Nikolo
The walk of shame has a different feel to it at night. It’s much more the vibe and is significantly less questionable. And as a bonus, being a vamp means that hangovers aren’t really a thing. No matter what I get up to the night before, I wake up fresh as a daisy, ready to go all over again.
And again.
And again.
I’ve been ‘againing’ for two weeks now.
While the descent has been quick—it hasn’t been pretty.
Drinking on the job. Recklessly feeding.
Letting the customers get too handsy while I’m up on the bar.
Leaving with the customers—fuck, sometimes not even leaving, just hooking up in the alley behind the club.
Every night at Bloody Temptations has been a party.
Which means the nights I haven’t been at work, I’ve been going twice as hard.
It’s like the old Nikolo is back.
And he fucking sucks.
With the time and space I’ve had between then and now, the old habits and patterns just don’t fit like they used to.
Smashing the palm of my hand on the self-destruct button just doesn’t feel good anymore.
It just feels like trying to squeeze into a shitty polyester jumpsuit that’s two sizes too small.
Which is to say, it’s uncomfortable and feels like shit.
It’s a feeling that makes my skin itch on my slow, meandering walk home through the streets of downtown Osneau from wherever it is I ended up last night.
I’m not entirely sure what their name was, but at least they were a vamp and had proper shutters so I didn’t accidentally get fried when the sun came up.
The feeling doesn’t improve when I pass a lovely, wholesome human family on the street and the parents snatch up their children out of my way.
Usually, I’d put that shit down to me being a vamp.
But tonight I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m wearing a halter top made entirely out of diamante chains and their adorable little girl asked her mother if she could have a top just like the pretty man’s.
If that mother’s looks could kill, I’d be dead on the street right now.
But no, I’m just making my way home at six thirty in the evening, praying that I can get to the shower without running into Kai and his increasingly concerned-slash-disapproving looks.
A tingle in my butt pulls me out of my pensive thoughts. Nothing fun like a vibrating butt plug. It’s my phone. Pulling it out of my pocket, I can see that it’s really nothing fun. It’s my maker, Laurence. For a second and a half I debate not answering, but that’ll only make things worse.
“Nikolo, I swear to the Gods, if you do not calm the fuck down, I will charter a private vamp flight just to come over there and kick your behind back into order.”
Well. It seems that news of my behaviour has travelled, and the parentals are unamused. “How did you know?”
“Maddy called.”
“Ah, fuck.” I wince in apology to yet another mother who happens to be passing with her darling children as I swear. Seriously, why are there so many families out right now? It’s weird. “Thought she might do that.”
Hoped she wouldn’t, though.
“Yes, well, when one of her best employees goes off the rails and starts putting the rest of her staff at risk, she gets concerned.”
“I hardly think I’ve ‘gone off the rails’.” I scoff, even though I know I’m teetering on the edge of an outright lie. “I’m just having fun.”
“Hmmm.” Laurence’s heavy accent adds a little flair to the way he draws out the disappointed hum. “You keep telling yourself that, baby doll, and see where you end up.”
The blow hits, and he knows it. With absolutely no defence, I say nothing, and the line hangs silent between us until I can hear the rustling of fabric in the background.
“What is going on, darling poppet?” Laurence’s voice is soft and filled with so much caring it has my knees trembling and my feet stumbling on the sidewalk. Damn him to the ether.
Not pausing my long strides, I force my body to keep going and squeeze my jaw tight to fight back the crushing wave of emotion that washes over me. My makeup from last night is already smudged all over the place; I don’t need blood-tinged tears improving the mess.
“There’s a boy.” I say finally through gritted teeth. “A man.”
“Ah.” There’s more rustling of fabric, and in my mind's eye I can see Laurence reclining back on one of the many dramatic daybeds he has scattered throughout his villa. “There usually is. Tell me about him.”
Like I’ve just been waiting for the moment, it spills out of me. There’s no stopping it. Even if I wanted to.
“He’s from my clan. Not just from my clan.
He was—he is—Aleksi’s little brother. I didn’t know he was here in town.
And when I found out, I was worried, but then I realised it’s been two years, yeah?
If we were going to run into each other, we would have.
But then it turns out he’s friends with Kai’s boyfriend, Finn, and he knows I’m in town and he was looking for me.
I just… I didn’t know what to do. We ended up going out all together in a group, and I just fucking panicked.
I don’t even know what was wrong. I was just scared all night.
And I was a raging asshole to Finn, and then he and Kai had all these problems, and it just…
it just brought everything back, and I, and I—”
After all the words that just poured out of me, I don’t know how to finish. Laurence doesn’t have the same hesitation.
“And you decided to beat him to the punch? If you were going to be treated like the boy you used to be, you’d act like him? You felt vulnerable and fell into old habits because they were familiar and safe?”
I hate that he can see me so clearly, even whilst on a completely different continent. It’s how he lured me in in the beginning.
