Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
My world had been ripped right from underneath me. After a four-day hospital stay, I was finally being released. Though I was better, physically, I was a mess inside. Emotionally, I was wrecked.
Nothing was the same. Nothing felt the same. And without Makai, nothing would ever be the same. A prisoner in my own body was the best way to embody my sentiments. After being freed by his love, time, patience, and care, I felt like I’d been taken hostage by his absence. It was all-consuming.
“Ready?” Aeir asked, switching gears.
I shook my head from one side to the other, displaying my true feelings. I was far from ready to face reality. Laying in the hospital bed without Makai was hard enough. Walking into a space that we shared, knowing he wasn’t coming home to me, would be too overwhelming.
Aeir’s hand gently caressed my leg. She squeezed, trying her best to reassure me. However, there was only one person in the world I wanted assurance from, validation from, at the moment. And I was far from ashamed to say it.
“I just need him to come home to me,” I admitted.
There were no more tears left to cry. I’d exalted them all. My body was drained, tear ducts were dry.
“How is it that one day your life is the closest thing to perfect, and the next day, it’s barely a breathable place? I feel like I’m suffocating, Aeir. He left and took his love with him. I don’t understand. I’m confused. My heart is confused. My heart… It’s hurting… so bad.”
“I understand, babes. When you love someone so much, so hard, and with everything you have, losing them feels like the end of the world. I can’t say anything that’ll make you feel better. All I can do is comfort you at this time.
“My words, Glacier, they can’t soothe your pain. It’s fresh and it’s valid. Your relationship has ended. Not due to death, cheating, or differences that you couldn’t resolve. It’s ended because life happened and ripped the man you love away from you. That’s a hard pill to swallow. You won’t get it down today, tomorrow, or even next month. Take it slowly. But remember that life does, in fact, go on.
“And this may not be the end. Maybe it’s just a comma. Just a pause. Just an obstacle. I don’t believe, not even a little, that this is the end of your story with Makai. I just don’t believe it, Glacier. Nothing in my heart will allow me to.”
“I miss him so much. I just—I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to know right now. Take your time. There will be order after the chaos. But first, give yourself time to feel, time to hurt, and then time to heal. You’re a beautiful girl with a bright future. Don’t let this situation dim your light. Keep your head up, and when you’re ready, keep pushing forward. You know what they say about things you love… let it go. If it’s meant, it’ll come back around.”
“I don’t know, Aeir.”
“Things with Malachi and I weren’t always this way, Glacier. I left him, pregnant with our son and all. I chose to put myself first and push forward, no matter how much it hurt. I knew, deep within, that he was the man for me. I knew that he was my final destination.
“Me knowing wasn’t enough, though, babe. Malachi had to know that for himself. And not by me convincing him. He had to figure it out on his own. I stepped away to give him the time he needed to do so. When he returned three months later, he had a different view of us, of our life. We haven’t been more certain of our love than we are now.
“Each day, that certainty grows and it all started with me pushing past the pain to let love work its magic. This feels so much of the same. Makai is the most fearless man I’ve met, other than his brothers. But there’s one thing he’s afraid of. It’s not life. It’s not death—not his death, at least. It’s the death of the people he loves.
“He’s afraid for them to leave him. Like his mother and father. He is still healing. Malachi expressed on several occasions that Makai took Anna’s death the hardest out of his entire family. It was triggering. It changed something inside of him, too.
“Falling in love, for Makai, finding someone he wants to spend forever with, it’s all triggering for Makai. He hasn’t lost his mind, Glacier. He lost his heart. It’s with you. And he’s simply trying to protect it at all costs. He’s just being Makai. He’s just being proactive.
“He’s making sure that it’s not him standing over your grave on Sundays. He’s making sure you have the chance to live life, whether he’s a part of it or not. His freedom is a small price to pay for that. At least it’s the way he sees it. Give him grace. He’s a man in love and there’s not much that can deter a man in that precious place.”
Aeir had shed so much light on the situation, forcing me to think of everything from Makai’s perspective after only thinking of myself. Makai wasn’t being the selfish man I’d accused him of being. He was, indeed, the selfless man I’d fallen in love with.
