Chapter 19
Jannis
“Oh my God, look at that.” I press my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
“That’s your brother, right? And who are the others?”
Dayyan and I are sitting on a bench at the edge of the schoolyard. Behind us, Flocke is digging around in a field, and in front of us we have the best view of my brother’s latest love drama. As always, said drama is one-sided though and never on his side.
“The guy is a friend of Luca’s, the two of them play here a lot. I don’t know the girls, but judging by how enthusiastically the brunette claps every time Luca scores, I’d say she’s his crush of the week and she’ll be bitterly disappointed when he dumps her like a hot potato after they have sex.”
Dayyan turns to me with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Just what I said. Luca changes partners like other people change their underwear. He says repeats are boring, but I think he’s just incredibly scared of being abandoned by someone he likes. That’s why he doesn’t get involved in anything serious.”
Dayyan’s expression is one big question mark, and it’s cuter than I’m willing to admit. “But... if that’s the case... is it common knowledge? That Luca doesn’t do relationships?”
I can’t help but laugh. “Oh yes. Everyone knows, but obviously there are still guys and girls who think everything will be different with them. So stupid.”
“Well, hope dies last, right? And... um, guys and girls?” Dayyan looks at me almost uncertainly, something in his gaze that I can’t quite grasp. Something warm, something close, something that’s only between us, something that makes my heart beat faster.
“Luca is bi. He’s never come out or anything, and I’m not even sure our fathers know because he never brings anyone home, but at school he’s never made a secret of it.
” I watch Dayyan, seeing the wheels turning behind his eyes, and I’d give anything to know what he’s thinking.
His dark brown eyes dart nervously between my brother and me, his gaze falls on my lips, and he takes a shaky breath.
“Are you okay?” Dayyan nods so quickly I don’t really believe him, but right at that moment, a shrill scream rings out across the schoolyard. “Whoo, baby! You’re the best!” The little brunette jumps excitedly in my brother’s arm, as he dodges her kiss, smiling half-heartedly at her.
“Ah, that’s almost uncomfortable to watch.” Dayyan contorts his beautiful face with pity, which causes his snub nose to wrinkle, and purses his lips. They are red and full, and I want to touch them. Not kiss them, just touch them and imagine how they might feel on mine.
I look up at the sky and a sharp pain shoots through my chest. The memories of the blue eyes that I hold so dear are blurring.
Fear rolls over me in an unstoppable wave, penetrating every fiber of my body.
Where are you, Danny? I can’t really see you anymore.
My head falls back and I lose myself in questions and thoughts.
What are you doing up there? Are you lying somewhere on the beach waiting for me?
Did you move on? I can’t feel you anymore.
Stay with me. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to let you go. Not completely. Not like truly forever.
I don’t get an answer. Of course not. I never do, and yet something is different, I can feel it.
I search for Danny’s face, as I always do when my heart is pounding, but his blue eyes blur with the blue of the sky and something dark pushes itself into the foreground.
I turn to the left, to Dayyan, and my heart beats faster.
But I want to see Danny’s face when I feel like this.
When my fingers tingle, I can still feel your skin on my fingertips, the goose bumps on your chest when I gently caress your flanks.
It's you, isn't it? Because the tingling is changing and I’m so afraid it will disappear. Stay with me. Don’t leave me alone.
A gentle finger strokes a tear from my cheek almost tenderly, bringing me back to reality.
I’m not alone. Dayyan touching me feels good, his calmness and restraint suit me, match my own pace.
No pressure, just... I can’t finish the thought.
I feel too bad to admit that it’s only with Dayyan I understand how much Danny overwhelmed me sometimes.
Danny didn’t know, I didn’t know any better myself.
Danny, stay here, let me hold you, at least what I still have of you.
I’m sorry, okay, I don’t want to feel like this, I. ..
A strong hand pulls me into a slender body, and I know it’s wrong, but I follow and lean in, letting myself be held. I can’t resist, he feels so good. Dayyan feels so good, so right, and it’s tearing me apart.
We sit like this for a long time. Luca leaves, the girl clinging to him, but I’m sure it was their last appearance together. The “baby” has sealed her fate, she just doesn’t know it yet.
I look at my watch, time for dinner. “I don’t want to go home yet.” Dayyan massages my shoulder with his thumb, applying just the right amount of pressure. How does he know exactly what I need? What I like? I never told him.
“I can text my mother, then we can stay here.” Relief floods my body, completely unjustified.
The sun sets, painting the sky a delicate pink. The colors will probably become even more intense as the sun sinks lower.
“Oh, wow.” Dayyan looks up in amazement. “I love the sunsets here.”
“There’s hardly anything more beautiful than watching the sun disappear behind the Vosges mountains.”
“I’ve never seen that.”
Surprised, I turn around so abruptly that Dayyan startles next to me.
“Are you serious?!” He shrugs his shoulders sheepishly. “Come on, it’s still early enough. I know the best spot.”
“Now?” He looks at me incredulously.
“Yes, now!” I jump on my feet in one swift movement and pull Dayyan up with me. “If we go now, we’ll be up there in fifteen minutes!”
“Up there?” His eyes grow wider and wider, and I grab his hand, laughing. Pulling him along, not even noticing when our fingers intertwine and not letting go until we’re standing in front of my car.
Our front door opens and a head of black hair peeks out. Up close, you could see the slightly gray-streaked temples, but the distance flatters my father.
“Jannis?”
“Hey, Papa! We’re going to the white cross. Sunset. We have to.”
Dayyan next to me waves uncertainly. “Hello, Mr. Delfosse.”
“Hello, Dayyan. Go on, or you’ll miss the best part.” Papa is smiling, I can hear it in his voice, but I don’t have time to think about that now. With Flocke in the back, we set off.
We reach the bench behind the white cross at just the right time. The delicate pink turns into an increasingly intense orange-red, which is refracted by a few wisps of clouds, enhancing the effect.
Satisfied, I let myself fall onto the seat and watch Dayyan as he gazes in amazement across the Rhine valley.
“Want me to show you something?” I walk over to him to the edge of the hill and stand right behind him. My chest touches his back, and even though I know it’s wrong, my body wants his so badly that I can’t stop it, and neither does Dayyan. He leans in softly, and I close my eyes for a moment.
“That’s the schoolyard over there.” My arm is on his shoulder, very close to his face. “That’s the church at our school a little further back. And do you see the tower way back there, the dark tall one? That’s Strasbourg Cathedral.”
“Really? It looks so close! So those mountains are really the Vosges mountains?”
I nod, my head so close to his he can feel it.
“Incredibly beautiful, isn’t it?” Now Dayyan nods, and I feel his hair tickling my cheek.
Not for the first time, it awakes desires I don’t want to admit to myself.
But I know they’re there, and I don’t know what I’m more afraid of, following them or letting them fade away when I try suppress them.
I’m sorry, Danny. I’m so terribly sorry. I don’t want this, but I can’t help it. I’m not strong enough. Don’t leave me alone. Please don’t go.