Chapter 23
Jannis
“Hey! You’re home. What happened? Dayyan sick of you already?”
“Since when do I need a reason to be home?”
Luca looks at me with raised eyebrows. “When was the last time you were home?”
Good point. “Maybe we just miss each other. You’re not at home much either.”
“Trouble in paradise?” Luca looks at me with genuine concern, no silly jokes. Fuuuck, I really can’t handle him when he’s so sweet and empathetic. He’s asking sincerely, and I can’t bring myself to bullshitting him.
“No trouble.”
“But I can tell something’s off.”
What should I say? That I screwed up, that I fell in love with Dayyan? Because yes, damn it, I did. I didn’t want to, I still don’t, but it happened anyway and I have no idea how to deal with it. “It’s difficult right now, okay?”
“Isn’t he into guys?” I had hoped alluding to my difficult situation would silence him, and I’m annoyed at my own naivety. If anything, I’ve just added fuel to the fire.
“It’s none of your business.” With just one glance, Luca makes it clear that he doesn’t share this sentiment. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
It’s bad enough that I know how messed up I am.
“Jannis...”
“I’m leaving.”
Luca is hurt as I leave him standing there. I know he means well, but what am I supposed to tell him? That I’m cheating on my dead boyfriend? Not going to happen. I look up at the sky, but there’s nothing left for me to see anymore. No blue eyes. Nothing.
I leave the house quickly, and only when I’m standing in front of Dayyan’s garden gate do I realize where my feet have carried me.
No one is home. Dayyan is on a trip with his parents and brothers today.
He didn’t know where they were going, only that he didn’t have time to hang out today.
Is it worth thinking about why I’m standing here?
Why this is the place I come to when I can’t cope with myself anymore? What does that say about me?
I turn around to leave. It’s harder than I thought, and that’s making me so angry.
Hey Danny, I look up at the sky expectantly, but there’s still nothing there. No one. Where are you? I just want to talk to you.
The first tear rolls down my cheek, and I know it won’t be my last. My chest hurts too much.
I’m so sorry, Danny. I don’t know how this could’ve happened.
I didn’t want this, please believe me. My heart beats faster when I think of him, and I think of him all the time.
I can’t help it, my thoughts are spinning, my feelings are completely out of control.
When I close my eyes, I see him. But all I want is to be with you.
I want to dream of you, lie in your arms, like I always did at night.
Just the two of us. I miss you. Don’t I?
Fuck, I don’t know anything anymore. I’m scared of forgetting you.
Will you disappear into nothingness if I can’t hold on to you?
I wipe the tears from my eyes. Being with Dayyan feels so right, so easy.
He makes me laugh. My hands get sweaty and sometimes I can’t get a word out.
Not because of my mutism, but because my heart is pounding so hard in my throat.
It took so long before I could talk to Danny, he was so patient, never pushed me.
Even on our last day, speaking didn’t come easy to me.
My guilty conscience eats deeper and deeper into my heart.
It leaves a trail of destruction, gradually consuming me until I probably just fall apart at some point.
At his grave I promised Danny I’d love him for the rest of my life and never forget him, and now I’m standing here, in the exact same spot, desperately clinging to that promise that I broke long ago. “I’m sorry, Danny. I tried everything. I’m not strong enough.”
Knowing that looking up at the sky no longer works, I close my eyes, hoping to see Danny there, but the eyes I see are not blue, all I see is dark brown. No pain, just warmth and safety, and here and now it feels almost worse.
***
“Where were you?” Luca is still lying by the pool when I come back.
“Out.”
“Oh. I noticed that much, thanks. Where were you?”
“Out.” Even though I know this answer will drive him crazy, I can’t tell him the truth.
“Okay, you asked for it.” He demonstratively takes his phone out of his pocket and starts typing on it. I don’t ask what he’s up to, it’ll happen anyway, and some things I’d rather not know about in advance. I don’t need that stress.
