Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
Seeing my grandmother made my soul bubble. I loved her deeply and I loved her wholly. Aside from a cousin living on the other side of Huffington State, and a few other distant relatives, she was the only family I knew. Neither my mother nor father had large families. It was the sole reason that I planned to be fruitful when my time finally came.
“I have to get going, Granny. Work starts in a bit and I need to make a stop. It’s my coworker’s birthday and I can’t walk in empty-handed.”
She was lucid. It wasn’t often she was, but those moments, I cherished.
“Just a minute now, baby.”
“What is it?” I tittered, trying to keep up with her. She was moving around the room with so much urgency.
She shuffled through a small trunk she’d pulled from underneath her bed. I hovered over her, trying to get a glimpse of what was inside. However, she was making it quite difficult as she swatted at me.
“Get back. This will all be yours when the time comes.”
“Okay. Okay.”
I stepped back, waiting for her to expose whatever she’d chosen. When she finally did, the smile that tore a slit between my top and bottom lips couldn’t be contained.
“This was your father’s necklace. Your mother had it made for him as a wedding gift. He wore it proudly, every single day until she got him a better one. After I noticed she’d replaced the old one, I asked to have it. I was saving it just for you, Icy.”
“Grannnnnny. Thank you. It’s so pretty.”
“Isn’t it?”
She popped the locket open and showed me separate pictures of my mother and father, each on one side of the small circles.
“Look at them, young and full of love.”
Her memory was shallow, but she remembered some good parts of her life, my father’s life, and mine when her mind was in the right place.
“Reminds me of you and that one you’re seeing,” she said, catching me off guard.
I was unsure if she remembered Makai, the few times he’d visited with me, or the degree of our relationship.
“Makai?”
“Who else would I be talking about, Icy?”
“I jus—nothing. Why do we remind you of Mom and Dad?”
I stared at the gold necklace, admiring my mother’s beauty. She was striking. I’d inherited her entire face, almost. Parts of my father were infused, but not many.
“Even a blind man can see the adoration in that boy’s eyes for you. He’s such a lost soul. It’s written all over his face. And what you offer him, no one else will ever be able to. You don’t require him to travel the distance.
“You meet him where he is and he accommodates you for the journey. You two are selfless when it comes to each other and that’s how I know you’ll make it through whatever has been put in front of you. Just have faith, and most of all, have patience.”
How she knew that there was a storm pulling us in different directions was beyond me. I didn’t care to dwell. I’d been feeling the weight of our circumstances a lot more lately and was hoping that our storm would pass soon.
I missed Makai dearly. I’d gone from seeing his handsome face daily and lying next to him in bed to brief calls and check-ins every few days. Though contact was inconsistent, I never once felt his love waver. When I had a moment to talk to him, I could hear it in his tone and the words he shared with me.
“Thank you, Granny.”
“It’ll get better. Just wait and see.”
“I know.”
With a head tilt, I agreed.
“Now, get out of here and get to work. Where do you work again?”
“Berkeley Presby, Granny.”
“What you do there, baby?”
She’d snapped out of it instantly, reverting to her forgetful self that I still held so much love for.
“I’m a nurse.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and I have to get to work.”
“Yes. Of course, baby, you told me that. I’m sorry for keeping you so long.”
“It’s fine. I love you, old lady.”
“I love you, too, Icy. Bring me some of that candy I love next time. Your dad said he was on his way, but?—”
“He left it in the drawer beside your bed. You had fallen asleep so he left it there for you. Remember, one! Two if you’re really craving something sweet.”
“All right. If you talk to him, tell him I’ve been trying to call him.”
“I will.”
With my heart in shambles, I left my grandmother and headed to pick up the cake from the bakery for Tony. Because he was a rather simple man, his requests were simple. Gift cards, that was all he wanted. I decided to add a cake and personal birthday card to appease myself more than him. Either way, I knew he’d love and accept them both.
My new accessory rolled around my skin as I trekked through Martain’s, the private supermarket in the heart of Berkeley. Though it wasn’t near my home or the hospital, it was a few miles away from my grandmother’s nursing home and on my route.
The bakery to grab the cake was my first stop. I arrived to find a small line forming. Because there was only one employee fulfilling orders and checking customers out, the service was substantially slower than usual. I checked the time on my phone screen.
I should be fine , I thought, preparing for the wait. The line moved up a notch as soon as I got in. The person standing at the counter had received their order and was headed in my direction, pushing a cart and carrying a belly in front of her that made my brows hike on my face, rushing toward my hairline. Completely caught off guard, I found myself gawking at the round belly of Valencia.
The cart she pushed stopped mere feet away from me. I moved forward in line, hoping the message was clear. Since the night everything was exposed, I had yet to speak with Valencia. Seeing as though she was standing in front of me, very pregnant, with a stomach that would’ve matched mine had I continued my pregnancy, left me flabbergasted.
