Chapter 20
Dayyan
“Where are we going?”
“Up.” Funny. I can see that for myself. I’ve been running up a mountain behind Jannis for twenty minutes, my lungs are burning, and he’s not even breathing heavily.
“Almost there, and the view will be fantastic.” My view already is fantastic. I could stop right here and be happy. But I don’t say that out loud. I’m still trying to come to terms with my attraction to him.
Jannis walks ahead of me, his ass tensing with every step, his T-shirt sticking to his back with sweat. I want to touch him, grab him, run my finger along his spine. I want to lay my head on his back and take a deep breath, put my hands on his chest and feel his heartbeat.
It’s probably going to get really hot today, but we’re out early and the forest provides shade. That disappears when we step into a clearing with a tall tower. “We’re almost there. You’re not afraid of heights, are you?”
Completely out of breath, I shake my head and struggle up the stairs.
“What keeps you so damn fit? You don’t really do any sports, do you?”
Jannis grins sheepishly. “I actually do, I go mountain biking with Luca or Paps. Louis used to come along too. Now in the summer, we often go for a ride in the evening after dinner when it’s not so hot anymore.”
Ah, that makes sense.
“Look.” With a beaming smile, he points around him. Jannis wasn’t exaggerating—the view is fantastic. We sit down on the small platform and unpack our snacks.
“You have to try these, Paps baked them with turkey bacon. I wasn’t sure if you ate pork.”
I smile. “That’s very thoughtful, but no one in our family belongs to a religion. My parents left theirs and, as you know, we children have always been non-denominational.”
“I’ll keep that in mind for next time. Now dig in.
” Jannis holds out a tin of mini muffins, and I pop one into my mouth.
The aroma of cheese, bacon, and sun-dried tomatoes immediately fills my senses.
Damn, that’s delicious. A satisfied moan escapes my lips and Jannis laughs.
He’s so relaxed today. Is it because we’re outside, far away from other people who might hear us?
No matter what, I have to take the opportunity and ask the question that’s been on my mind for so long. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal.”
Jannis frowns but nods. “Sure, go ahead.”
“Luca is bi, are you bi too, or are you gay, or... I don’t know?”
Nothing happens for a long time. Jannis chews his muffin and stares into space.
I sincerely hope that he’s just thinking and that I didn’t break him.
“Hmm, good question. Girls have never been a part of my life. Neither as friends nor in terms of me finding them attractive in any way. The only girl who ever really talked to me was Valérie before they came out, but that doesn’t really count, Valérie is practically family.
And Valérie... I don’t know, Valérie is difficult.
Val asks questions, demands answers, and they overwhelmed and scared me when I was younger. ”
“And now?”
“Now we inevitably see each other at school and when our fathers meet. They’re really close friends.” Jannis rolls his eyes, and it’s so much cuter than it should be for a man over 6’3”.
“Valérie has two fathers too? Is V adopted as well?”
“Yes and no. Mathéo is their biological father, and Micki adopted Val after the wedding.” Interesting, I didn’t know that. But then again, I haven’t really had much to do with Valérie so far. I try to get back to the topic at hand.
“So you’re gay?”
Jannis nods thoughtfully. “That’s probably the best way to put it.
Though I wouldn’t say that I find men sexually attractive in general.
It was Danny who approached me. At first, I thought he was messing with me, because most people do.
But he was serious, and little by little I fell in love with him and wanted more. ”
I’ve been doing some research over the last few nights. Maybe Jannis is demisexual, but I keep that to myself because it doesn’t matter. “Danny was gay?“
Jannis nods again. Maybe I should’ve waited until after our lunch. He has his mouth full the whole time. “All the girls wanted him, but he wasn’t interested in them.”
“And are you out? To your family?”
He looks at me challengingly, and somehow I have the feeling that this is about more than just Danny. “Why? There’s no reason for me to come out anymore, right?” Ouch. But I understand where he’s coming from. “What about you?”
Jannis’s question hits me completely out of the blue and catches me off guard. Good question though. If I only knew myself. Until two months ago, I would’ve said I was straight. Now? Not so much, right?
“I... um...” How do I best put this? And is this kind of coming out now? “I think I’m bi.”
Jannis looks at me questioningly, but there is more than just confusion in his gaze. Maybe my heart is reading too much into it, but is that hope? “What do you mean? With ‘you think’.”
“I don’t know.” A little helpless, I shrug my shoulders and my heart pounds in my throat. “It’s a... recent development.”
I seek his gaze, yearning to look into his heart to see if it’s beating as fast as mine, but Jannis holds my gaze only for a split second.
“Okay. And before that?”
“Before that, I was always with girls. Until we moved, I had a girlfriend in Frankfurt. But the relationship was difficult and I was actually quite happy... oh God, that sounds awful...”
“You were glad to be rid of her?” I nod reluctantly. “Why? How long were you together?”
Jannis’s voice is firm, but I can hear how much effort it takes him.
It’s a little too raspy and a touch too quiet.
“Eight months. We met last year during summer break. She kind of slipped into my friends’ group through mutual friends.
We were out and about all summer and it was really fun.
Shortly before school started again, we got together.
She went to a different school, and we only had the weekends.
When we were out as a group, it was cool, but when it was just the two of us, we didn’t know what to do with each other.
It was always the same routine: we had sex, then there was this big silence, and not in a good way.
I hated it and I tried to talk to her about it, but she didn’t listen to me at all, immediately changed the subject and completely ignored my.
.. our problems. Once she said that if I had interesting things to talk about, she’d love to talk to me.
When it became clear that we were moving, I told her I didn’t want a long-distance relationship. ”
Jannis lifts his head. Two large amber eyes look at me so piercingly, it stings in my chest. I want to look away, but he won’t let me. “I could sit here with you forever just listening. I’d even listen to you reading the phone book to me, just because I love hearing your voice so much.”
My heart skips a beat, pressing so hard against my chest I’m afraid it’ll burst. “I know it sounds stupid when I say that, because I don’t have anyone else but you, but I mean it anyway.”
His gaze shifts, falling back to his lap.
Instinctively, I reach for his hand and squeeze it, pulling him toward me.
So gently he wouldn’t need to follow if he didn’t want to, but I don’t feel any resistance.
I slide towards him until his shoulder rests against my chest and his temple touches my lips.
Just a touch, almost imperceptible, but we both know it's there and neither of us pull away.
The question of whether I want this with a man, no longer exists. I want this with Jannis. No touch in my life has ever felt so right, and I just hope he feels the same way.