24. Ava
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ava
Situationships & spark
“No,” Tanner said firmly after I asked him if he missed his ex.
“Wow. That was a fast answer. She was your high school sweetheart.”
He let out a breath. “She was. I’m not mad. I’m honestly not. The things she said hurt at the end, but...” He paused. “Obviously, you and your ex broke up for different reasons.”
“Oh, I’ll say,” I replied.
He nodded and tipped his head to the side. “But some things you just can’t come back from. I’m aware—because we were in a relationship long enough—when you have arguments, it’s not great. Even when you’re trying to do your best, you don’t always handle shit well. And I’m not saying I did. Or do.”
“Have you had another relationship?”
“I haven’t wanted one.”
I held his gaze, my lips curling slightly. “Are you sure about that?”
He let out a sigh. “I don’t know.”
“I’m just curious,” I added.
“Look, I never know what to expect with life, but I haven’t had another relationship. Back to my ex, the way she blamed me for everything and the way she described me, well, I kind of can’t come back from that. Does that make sense?”
“It does.”
“So no, I don’t miss her.”
I blinked, heat flaring in my cheeks. “Tanner, you cannot have been celibate since she left. I mean...” I swallowed. “You’re good at this.”
“What’s ‘this’?” He couldn’t help but tease.
“You know.” My cheeks burned even hotter.
“If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking.”
I bought a moment to find some composure by stuffing the last bite of pizza into my mouth. After I swallowed and took a sip of water, I eyed him. “Sex.”
“I feel the need to point out we haven’t had sex.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You know what I mean. Like I said, you’re good at it.”
“I appreciate the compliment. But no, I haven’t been celibate. I don’t have relationships. Just situationships.”
“What is a situationship, even? I’ve heard that word, but I don’t honestly understand it.”
“Well, like friends with benefits would probably be a situationship. This is a small town though, so things can get awkward fast,” he explained.
“Is it awkward with me?”
“Definitely not.”
“Can we have a situationship?”
Tanner eyed me, nodding slowly. “We can.”
“Okay, good. Because I would really like that.” I paused, my heart thudding against my ribs. “In fact, can we do the whole thing?”
“Excuse me?” Tanner sputtered, eyes going a little wide.
“Sex. I want to have actual sex.”
“For fuck’s sake, Ava, give a man a minute.”
“Just a minute?”
“I’m just...” He leaned his head back, taking a breath. “You know, for someone who said you weren’t good at this, you know how to drive a man crazy.”
“Oh wow, am I driving you crazy?” I was so excited I almost wiggled with joy.
He reached for my hand and tugged it over, placing it on his cock, which was hot and hard through the denim. “This is your answer.”
Tanner’s gaze held mine, the heat banked there like a scatter of sparks across my skin. I didn’t know how he did it, but his look alone was a sensual caress—completely and utterly hot.
“So, um, how do we do this? Do we just see what happens? No expectations.”
Even though I was outlining it, there was a shaft of disappointment. I ignored it because I had to. The last thing I needed was to fall for Tanner and wish he wanted more from me, when it was very clear he had some issues around any kind of commitment. I pushed those thoughts away.
“I don’t think we want to rush into sex,” Tanner said.
“I want sex. The whole thing,” I cut in.
Tanner dipped his head, and I could see the curve of his smile. “I hear that. But do we want to rush to that?” He gestured to my foot.
“Oh, don’t worry about my ankle. We can work around that,” I assured him.
“Maybe.”
“It might limit our options, but don’t let that stand in your way, Tanner.”
He laughed softly, and the low sound reverberated through me, like that vibration when you drove over the rumble strips. It made my belly feel funny in a good way.
“Can we just play it by ear?” he asked.
That question hit a sore spot. Not because my ex had ever asked to play anything by ear, but because he had accused me of being too pushy.
Except I could never say out loud why I got pushy.
I just wanted to get it over with. As soon as sex started with him, my entire goal was figuring out how get to the end so I could be done with it.
I let out a sigh. I also liked to rush because of the whole stupid choking thing, which I hated. We’d had so many arguments about it.
Tanner must have sensed something because his gaze sobered. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said quickly. Because this whole ball of a mess inside me was not a conversation I wanted to have with him. Or frankly, anyone.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am.” I shoved all those doubts and insecurities away, like stuffing them inside a closet and locking the door. I just couldn’t. I knew if I got all up in my head, this would be a disaster.
We’d had so much fun the other night. I didn’t want to ruin it. But I was already starting to think too much.