Chapter 7
Jannis
“See you later?” The message from Dayyan pops up on my display, and I manage to dismiss it just in time before Luca snatches the phone from my hand.
Privacy is a foreign concept to my brother, always has been.
Maybe because he never had any privacy himself in the countless group homes he lived in until he was twelve.
There were just as many foster families, but he only stayed with them for very short periods of time.
“Who’s texting you?”
“None of your business.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
My look is enough to dispel the suspicion, because he immediately backtracks. “Okay, I get it. Wait! Are you still seeing that guy from the schoolyard? I saw you guys at the dogs place on the dragon meadow the other day.”
That’s exactly the information Luca needs. Anyone else could’ve seen me and not cared, but no, it had to be him. I’ll never live this down, not for the next few weeks.
“It’s still none of your business.” I plan to stay strong, but I can see from the tip of Luca’s nose that he’ll pull out his killer move if I don’t spill on my own. The first tear is already glistening in the corner of his eye.
Another one of his perfected skills, crying on cue. I know it’s fake, Luca knows I know. Why he gets me every time, I have no idea. Not today though. “Stop it.”
“You don’t trust me.” I knew it. Bored, I cross my arms in front of my chest. “You’re my brother. What did I do that was so wrong you’re not talking to me?”
“Are you serious?” I act dismissive, but he knows I’m hanging on by a thread.
“You know how much that hurts me.”
Okay, I have to go. I really don’t want to tell him I’m seeing Dayyan. Why not? I don’t know. Probably because Luca has a thousand questions and I don’t want to answer any of them.
Luca always has questions. Direct and relentless, and I actually love him for it.
When I’m out with him, he speaks what I’m thinking.
But getting caught in the crossfire of his interrogation?
Yeah, I don’t need that today. Because I can’t lie, and I don’t know the truth myself.
There’s too much going on in my head and in my gut and in my.
.. just my head and my gut. Nowhere else. Nowhere. Damn it.
Without another word, I push past my brother and walk to my room a little faster than needed.
“Should I pick you up? I can be there in five.”
Dayyan’s replies immediately and I grab my phone, perhaps a little too frantically. And maybe I grin a little too broadly when I see the thumbs up on my display.
“Where are you going?” Why the hell is Luca still in the kitchen? “Suppose I followed you, who would I see you with?”
“Come on, leave it. Why are you even at home? Where’s Kira?” I think her name was Kira, but you can never be sure. Luca changes his partners like other people change their underwear.
He looks at me, almost disturbed. “Kira and I were three weeks ago.”
“Sorry, my bad. Apparently, I’ve lost track. Who is it now?”
“Lucien. We have fun at parties or after soccer sometimes, but we’re not together.” Defensive, almost horrified, Luca raises both hands at the word “together.”
My brother is one of those effortless good-looking people, who doesn’t even have to try.
Everyone loves Luca’s black curls and his blue eyes, his masculine features, which are already much more pronounced than those of the other sixteen-year-olds.
And then there’s his easygoing manner—five minutes around him and the party is his.
Or the classroom or whatever. Everyone wants to be friends with him, and hardly anyone notices who he’s hiding behind that loud facade – the lonely child who doesn’t let anyone get close to him because he’s so incredibly afraid of losing them again.
“I don’t know how we got so far off topic. What’s your friend’s name?” And that’s my cue to make a silent exit. I don’t want to talk about Dayyan, or I’d have to think about the excited fluttering in my stomach, and I don’t want to.
When I realize how fast I’m walking, I stop abruptly.
With trembling hands, I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my messages.
The chat I’m looking for is at the bottom.
I haven’t received a new message in over three years.
Sometimes I write to him when I don’t know what to do with my emotions.
I send the message and the chat slips back to the top.
As if everything was fine. But by the next day at the latest, it’s clear that there is no one on the other end and there never will be again.
His photo is still there, and I stare at the single gray check mark.
Never again will there be two, never again will they turn blue. I read our last messages.
“How are you?”
“Not so well. I try to sleep now.”
“See you tomorrow. Sleep well.”
“See you tomorrow.”
My finger strokes the kiss emoji. Tomorrow never came.
I scroll further and land on our last photo together.
I was sitting on a bench waiting for Danny when he hugged me from behind and took the selfie completely by surprise.
We’re both laughing. His blue eyes are shining in the winter sun.
We were rarely out, but the weather was great that day.
Clear skies and sunshine, freezing cold.
I can still feel his arms around my neck, and I want to lean into him, but there’s no one left to hug me back.
Emptiness drops like a stone in my stomach, and I feel tears running down my cheeks. My phone vibrates and I flinch. A new message from Dayyan. Why is he writing? Has he changed his mind?
The laughter comes out so quickly and so unpredictably I have no chance to hold it back. My heart is beating a little too fast.
In the photo he sent me, Flocke is sitting in front of the garden gate, looking intently at the street.
And there, at the edge of the picture, is this Dayyan’s foot dangling?
He’s probably sitting on the wall base holding the gate.
I see the even, golden brown skin of his leg with the jet-black hair. He’s so different from Danny.
“Someone’s waiting for you!” is written under the picture.
I quickly rub my eyes and continue walking.
Flocke notices me first. As if stung by a tarantula, she races through the garden when she sees me, before she returns to her place at the gate, wagging her tail.
This dog has learned quickly that I communicate in signs, not words.
I can’t speak to her when people are around us.
So when I lift my hand, Flocke sits down to get her long-awaited pat.
“Hello! I’m happy to see you too.” Dayyan is still sitting on the wall, watching amused as his dog and I forget the world around us for a brief moment.
“Hey! Want me to scratch your chin?” I’m more and more relaxed, I can tell by comments like this, which are always floating around in my head but rarely find their way out. Usually it’s with Luca or with the rest of my family, but never with other people, not even with my device.
“If I can lick you afterwards?” That’s what I like about Dayyan, he gives me a silly comeback and laughs. I never have to explain myself; he just understands me. “Are you okay?”
He’s referring to my red eyes, sees that I’ve been crying.
It’s an honest question, and I know he really wants an answer.
I don’t want to lie to him. But now, here in this moment, with him, on the street in front of his house, my heart is so much lighter than it was ten minutes ago, and I nod. Everything’s fine.
Luca’s words come to my mind. “What’s your friend’s name?
” He said friend, he meant something more, I’m sure of that, but for the first time since Danny, I don’t feel alone anymore.
That there might be someone who cares about me and wants to spend time with me.
Friendship. Nothing more. Definitely nothing more.
My heart beats a little faster at this thought. Friends.