“Yeah. Something like that.”
Laurence waits. He waits and waits and waits. The kind of silence that gets really loud. The kind where one being is just waiting for the other to crack. And I do, like an egg.
“It’s just… It’s just I’ve worked hard—really, really hard—to draw the line between that life and this one.
Egbert respects it. My parents respect it.
Willan is a complication. What if he doesn’t respect the line?
What if he makes it all blurry and then I have all of that life in this life and it all gets mixed up and—”
“And what if he tells them all about why you were removed from the clan and they reject you too?”
“You know, Laurence.” I say with an eerie kind of calm, considering my heightened emotional state. “Calling someone out this effectively, this early in the evening, when they are standing in front of a ‘Grounds for Coffee’ is rude.”
Laurence’s indulgent chuckle tickles my ear, easing some of the pain from the way he’s just flayed me open.
“You’ll survive, Nikolo. You always do. Do you really think that your friends would reject you if they knew the behaviour from your past?
Or do you think perhaps that they would find it admirable how much you’ve changed and grown?
Would they be impressed by the man you’ve become despite the trials you endured? ”
“I wouldn’t go that far, Laur, but no. I don’t think Kai, or Maddy, or Kroy, or anyone from Bloody Temptations would turn their backs on me because I used to be a shithead. Not really.”
“But the fear is hard to shake, I understand. You learnt the lesson hard, and you learnt it young. Maybe this is an opportunity to unlearn it. To rewrite the narrative of your life.”
“You say that like it’s easy.”
“I never said that it was easy. Nothing worthwhile ever really is. But is what you’re currently doing ‘easy’? Is it making you feel good? Improving the situation? Filling your spirit? Making you feel settled? Grounded? Are you enjoying your current behaviour?”
My jaw squeezes tight again, my fangs squeaking against my teeth with how hard I clamp my mouth shut. “No.”
“So why keep going?” It’s a rhetorical question, and he doesn’t wait for me to answer. “And while I’m on a roll, extolling my brilliant years of wisdom here, perhaps those explicitly defined boundaries are something else that you’ve outgrown. Or more particularly, something you should outgrow.”
The sharp spike of panic that strikes me is evident in my voice when I ask what he means. Laurence is only too happy to continue ‘extolling his wisdom’.
“There is no need to completely disconnect yourself from every aspect of your old life. It may have served its purpose in the past, but now it may be time to have faith in yourself and who you are now. You are allowed to enjoy things from your heritage. Your magic may have changed, but that doesn’t mean that it’s disappeared.
Your life as a mage made you the man that you are today.
You don’t have to turn your back on it entirely. ”
“I know, but—”
“No. You don’t know. You think you know.
Too many vampires take to this way of thinking, and it only does them and our entire community harm.
They think that turning is death and new birth.
It’s only transmutation. What once was, still is.
It’s just different. If you still want to partake in mage rituals or even try something completely different, you can.
It’s only you stopping you. Stop fighting it, whatever it is.
Whether it’s this boy or just reconnecting with your past. You have a very, very long life ahead of you, darling Nikolo.
Don’t start cutting off paths now, or you’ll end up on a very narrow road. ”
“Ya done?” I sass to cover up the way he’s so successfully hauled me over the coals.
Laurence takes no heed of my attitude. In truth, he loves it. Usually it means he gets to give me another lecture, which is one of his true passions in life. Knowing that he’s got his point across, he gives me the out I desperately need, chuckling affectionately.
“Don’t you talk to me like that, boy-o, or I’ll cut you out of my will.”
“You’d never. I’m your favourite child.”
“You like to think so.”
“Nah, this one I know.”
“Take that attitude into the rest of your days, and I’ll be a happy maker, Nikolo.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I manage to squeak out a thank you.
“Think nothing of it. Go home. Rest, think about what I’ve said and no more causing scenes at work. Or I’ll have to send Frederick there to spank you.”
“Oh no. That would be terrible. I’d hate that.”
“Insolent shit. Behave. Or don’t. Just have fun. I’ll send you some funds sometime soon.”
That could be any time from tomorrow until sometime next month. At a good couple of centuries old, Laurence’s concept of time isn’t great.
“Talk soon?”
“Of course. Good luck, my darling.”
Laurence hangs up before I say goodbye, like he always does. It’s perfect timing because I’m almost home.
Blessedly, as I let myself into our apartment, I realise Kai’s not home. Considering neither of us are working tonight, there is an extremely good chance he’s with Finn and I have the place to myself to stew in silence about everything.
I grab a bottle of blood on the way to the bathroom, finishing it while I fill the tub.
I down another one while I soak in the bubbly water and let my thoughts chase themselves through my head.
Around the second time I refresh the water, my phone vibrates on the counter.
I have to dry off my hands to open it, and almost drop my damned phone in the bath when I see it’s a message from Egbert.