“Glacier,” she called out to me.
She hadn’t gotten the point. She hadn’t realized talking to her was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Can we talk?”
“I’m not sure what we’re supposed to talk about, Valencia.”
“Everything.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m well, you’re well… what more is there to discuss?”
“I’m sorry, okay?”
I stood silently, unable to respond.
“I am.”
“Congratulations on the baby, Valencia. I pray that you’re having a safe, healthy pregnancy and that your child lives a happy, healthy life. As for me, pretend I don’t exist because that’s what I’ve done for the last six months with you. There are absolutely no hard feelings. I simply feel nothing.”
“The first time it happened, we were both drunk. He was taking me home because I’d had a little too much to drink and couldn’t drive home. He was at the same club. He helped me inside and it kind of just—it just happened.
“And after the first time, though I felt so guilty, I just couldn’t stop. We couldn’t stop. One thing led to another, and the next thing I know, we were repeating the crazy shit to each other. Things that we shouldn’t have been to express feelings we shouldn’t have had for one another. I’m so sorry, Glacier.”
“You’re not sorry for what you did, Valencia. You’re sorry it was me that got caught in the crossfire. However, you wouldn’t change it if you could. You wouldn’t go back to that night and change a single thing. You had sex with your best friend’s boyfriend and you loved it.
“You loved it so much that you couldn’t stop yourself from doing it again and again and again until eventually, feelings got involved and a child was conceived. You’re in love, Valencia. I can see it in your eyes even now. How I didn’t see it the last eight months of my relationship with Nelson, I don’t know. But I can honestly tell you that I’m happy for you. Just stay safe. Not all that glitters is gold, Valencia.”
Stepping closer, she responded with a whisper, “I know.”
“If you’d excuse me, I have a schedule to stay on.”
I moved up in line again, leaving her behind me.
“Congratulations!” she yelled.
I didn’t budge as the words tore through my core. They were the words I’d wanted to hear from her that day back in May when I walked across the stage. The energy I promised not to give Valencia began brewing in my chest, not allowing me to remain silent. I marched toward her, not stopping until her belly brushed against my flat tummy and my face was inches away from hers.
“Congratulations? Congratulations?”
Foreign emotions brought along foreign words that were absent from my vocabulary but felt justified at the moment. Valencia didn’t deserve me in my purest form. She deserved the lesser version of me, the one she’d quickly birthed with her presence and ignorance.
“You stupid, malicious, backstabbing bitch. You don’t get to congratulate me now. Hadn’t you been sucking my man’s dick and fucking him like he was the last on earth, then you could’ve been right there, waiting for me when I got off the stage to congratulate me.
“You would’ve been at the dinner that I wanted with just the three of us because you two were all I had. But you weren’t. I left my ceremony with uncertainty and in a pair of socks with no transportation and no clue how I’d get back home. I left my graduation in so much pain that it hurt to even speak. It hurt to think. It hurt to exist. So, no, you don’t get to congratulate me, Valencia.
“I was nothing but good to you. I’ve only ever been in your corner. I loved you like you were my sister. You had no business shitting on me the way you did. You had no business breaking my heart the way you did. You had no right to do that to me. Nelson is a man. I’ve grown to expect things from those creatures. I could’ve dealt with him cheating the same way I am now—by moving on with my life.
“Breakups happen. But you, Valencia. To know that it was you he was cheating with is just… It’s foul! Again, breakups happen, but friendship breakups—that is pain on an entirely different level. I mourned us more than I mourned Nelson and me. I cried for us. I wept for us. You broke my heart way worse than that man ever could.”
I left her with those words, marching toward the line. I was pissed that I’d let her take me there and even more upset I’d lost my spot in line while tapping into the energy she evoked.
Bitch! I huffed, feeling the pain of it all resurface.
“Next!”
Finally, a second set of hands had come to the bakery to help. I retrieved the cake I’d come for and headed to U-Scan where Valencia was checking out. The blaring of her phone silenced after a few seconds. I halted at the sound of Nelson’s voice after she answered the FaceTime call.
“Where you at, baby?”
“I’m on my way. I’m leaving the grocery store. I just picked up the cake.”
“Aight. I’m headed that way, too. I could’ve stopped by the store. Shit, it’s on the way.”
“No. No stops, remember?”
The mention of Makai, though his name wasn’t stated, elevated my heart rate.
“Fuck that nigga.”
“I just sa?—”
I cleared my throat, grabbing her attention. Shaking my head, I forbid her from mentioning my name because I knew it was coming. Their conversation was evidence that she was aware of everything going on. I, on the other hand, was blind.
“What you say? You cut out.”
“I was saying that I’ll just see you at the venue.” She redirected the conversation as I completed my transaction.
It wasn’t until I was on my way out of the door that I noticed she was wearing a shirt with her child’s name on it.
