Chapter 41
Jannis
“Come on, take another sip. Just a little one.” But Dayyan is so exhausted, he just shakes his head and his mouth remains shut, like his eyes.
My head is resting on his chest, and I can hear his heart beating loudly and steadily. “It’s all right, sunshine. It’s just the flu. Don’t worry.”
But I am worried. The last time I didn’t worry, my boyfriend died, from one day to the other. That’s not going to happen to me again. Not that. Not with Dayyan. I wouldn’t survive that.
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
“Are you completely crazy? You have a fever of 104°F and chills.”
Dayyan smiles weakly. “Body aches too.”
“You’re going to take some ibuprofen and then sleep it off, ma lune. No discussion. I’m here with you, I won’t leave you alone, not for a second. I’ll take care of you.”
“Thank you, sunshine. I love you.”
My fear grows the longer this fever lasts. Why is he saying he loves me? Is he worse than he’s telling me? Is he saying goodbye to me?
“Do you have a headache?”
“No, not worse than usual.” Not reassuring.
“A stiff neck?”
Exhausted, Dayyan shakes his head. “Doesn’t hurt.”
“Then sleep now.” Dayyan curls up on his side, and I kiss his forehead and lie down behind him. He feels so small and fragile in my arms, trembling and drenched in sweat.
I must’ve fallen asleep, because when I come to me again, Dayyan is still lying on my chest, but he’s no longer trembling. I feel his forehead with my lips and the ibuprofen seems to be working. He’s calm and cool. That’s a good sign. I can risk going to the bathroom. Just quickly.
“How is he?” Dayyan’s mother is standing in the hallway, looking worried, when I come out of his room.
“He took ibuprofen and fell asleep. His fever was very high, but it’s gone down now. He ate and drank something earlier. I just need to go to the bathroom quickly.”
“Come with me, sit with me for a few minutes. I’ll make you a coffee.”
I don’t want to leave Dayyan alone, but I also don’t want to be rude and decline his mother’s offer. After all, his parents are allowing me to be with him around the clock.
“I know why you’re here, and I also know why you can’t leave him alone, Jannis.
Dayyan told me about your boyfriend. Danny, that’s his name, right?
” Shocked, I stare at her. “Dayyan didn’t want to betray your trust, but he was so in love with you and just didn’t know what to do. I hope you can forgive him.”
My vision is blurring. Not for the first time in the last 48 hours, but never this badly. I feel like I’m breaking down, my lower lip is trembling.
“Would you like to tell me about Danny?”
“Danny is dead. We thought it was just a bad cold, but instead he had bacterial meningitis. We saw each other on Thursday, and he died Saturday night. He was in the hospital. Why couldn’t they help him?
They knew what he had. Why?” I cry, I sob.
.. and I talk. Oh. My gaze falls on the phone in my hand.
The app is open, but I obviously haven’t used it.
“You have a beautiful voice, Jannis. Thank you for letting me hear it.” She reaches for my hand and squeezes it tightly.
“Sometimes things happen that defy all logic, which is why it is particularly difficult for us to accept and process them. That’s why you’re not leaving Dayyan alone.
You’re holding on to him, something you failed to do with Danny.
At least, that’s how it feels for you.” I nod silently.
She’s right, every word of it. “The problem is that’s not how life works.
We can’t hold on to it. The only thing we can do is enjoy our time here, make the most of every day, and show the people we love how much they mean to us.
No one knows when their time is up, and that’s a good thing.
We all live with the hope we still have plenty of time. ”
My voice trembles as I answer. So much so I'm not sure she can even understand me. “I’m so scared. And I know I couldn’t change anything if it were to happen, but I can’t do this again.”
“I understand, and as I said, I don’t know what the future holds for us, but for now, I’m very optimistic Dayyan will get back on his feet.”
I take the last sip of my coffee. “Thanks for that... and everything else. I... I’m going back to him. I don’t want him to be alone when he wakes up.”
When Dayyan’s mother calls after me again, I’m already standing at his door. “Jannis, I’m glad you two found each other. You’re good together.”
My heart isn’t lighter as I slip back under the covers with Dayyan, but it feels like as if my fears have been given a place, a justification, a classification. I put my hand on Dayyan’s chest, pull him close to me, feel his strong, steady heartbeat.
“You’re back.”
“I’m sorry, your mother...”
“Of course my mother, who else.” I hear the smile in his voice and press my head against his neck.
“She’s great.”