Chapter 24
Dayyan
“Tomorrow you’re leaving.” Jannis nods slowly and I miss the excitement that was so palpable three weeks ago when we talked about his vacation. “What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited?“
He grimaces and turns away, avoiding my gaze. “Yes, I am. Finally, the whole family together again, it’ll be fun.”
The way he says it, it sounds more like he has a root canal treatment scheduled at the dentist. I reach for his hand and squeeze it tightly. “Don’t worry, I won’t try to find a new friend the next two weeks. I’ll be terribly bored and I’ll miss you. You can text me, so I won't be quite so lonely.”
Due to his job change, my father didn’t get any time off, at least not during the summer holidays.
So no family vacation for us this year. In recent years, I’ve been traveling with friends, but since I knew we were moving, I stayed out of those plans.
Now I’m home for the entire six weeks. That hasn’t been bad so far, because I’ve been out and about with Jannis all the time.
Tomorrow he’s on his way to an island at the French Atlantic coast, so I’ll be really alone for a bit over two weeks.
I’ll miss him. Very much so. Everything between us is still so fragile. I hold his hand, we hug. We laugh together, and we talk about almost everything. We just never talk about us.
“When are you leaving?” I try to distract him.
“Plan is 8:00 a.m., so we’ll be at our stopover just outside Paris at around 4:00 p.m., and the day after tomorrow we’ll be on the island.”
“How long is the trip in total?”
“Fifteen hours with the caravan.” Wow, that’s quite a drive. We’ve usually gone to the North Sea or the Baltic Sea, or to Austria, which was never that far. I’ve been to Berlin, Hamburg, and Cologne with friends, and once to Mallorca.
“Have you ever been at the Atlantic?”
I shake my head, even though I’m not sure if Jannis can see me when he’s staring at his feet. “Will you send me photos?”
What I would give to look inside his head. Some days he’s so open, but today he has put up a wall and not only do I not have the key to the gate, I haven’t even found said gate yet. Maybe there isn’t one, I don’t know.
“Are you serious?” Suddenly, he turns his head toward me and looks at me questioningly.
“Of course. I want to know where you are.” Jannis turns his hand in mine until our fingers intertwine.
“I’ve never had anyone I could send photos to.” And every time I think there’s nothing left from his past that could hurt me, he reveals something like that. His head falls onto my shoulder and I pull him close into my arms.
So far, I haven’t understood when he wants to be close to me and when he wants to keep me at a distance, but I can feel him struggling every time before he lets himself go.
Jannis’s phone vibrates. “Oh, fuck. I have to go home. Need to pack.”
I expect him to get up, but nothing happens. We stay, cuddled up together on the bench. It vibrates two more times in Jannis's pocket.
“I think someone’s serious.”
“You want to get rid of me?” Jannis jumps up and I with him.
I come to a stop right in front of him and he looks me straight in the eye.
Fear fills his gaze, and even though he tries to make his voice sound casual, I know better.
Very gently I brush a wild curl from his forehead and for a split second his eyes close.
I know it’s wrong, I know I shouldn’t do it, but the way he’s standing in front of me, I can’t hold back.
I cup Jannis’s face with both hands and he freezes.
For a moment, he opens his eyes wide, then his eyelids close again.
“I don’t want to get rid of you. Never. On the contrary, I’ll miss you, I mean it. ”
Then I lean forward. My lips touch his, gently at first, tentatively. He doesn’t pull away, and I close the last bit of distance.
My lips are on his. Holy shit. Oh my God. I’m kissing a man, but it doesn’t matter, because all that matters is I’m kissing him. It’s different, but it doesn’t make any difference. I want this so much, and it feels so good.
Jannis’s reaction comes out of nowhere. With both hands on my chest, he pushes me away. “I can’t do this. Fuck.”
And with those words, he turns around and storms off. My first impulse is to go after him, but that would probably make it worse for him. I’ve crossed a line and I don’t want to put any more pressure on him.
“I’m so sorry. I misunderstood the situation. I should’ve asked, I shouldn’t have just kissed you. Can you forgive me? I wish you a wonderful vacation.” I add the emoji with outstretched palms.
Nothing happens.
I’ve been home for a long time when the check marks finally turn blue, but I don’t get a reply.
***
Shortly before eight, my alarm rings, not that I slept a single minute.
When I set it two days ago, I had planned to say goodbye. Give him a quick call or something, I don’t know. Calling is probably out of the question now, even though I’d love to hear his voice, hoping he’d tell me everything’s fine between us.
I type and delete, type and delete. The right words won’t come, everything sounds stiff and wrong. Too awkward, too artificial.
“Hey!” Maybe a voice message would work better. “Um, good morning. I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I can’t undo it, but I would if I could, even if it meant the best kiss of my life would never have happened. Have a good trip and enjoy your time in France. I’m thinking of you.”