Naomi Reign is coming, the shirt read.
A girl, I concluded as I searched for my truck. Before starting the engine, I rested my head against the seat. My life lately felt so overwhelming, so unreal. I was ready to resume the peace I’d had before I walked into Rouge.
When the drumming of my heart subsided, I started the engine and began the journey to Berkeley Presby. It was an easy fix. Falling into my routine helped me sort my thoughts and keep my mind occupied. It was so easy to forget the world outside when I walked through those doors.
As I entered the expressway, Makai stuck to me like glue. I used the controls to log into my contacts and send a call. The few seconds of waiting were agonizing, but relief was available once his voice replaced the third ring.
“Mommas, what’s up?”
“Nothing. What are you doing?”
It felt like months since I’d felt Makai against my skin. My craving increased as he spoke again.
“I’m tied up right now.”
“Come home, Makai.”
“After tonight, G.”
From the way he’d said my name, I felt the disconnection. I remained silent, not wanting to express how much I’d rather him call me something else and how much I wanted him in the bed we shared when I got home. I didn’t want to wonder if I’d find him there. He needed to be there.
“Get out ya head, aight? This shit almost over. I’m coming home, Mommas. I promise.”
“Where are you?”
“Putting an end to this shit.”
I swerved, avoiding the truck that was driving wildly beside me.
“My God, where’d these drivers get their license?”
“Where you at?” Makai questioned, suddenly sounding concerned.
“I don’t know the name of this—oh my God. They’re going to kill someone.”
“Where you at, Glacier?” he screamed in my ear.
“Makai, why are you yelling, baby?”
“Glacier!” He didn’t reduce the volume. In fact, he yelled louder. “Where you at?”
The swerving vehicle managed to get beside me again. Panic-stricken, I tried focusing on staying in my lane without falling victim to their carelessness. However, my efforts were in vain. My eyes darted from my lane to theirs, trying my hardest to keep a watchful eye. The window of the vehicle lowered, revealing the driver of the Toyota 4-Runner. My heart stopped.
“MAKAI.”
Suddenly, it was me yelling.
“Makai!”
“Get off, Glacier. Get off!”
“Where are you?”
“I’m positive I’m just behind you. Get off the fucking expressway, baby.”
“It’s hi?—”
The force of impact slid my car across the expressway. My head collided with the steering wheel and everything around me blackened as gunshots rang out.
|
“Glacier!” The sound of Makai’s voice stirred me.
I opened my eyes, still disoriented and still losing consciousness.
“Ma—”
Words were beyond me. I went into total darkness, again.
|
“I got you, baby. I’m getting you out.”
I opened my eyes again. Hearing Makai’s voice so close but so far away made my heart hurt. I didn’t know much, but I knew he was too far away. I needed him near.
“Fuck. I’m working on it, baby.”
My body was upside down. I could feel my neck pressed against the ceiling and my blood rushing to my head as I blacked out, again.
|
“Stay with me, Mommas. Stay with me. I got you.”
This time, he was with me. My body bounced up and down as sirens blared around me.
I’m in his arms. I’m safe , I thought, slipping into darkness again.
I’m in his arms.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Cold air surrounded me, yet there was still a familiar warmth that lured me to consciousness. I opened my eyes, slowly adjusting to the brightness of the room. The soft, yet slightly calloused hand that caressed mine caused havoc in my chest.
“Makai?”
The movement of my lips caused pain throughout my body. My head pounded, reminding me that I’d indeed been involved in an accident.
“Mommas?”
His long legs stretched until he was standing. He moved closer to my bedside and peered at me. We both found incredible discomfort in the lingering silence.
It wasn’t until I felt wetness on my neck and my lip began to quiver that my emotional wreckage was identified. I cried, silently, staring back into Makai’s orbs. I ached for his touch, to feel his skin against mine. Even so close, he was too far away. I searched for words but there were none.
I watched a single tear fall from his eyes. It fell to the floor as he leaned forward in an attempt to conceal his pain. I didn’t have the privilege. Mine rested on my face, neck, and the gown they’d dressed me in.
He cleared his throat to speak. “How are you feeling?”
I shook my head, admitting I wasn’t well. Everything hurt.
“Fuck,” he grunted, spinning a full circle.
His fingers pulled at his beard. He was in deep thought, regret evident in his posture.
“I love you.” From some place deep within, I mustered the strength. From some place unknown, I mustered the strength.
“And that’s the fucking problem, Kiwi. You love a nigga that was never meant for you to love, baby. Girls like you not supposed to fall in love with niggas like me. And niggas like me not supposed to fall for girls like you. You deserve lawyers and doctors and pilots and shit like that. Motherfuckers with professions that won’t jeopardize your life.
