Chapter Fourteen
I don’t think twice before hightailing it out of there. If Mrs.Byron calls the Guard and reports me, I’ll spend the rest of my days in prison. Or worse, get killed for it.
Without paying attention to the fallen desk lamp or the shattered light bulb, I run. Only a few steps separate me from the exit, and the farther I get from the angry man, the less dizzy I feel.
No one follows me. But even as I stand in the street, I don’t dare breathe a sigh of relief. There are so many people out here. People going from shop to shop. women pushing strollers around, men getting fresh air on their lunch break or jogging through the park across the street. If just one of them sins, I will taste it. And I will unleash a new wave of anger or lust or envy—or whatever it might be.
The limo’s driver door opens. Rey gets out and gives me a look. I told you, it seems to say. She holds the back door open for me.
“Get in, Miss Ashton! I’ll take you to him. He’s waiting for you.”
I don’t want to go with her, but what choice do I have? Caden’s the only one who can perhaps help me control my powers. And they need to be controlled, there’s no doubt about that. Not anymore. I’m still reeling from the commotion in the library. If I don’t do something about my powers, I’m going to kill somebody.
“Don’t look so pained,” Rey says as I step up beside her and sigh. “Caden sure knew what he was doing when he asked me to babysit you.”
I should have known she wouldn’t do anything without Caden’s say-so. I guess the only reason I was able to leave his mansion yesterday was because he allowed it.
I climb into the back seat without saying another word. I hardly notice the drive through the streets of Virtue. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my life is in ruins. I can never show my face in the library again. My foster mother can never know what I really am, and Ava… I don’t know how she’ll react if I ever tell her. But me being at our apartment puts her in danger.
“We’re here.”
Rey’s voice snaps me out of my gloomy thoughts. We’ve stopped outside Caden’s mansion. It feels like only seconds have passed since I left; the shock of what he revealed to me is still fresh.
Caden is already leaning in the frame of the front door when I get out. Maybe he saw the car approaching from a distance. Maybe he just figured I’d come crawling back to him. After all, I rely on his help. Without it, I’ll never get a grasp of my powers. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Every step feels heavy. I fight back tears again.
“It’s going to be okay,” Caden says, a gentleness in his voice that calms me.
He takes a step aside so I can enter, and I walk past him without looking at him, stopping in the hallway, unsure of what to do now.
“Do you want some tea?”
“I think I need something stronger.”
Caden huffs in amusement at my words but goes into the kitchen and comes back a second later with two glasses and a bottle.
“Let’s go into the living room,” he suggests.
I follow him and sit down on the sofa, watching him fill the glasses with the brown liquid. He hands me one of them. I sniff at it, suspicious.
“What is this? Whiskey?”
The smell is familiar. One time, Ava let me smell an old bottle she got from her late father and guards with her life.
“You don’t have to drink it,” Caden says instead of answering my question.
Yes, I do.
I down the drink, the alcohol burning in my throat and making me cough. I thought the tequila tasted disgusting, but this stuff is in a class of its own.
Caden laughs.
“You don’t waste any time, do you?”
I guess I don’t.
I had hoped that the alcohol would calm me down and make me a little indifferent, but so far, nothing feels different.
“Pour me another one!” I demand.
Instead, Caden takes the glass from me and sets it aside.
“You’re not in control of your powers, are you?” he asks gently. “You feed on others without meaning to. That’s why you’re here.”
I bite my lip. Hearing it said out loud makes it even scarier.
Caden correctly interprets my horrified expression. Reassuringly, he places a hand on my forearm and squeezes it.
“You will learn to control them. I can show you how to do it. But in order for it to work you need to be clear-headed.”
“Why can’t I control it?”
My voice sounds pitiful. I am pitiful. Angry at myself, I ball my hand into a fist.
Caden sits down next to me on the sofa, and we’re just far enough apart that our knees don’t touch. Still, I feel his closeness and the resulting tension.
“A sin mage’s powers awaken when they first come into contact with sin. For most of us, that happens at a young age. In the beginning, our powers aren’t very strong. They develop over time, and we slowly learn to apply them. My father taught me how to do it. But you were kept away from all that. And now that your powers have manifested, they’re as strong as a full-fledged sin mage’s. That makes it difficult, but not impossible, for you to control them.”