“My God, he’s stubborn.”
“Now that… I agree with wholeheartedly.”
We’d arrived fairly quickly. I wasn’t quite ready to face the silence, but the choice wasn’t mine to make. Makai had decided for both of us. I’d been advised to walk away from something that grounded me on my worst days. It would be hard. It would be the hardest thing to ever do.
Mourning my parents’ death wouldn’t compare because their lives ended. They didn’t just leave me, they left this earth. Mourning my relationship with Valencia and Nelson wouldn’t compare, either. They’d both wronged me, making the transition much easier than the one I was facing.
Makai was still among the living. Makai hadn’t done anything to hurt me. So, this felt like nothing I’d ever felt before. Mourning something that still lived within you, mourning someone that was still among the living and still made your heart beat.
Aeir and I used the elevator to reach my floor. The empty cubby was such a dreadful sight. My new truck was somewhere in a salvage yard, waiting to be crushed and tossed into a wasteland somewhere.
“It feels like my life is falling apart.”
“Or falling together,” Aeir suggested, coming into my condo.
She hung her purse on the hook behind the door and removed her coat. Her shoes were next. I undressed, slowly, making sure I didn’t agitate my fragile frame any more than it already was. Thankfully, there were no broken bones, but the bruises and concussion were enough to slow me down for a couple of weeks. My ribs hurt every time I spoke or moved. They were barely intact, suffering bruises as well.
“I don’t know, Aeir. It feels a lot like?—”
“Shhhh. Let’s think positive thoughts. And let’s get you back in bed. Nature is on the way to help me in the kitchen. We’ll make enough food to get you through the next few days and be right here by your side until you’re ready for us to leave, okay?”
“You don’t have to, really. You have a family.”
“And you’re part of it, so what do you mean? What are you saying right now, babe?”
“That a few hours is fine, but I won’t let either of you stay too long.”
“Fine. Whatever works for you. Now, come on. To the bed.”
Sighing, I made my way to the bedroom where the smell of Makai lingered, making me sick to my stomach. I paused, mid-way, turned toward Aeir, and shook my head. There was absolutely no way I could rest there.
“I can’t. Not in here.”
He’d been home less over the last week or so, but his scent had penetrated the walls, the sheets, the pillowcases, and everything else he’d ever touched.
“I can’t.”
“It’s okay. A guest room?”
Nodding, I approved the newest idea. That was more suitable. Missing Makai was enough. To have his absence rubbed across my nose every second of my day was too much.
In the first guest room, I lowered my body onto the bed. I struggled to get my legs up. The pain was mind-numbing, but with help, I managed to get it done.
The shower I’d taken prior to leaving the hospital was the best idea I’d had in days because I was in no shape to do so without support. My shower had none. The walls were bare, aside from a rack for soaps, body washes, razors, and other shower supplies. With any luck, when it was time to shower again, tomorrow, I would feel a bit better and my pain wouldn’t be as disabling.
“How is that?”
“This is good.”
“Okay, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me. Don’t yell. That’ll only cause unnecessary pain. Just shoot me a text.”
Aeir sauntered out of the room after flipping the light switch. And the moment she did, my loneliness depleted me. I laid my head against the back of my hand as it sat on the pillow underneath me. Makai’s dark skin and perfect teeth haunted my lids the second I sealed them.
A tear fell from the corner of my eyes. Proof that my tear ducts still had life and I hadn’t damaged them with the emotional depths I’d reached over the last few days stained my pillow.
Don’t cry, Mommas . His voice played in my head, making it more difficult to contain myself.
“Come back to me,” I whispered, burying my face in the pillow.
The pain cut so deep that I felt it splitting me in half. My back rose and fell as silent tears soaked the linen that wrapped the rectangular fluff.
“Come back, baby.”
“Glacier,” Nature’s voice appeared.
“Yes?” I cracked.
“Awww, baby,” she sighed, rushing into the room.
She climbed into bed beside me. Her cold hands and feet slid underneath the covers for warmth. Her arms wrapped around me as she carefully pulled me into her arms. I could hear her heart drumming against her chest.
