Chapter 13
people always leave
Saige
"Hey, we're here."
When I open my eyes, we're in Nolan's driveway. He gets out of the car, grabbing his bag and Arcadia's leash. I throw my backpack over my shoulder and follow him up the stairs to the porch and then through the screen door into the house.
Aurora Cove is small, and his home isn't far from mine.
But instead of backing into forests and a ravine we threw a body into, his is in an older neighborhood—all smaller one-story homes with large front porches.
Inside, it's clean and dark, aside from the television.
All the curtains are drawn, the lights are off, and on a cloudy day like today, almost no light seeps through.
Maybe that's why Nolan is always in the dark.
A little girl sits on the floor in front of the television, leaning back against the sofa. She has the same thick black hair as her brother, only hers stops at her shoulders.
"Hey, Avery," Nolan says.
"You brought a dog?! That's so cool! What's her name? Is she nice?"
"Her name is Arcadia; she's Elias's dog. And she is nice, but she'll jump on you."
"Does she know how to play fetch?"
"Yes," I tell her. "But I didn't bring any of her toys."
Her expression drops. "Oh…"
"Did Mom leave already?"
"Yeah, she left like…one episode ago. She told me to go to Sandy's house if I needed anything."
"That's our next-door neighbor," Nolan explains.
"Ah…I see."
Still, I would have been terrified if my parents had left me alone when I was eight…even if it were only for an hour.
"Avery, this is Saige," Nolan says. "She's going to hang out with us, too."
"Why? Are you his girlfriend?"
"Because I'm not allowed to stay home alone, either," I tell her.
Nolan laughs. "Unfortunately, that's true."
"Why not?" she asks. "You're a grown-up."
"Her brother said no."
"So? Why is he your boss?"
"That's a really good question," I say. "I don't know why he's my boss."
"Mmm, yeah, you do," Nolan says. "Saige is Elias's sister."
Avery makes a face. "Uncle Elias has a sister?!"
Uncle? Ew. "Not really. I'm his stepsister…technically. My mom married his dad two years ago."
"Why doesn't he talk about you?"
"Umm…because he's a really mean brother. Yours is nicer."
Avery laughs. "Mine is mean, too."
"Shut up," Nolan says. "Do you want some water or something, Saige?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Amanda has just given birth in a grocery store without even knowing she was pregnant."
"Avery, what the fuck are you watching?"
"Mom lets me!"
"Yeah, right." He takes the remote and opens a Netflix Kids account instead.
"See what I mean?" she asks. "Worst brother ever."
"Yeah, I don't know about that. I'm pretty sure I've still got you beat," I tell her. "Speaking of my terrible brother, I have some biology homework I need to get started on. Is it okay if I turn on the light in here?"
"That's fine," Nolan says.
"What's his major, anyway?"
"You don't know his major?"
"No. I despise him; why would I? We pretend each other doesn't exist, and I'm looking forward to getting back to that."
Nolan laughs. "Yeah, I don't think Elias is ever going to pretend you don't exist."
"Well…what do you mean by that?"
He cocks his head, giving me a look. "Come on, Saige; I think you know. And it's sports management. I think he wants to coach."
I scoff. "He would be a terrible coach."
"Really? I'm not so sure."
"Well, I am." I turn on the kitchen light, sit on a barstool, and open Elias's book. Nolan crosses the room and sits on the couch next to his sister; he starts asking her about school and their mom, and I try to tune it out and give them some semblance of privacy.
I am the intruder here, after all.
But he's softer when he talks to her. He teases her; they laugh together. Their movie ends, and they start fighting about whether or not she can watch something rated PG-13.
"I bet you watched PG-13 movies when you were my age," she scoffs.
"Yeah, you know what? I did. I saw a lot worse than that, and now I'm a deeply, deeply troubled individual. You don't want to go down that path. It starts right here. In front of a TV."
"You're full of shit!"
Nolan laughs, and I can't help but look over my shoulder. I just want to see him smile. "What the fuck? You can't say shit!"
Even his eyes look lighter. And he has dimples. I've never seen him smile enough to have actual dimples.
"Why not? You just said the f-word!"
"Yeah, well, that's because I'm allowed to do whatever the fuck I want."
"You're a mean brother. I stand by that. You're a very mean brother. All of my friends are allowed to watch horror movies."
"Well, then your friends are going to be criminals," Nolan says, pulling out his phone. "I'm ordering pizza. What do you like on your pizza, Saige?"
"I'll eat anything," I tell him.
"How about a bird's head?"