“I’m a monster.”
I probably shouldn’t say things like that around Caden. If I’m a monster, so is he. But it’s how I feel. Like I’ve been torn apart and put back together again. And like the only parts left are ugly and despicable.
Caden leans toward me.
“All I see is a girl who is not yet aware of her own strength,” he whispers.
His breath grazes my skin. For a fraction of a second, his lips touch my temple before he pulls away. I feel a spark of desire igniting in me, the need for more. I don’t know if it’s mine or his.
Damn it, Kaya!
I sit bolt upright and shake my head. Whatever it is I’m feeling right now, I can’t give into it.
“What do I need to do?” I ask.
That’s why I’m here, after all, to get a handle on my powers. I’m not here for anything else. If I learn to master them, maybe I can still live a normal life, and that’s what I want.
Caden inhales and exhales deeply, as if he’s struggling for composure as much as I am.
“Close your eyes.”
Even though it’s difficult, I do as he says. Without my sight, I feel like I’m at the mercy of Caden. And of me. Of that gift that controls me when it should be the other way around.
“Now relax, take a deep breath in, and then let it out slowly.”
What is this, a yoga class? I can hardly believe that this will teach me to control my powers. I peek over at Caden, but he has his eyes closed, a concentrated expression on his face.
“You need to find the threads,” he instructs me.
Find the threads? What threads?
I frown, unable to do anything with Caden’s cryptic instruction. Panic spreads through me. What if I lack some innate ability to control my gift? What if I’m helpless against it forever?
“The threads emanate from the people around you and connect them to the things they desire,” Caden explains in a calm voice. “You can tell someone’s a sinner by the way their threads are stretched tight. If you feed on them unchecked, you increase the pull on those threads. Worst case scenario, they snap. When that happens, the sinner loses control of their body.”
I witnessed that today in the library. I hope the man I was feeding on is okay. The idea that I unconsciously pulled his threads as if he were a puppet on strings is horrible.
I search in the darkness behind my eyelids for anything resembling what Caden’s describing. Trying to imagine what those threads might look like, what it might feel like to hold them. But it’s no use.
“There’s nothing there.”
“Just focus on me.”
“I am!”
I don’t know what Caden thinks is going to happen. After all, I’ve closed my eyes countless times without detecting any strange threads. Why would it be any different now?
“You’re not even trying,” he accuses me.
“Excuse me? What, you think I’m sitting here on your sofa with my eyes closed because I find it particularly comfortable?” I spit at him. “Or because I like being around you so much?”
All of a sudden Caden’s hand is on the back of my neck and he pulls me toward him.
Alarmed, I start to open my eyes, but he growls, “Keep them closed!”
And then I see it. A thin, red thread stretching between Caden and me. Even though I keep my eyes closed, I can see everything clearly. My half-opened lips. His thundercloud gaze lingering on them.
He wants me, and now that we’re so close, he can barely restrain himself. I can taste his desire. Sweet and dark and burning. I want more of it.
Much more.
“You can hold the thread, but you can’t pull on it,” Caden says.
His breathing is heavy. The grip on my neck tightens. His fingers are warm and a little sweaty.
I try to follow Caden’s instruction, but I don’t know how. I’m not even aware that I’m holding the thread, let alone pulling on it.
“For heaven's sake, Kaya! Concentrate.”
Caden’s forehead touches mine.
He’s losing control. I’m making him lose control. I have never felt so powerful and so scared at the same time.
“You have to stop doing that,” Caden mumbles, concern creeping into his voice.
“I don’t know how.”
And I don’t even know if I really want to. It feels good. So good. I feel more alive than I ever have in my life.
“Kaya, stop!”
Suddenly, my hands are on his chest. Under the fabric of his shirt I can feel his muscles, hard and defined. But it’s not enough for me. I want to feel his warm, bare skin. My fingers go to the buttons of his shirt.
“Let go. Let go of the thread!”
Caden’s voice seems infinitely distant. Like that time with Ava, dots dance before my eyes, but this time they are not black but red.
And all of a sudden I feel the thread as clearly as if I were actually, physically holding it in my hands. It’s stretched to its breaking point. The shock of it is like a cold shower. I finally manage to let go. Slowly the thread slips from my grasp.