“Would you like to talk about it?” she asked, giving me space to do as I pleased.
“No,” I admitted.
“Okay. Okay. Then we won’t talk.”
She rubbed my back, up and down, bringing me as much comfort as I had the capacity for. Her touch was soothing. It nursed the storm happening inside of me. And eventually, it led me to a peaceful place where sleep was possible.
Opening my eyes each morning was becoming an impossible task to complete. My desperation to discover this was all a bad dream was the only reason I mustered the strength to do so. Each time, I prayed that Makai was beside me and our worlds were still intertwined.
It never happened. He never appeared. The nightmare never-ending. It was as if I was in one, continuously long cycle of the same day, happening again and again.
Five days out of the hospital and I was feeling much better than when I was discharged. I could move around on my own and get through the day with fewer pain pills in my system. Yet and still, everything still hurt, especially my heart.
It’ll work . I settled on the oversized hoodie, joggers, and UGGs that nearly swallowed me whole. I was melting away. The healthy, happy weight I’d gained over the last six months was falling off me rapidly.
Anything else in my closet was impossible to wiggle on in my condition. I’d be in too much pain and too exhausted to make it out of the door. Staying home another day wasn’t in my plans. Sunshine and Makai were the two reasons my mission was set in motion and the reasons I’d see it through.
I walked into the cubby to find the most faithful set of wheels waiting. When I climbed inside of my car, nostalgia slapped me across the face. The blow was forceful, taking my breath away and requiring a few seconds to recuperate and get myself together. Flashbacks of the very first time Makai’s voice crossed my line.
“…Who dis?”
“Who is this, you ask?” I rephrased.
“Same difference, Mommas. You called my line. I didn’t call yours.”
“Glacier.”
“Glacier?”
“Yes, I am hav—” I continued, but was interrupted.
“Your people named you Glacier? Like the shit that shifts due to its own weight and end up in large bodies of water? The perennial accumulation of crystalline ice, snow, rock, sedimen ? —”
“Please. I’m aware of Google’s definition of glacier. However, I’m having car trouble and really need help. My tire is destroyed and ? —”
“Rim or regular tire?”
“Regular tire.”
“Glacier, since you’re so damn good at Google, you would’ve read that we ain’t that type of tire shop.”
“I—”
Click .
Chuckling, I found the silver lining. Makai had been unpredictable since day one. Why I’d expected anything else from him was beyond me. Expecting me to accept his decision without considering mine was beyond me, too, which was why I punched in the address for the men’s correctional facility as I waited for the cubby to reach the ground and release my car.
Led by nothing more than an inkling that Makai was mistaken and didn’t mean the things he’d said, I set out on the forty-eight-minute drive. Google had been useful in my quest to stop the foreclosure of our relationship. I discovered his current status, charges that were pending, and the facility he was housed in as he awaited his second court date. The first one had been the morning after his arrest.
Seeing his face on my screen, so cold and so disconnected, shattered me to pieces. It had taken the entire night to pick myself up. Makai was facing serious charges, ones that would revoke his freedom for years. I couldn’t fathom life on the outside, knowing that he was locked away in a cage like an animal.
I drowned my thoughts with music that soothed my aching heart. Cleo Sol preached about inner peace, loving yourself, dwelling in spaces that appreciate your presence, and living a full life in no hurry. As she read me for filth, I unpacked the pain of my situation.
Makai and I were more alike than I’d ever understood. The fear of losing someone you love and reopening the wounds that death had given you was real. It was paralyzing. It was devouring. The same fear that led Makai to make the decisions he made was the same fear that led me through the parking lot of the correctional facility forty-five minutes later.
Losing Makai had ripped the band-aids from my flesh. I needed to feel healed, again, to feel whole again. To feel him, again. Even if only briefly, I needed to remind him that we were above any forces that tried to tear us apart.
On shaky legs, I exited the car, unsure of what to expect beyond my point of comfort. Every few seconds, I was being buzzed through another gate until finally, I reached a large space with others anxiously awaiting a chance to see their loved ones as well.
“May I help you?” a guard asked with little enthusiasm and exhaustion intertwined.
