Egbert
Nikolo. I hate to message you like this; you know that.
But I’ve been chatting to Willan. He wants to talk to you.
Normally, I’d shut that shit down faster than you could blink, but I know you two were close enough as kids.
And I know he’s a good lad. He’s not out to cause you trouble.
I’ve told him I’ll pass along his number, but not to hold his breath.
The ball’s entirely in your court, kid. No skin off my nose if you ignore him and go on your way. —E
A second message sits underneath the first, with a contact card for Willan. But before I can even process what the fuck is happening, another message comes through.
Oh, and I’ve been meaning to message you anyway.
Kroy said you took a charm from something that was donated to his shop.
He said you were pretty excited about it.
Know that if you ever want anything from the shop, or just to come on in and have a look about, you’re more than welcome.
If you need me to open later so there’s no one about, I’m happy to do it. Whatever you need.
There is a definite shake to my hands as I lay my phone carefully back on the counter.
Reclining back in the bath, I slide down until my chin is at water level.
I really want to dunk myself under entirely, but I don’t know if I have the emotional strength to deal with getting my curls wet right now.
What the fuck is happening with my life? Internally, my mind is screaming, while on the outside I stare blankly at the white tiles of the bathroom.
The bath gets cold again, so I empty out half the water and refill it once more and grab another blood. I need extra hydration for all this thinking.
Once I’m settled in the safety of the water again, I’m feeling less like a smashed egg. I even have something that feels remarkably like reason tingling around the edges of my consciousness.
Back when I was first getting my shit together, living with Laurence in his villa with his collection of lost beings, I spent a lot of time with Ezra, Laurence’s lover at the time.
He taught me a lot, probably a lot of things that I should have learnt when I was a kid about things like emotional regulation and that kinda thing.
He’s the one who got me started doing stretches when I first wake up in the morning—something I haven’t been doing for the past couple of weeks.
He said a simple routine will keep me grounded and in tune with my body.
In those early days, I was a bit of a mess and had a lot of guilt about the way that I’d acted before.
Sometimes it felt like I was obliged to keep going because I always had.
Ezra taught me to reframe my thoughts, taking them out of the negative tailspin I was in and giving myself some perspective.
Obviously, it’s a skill I lost over the years.
Or if I was going to try to reframe them, it’s a muscle I let get weak.
So, with literally nothing to lose, I give it a try.
Maybe, I consider, cupping the last of the bubbles in my hand and watching them slowly pop, I brought this on myself somehow.
Not in a bad way. But maybe that feeling, that yearning that’s driven me to collect tiny pieces of the past and stow them away, maybe that triggered something in the universe.
Maybe it’s not the universe or the Gods punishing me or trying to test me or anything shitty like that.
Maybe it’s happening to answer that itch that’s been growing inside me, and maybe it’s happening now because I’m ready.
Because after everything, I’m finally ready to open the door between me and the past and maintain whatever boundaries I feel ready for.
Maybe if I don’t take the Gods’ more subtle hints, they’ll start clobbering me over the head and my life really will go tits up.
Okay, it might be arrogant to think that the Gods have so much time to waste on me of all the beings in the world.
But once I try to look at the whole thing with some kind of objectivity, it’s all starting to feel like a giant neon sign blinking ‘NIKOLO STOP BEING A GIANT DUMB ASS’.
Those kinds of signs are dangerous to ignore. It never ends well.
Which means not fighting it anymore and just… rolling with it. Whatever it is.
Beginning with meeting Willan.
Soon.
I brace myself for the wave of stomach-churning anxiety and complex emotions that comes from thinking his name. And it comes, flooding my arms and legs with a hot, heavy feeling that makes my fingers tingle.
With my newfound resolve—flimsy as it is right now—it doesn’t feel as all-consuming or devastating as it did before.
And by the time that I crawl into bed after watching several hours of trashy reality TV and drinking enough blood to give myself a rosy flush, I’m feeling more myself than I’ve felt in longer than I like to think about.
The rattle of keys outside the door has me tensing in my deep stretch. Forcing my muscles to relax, I flow through the movement, moving into my next pose just as Kai unlocks the door and strolls on in, Finn right behind him.