“Falling in love with me put a red dot on your back. Falling in love with me made you the easiest target for a nigga who’s feeling any type of way about me. And up until I met that nigga, wasn’t too many fucking problems a motherfucker had with me.”
“Makai, this is-isn’t your fault.”
“Had it been anyone else in the world that you laid down and busted that shit open for, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be in this position. You’d be at work right now, not laid up in the very beds you stand beside every night. So, yes, Glacier. This is my fault. And because it is, this is what’s about to happen.”
He took the seat beside the bed and scooted it as close as he could. He grabbed my hand carefully, placing it between his.
“Baby.” I wept, unsure of what he was about to say but dreading the words that were about to fall from his lips.
“Listen, Mommas… There’s an account that I’ve set up for you. Inside is $1.8 million. It’s all yours. You won’t ever have to work another day in your life if you don’t want to. Start a business. Take a year off. Invest it in stock. Whatever you want to do.”
“Makai, stop.”
“Shhh. Shhhh,” he hushed me. “Your car is paid off. Your insurance will fully fund another vehicle. The process is already in motion. Your condo is also paid but you can’t live there, Kiwi. You can rent it out if you want a steady income. They’ll pay top dollar for that space, especially if it’s already furnished. Or, you can sell it.”
This entire time, I was under the impression it was leased. This was news to me.
“The choice is yours, but staying there or anywhere in Berkeley is completely out of the question. You must go. As soon as you leave this place, you have to go. As long as you’re here, you’re a sitting duck. I’ve seen what happened to women like you because of men like me and I could never live with myself if God did that to me, if He took you away from me. I can’t chance it. I can’t live through that type of pain. I won’t make it. So, save us both, Glacier, and get out of here.”
Though painful, I still managed to shake my head from one side to the other. “I’m not leaving you.”
“You don’t have to. I’m going to do that for both of us.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I didn’t aim high enough. I had a choice to make on that expressway. Make sure that you weren’t in your truck when it burst into flames or chase that nigga down and dead him. I chose you and I’ll choose you again and again and again.
“Because I chose you, I have unfinished business. A bullet in the back and a bullet in the head are two very different things. A bullet in the back got that nigga a patch and a first-class ticket to county where I need to be.”
“Makai, please.”
“Nah. I’m not willing to play hide and seek with this nigga no more.”
Makai stood and kissed my cracked lips. I closed my eyes as the pain shot through my face.
“What about us?”
“As of this moment, G, there is no us. Go live your life, Mommas. Let a square put a smile on your face. You deserve that. It’s the least I can do, let you go. I refuse to find you on the floor with some hot shit in ya chest. That ain’t the life I’m trying to live. That ain’t a life I’m trying to live. I’d rather go my way and let you go yours. Your life, for me, matters more than the love I have for you.”
“You don’t know–—you don’t know what you’re saying. You don—you can’t mean that.”
“Before I cost you your life, I’ll be a selfish motherfucker,” he emphasized.
“You don’t want to do this.”
“What I don—” he choked. “What I don’t want is to feel what I felt when I walked in and found my brother’s wife on that floor beside him as he clung to the bit of his heart she’d managed to leave him. What I don’t want is to look my children in their faces and tell them how much of an amazing woman their mother was.
“What I don’t want is to try to rebuild a life with bits and pieces, knowing that it’s likely impossible. What I don’t want is to lose my fucking mind—–just like my mother. So, when I tell you you must go… Just go, G.”
“But I love you, Makai. I love us.”
“I love us, too, but not as much as I love you. You as a person. You as a nurse. You as a granddaughter. You as a woman. Before you’re mine, you’re all of those things and I love that shit. I love it enough to know when to let it go.”
“You have no right. Wh-what even was the point? Why’d you come back? Why’d you show up at my door that night? What was the point?” I hyperventilated.
“Stupidity! That was the point. Thinking I could fall my stupid ass in love when that ain’t in my cards. That’s not how my life works. That’s not a luxury I have.”
“But it’s staring back at you.”
“At what cost, Glacier?”
I had no rebuttal.
“I love you, Mommas,” he wept, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “Take care of yourself.”
The words I needed were lost. The pain overpowered everything, all things, inside of me. Makai, the man I’d fallen for the very day I laid eyes on him, was telling me that in this world, we no longer existed.
That we could no longer be.
That I didn’t belong with him.
That he didn’t belong with me.
As if he didn’t remember us, remember our love. As if he’d forgotten so swiftly. As if I hadn’t felt something. As if he hadn’t felt it, too.
I closed my eyes, desperate to locate a new source of oxygen because he’d taken all I had left inside of me. I couldn’t fathom seeing him walk out of the door.
Walk away from me.
Walk away from us.
Walk away from the future he’d promised me.
I couldn’t bear the weight of any more pain. A thousand tons sat on my chest, already restricting my airways and suffocating me. Death, the one that he spoke of, had to be easier than this.