should notice them unless they’re needed. When I meet the team of protection pros that he hires to look out for me, I’m stunned at how many there are. I get to know them and value their watchfulness and skills. It only takes me a week or so to get used to having them around. To be honest, it’s reassuring because, natural process or not, pregnancy really makes you feel vulnerable.
Once Mick knows about the baby, there’s no stopping him. He has me moved into his house inside of twenty-four hours. We don’t waste any time. If I’m not working on my prep course or in my office, I’m in his arms. I’m not sure if he even lets me out of his sight more than a few minutes for the first couple weeks. He’s the one holding my hand when I have my first ultrasound, and the softness in his eyes when we hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time is something I’ll never forget.
Benny comes back to work part time the next week. When Mick offers me the head forensics accountant position and says Ragucci would stay on and train me and help me out, I tell him thanks but no thanks. I loved the job, and loved being with Mickey, but I want to concentrate on my CPA and work in the legitimate sector.
When the baby’s older, I want to open my own firm. That doesn’t mean I don’t hang out in the crow’s nest a couple nights a week, with my feet propped up on the comfy couch where we first came together. Only now I’m looking through vision boards the decorator sent me so I can pick fabrics for the nursery. My plan for a yellow and white nursery eventually beat out Mickey’s preference for a Red Sox theme.
Once Ragucci’s back to working full time, I spend all my time studying for my CPA and getting things ready for the baby. That means a lot of pregnancy yoga classes and afternoon naps. It also means that Mickey hired a personal chef to meal prep and stock our fridge for me so I have a choice of fresh, healthy meals and snacks at the ready anytime.
“What are you doing?” I ask him mischievously when I walk into the kitchen and find him standing with the refrigerator door open and a fork in his hand.
“Who knew that grain bowls were good?” he says. “Don’t worry, you got another one in here. I was curious.”
“Grab it for me, we’ll snack together,” I say, fighting back a giggle. “I mean, we can both enjoy my pregnancy food.”
“We could always turn on Karate Kid, start the baby early,” he offers.
“You know, I read that by this time in the pregnancy, the baby can hear our voices and classical music can make them smarter. Maybe they can get Jackie Chan flicks in the womb,” I tease.
“Might as well start them off right. Let this baby get a taste for the classics.”
We’re about to sit down to a movie when the doorbell rings. Our eyes meet. With the dialed-up security no one who isn’t a trusted friend would have made it this close to the house so I bring up the front door camera on my phone. My brother stands there, jaw set and looking every bit as aggravated as he’s been the last few weeks since I moved in with Mickey.
“Are you up for this?” Mick asks me.
“Let’s get it over with,” I say with resignation.
“If he upsets you at all, I’m throwing his ass out, old friends or not.”
“I’m good,” I tell him.
Mickey answers the door. Rory clocks me on the couch, remote in hand. He glances at the TV.
“What are you watching? Pierce Brosnan? He was the best fuckin’ James Bond and then he went and made that stupid singing movie,” he says.
“This is what you came to talk about?” Mickey says, taking his place beside me on the couch. He’s making it clear with his closeness that he and I are in this together, and we’re a team. I’m grateful for it and squeeze his hand.
“I want to see how my sister’s settling in,” he counters.
“You got a phone,” I point out. “You can call.”
“I wanna see with my own eyes. You okay?”
“Yes,” I say. I want to say something sarcastic about how I’m obviously being held hostage and it’s nice of him to finally come looking for me—I’m that hurt by his behavior. Instead, I take a breath and ground myself in the fact that I am safe and loved, that Mick is with me and our baby is healthy. “Are you trying to say you missed me? Because it sounds like you’re making sure we’re not both so stupid that I took a bath with the hair dryer or something.”
“I’ve never thought you were stupid,” he says grudgingly. “You’re the smart one.”
“Always have been,” I say.
He sits down in a chair and kind of sags for a second.
“What’s going on Rory?”
He sighs before answering. “You and Mickey, you’re my family. If I stay pissed at you, I’m on my own.” He says this like it’s a huge revelation.
Taking a page out of Mickey’s playbook, I sit and wait and listen. Eventually it works.
“I guess what I’m sayin’ is I miss you and if you’re okay and everything’s on the up-and-up then I can try and get over how fuckin’ weird this is.”