I was a little nervous this evening, and I realised that today was a brand new day of being my new self. Well, my new old self. Or my new, older, newer self? I don’t know. I just knew that today was the day that I had to make the choice not to continue the way I was going.
My first step was sending a text. To Willan. I deliberated over the wording for a solid fifteen minutes before I typed out a quick message:
Egbert said you wanted to talk. I’ll be free at 4 am. Meet me at the Rusty Nail? Nikolo.
It’s a bullshit time. And yeah, maybe I suggested it because I’m not entirely over my wayward ways and I want to test how desperate he actually is to catch up.
But also, there’s a staff meeting at Bloody Temptations tonight, and I’m probably going to be there a while, grovelling for forgiveness from the security staff whose jobs I’ve been making way harder than they needed to be.
“So. You’re home.” Kai says, kicking off his shoes. Through my legs, I can see Finn’s eyes dart back and forth from Kai’s defensive pose to my doubled over, twisted up self. “Wasn’t sure if you’d be here.”
“Well, here I am. Been here since pretty much first thing yesterday.” Slowly I unfold and roll to standing, shaking out my fingers, aiming for casual and calm.
Kai’s pissed, understandably so, really.
My behaviour behind the bar has put him in some tricky spots recently, where people have thought my newfound ways extended to him, too.
“Spent the night in the bath. Watched some TV.”
Instantly Kai relaxes. He nods and throws himself on the couch with an emphatic, “Good.”
Finn, unfortunately, is confused about the dramatic change in tone.
“When Nikolo needs to get his shit together, he has a bath. Sorts his brain out.” Kai explains, reaching over to grab Finn's arm and yank him onto the couch with a little yelp. “That means you’re ready to talk about it?”
“Yeah, I think it’s about time.” I don’t particularly want to have this conversation wearing only a tiny pair of briefs, so I quickly slip on my discarded oversized tee shirt and throw myself on the couch.
“Um, cool. I’ll just go—” Finn begins, standing up against the weight of Kai pinning him down. I smile at him. It’s a tight line of a smile but more than a grimace.
“Nah. You don’t have to go, Finn. For starters, I owe you an apology. And well, it’s just going to save time when Kai gives you the rundown later.”
Kai doesn’t look remotely ashamed; he just shrugs and settles Finn in even more securely against him and then nods to me to get started.
“Finn, I’m sorry I’ve been a massive dick to you.
” I launch right in, somewhere around the middle.
Understandably, Finn is somewhat confused, his face puckering up and his brows drawing in.
“At Hearts Gate. And really before that even. At first, it was just that I had some reservations about you and Kai, but mostly it was about me and some old stuff from my past coming back up, and I took it out on you. It really wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”
Finn’s face relaxes, a soft blush creeping into his cheeks. “It’s fine, water under the bridge. We never have to discuss that night again. Seriously, ever. It doesn’t exist.”
I let out a soft laugh, and Kai squeezes him tight.
That night wasn’t Finn’s finest moment; his self confidence battled the booze, and the booze won that round.
I have no doubt he wants to forget the epic drunken meltdown he had, but hey, he got a killer job out of it so it wasn’t all bad. And now, he and Kai are happy as Larry.
“Right, well, I’m happy to never mention it again. But I’m sorry, and I hope that we can move forward or whatever.” Because despite those earlier reservations, Finn's a decent guy. And he’s good for Kai.
“Like I said, water under the bridge.” Finn reassures me with a genuine smile.
“Why’d you do it, though? I’ve been thinking about it, and you were off even before we went out. And all this shit since… it’s not you.”
I can’t even begin to tell him how good that is to hear, even if I’m about to shatter that image for him.
It’s not that I’ve never told Kai anything about my past—that would be super fucking weird.
But I’ve always given a super heavily revised edition.
Like, he knows that I was a mage, and I left the clan younger than usual and had a bit of a wild time partying before finding Laurence and turning.
The thing is, there was always enough shiny, super fun and exciting details to cover up the less than stellar ones.
“It’s probably more me than you know. Or at least, it was.” I tug at the neckline of my shirt, shifting on the couch. Usually, I love attention. Right now? Not so much.