“Yes. I’m here to visit Ma?—”
“Right this way. Take all that off and step through here.” She pointed, not being very specific.
“All oooof?” I responded and waited for clearer instructions.
“All that. The hoodie. The shoes. The hat. Take that off.” She livened up, but not because she was excited. She was irritated with the question I’d asked.
“Thanks.”
I removed everything she’d mentioned before stepping through the metal detector. Its approval awarded me everything I’d taken off. As I redressed, I began a new question but was quickly cut off.
“Where do?—”
“Over there. Go talk to them over there. You see the big visitation check-in sign over there, right? You look like you can read.”
Taken aback at the harshness of her tone, I proceeded toward the desk she’d pointed to. I arrived to find another guard sitting behind the desk, marking letters and numbers on a notepad.
“Hey, I’m here to visit someone.”
“Grab a clipboard and fill out the paperwork. Once you’ve finished, bring your identification back up with you.”
“Okay.”
“Have you ever visited before?”
“No. I haven’t. But I did manage to get the validation check completed last night and was approved for visitation today.”
“Good. Makes my job easier. Give me that clipboard and just hand me your identification. Write your inmate's name and his number on the line beside it.”
Word for word, I obliged, hoping that my obedience sped the process up slightly.
“Here it is.”
“The next visitation is in fifteen minutes. I’ll try to get you in the system and back there by then. It’s only a thirty-minute visit. If they can get him down here in fifteen minutes, then you’re good. If not, then you’ll have to wait for the next visitation and I’ll let you back then.”
“Thank you.”
I had a seat a few feet away so that I didn’t miss my name being called or any important instructions. Within three minutes, she was calling me up.
“Ms. Roseberry?”
“Yes.”
Moving swiftly was possibly the worst decision I’d made all day. The pain in my back and sides simply wasn’t worth it.
“They’re going to get him down for the next visit. Here’s your identification. Remember, this is not a physical contact opportunity. You will be taken to a room where you’ll choose a seat. When ready, the inmates will come in and find their loved ones. Once the visit is over, you’ll return to this area and make your way out of the door. Understood?”
“Yes. I understand.”
“Good. Now, have a seat and wait for them to call your group.”
“What group is that?”
“The next one,” she responded, cutting the conversation short.
I imagined there was a letter or number that followed the word group, but apparently, that didn’t matter. I was next up and, for now, that information was enough for me to go on. Instead of sitting, causing more pain, I found the closest corner and pressed my back against the wall. The coolness offered little comfort but it was enough for the moment.
I busied myself by counting the tiles on the floor. The sound of crying babies, frustrated mothers, spiteful staff, and family members awaiting their chance to see their loved ones overstimulated me. I bounced my right foot on the floor, still remaining focused and determined to finish the count I’d started. At the brink of my stimulation, I gnawed the inside of my lip until I drew blood.
“Group sixteen.”
Sixteen , I thought. I'm in group sixteen .
The officer hadn’t given me a number or letter to follow, group sixteen was next. I joined the line that was forming and waited to be escorted down the hallway. It didn’t take long. Everything was moving swiftly. Before I knew it, I was sitting down, staring at the number twelve.
Am I too far down? Will he see me? Maybe I should’ve worn makeup to cover the bruises . A million thoughts ran through my mind.
Anxiety continued to manifest in my belly as I wiped the phone with a disinfectant wipe that I’d removed from my purse before coming inside. The germs were one of the things I’d read many warnings about on the social forum for visitation.
Taking extra precaution, I wiped the small surface my elbows rested on. As I began, a shadow darkened everything in front of me. I looked up to find Makai and those dark, mysterious eyes staring back at me. I picked up the phone, again, placing it up to my ear this time. Makai did the same.
“Hey,” hesitantly, I greeted him.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I waited for his response. When I was met with silence, defeat entered our space, weaving in and out of the threads that covered my body.
“Maka—say something, baby,” I begged. “Say somet?—”
“Go home, Mommas,” he advised, staring daggers into my chest.
He didn’t sit. He didn’t bat an eye. His facial muscles never relaxed. His posture never changed. That smile that I’d dreamed of, it never showed.
WHAM .