Around 8:30 p.m., the doorbell rings. Papa and I exchange surprised glances and Luca grins smugly to himself as I hear Paps laughing in the hallway.
“What a surprise! We thought we wouldn’t see you until next week. Come in.”
“Ah, looks like there’s a little brother emergency here.” Louis’s voice echoes from the hallway, and if looks could kill, my little brother would be history by now. Papa looks at me intently and Luca grins mischievously. I don’t have the time for this shit, I really don’t.
“Hello, little brother, everything’s okay?”
“Everything’s fantastic.” My voice is a little too sweet, but I don’t care.
“I thought we’d go for a walk and find a nice spot to watch the sunset.”
“Oh, that’s a lovely idea. The weather is perfect today, it’ll be spectacular. Shoo, shoo, get out of here!” I love Paps’s enthusiasm. Five minutes later, we’re sitting in the car.
“You guys realize why Paps wanted to get rid of us so quickly, right?” Luca asks in his usual dry tone. Louis doubles over in laughter in the driver’s seat, and I wonder if it might be safer to pull over until he calms down.
“What do you mean?”
“Tell me you’re joking, Jannis. You’re usually not this slow.” By now, tears are streaming down Louis’s cheeks and I’m feeling increasingly stupid.
“The two of them are looking forward to a round of undisturbed sex on the kitchen island,” Luca speculates. “Or in the pool.”
“Oh, the pool is a good one.” My brothers laugh and throw out all kinds of places where our fathers could have sex.
The mere thought is overwhelming. Maybe because I’ve never had sex, I don’t know.
“Who do you think is top and who is bottom?” Luca asks excitedly.
Without ever having thought about it, I think I know the answer.
“I think Papa is top.” Luca answers his own question so quickly and confidently I briefly doubt myself.
“Why do you think that?”
Luca rolls his eyes exaggeratedly. “Papa is broader and physically superior.”
Louis smiles as he parks the car. “How does it fit with your theory that David is a bottom and I’m the one topping?”
I’m trapped in a box with too much information. How the hell do I ever get out of this?
We walk the same path I walked with Dayyan last week, only about three times faster. We have to, or the sunset will be over before we even reach the white cross. We’ll probably need flashlights on our way back down.
It feels strange to stand with my brothers in the place where Dayyan was in my arms last week. I miss him. In that same second, I realize what I’m thinking. Fuck. No. I try to erase the thought or replace Dayyan with Danny, but it’s not working.
The sky in front of us is fiery red when I give up. Just for today, tomorrow I’ll keep fighting. For today, I’ve lost.
“Luca said something’s wrong with you, but you won’t talk to him.” It’s pitch black around us, only the moon lights up our surroundings so we don’t sink into complete darkness. “His guess is, you’ve fallen in love with the new boy in your class and something’s not working out.”
“Dayyan isn’t the problem.” My answer leaves my mouth too quickly and too defensively, and I can see from my brothers synchronized raised eyebrows that neither of them believes me. But it’s true. He hasn’t done anything wrong so far.
“Then what is it? You were crying this morning, and don’t say you weren’t. I have eyes in my head.” What can I say without telling the whole story?
To buy some time, I pull the hair tie off my wrist and put my curly mane up into a bun at the back of my head.
I hate not being able to talk to my family, and I’m close to just doing it so I’m no longer alone with my fears and my guilty conscience.
But you don’t out someone without their consent, especially when that person can’t ever give their consent and can’t stand up for themselves in the matter. Right?
“This story isn’t just about Dayyan and me. I can’t talk about the other person because they’re not out.” And if I said that this person had died, Luca would immediately put two and two together.
Both nod understandingly, albeit reluctantly. “But Jannis...”
Louis puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close. “If there’s no other way, before you break down, talk to someone. Someone you trust. It doesn’t have to be us, but protecting another person isn’t worth destroying yourself.”
We stare into the darkness for a while longer, above us the stars under us the twinkling lights of our small town. I let my thoughts drift and accept where they take me. To Dayyan.