Chapter 29
Jannis
My phone vibrates again and the corners of my mouth lift all by themselves. I don’t need to look to know that it’s Dayyan texting me. No one else does. A picture of Flocke and Dayyan’s brothers fills my screen. “Have you met my big, dangerous dog yet?”
The snorting laugh is out before I can even think about it.
This morning he texted that he misses me.
.. I feel the same way. At least in these moments when I can admit to myself how I feel about Dayyan.
In these moments I’m happy when he’s messaging me.
Valérie’s words spin in my head. “Danny is letting you go.”
I want to believe V so much, and sometimes I can, but other times not, it’s not that easy. Maintaining the facade is getting harder by the minute.
As long as I’m with my family, I somehow manage to fight my way through, but when I’m alone with Val, I break down.
Sometimes I’d like nothing more than to swim out into the ocean until I can’t swim anymore and just drift away.
Far away from all the noise in my head. So far, I’ve always rejected the idea, drowning isn’t really my thing.
“Hey, Jannis! Wanna play? We need another player.” Chrissi waves enthusiastically from the pool, and I can’t say no. Not to him, not when he volunteers for something like this.
Chrissi is the older son of Nika and élias.
At fourteen he’s two years younger than Luca and.
.. I know it sounds stupid when I say it, but Chrissi is special.
Quiet, reserved, a dancer, like his mother.
He loses himself in music, but is quickly overwhelmed by normal life.
Too bright, too much going on in his head.
Things are better at school now, but the first few years were difficult, at least from what I’ve heard.
He usually prefers to keep to himself. I nod quickly and slide into the water.
“Cool. Will you play with David and me?” I give him a thumbs up to confirm.
We play against Luca, Louis, and Maxi, Chrissi’s younger brother, who, at twelve, is already almost as tall as me. His name is very appropriate.
The game is wild and completely without rules, everyone is fighting for the ball regardless of the consequences.
This is what happens when people who’ve known each other for many years and have no reservations about physical contact play against each other.
It’s fun and crazy and special. Louis jumps on me from behind and pushes me under the surface.
At first, I’m shocked that he can jump so high, then suddenly everything goes quiet, all the is noise muffled.
For the first time in days, there is silence in my head.
I want to stay down here, and never resurface into this chaos that is my life right now.
I close my eyes, let myself drift until two strong arms grab me and pull me back to reality.
“Are you okay? Shit, did I hurt you?”
I quickly shake my head and make the sign for okay. Louis eyes me for two more seconds, then swims back to his side of the pool.
It’s late afternoon when my phone vibrates. Valérie is looking at me questioningly and I nod.
“Why are you not texting back?”
“I already replied earlier.” Only with emojis, but no one needs to know that, right?
“This is a new message, you can reply again.”
“I know that myself, but it’s difficult.”
“Why?” There’s no judgment in their voice, just genuine interest, giving me the courage to answer honestly.
“Because I’m afraid of what it means. I feel like I’m standing between a new beginning and a farewell. I’m much closer to the farewell than new beginning—and I’m not ready to say goodbye to Danny yet. I don’t want to let go of his memories, I’m not ready yet.”
Valérie tilts their head thoughtfully and furrows their brows. “You don’t have to let go of him. He can still have a place with you.”
I must look pretty stupid right now, because Val laughs briefly. “Okay, listen. You love your parents, right?”
What a question, of course I love my parents. I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened to me if they hadn’t taken me in and adopted me after my mother shot up some shit for the last time. I would have fallen out of the system six months ago, on my eighteenth birthday.
“And yet your mother still has a place in your heart, even after all these years. You haven’t forgotten her.”
Phew, that’s a bold statement. I remember my mother, a person who shared an apartment with me, but there is no sadness, no pain, never has been.
I remember the bottomless panic paralyzing me when they took me out of the apartment.
I remember the doctors with their cold hands examining me from head to toe.
I had never been touched before, at least not that I could remember.
The first warm touch in my life I received from Papa.
I pretended to be asleep when Paps and he came to pick me up.
Papa gently put his hand on my shoulder and I flinched.
“It’s me, Adrien. We’re going home. Everything will be fine, no matter what happens, we’ll get through it.
” My stomach fills with warmth at the memory.
When I think about my mother, everything remains frosty cold.
I shake my head decisively. “My mother has no place in my heart.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Val’s lips moving, but no sound emerges.
“You don’t have to feel sorry for me. I’m fine.
She probably saved my life with her overdose.
The worst part was the adjustment, suddenly having people around me who actually care about me, who care that I’m okay, who talk to me. ”
“Okay, but I know it’s different with Lou. He loves your fathers, but his mother still has that big place in his heart.” Valérie is right. “My mother will always have a place in my heart too, even if I can’t remember her.”
Valérie was still a baby when their mother took her own life, and V came to live with their fathers.
“I have no images of her in my mind, no shared memories. I don’t remember if she combed my hair or dried my tears, but I am grateful for the time we had together because I know she loved me.
Even though she couldn’t stay. At least not physically. ”
Danny loved me too.
Danny couldn’t stay either.
“Danny doesn’t have to leave his place in your heart for Dayyan to find one. Dayyan isn’t taking Danny’s place. Everyone just moves a little closer together.”
“Promise?” That sounds too good to be true. But maybe there is no universal truth, maybe truth means something different to everyone. And if it’s true for Valérie, maybe it can be true for me too. My heart beats a little faster, almost as if it wants to tell me, “Go for it, I can do this.”
I close my eyes and I feel them, Dayyan’s lips gently on mine. It’s hard to remember the sensation, but I know the memory is real and I know I pushed him away. “Dayyan kissed me and I just ran away. He sent me a voice message saying he fell for me, but I didn’t reply, at least not properly.”
“What do you mean, not properly?”
“I sent him a heart emoji.”
Valérie takes a deep breath. “It could be worse. Text him now.”
I shake my head decisively again. “I’m not good with words, I want to see him.”
A grin suddenly flashes across Val’s face. I’m about to ask what’s going on, but V jumps up. “I have to go. Shower. Sorry.”
It’s an excuse, and Val knows that I know it, but V is gone less than ten seconds later.