The sound of the phone slamming onto the hook that was connected to the wall nearly made me jump through my skin. Furrowed brows and a continuously breaking heart were evidence of my confusion.
Makai?
I held the phone, unsure of what to say or what to do. As quick as Makai had come, he’d gone. Bushy hair and a beard that had grown nearly twice its normal length over the last eight days deemed me speechless. Underneath the thick, black hair, I could still see him beneath. Makai was still there, somewhere.
Why are you doing this to me? my heart screamed, but nothing surfaced.
The loud ringing sound startled me. Thirty minutes had passed. I’d sat in silence, completely disoriented for twenty-six of them.
“Time to go, ma’am,” the guard at the front of the long hallway shouted. “Visitation is over.”
Over? That word, in particular, stuck to me like glue.
“Sorry. I, uh…”
“It’s time to go. We have another group coming in.”
It was then I noticed the booths were empty. I was the only person who remained.
“I’m so sorry. I’m leaving.”
In a trance, I cleared the building and rushed to my car. The physical pain I felt was nothing in comparison to the hole Makai had left in my heart. Bleeding profusely, my head fell into my hands as I released what was left of me.
Patting against the wooden floors woke me from my sleep. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been down or how many times I’d been in and out over the last twenty-something hours. All I knew was my heart hurt no less than it did when I left the prison the previous day.
The rest of my house hadn’t seen me. I climbed into bed. My appetite didn’t exist and the heaviness of my burdens had bolted me to the bed. The days were long. The nights were even longer. Misery had been knocking so long that I grew tired and let it in.
Losing my mind and all the good sense that God had given me was a possibility, and it’s what I thought had happened to me when I heard the low grumbles of Ghost and Midnight. I ventured out of my bedroom, knowing that there was only one person who could be responsible for their presence.
Feeling as if all bets weren’t off the table and all hope wasn’t lost, I rushed into the living room. Seeing Makai free and in the home we shared would heal every spirit of brokenness that had been released on my account.
“Mak—”
With Midnight and Ghost at his side, Mercer stood in my living room. As if he would appear at any moment, I remained silent, waiting for Makai to peep his head around the corner or jump out and scare me. I waited for him to wrap his arms around my waist. I waited for him to whisper in my ear, telling me things that would soothe every ache in my body.
I’ve missed you.
I love you.
I need you.
I’m sorry.
I never meant to hurt you.
I meant none of it.
“Glacier,” Mercer called out, taking a seat on the couch. “Makai sent me.”
“No,” I whispered, feeling my nostrils flare. “He doesn’t get to send anyone. He doesn’t get to?—”
“Sit down,” Mercer told me, patting the spot beside him.
“He has no right, Mercer.”
“I agree.”
“Why isn’t he—why isn’t it him? Why isn’t he here? Wh-why is he doing this to me? I’ve done nothing but love him with every fiber in my body. Doesn’t he know that I love him? Doesn’t he know that he’s my world? Doesn’t he know that I-I can’t breathe without him? Doesn’t he know that my body aches for him? Doesn’t he know, Mercer?”
Nodding, Mercer assured me that he, in fact, knew it.
“I am a mess without him. I am not whole.”
“Glacier.”
“He has no right to do this to me. He can’t do this to me.”
“Sit down.”
Feeling faint, I finally took Mercer’s advice. Overcome with grief, I was dizzy. The spell knocked me down, onto the couch beside Mercer. Right where he needed me.
“Don’t go back there, you hear me?”
“Mer—”
“Don’t. Makai is my brother, but hear me clearly. When a man shows you who he is, believe him. Makai is a man who will go to the furthest extent to protect the people he loves. He’s lost enough of us. He ain’t losing another.
“Trust me when I tell you that, that isn’t always pretty. Sometimes, it’s ugly. Very fucking ugly. I gave up years of my life to protect the people I love.
“We’re all the same, Glacier. But Makai is a different kind of beast. His thoughts consume him. The need for results fuels him. His tunnel vision is sometimes his worst enemy. He’s trying not to make an even worse enemy out of himself by letting something happen to you on his clock.