Avery's face twists with disgust. "Ew! Why would you eat that?"
"I don't know; ask him. And no, I'll pass on the bird's head, thanks. Other than that, I'm good with anything."
"Even pineapple?"
"Especially pineapple. With jalapenos. And hot sauce."
"Get breadsticks, too," Avery says.
"Of course I'll get breadsticks; I'm not a monster. Even Saige's brother would get breadsticks."
"Eh, not for me," I mumble.
"I don't know, Saige," Nolan says. "I think you're wrong."
"I know I'm not. But thanks…for dinner."
"Anything for you," he says without looking up.
I can't tell if it's sarcasm. I can't read him at all.
I finish Elias's homework just before the pizza arrives and join them at the far end of the couch.
Nolan ends up getting me my pineapple and jalapeno pizza.
He refuses to try it, but he brings me a bottle of hot sauce, silently setting it next to me on the coffee table.
I pour an exuberant amount over my pizza before my phone vibrates.
"Who is it?"
Nervously, I reach for the device without answering him. But when I open my phone, it's just a picture of Dax in his suit. I bite back a smile. A pang of longing hits me right in the chest, unwanted and incredibly uncomfortable.
Without replying, I set the phone aside and pick up a piece of pizza. "It's just Dax."
"You miss him."
It's not a question, but I answer like it was, anyway. "No, I don't."
He laughs a little. "Liar."
"I don't miss him, I just—" I just really like the way he holds me, and you never will. "I just had a really bad day."
"It'll be okay," Nolan says. "We'll figure out who's doing this."
"I want to go back to my dorm."
"I know." He nudges me with his shoulder. "I like having you around, though, even though you murdered my fish."
"Don't say that word. And it wasn't me."
"Which word? Murder?"
"Yes!"
"Sorry, killer."
I shake my head.
"It's not been that bad, though, right?" he asks, smiling just a little.
I know what he means—he's asking about last night. I don't look at him when I answer. "Not entirely."
We finish eating, and then sit together quietly in the dark, just barely not touching, watching The Nightmare Before Christmas. Once the movie ends, Nolan tells Avery she has to go to bed.
"Will you read some more of my book to me?" she asks.
"Sure."
"What book are you reading?" I ask.
"The Giver!"
"Ohhh…I know that one; it's a good one."
"He just got the sledding memory," she adds.
"Man…you're getting to the good stuff, then."
"But only one chapter, okay?" Nolan says. "It's late, and I'm tired."
"Why? Because you're hungover?"
"What? No. How do you even know about hungover?"
Avery laughs. "I don't know!"
"All right. Go brush your teeth; let's go."
As she laughs down the hall to the bathroom, Nolan looks at me and shakes his head, but he's smiling. "I'll be back, okay?"
"Okay."
Once Avery finishes brushing her teeth and the two of them are reading in her room, I grab my things and head to the bathroom to get ready for bed, too. I change into a t-shirt and pajama pants, wash my face, and brush my teeth.
But after I put my things away, a small black leather bag on the counter catches my eye. I've seen it before—on the countertop in the bathroom Nolan shares with Dax.
I know I shouldn't snoop, but I can't help it. I know so little about him, and I just…
I don't know.
He knows a lot about me. I live with him. He knows my body; he knows about the worst thing I've ever done, and he's seen me cry. And I can't even touch him. I don't know what made his eyes look the way they do.
I feel like a criminal unzipping the bag.
I take out his razor, smell his shaving cream, and spray a little bit of his cologne in the air.
It smells good—more airy versus Dax's woodsy scent.
I decide to put a small amount on my wrist so I can smell like both of them.
Then I find a tube of cherry chapstick, and decide to put that on, too.
The next thing I pull out is a pill bottle…and then another one, both with brENNAN, NOLAN JAMES printed across the front.
Now I'm really being nosy; this is worse than just wearing some of his chapstick—this is intrusive. I can feel it in my gut. Still, I take out my phone and google the unfamiliar names of the medications, my hands shaking like I'm going to get caught. But I get my answer.
Nolan is on multiple medications for anxiety and depression.
Feeling guilty, I quickly put everything back, grab my stuff, and leave the bathroom, pausing when I hear my name through Avery's cracked bedroom door.
"Are you sure Saige isn't your girlfriend?" Avery asks. "You never bring anyone over, and she's really pretty. I like the pink in her hair."
"I'm sure," he says. "She is really pretty, but she isn't my girlfriend."
"Well, why don't you ever have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? Do you like being alone? Don't you want to get married?"