Chapter 18
Dayyan
“Ah, here you are. So nice to see you.”
I roll my eyes at my mother’s exaggerated act, but I can’t help but grin. “I’m home almost every day for dinner. Don’t act like I’m always out.”
“Since when do you keep track?”
“Your father and I realize that we took you out of your familiar surroundings quite unexpectedly. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. We want you to be happy.”
“I’m fine.” My mother raises an eyebrow skeptically and I smile.
What she doesn’t know is that I’m at home quite a lot before 5 p.m. when the twins are still at school and my parents are at work.
To avoid meeting anyone, we go for a walk with Flocke before they come home.
We usually stop at a bench, on the dragon meadow or in the vineyards, and sit there until we both have to go home for dinner.
“Are you with someone?”
“I told you about Jannis. You asked the principal if we could be in the same class, remember?”
My mother looks at me with a frown. “But I thought he was just a casual acquaintance?”
“He was at first.” A smile creeps across my face.
“And now?”
“You’re nosey, Mom.” She grins. My mother is cool, maybe because she’s only forty-five and was still pretty young when she had me. No, I wasn’t planned, but I was no less loved. I just spent a lot of time on campus as a toddler.
However, this resulted in that large age gap between the twins and me. The two of them were planned.
“Tell me about your friend. Why haven’t you brought him home yet?”
“We’re here a lot, but not when anyone’s home. His name is Jannis, he lives here too, and he’s nice.” My mother’s expression changes and I immediately wonder what I’ve done wrong.
“What kind of nice are we talking about? Because if you hadn’t told me we were talking about a young man, I could’ve sworn he was a girl.” I know how she got that idea and I hide my face in my hands. “Now tell me about him.”
“He’s funny, we laugh a lot together, we like similar music and movies. We can talk about anything. Flocke loves him.”
My mother smiles gently. “And is he good-looking?”
“He’s tall, at least four inches taller than me, maybe five, with blond curls down to his shoulders and those eyes. Mom, no kidding, I bet you’ve never seen eyes like his before. They sparkle like amber in the sun, a bit like a cat’s.”
My mother watches me filling my glass with water, and I’m afraid she can see right into my heart, as she always does. “Do you have feelings for Jannis?”
Half of the water I was about to drink finds its way out through my nose and I choke heavily.
“Mom?! Getting straight to the point, don’t you?”
“Life’s too short not to.”
I take a deep breath and stare at the ceiling. “It’s complicated, okay?”
“Are you afraid he doesn’t feel the same way?” Oh God, this woman is killing me.
“I don’t even know what I feel myself.” That’s not true. I feel the same way I’ve always felt about girls when I was in love with them. The butterflies in my stomach, the insatiable need for closeness, the desire to touch and be touched.
“Are you nervous because you suddenly have feelings for a man?”
My mother has always been my closest confidante, but she demands answers to questions I’ve successfully avoided until now.
“Surprised is more like it, and I’m afraid of what it means for us.
What will happen to our friendship if he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him?
Right now, everything is so easy and relaxed, and I want it to stay that way. I don’t want to lose him as a friend.”
“You think he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings?”
“It’s complicated.”
Mom laughs. “Yeah, we’ve already established that. But I feel like I’m missing some basic information.”
Did I mention that my mother is a psychologist and just can’t help herself?
“Is Jannis straight?”
I laugh and shake my head. “No, Jannis is gay. Or bi, I’m not sure, but he’s only been with one person so far, and that was a boy.” My mother looks at me expectantly. “His boyfriend died three years ago and he’s not really over it. He still cries for him.”
The burning curiosity in my mother’s eyes has faded. In its place is now deep sympathy and shock. “Was it a surprise?”
“Yes. He got meningococcal sepsis and passed quickly. The problem was that no one knew the two were together. Jannis has been in a difficult position at school already. He doesn’t speak and everyone thinks he’s kind of weird.
His boyfriend was super popular, but he was the only one who treated Jannis normally.
He was his only social contact, apart from his family.
His death pretty much pulled the rug out from under him, and he couldn’t even grieve properly because outwardly he had no reason to. I think he still loves him.”
Now everything is out. Everything that has been weighing on my mind for weeks.
Slowly, I slide down the refrigerator I was leaning against. Exhaustion takes over my body and all I want to do is close my eyes and disappear.
Mom crouches down in front of me taking my hands.
“Shall we go to your room? The twins will be home from soccer soon.”
I lie on the bed with my head in Mom’s lap. “If he doesn’t speak, how do two you communicate?”
“Jannis has selective mutism. He’s spoken with me from the beginning, he doesn’t know why himself. But it only works when we’re alone, otherwise he has an app on his phone with voice output. He uses it at school too.”