“Letting you go for him isn’t easy, but he feels it’s necessary. There’s nothing you or any of us can say to convince him otherwise. Trust me, we’ve tried. He’s adamant. That’s why I’m here.”
“It should be him.”
“But it’s me. Don’t go back there, Glacier.”
I nodded, choosing not to respond.
“By the end of this week, you need to have all your things packed and ready to go.”
“Go where? Where do I have to go?”
“If you need help with that, we got you. But Makai has forbidden it. He doesn’t want either of us to know where you’re headed.”
“Why not?”
“So he’s never tempted to—precaution,” he rephrased. “The dogs, they’re yours. He wants you to have them.”
“Why is he the only one getting his way in this situation? What about me?”
“It’s all about you, Glacier. Have you not heard a word I’ve said? This is all about you.”
“I’m not ready to leave Berkeley. I’m not ready to leave him .”
“You have no other choice. The city knows who you belong to. Relocation will keep you safer. Relocation will give Makai peace of mind.”
“He deserves no peace, Mercer, not while I’m in turmoil.”
“Well, scratch that part. Your safety is reason enough.”
“It’s not his fault. Why is he blaming himself? Nelson is my ex. He’s not some random guy.”
“To Makai, he is.”
Frustrated, I decided to remain silent. Nothing made sense anymore.
“I know my brother, Glacier.”
“It seems as if I don’t know him enough.”
“Time… patience. That’s all he ever needs. He’ll come to his senses. Just don’t let him forget that you haven’t forgotten. He said don’t come back. That nigga never said not to reach out. Put the pen to the paper. Give him something to think about. Give him something to look forward to whenever the day comes that he exits those gates. Hold your place in his head and his heart.”
“Thank you. Thank you.”
That thought had yet to cross my mind. Now that it had been presented, I wanted to use the first piece of paper I Iaid eyes on to tell Makai how much of me he’d destroyed recently, how much of me he’d taken with him.
A knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts.
“The crew has arrived. They’re here to help you get a head start on packing. At the end of the week, a truck will be waiting downstairs to take you wherever it is you want to go.
“Inside of the folder on the table by the door is everything you need to access the account and money Makai has left for you. Thursday, your new truck will be delivered. If you need anything, my number is also in the folder. Take care, Glacier. And Merry Christmas.”
In seven days, children everywhere would be rushing toward the Christmas tree to see what Santa had gotten them. I’d be settling into a home I didn’t want in a city that I didn’t want to be in. No Christmas tree. No gifts. No Makai.
“Merry Christmas.”
Mercer’s body was replaced with Kleu’s. Nature and Aeir sat on the other couch. Completely numb, I listened as they made plans to collect my things without my assistance to make this transition as easy as possible for me.
The truth was, there was no way to ease into this situation or anything close to it. You had to face it head-on, even though it hurt. And as if a switch was flipped in my head, I accepted that. I accepted the results of Makai and I’s union. I accepted the time we’d had together. I accepted the fact that this was our end. I accepted it all.
Rubbing both Midnight and Ghost, I quieted the room with a few choice words.
“Anyone interested in helping me find a house?”
“And she’s alive!” Kleu joked.
“What do you have in mind?” Aeir inquired.
“I was thinking Clarke.”
“Clarke,” Nature agreed. “Far enough but not too far away.”
“A cute three-hour drive,” Kleu cheered.
“Yes. Clarke sounds like a good idea,” Aeir advocated.
“God, I’m going to miss each one of you.”
“We’re going to miss you, too, but we promise to come visit.”
“Then men are forbidden.”
“Girl, fuck Makai. Lawe can go where he damn well pleases.”
“But he won’t, and we all know that,” Nature told Kleu.
We all agreed.
“Well, I’ll come alone or with one of y’all. But now that we’ve got you talking again… I need you to tell me something. What tricks you be doing with your pussy that got a nigga trying to run you off the road and another one following his ass in jail to end his life?”
Shaking my head, I began to explain. “That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?”
“Nelson is holding on to a secret that I discovered the night I left him. He’s afraid that I’ve told Makai and that his business will be circulating among the men he’s in business with.”
“What kind of secret? Isn’t that nigga over thirty? What secrets could he have?” She continued to probe.
