Chapter 27
Jannis
“Hey, what are you doing... Oh, shit, you’re crying. I wasn’t sure the last couple days, but...” Valérie falls to their knees in front of me and for a moment I fear V might touch me. We don’t have that kind of relationship, so thankfully Val pulls their hands back.
Valérie has been following me around for three days. I have no idea why. So far, I’ve always been able to shake Val off, but I wasn’t so lucky today.
“I know you don’t like me, but I have to ask you this, whether you answer me or not, okay? What happened?”
I don’t know why Valérie and I don’t get along.
We’ve known each other for twelve years, but it’s been difficult from the start.
As a child, Val was open and exuberant, and everyone immediately loved the cute curly-haired girl with the bright blue eyes.
It was always too much for me. Now things are different.
V is different, completely themselves regardless of the consequences, despite all the gossip, and I always feel like I can’t keep up with V.
Valérie’s had a few tough years at school.
Not in our class, but there are almost a thousand other students, and not all of them were able or willing to deal with Val’s coming out.
But V never backed down, no matter how bad it got.
They were provocative to the core, with an indestructible self-confidence that’s mistakenly interpreted as arrogance, and many people feel attacked by V.
V has acquaintances, but no real friends.
I have neither. Dayyan’s image appears before my inner eye, his warm dark eyes, his gentle smile. My stomach tingles, my chest tightens, and my eyes well up again. My phone feels heavy in my hands. He fell for me.
“Can I sit with you?” I haven’t even answered their first question and V is already asking the second, and without waiting for my answer, Val sinks down into the sand next to me.
Silence descends upon us. It’s not uncomfortable or disturbing.
The waves are crashing in the background, people laugh and shout in the distance.
V fiddles with their hands, playing with their fingernails.
Something that would’ve driven me crazy a few months ago suddenly makes me smile.
I watch as their fingertips dance together in a precise choreography.
“I think I’m in love.” Startled, I flinch, and so does Val next to me.
“You have a beautiful voice. So much deeper than I ever imagined.” I spoke. It wasn’t a conscious decision. “But hey, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
No, it’s not, it’s a disaster. It feels like the worst thing that could’ve happened to me after the very worst thing already did happen. Not like total apocalypse, but I’m not sure if Europe and Africa can still be saved. Desperately, I shrug my shoulders.
“Doesn’t she feel the same about you?”
I snort and let my head fall to my chest. “He does. And that’s not the problem.”
“Oh, fuck. I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry. Okay, he feels something for you too, then?”
“Yes, but... I don’t have much experience with this.” At least not as much as Valérie. I’ve seen V with men quite a few times. “Why are you even interested in this? Why do you care?”
“I’ve always cared about you.” For a split second, something like melancholy flickers in their eyes, a reaction I don’t understand.
“You always teased me, always did things you knew I hated, and constantly provoked me. You don’t like me.”
Two big blue eyes look at me, not letting go of my gaze. Val swallows visibly, and I expect their gaze to turn away, but I’m wrong. With one hand, V reaches into their short dark curls, pulling the strands out of their face, and something in their body language makes me doubt my assumption.
“You like boys, huh?”
“You do too.” A short, loud laugh breaks the uncomfortable silence, and I have to smile.
“Is it Dayyan?”
Oh, are we that obvious? “What makes you think that?”
“Well, I’ve never seen you with anyone else but him. You...” V lowers their head and twists the corners of their mouth into a bitter smile that I can’t quite grasp. “You laugh when you’re with him. You seem, I don’t know, somehow more relaxed with him, more at ease.”
That’s true, everything is easy with Dayyan.
And my heart sinks. My guilty conscience kicks in again because it never felt that way with Danny.
But maybe it would’ve felt that way if we’d had the time.
I’m sure, absolutely sure, we just never had the chance to get there.
If Danny was still here, I wouldn’t have met Dayyan. Right?
Fuck, why does that thought feel so damn wrong?
“Jannis, what’s going on?” Valérie takes my hands firmly. It’s the first we’ve touched, and I’m surprised by the warmth and calm they convey to me. “Are you confused because it’s your first time being in love?”
I shake my head and there they are again, the tears.
“For the first time in love with a man?”
“That’s not it. I’ve known for a long time that I’m into guys.”
Confused, Val furrows her brows. “But... Okay, you lost me. You had a boyfriend before? Who? You don’t have to answer that if it’s too personal. But I’m at your place like all the time. How could I’ve missed that?”
Because we never had the chance to make it official.
Because he was gone from one day to the next, because he left me alone with all this shit.
And now I don’t know what to do because I miss him, because I long for him.
His open laugh, the boundless curiosity in his eyes when he touched me, how we had no idea what we were actually doing.
And because I don’t miss him as much as I did three months ago.
Because I miss someone else more. My lower lip is trembling, I can feel it, my shoulders are following suit, but I don’t want to break down, not in front of Val.
“What are we doing here, anyway? We’re not friends. We’re not. We...”
“Who?”
“Danny.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Valérie turn their head toward me in a flash. The question marks dissolve first into realization, then into shock.
“Danny Maier? Who was in our class? Who died.” I nod. “I didn’t know he was into guys. Wait, you were together when that happened?” I nod again. “Fuck. And no one knew.” No question. “Does anyone know now?”
“Dayyan.”
“You carried that around with you for over three years? Shit, I’m so sorry.” Me too, but I don’t say that. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? Not even your family?”
“I couldn’t just out Danny without asking him first.”
“But you can’t ask him anymore. You’re still here, and it sounds like you need to share your feelings before you ruin yourself. You told me, after all.”
Maybe I just never felt bad enough. I kind of came to terms with my situation. Now my situation has changed, and everything is falling apart.
“And now you’ve fallen in love with Dayyan? So, what’s the problem?”
“It feels like I’m betraying Danny. The more I’m with Dayyan, the more my memories fade. He doesn’t come to me at night anymore when I dream, and I only see him so faintly when I look up at the sky, if at all. I lost him once, I can’t lose him a second time, he can’t be gone for good.”
Valérie smiles gently—it’s such a soft expression, and I realize I don’t know this side of V.
“The people who loved us are never really gone. Just because we can’t see them anymore doesn’t mean they’ve left us alone.
They are always there, in the sound of the waves, in a warm breeze on cold skin, in the rustling of the trees.
Danny was so close to you the whole time because he knew you needed him.
Now he’s letting you go. He’s moving on because he knows you’re going to be okay with Dayyan.
He’ll come visit you, I promise, and it will be beautiful. ”
Goosebumps spread across my skin, and my heart beats a little faster. Hope longs to creep into my soul, but I’m afraid to let it. “How do you know that?”
“My mother.”