Chapter 25
Jannis
What...?
Does he want to...?
Do I want to...?
Oh fuuuck.
Dayyan’s lips touch mine. Just lightly, but enough to make me question everything I knew about kissing. Fireworks explode inside my body, my hands tingle, I want to touch him, want him to touch me. His thumb strokes my cheek lightly, then he deepens the kiss.
I knew Dayyan had full lips, but I never in a million years would’ve expected them to feel so good. So much better than anything I’ve ever... No.
No. It’s a reflex, one I immediately regret, but I can’t take it back. With more force than necessary, I push Dayyan away from me. He stumbles two steps backwards and I want to reach out to him, so he doesn’t fall, but I’m paralyzed.
“I can’t do this.” But I want to so badly. “Fuck.”
I start running without any real plan of where to go, as if I was in a fog. This is definitely not the direct way home, and I am relieved when I somehow arrive at our gate.
“Jannis?” I hear a voice and feel a hand on my upper arm. “Hey! What happened?”
Luca. Damn, the universe is out to get me, isn’t it? Why not Papa? Why Luca?
“I have to pack.” Hoping he won’t follow me, I leave him standing in the driveway and walk toward the house.
“You needed to pack two hours ago, ten more minutes won’t hurt. What’s going on?” He’s worried, I can hear it in his voice, but I can’t talk to him, no matter how much I want to fall into his arms and cry. I can’t.
“Nothing. Leave me alone, please.”
“Dayyan and you, are you fighting? Did he treat you badly? No shit, I’ll take care of it if he...”
I raise my hand reassuringly. “He didn’t do anything wrong and we didn’t fight. It’s me. I want to... so much, but I can’t, I just can’t. Do you understand?”
Luca looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind, and I don’t blame him. Unfiltered bullshit is pouring out of my mouth, at least that’s how it must sound to him. “Let me go. Please.”
In a surprising move, Luca pulls me toward him and wraps both arms around my body. He holds me tight, my head resting on his shoulder, and it takes every last ounce of strength I have left not to break down and cry.
I have no idea what I packed, I may have to stock up at the Intermarché on the island, or at Decathlon. Apparently, I carried clothes into the caravan, because neither Papa nor Paps said anything. My swim trunks are in there, both of them. That’s all I need anyway.
It’s just dawn when Papa wakes me up. “Wake up, Janni. It’s time to leave.”
I haven’t been sleeping, at least not that I can remember.
“Is it because of Dayyan?” No one else in this family understands how I feel as well as he does. I nod.
“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. If you’d rather spend your time here with Dayyan, that’s okay with us.”
Shaking my head, I sit up. This isn’t a good idea. I don’t want distance, not at all, but I need it to figure out who my heart belongs to.
“Dayyan, it belongs to Dayyan,” my subconscious screams, and I grimace. I have to get away, far away. Maybe my stupid heart will just forget about Dayyan if we don’t see each other for two weeks.
“Definitely not.” Fuck.
I let myself fall back onto the bed.
“If you come with us, we need your bedding in the caravan. Do you want anything to eat? Coffee?”
“Coffee in a thermos mug?”
Papa nods. “I’ll take care of it.”
“Thanks, Papa.” He’s almost out the door when he turns around with a questioning look. “For not asking any questions.”
With three long strides, he is back at my bedside, sitting down on the edge of my bed, and I fall into his arms. “I trust you to know I’ll always be there for you when you need me and that you will come when you are ready.”
“I love you, Papa.” My voice breaks, but Papa holds me.
“I love you too, Janni, to the moon and back.”
***
We are driving across the River Rhine when my phone vibrates. A voice message. Oh fuck. It’s bad enough reading his texts. Hearing his voice... I can’t handle that. Not here in a car with my family, not without bursting into tears, and I don’t want that.
Cars pass me by, meadows, fields, cows. As the traffic increases, I know we’re close to Paris. Not long now until our stopover.