“You’re… sorry,” Mickey supplies.
“Yeah, that too,” he says and then shrugs his shoulders like he’s shaking off a huge burden. “Wow, that was tough. I don’t go in for these big emotional scenes.”
I can’t help myself. I bark out a laugh and then clap a hand over my mouth. “Sorry,” I say. “I missed you too. But that was not an emotional scene. It was more like trying to pry words out of you at gunpoint.”
“What’s the difference?” he grumps at me like I’m taking the sweetness out of his hard-won triumph.
“Uh, emotional maturity probably,” I say.
Mickey squeezes my hand. I glance at him and he gives a slight shake of his head. He’s telling me that maybe I should let this go and quit being a hard-ass to my own brother who’s trying to choke out an apology for the first time in his life.
“Look, I was an only child. I don’t know how long brothers and sisters bitch at each other like this, so I’m gonna try to translate. Rory, you know you acted like a jerk and you want to smooth it over, right?” he nods grudgingly. “And Katie, you love your brother and you been sad about being in a fight with him, right?”
“Yes,” I say.
“For my part, Rory, you’re like a brother to me since we were kids. I don’t wanna be crossways with you if I can help it. So you gotta know that I love Katie more than anything, or I wouldn’t have done something off-limits like get involved with somebody that works for me and is also your little sister. But that’s not all she is. She’s remarkable and smart and brave. And we got something to tell you if we can get past this mess.”
“Okay, I’ll get over it,” he says. “How ‘bout you?”
“I love you and I want you in my life. It made me sick that you thought I did something to hurt you when I got with Mickey. I know you want what’s best for me, and you worry about me being safe around the business. But we grew up that way, and it’s gonna be fine,” I tell him. “Trust me. Trust both of us, okay?’
Rory comes over to the couch and kisses the top of my head. Then he sits down on the couch with us. “Whaddaya got to tell me now? Are you getting’ married already?”
I blink fast, thrown by that half-sarcastic suggestion. I don’t even look at either of them. A slow breath to steady myself and then I just brazen it out.
“We’re having a baby,” I say.
“Baby.” Rory says the word like he doesn’t know what it means. The dumbfounded look on his face is not exactly the joy I’d hoped for at becoming an uncle, but there’s nothing for it.
“That’s right. There’s a baby Donahue O’Halloran on the way,” Mickey says.
“Please tell me you’re not naming it that,” he says wryly. Then he grins at me. I didn’t see that coming, the smile on my brother’s face.
“We haven’t picked out a name yet,” I say. “We don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet.”
“Well at least you’re not stuck on naming it Donahue either way,” he says. “I can’t believe it. My little sister’s having a baby.”
I look over at Mickey and smile, trying not to get teary-eyed. “I guess I have to learn not to underestimate the men in my life,” I say in what I hope is a lighthearted tone.
“Yeah, we’re not half bad, are we, Rory?” Mickey says fondly, never taking his eyes off me. “She thought you were gonna hit the roof over this.”
“I’m sorry you felt that way Katie. I’ve been a really shitty big brother, haven’t I? I promise to do better from now on.”
I hug my brother, so relieved he’s on board with my new little family. I could go ahead and be happy building this life even with his disapproval, but I’m happy I don’t have to.
“Rory’s a cute name. It can work for a boy or a girl. I mean, I think it’s a manly Irish name, but that kid on Gilmore Girls was named Rory,” he says.
“Oh my God, I forgot you used to watch that with Mom when I was little!” I laugh. “How did I not remember my big tough brother fussing over how she belonged with Jess and not Lincoln.”
“Logan. That piece of shit’s name was Logan,” Rory grumbles and we all laugh. I relax against Mick’s shoulder and we talk and laugh like things will work out for all of us.
After Rory goes home, I’m pretty tired. I go to the kitchen for a glass of water and run into Mickey coming down the stairs. “I think I’m gonna shower and go to sleep early,” I tell him.
“Can you make it another fifteen minutes?” he asks.
“Sure, why?”
“Come up to the roof with me,” he says. There’s excitement in his eyes that I used to think were so cold. The smolder there is unmistakable, and even as tired as I am, I feel eager to go to our special place. I take his hand and let him lead me up the steps to the rooftop deck.