“And your classmates aren’t accepting of that?”
I shake my head thoughtfully. “They ignore him; it feels like he’s invisible. He has no friends except me. But that’s so unfair, Jannis is really cool. He’s quiet, but he has a subtle sense of humor and he’s incredibly intelligent.”
“And his late boyfriend was the only person outside his family who communicated with him? But the two of them weren’t officially together?
” I nod. “So Jannis lost his boyfriend, and his only social contact to the world outside of his family in one fell swoop. For him, this death wasn’t only the loss of a loved one, but also a return to isolation.
There’s the fact that everyone thought he ‘only’ lost a classmate, not a friend, and certainly not someone he loved.
He probably never had the chance to grieve properly, and had to mask his grief and pain somehow.
That’s quite a recipe for complicated grief and healing processes. ”
I look up at my mother and hope for an answer that will allow me to move forward. “What should I do?”
“I gather from what you’ve told me that he told you about his boyfriend. That’s a great sign of trust. Give him space to grieve, hold him when he wants to be held, give him time when he withdraws. Go at his pace, but let him know you’re willing to move on when he is. Are you jealous?”
“Sometimes, but I feel bad about it.”
My mother smiles and gently runs her fingers through my hair.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re allowed to feel that way, but you also have to accept that his boyfriend will always have a place in his heart, in whatever form that may be.
Once he’s sure you won’t take that away from him, it might be easier for him to open up. ”
***
It’s already dark when I leave the house to take Flocke for a walk.
My mother suggested therapy for Jannis, but even though we’ve never talked about it directly, given his past, I suspect that he already has experience in this area and has consciously decided against it.
Maybe I’ll have a chance to ask him about it sometime.
As we walk across the schoolyard, Flocke’s attention rises, she stops, and pricks up her ears. I look around but can’t see anyone. She’s not nervous, just more alert, so we keep walking. Twice more she turns toward a dark alcove.
We often walk here at night when I need time to clear my head, and never has my dog reacted like this before. I waver between curiosity and panic. Something is different today. We are not alone. It is too quiet for a nocturnal animal. No rustling, no scratching.
Relief seeps through my body when I am standing in front of our house again. I turn in the direction of the schoolyard one more time and see a shadow disappear behind a car. Huh, I was right after all.
With a loud crash, I slam our garden gate shut. It’s way too loud for the time of night, but the end justifies the means, or something like that. Then I scurry behind the large thuja tree in our garden right next to the fence with the best view of the street.
I don’t have to wait long before a very tall, athletic figure stops in front of our house. From his build, it could almost be Jannis, but his gait is different and he is even taller.
“Why are you following me?” I have no idea what came over me. I should be scared, but apparently, I have a hidden death wish.
“I... I’m not following you.” The man recoils, almost startled. Maybe he’s just a teenager after all.
“You were in the schoolyard too. Flocke sensed you.”
“I’m there often. I lost my phone this afternoon and tried to find it.”
“Why did you hide?”
The boy snorts loudly. “Seriously? I thought you were a security guy with a vicious dog. I’ve had enough trouble already, no one would’ve believed me that I wasn’t trying to break in.”
In one swift movement, he pulls down his hood and now I startle. I know him.
“You’re Luca, Jannis’s little brother.” He just raises his eyebrows briefly in confirmation.
“What’s going on between you two?”
I have no idea what he knows, if Jannis told him something, but I don’t want to be the one to spill the beans. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
A laugh escapes his lips, and I don’t know if he’s annoying or impressing me. “Oh, so it’s not you he hangs out with at school and then again in the afternoons?”
“How did you...?” I want to answer, but Luca immediately interrupts me.
“You know those things in your face? They’re called eyes, you have two of them, so do I.
If they work properly, you can see with them.
Crazy, right?” He looks at me and waits for an answer, but I don’t have anything quick-witted to say right now.
Damn, he’s got a pretty quick tongue. “Spoiler alert: my eyes are fully functional.”
“Congratulations. Jannis and I are friends. Of course we meet up.” My voice is more biting than I intended, but I feel like he’s implying something that isn’t true. Something that may never be true. Everything feels so fragile, and I feel the need to protect what we have.
“Jannis has never had friends. What do you want from him?” Now I understand, he’s protecting him. Luca is concerned I’m taking advantage of Jannis or hurting him.
“I can only speak for myself, but I like your brother. Just the way he is.”
Luca looks at me for a long time, as if weighing my answer, then he steps very close to me, leaning over so that our noses almost touch. Damn, he’s tall. Two piercing blue eyes look down at me, and a pointed index finger jabs my chest. “Don’t hurt him, he doesn’t deserve it.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
Luca looks at me for a moment, then turns and disappears into the darkness.