Chapter 26
Dayyan
Jannis got my message, the two blue ticks don’t lie, but no reply yet. Shit. I fall back, my pillow catching my momentum, and I stare at the ceiling. It’s been two days and I miss him.
“What have you done??? We had an agreement!”
I don’t ask him how he found me. Jannis has twelve followers, and I’m one of them. But now I’m paralyzed—is Jannis okay? I don’t know what to do or how to answer.
“Why are you asking?” I wait a few minutes, but when he doesn’t reply, I put my phone away.
After hours of silence, my phone vibrates again during dinner. My heart skips a beat hoping it’s a message from Jannis, but my head knows it’s Luca.
“Because he’s like a different person. He doesn’t mess around in the pool, if he even joins us. He hasn’t laughed once since we’ve arrived. Something’s wrong. He doesn’t talk to anyone.”
Fuck. What have I done? Why couldn’t I hold back?
“Sweetie?” Shit, my mother is talking to me.
“Yes?”
“Where are you with your thoughts? Do you want some more couscous?”
“Is there feta in it?” When I don’t get an answer, I look at Mom, who looks at me blankly but amused. Did I say something stupid? Oh, damn it.
“Dayyan, you’ve already eaten a plateful, you should know what’s in it, don’t you think?” That might be true, theoretically. Practically speaking, I have no idea what I just put into my mouth.
“I don’t want any more, thank you.” That definitely puts me on the safe side. Dad smiles, probably because my mother looks so stunned. Fuck, I just want this to be over, I just want to go back to my room.
I’m staring at the ceiling when there’s a knock and my mother pokes her head through the doorway. “May I come in?”
“You are already in. You basically made the decision for me when you just opened the door. You could’ve waited until I said to come in.”
My mother rolls her eyes dramatically. “That’s what I get for raising my children with the self-confidence to speak up.” Her voice softens. “Joking aside, Dayyan. May I sit with you?”
Instead of answering, I slide over to make room.
“Spill.” She always does that, and the worst part is, it works. That’s her magic spell to get me talking.
“I screwed up. I moved too fast, I thought it was okay, but it wasn’t, and now he’s not talking to me. I sent him a voice message, but he’s not replying. I ruined everything.”
“Sweetie, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s about Jannis, I assume?”
I hide my eyes under my arm. If I can’t see my mother, she can’t see me either. Obviously, right? The logic of a one-year-old—or someone lovesick—doesn’t actually have to make sense. “Who else?”
“Just wanted to be sure. What happened?”
“I kissed him.”
“How did you feel about it?” Why does my mother ask such stupid questions? How I felt about it is completely irrelevant. Jannis obviously felt terrible.
“What does that matter? Jannis is gone.”
“And you’re sad about that?”
Seriously? Does she ask her patients such unnecessary questions too? “It was the best kiss of my life, and before you ask, no, it didn’t feel weird to kiss a man. Different, but not weird. We’ve grown so close over the last few weeks, the kiss just felt inevitable.”
“So you kissed Jannis, what happened then?”
“At first, everything was fine. He was a little startled, or surprised, but then I thought he was relaxing. Suddenly he pushed me away and ran off. We haven’t been in touch since.”
Mom puts her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Not many people accept their newly discovered sexuality so openly.”
Not helpful right now. Not helpful at all. “Mom, can you turn off professional mode and just be my mother? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pressure him, but I also don’t want him to think I’m giving up so quickly. How long should I wait before I text him again?”
My mother smiles. “You’ve really fallen hard.”
“It wasn’t planned. I knew from the start that his heart belonged to someone else. But then we just got closer and closer.” And now he’s gone.
“Maybe this distance is an opportunity for you? To see if you both really want more, or if Jannis doesn’t feel the same way you do.” I don’t want to think that far ahead. But maybe my mother is right.
“What should I do?”
“Text him. Tell him how you feel and that he has all the time in the world. Be there for him, but don’t set any expectations.”
When she says it, it sounds so simple.
“Dear Jannis...”
My phone vibrates. Luca. “My question still stands. He cried! What did you do!?”
My heart sinks. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I only kissed him. If I had known it would turn out like this, I would’ve never done it. I thought he wanted it too. But I can’t text any of this to Luca.
“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” I press send and go back to my original message.
“Dear Jannis.” Now what? I’ve already said everything.
“You don’t have to reply. Not if you don’t feel like it.
I just want you to know how much you mean to me.
It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way about me.
I fell for you, hard. I couldn’t help it and I don’t want to change it.
Take all the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.
No matter what happens, you’re my friend, and that won’t ever change. Love, Dayyan.”
To be on the safe side, I read the message again, but everything I wrote is true. With trembling fingers, I press send.
Now it’s out of my hands. Patience isn’t one of my best traits, but I understand that he needs time, that it’s difficult for him to allow himself to feel these new emotions. Danny occupies a large place in Jannis’s heart, and that’s okay. The question is, is there still a little corner left for me?