“Papa?” I’m standing by a tree at the edge of our pitch. My phone speaks for me; there are too many people within earshot, at least that’s how it feels to me. He looks up immediately. “Do you need my help, or can I...”
I point my head away from the pitch, in no particular direction, just away. Papa understands me without many words, it’s always been that way, and he nods.
My feet carry me to the bank of the river flowing alongside the campsite, and I find a spot far away from the footpath.
The voice message is still staring at me from my display.
Tears well up in my eyes. I want to hear Dayyan’s voice, warm and soft.
It sounds silly, but there’s always a smile in it when he’s speaking.
I don't know how he does it, but it always rubs off on me. I can’t help but smile when I’m with him.
Sometimes I don’t recognize myself anymore.
That relaxed, cheerful side of me was always reserved exclusively for my family. Even when I was with Danny. I press play.
“Hey! Um, good morning. I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I can’t undo it, but I would if I could, even if it meant the best kiss of my life would never have happened. Have a good trip and enjoy your time in France. I’m thinking of you.”
Fuck.
My lips tremble and I squeeze my eyes shut to hold back the inevitable. The first drops turn into a trickle and eventually I give up. My whole body shakes, my head resting on my knees.
The best kiss of my life. Same for me, even though I don’t want to accept it. I’m torn between everything I feel for Dayyan and this gnawing guilt.
And I’m angry. Why did you just die? Why didn’t you just break up with me? Why didn’t you set me free? Why? And now you’re not even here when I talk to you? Why aren’t you here anymore?!
I regret my thoughts the moment I send them out into the universe, but I can’t take them back.
At some point, my tears stop flowing and I lift my head, hoping to see Danny’s eyes in the blue of the sky, but nothing. Instead, I see Valérie leaning against a tree, maybe fifteen yards away from me. Damn it.
Their family is also going to ?le de Saint émile, we always travel together.
Why Val of all people? With their big, piercing blue eyes, V is looking at me, right into my head and, even worse, right into my heart. I wait for a reaction, but nothing happens, neither of us moves, and I look back at the water. When I turn around again, Valérie is gone.
***
“Paps, can we switch seats?” I have to smile, even though I don’t feel like it. When we took Luca to ?le de Saint émile for the first time four years ago, Paps rolled down the window for the last hour and gave him his seat. It’s been a ritual ever since.
For Luca, it was the first vacation of his life. He had seen many different places before, but he had never been anywhere voluntarily, and I remember exactly how nervous he was to leave the safety of our home. When it became clear we were going on vacation, Luca suddenly became very quiet.
It was only in this last hour that he was able to let go.
“Look how small the houses are!”
“Can you smell that? What is it?”
And when we drove over the high bridge to the island, there was a long silence. Papa put his hand on his shoulder. “C'est tout bon.”
“La mer.”
And this time, too, Paps and Luca push past each other in our VW Multivan.
“It was easier last year. How much have you grown?” Paps laughs and plops down in Luca’s seat.
For quite a while, we don’t smell anything, we’re still too far inland.
Then suddenly, the first breath of salty sea air blows into the car.
Smiling, I turn to the window and enjoy the landscape passing by.
I know my way around by now. Just through the next small town, then over the bridge.
I’m always happy sitting on the left side with a clear view when the vast expanse of the Atlantic Ocean spreads out in front of us for the first time. So beautiful.
The scent changes as soon as we reach the island, pine now mingling with salt, and I close my eyes.
***
“Can I leave the table?” I hold my phone under Papa’s nose.
There are too many people sitting at this table, I won’t be talking much for the next two weeks.
Usually, that doesn’t bother me. I really like everyone here – yes, even Val, somehow – but right now I can’t deal with people, I just want to be alone.
My father nods and I get up. My feet know where to take me, there’s only one option. I’m yearning for this moment when my bare feet touch the soft sand, and the waves break against my legs.
I sit in the twilight watching the last rays of sunlight disappear behind the horizon. A couple walks through my field of vision, holding hands. Louis and David. My heart aches. If only Dayyan was here...