Caden pushes me off him and jumps up from the sofa. His shirt is wrinkled, the top buttons are undone, revealing his bare chest, which rises and falls with his frantic breaths. He looks at me like I’m the devil himself.
Oh, God, what have I done?
“I’m so sorry,” I stammer in a choked whisper, slapping a hand over my mouth.
Caden runs a hand through his blond hair. He still seems a little dazed.
“I was right,” he says. “You really don’t waste any time.”
Caden asks me to try it one more time. I tell him I think it’s a bad idea, but he insists.
“I’m the only guinea pig you have, Kaya. So make it count!”
As much as I hate to admit it, he’s not wrong. Unless I want to try my powers on Ava or the library patrons again, he remains my only hope of getting the hang of this.
“Get something to eat,” I suggest.
There’s no way I want to feed on his lust again. Not while it’s directed at me and affects me as much as it did. I mean, I unbuttoned his shirt! What was I thinking?
Caden’s mouth twists into a cheeky grin.
“Afraid of rolling around on the sofa with me, love? You should know I can be a very tender lover.”
Heat flushes my face, and I quickly turn away so he doesn’t see it. A soft laugh accompanies him as he leaves the room.
Unbidden images come to me. Earlier, his lips were so close, all I had to do was lean forward a little and we would have kissed. Would it have been a tender kiss? Or would it have been deep and full of passion, like the one I’d witnessed between him and Sasha? What if I hadn’t let go of the thread?
“Why do all your sins taste like cinnamon, I wonder?”
Caden’s back, and with his cocky grin back in place as well. In his hand, he holds a small white paper bag. Realizing he’s just tasted my lustful thoughts, my cheeks get even hotter. My face is probably a fiery red by now. At least Caden has the decency not to comment further. He lifts the paper bag.
“Roasted almonds. Want some?”
I shake my head. I’m much too nervous to eat.
Caden shrugs and drops into the chair across from the sofa. He’s keeping his distance, I notice. Presumably to prevent a repeat of what happened earlier. The thought stings for some reason, but right now I don’t have time to deal with that.
The paper bag rustles, and the scent of roasted almonds hits my nose.
“Ready?” Caden asks.
I nod, though I don’t feel the least bit ready. I loosen my tense shoulders, trying to be inconspicuous about it, then close my eyes.
This time I recognize the threads immediately. One of them is still stretched between Caden and me, but it no longer looks as if it’s ready to snap at any second. A second one connects him to the whisky glass, and thread number three stretches between him and the almonds.
As Caden begins to eat, this last thread gets taut. I taste the sweetness and the deeper roast flavor and suppress a contented sigh. At least it doesn’t catch me off guard this time. But I can feel the thread tightening more and more. It’s out of my control.
“I wasn’t planning on eating the whole bag just now, love.”
Caden sounds like he can barely keep it together. It would almost be funny if I didn’t know how easily such powers can get out of control.
I’m trying to remember how I managed to let go of the thread last time, but it was more shock at what I was doing than any conscious decision on my part. Right now, I don’t feel shocked or afraid. On the contrary. I feel powerful.
Intoxicated.
“Kaya?”
I hear Caden crumple up the bag. For a moment I lose focus and open my eyes. A few of the almonds have fallen to the floor.
Caden raises his eyebrows.
“Just so you know, love, I’m not going to crawl around on the floor looking for those almonds just because you can’t get your powers under control.”
His gaze darts to the wooden floorboards as if he were about to do just that. But then his hand wanders to his shirt and begins to undo the buttons. His movements are erratic, as if he were distracted, yet they don’t fail to have the desired effect.
Desire builds inside me. At first it’s just a soft tingle, a long look that lights the fire inside me. But with each additional button Caden opens, it becomes more urgent. I move forward on the cushion, roasted almonds forgotten. Caden doesn’t seem to care about them anymore either. Maybe I let go of the thread without realizing it.
Caden’s hand pauses, his shirt open to his belly button. I can now clearly feel his presence in my mind, intensifying my desire. I get to my feet and stumble blindly toward him. All I can think about is how his skin, his muscles, his heartbeat will feel under my hands.
But before I can touch him, he grabs my wrists and pulls me close. His lips curl up into a smirk.
“Oh, love, you really can’t control yourself at all, can you?”