I grabbed my phone from beside me and unlocked the screen. I searched my Instagram account for the name of the person who had initially messaged me and then followed up in my email where the actual information had been sent and stored. The six-minute voice note began as soon as I tapped the triangle on the left of my screen.
“Good evening, Glacier. I’m quite sure you don’t know who I am but I recently discovered your existence through Nelson. He’s a dear friend of mine. My intentions aren’t to stir up any commotion. I come in peace, advocating for the health of people who are oblivious to what’s going on around them.
“I met Nelson five and a half years ago when I first started going to Dr. Lacey. We’d both recently discovered our status and were starting the new prescription drug that treats HIV and eventually eliminates the possibility of transmission to others. The goal for people like us is always to be undetected since a cure isn’t available to us. Nelson was unsure how he’d been infected and so was I.
“We bonded over the things we had in common and eventually exchanged numbers. There was no foul play. I was aware that he was a heterosexual man as well as he was aware that I wasn’t. On those awful nights when his thoughts started to get the best of him, he started reaching out and vice versa.
“Eventually, our friendship evolved and Nelson became curious. I let him explore his sexuality, passing no judgment. He and I went on for a few months, exploring that portion of his life before he decided to get back to the basis of our friendship and eliminate the rest. However, every so often, he found his way back to my home, indulging in a guilty pleasure that he hated to love. But again, no judgment.
“Eventually, it stopped, again, but our friendship continued to blossom. Still, he confides in me about things that he won’t dare mention to another soul. One of these things in particular is the fact that he’s in love with two women, one of which is pregnant, and the other woman is her best friend, who might also be expecting his child.”
I hadn’t noticed the last line until now. He’d warned me that Valencia was expecting. Still, I had no clue because I’d skated by that part.
“This brought me to the question of whether the women involved knew his status. Nelson blew up when the question was posed, confirming what I already knew. You are oblivious and so is the woman that is supposed to be your best friend. This message is nothing more than a message of caution. I want you and your child healthy.
“I’ve lived with this disease long enough to know that it’s not pleasant. It’s not the end of the world, by far, and I live a good life. But if I can prevent a child, without a choice, from being brought into this world with a positive status, that’s exactly what I will do. I’ll end this message by saying that I’m sorry for any hurt it may have caused. But I’d rather it be now than later that I tracked you down and told you what you deserved to know the day that Nelson decided he wanted to put his penis inside of you. I’m no fool and I’m sure that my life is in jeopardy by sharing this, but to save a life, I’m willing to risk mine.
“I wish you nothing but the best and I pray that your pregnancy is as beautiful as you are, my love. Don’t walk, run to the nearest clinic and get tested. Knowing your status is important. Nelson has been undetectable for almost five years, but confirmation is key.”
I could hear a needle drop in the room if I had one. Blank stares coated everyone’s faces around me.
“It wasn’t my secret to tell,” I sighed. “This is where his anger stems from. The following week, this man was found dead in his home. I picked myself up off the floor, mourning the loss of my best friend and man, to pay my respects.
“I’d taken tests and had blood work done throughout nursing school and nothing had ever come back positive, so I wasn’t too worried. My annuals were appointments I didn’t skip. I made sure to get the full panel yearly.
“Nothing had ever come back abnormal. That didn’t stop me from running to the doctor’s office to be tested again. As I’d suspected, I was not infected over the course of our four-year relationship.”
“You can’t tell me there isn’t a God,” Aeir mumbled.
“Amen,” Kleu finished, waving a hand in the air.
“This doesn’t leave this room, ladies. It’s not your secret to tell, either. Nelson is fighting his own demons, believing his status is the end of the world and his preference in sexual partners is a crime. I left Nelson because he lied and because he cheated. I wouldn’t have cared who it was with. Cheating, for me, is a deal breaker. The details don’t matter.”
“The details don’t matter,” Kleu agreed.
“Now, can someone please get me a drink? If I’m going to pack this entire condo, I’m not going to do it sober.”
“Now, you’re talking my language.” Kleu chuckled, hopping up from the couch and heading toward the kitchen.
This was my reality now. There was no running.