Chapter 21
Jannis
“Remember the guy who gave me roses last Christmas? The one who had been flirting with me at the club for nearly a year and then suddenly disappeared?”
Everyone at the table nods in agreement.
“Of course, how could we forget that story? We were seriously concerned about you and your safety.” Paps is being much more dramatic than necessary.
“He was back yesterday.”
David nods thoughtfully. Yes, David. The two of them are finally back together, hallelujah! Luca and I were thrilled our meddling worked. “But he was acting weird, especially when he realized you’re with me.”
Louis grins stupidly, kissing David gently on the mouth.
There was a time when David was an integral part of our dinner table, and I’m happy that the two of them found their way back to each other after so many lonely years.
I like David. The only annoying thing is that I can’t talk when he’s around, so I stay out of the conversation as much as possible and listen.
“But he didn’t hit on you again?”
“Oh God, you make it sound like he molested me or something. He was offensively flirty, but that was totally okay back then. I was single after all. This time, he was compulsively trying to keep up his facade. It almost hurt to watch him. I think something bad happened to him.”
David nods in agreement. “He could barely maintain eye contact.”
An awkward silence threatens to fill the room, which Paps finds very difficult to bear. “Has Luca told you about his latest act of disgracefulness?”
“The shaving cream stunt? That’s old news.” Louis laughs.
“No, this one is brand new!” Paps finds the whole story far too funny, considering that he’s a teacher himself. “He disconnected the teacher’s iPad and connected his own to the smartboard, and when Mr. Rottmann wanted to show something, all that came up was animals having sex.”
The punchline of the story is that Mr. Rottmann has no idea about technology and couldn’t manage to get the fucking animals off the screen. In his desperation, he pulled out some random plugs–unfortunately the wrong ones and everything went dark.
“Jannis is seeing someone.” What? Did he really just say that?
I stare at Luca in disbelief, hoping he understands the “What the fuck?” my eyes are screaming at him.
What does he know? And since when? Did he see us again?
Where? Oh my God. “What? You know I’m right.
You’re always sneaking off to meet that dark-haired boy at the schoolyard.
How old is he anyway? He looks like twelve.
” What is he talking about? It’s obvious who he means, it can only be Dayyan, but we haven’t met at the schoolyard for a while…
I think. I stare at Luca and he defiantly holds my gaze.
I have a bunch of responses on the tip of my tongue. “Aww, do you miss me? Sweet,” would be one of them. “Are you jealous?”, “Don’t you have a life?”, “Are you stalking me?” None of it would have the desired effect spoken with my phone. Sharp and pointed. So I stick to the facts. “He’s nineteen.”
“And you’re speaking with him! I saw it with my own eyes.” Three heads turn abruptly in my direction. Fantastic.
“Yes, so? I speak to you too. I can speak.” That should shut the others up, at least for now. The new realization that I communicate verbally outside these four walls is too fundamental.
“It’s nice you’ve met someone you feel comfortable with.
” Not for David apparently, and his words hit my sore spot, my Achilles heel.
Because even though I don’t want to admit it, it is damn nice.
Dayyan is taking up more and more space in my life, in my head and in my heart, pushing Danny out of the picture.
I know it, but I don’t want it, it’s not okay, it’s not right.
Danny can’t fight for me anymore, so I have to do it.
Right? Tears well up, I feel them pressing against my eyes and I know I have to get out of here.
“I don’t feel comfortable. There’s nothing. Nothing at all, okay?” Somewhere between angry and agitated, I grab my cup and storm up the stairs to my room.
I’ve been sitting in my favorite spot on the windowsill for less than five minutes when a knock at the door breaks the silence. Typically Luca, he doesn’t wait for my answer, but immediately sticks his head through the crack in the doorway. “Hey, um... can I come in?”
“You’re basically already in. You first knock, then you wait for an answer. What’d you have done if I’d been jerking off?”
Luca’s blue eyes widen. “Oh, shit, did I interrupt you? Were you just about to...?”
How can someone be so intelligent and have so little sense of irony and sarcasm? Good heavens, how?
“Come in and close the door.”
“Did I just accidentally out you? Paps said that.” I think about it and yes, that’s exactly what happened, but that’s not what’s causing the chaos in my head and in my heart.
“It’s okay. It’s not like that’s a problem in our house. If I remember correctly, there are two gay couples sitting at our table right now, and you’re bi.”
“How did you...?” My gaze silences him before he can even ask that stupid question. Luca is many things, and I love him more than anything, but he is not subtle. About anything. Everything about him is loud and over the top.
“Okay, I get it. What about you? What are you?” I don’t want to open up that can of worms that I’ve only ever found two people sexually attractive so far. Both were men. “I’m like Papa and Paps.”
“And like Lou.” I nod. “And you’re okay with that?”
The snort escapes me faster than I can control it, and Luca raises his hands apologetically. “Hey, it’s a perfectly valid question.”
Yes, for people with a social circle, perhaps. “I’m alone either way. Does it matter to me whether I’m into guys or girls? Neither want anything to do with me.”
Luca looks me over for a while. An unusually long while, by his standards. “What’s his name? Your friend’s with the black hair.”
I give up, it’s no use. Luca won’t let up, it’s not in his DNA, and my strength to fight to keep Dayyan a secret is waning. “Dayyan. And you know he’s not twelve. He’s in my class.”
“Yeah, come on, but he looks really young, he’s so cute and small.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, really? Would you say that to Louis too? He’s even smaller.”
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t suppress the laughter bubbling up from deep inside my stomach. Just the thought of Louis’s reaction is too funny.
“Oh my God, no! No way. Forget what I said.” And with that all the tension between us is gone and we’re laughing almost hysterically together.
Suddenly Luca turns serious. “Do you like Dayyan?”
Damn, how am I supposed to answer that question? “We’re friends.”
Friends who sometimes hold hands, who hug, who give each other feather light kisses on the forehead when the opportunity arises. I try to convince my guilty conscience that this is completely normal, that it’s part of a friendship, but it refuses to believe me.
My heart belongs to Danny, I can’t take it away from him and give it to someone else.
“I saw Dayyan and you holding hands the other day, and how you smiled at him.”
Fuck, why do I lose myself so easily when I’m with Dayyan? “Why are you still asking when you already know everything?”
“Dayyan is an attractive man who is obviously interested in you, and you feel comfortable enough to speak with him. Why do you push him away?”
“It’s complicated.”
“But you like him.” This time it’s not a question, it’s a statement, and I don’t disagree.
“What are you afraid of? What do you have to lose?”
I’m afraid of losing Danny, of him disappearing into the clouds for good, of him not coming at night anymore.
The intervals are already getting longer and longer.
I’m afraid of forgetting him, of forgetting our feelings for each other and with them the only thing left of our relationship, of Danny’s truth.
But I can’t possibly tell Luca that, so I shrug my shoulders once more and hope he accepts it.