Chapter 2 #2
I didn't forget about him. How could I? There hasn't been a single day that's gone by without me thinking about him.
Even when I'm not thinking about him, I know I'm almost thinking about him.
I get lost in my head for a minute, remembering both nights—the night I met Miles and the night of my attack—and try to figure out if there's anything definitively similar about the two, but come up empty-handed.
Terror made my blood run cold when she told me he was alive. Even so, I can't help but feel relief.
I'm not a murderer. I don't owe Elias anything.
And if it's true that he remembers nothing about the past two years, he has no reason to attack me or Elias. We're free of him.
I saved both of us. I'm the fucking hero in this story.
"Or it was Elias."
"Mom—"
"What? You asked me what they thought. It's an angle they're investigating."
"Why? Because you put it in their heads?"
"Because he was there—he's the only person they can put at the scene. And he has a motive; he hates us."
"I know what happened, Mom. I remember everything."
"Really? Because the detective says your story changes a little every time you tell it, Saige."
"Maybe I'm just tired of telling it; I'm tired of talking about it. I just want to feel normal again, and nothing you're doing is helping at all."
"They said the lock on your window is fixed, but make sure you double check it," she says, as if she didn't hear me at all. "They also put a security camera at the back of the building."
"All right. I'll check."
"I expect you to answer my texts, Saige. I need you to tell me what you're doing each day, where you're going, and who you're with. And if I don't hear from you, I'm going to assume the worst and call the police."
"God, haven't I been humiliated enough?"
"Saige, this isn't a joke. You could have been killed."
She chokes back a sob. I think she may have cried more than I have over the past two weeks. I've found myself comforting her more than once, which is not a position I want to be in.
I want someone to comfort me. I miss Dax.
I haven't talked to him since, but he calls and texts every day.
I'll watch it ring until it goes to voicemail, or I'll stare at the messages, rereading them.
One night when I couldn't sleep, I played a voicemail he left me over and over again, and when I woke up the next morning, I was so angry at myself for it that I instantly deleted it. I don't keep his messages anymore.
I'm terrified of seeing him. I don't know how long I'll be able to avoid him after I get back to campus.
And to make things worse, my subconscious doesn't care how much he hurt me. I dream about him almost every night. And usually, they aren't even those kinds of dreams—he just holds me, makes me laugh, or lets me cry, and until I open my eyes in the morning, I feel safe.
"I don't think it's a joke; I'm just processing it. I'll text every day. I don't want to get swatted by my mom."
"All right," she says, wiping her eyes before shaking her head. "Eat your sandwich."
My mom ended up coming into the residence hall so she could check the window herself and then spent half an hour interrogating the people at the front desk about safety protocols before finally leaving, declaring she'd go to the West Pine Police Department next.
Finally alone in my room, I lie back on the bed and take out my phone to call Nolan, but a knock on the door interrupts me.
It startles me more than it should. Maybe I'm not as ready for this as I thought.
"Saige? It's me."
I cross the room, and as I open the door, Kira practically falls into me, pulling me into her arms.
"Oh, my god. I'm so glad you're okay. I've been freaking out. I mean, the entire campus has been freaking out, honestly. Shit like this doesn't happen at West Pine."
"I know," I tell her. "I know. I've been freaking out, too. Um, here. Let's sit down."
"Oh, right," she says, following me to the bed and sitting on the edge beside me. "How are you feeling?"
"Really tired. I get headaches, but I'm okay."
"I'm surprised you came back, honestly. I don't know if I'd be able to."
I shrug. "Yeah, I mean, I'm scared, but if I don't, then he wins, doesn't he?"
And he doesn't get to win—not in my story where I'm the goddamn hero. I reach for the molar hanging from my neck, rubbing it between my fingers.
"Yeah, you're right. So…the cops talked to me. I guess they spoke to your ex, and it wasn't him after all, huh?"
"No…it wasn't."
I can't imagine his surprise. I'm sure he hasn't thought about me once since Elias paid Sasha to sleep with him, and then the police show up at his house and accuse him of leaving a dead squirrel in my dorm and trying to kidnap me.
And yeah, I know, the squirrel was Elias. But, of course, I'd made the mistake of sharing that with Kira and telling her it was an ex, so I had no choice but to attribute it to the person who'd been stalking me. When they asked for a name, I gave them the name of my grad date.
"Do they have any leads yet?"
"No…apparently not."
"So much weird shit has been happening around here lately. Did you hear someone called in a bomb threat to the lit building last week?"
"Yeah, I saw that on Instagram. That's crazy."
"They cancelled classes for the entire campus for two days. It ended up being some townie who lives in his parents' basement. And that guy who went to look for his missing fiancé and popped up two months later with amnesia—did you hear about that?"
My heart stops. "Oh, yeah. My mom mentioned something about it last night."
"He looks just like the guy you were dancing with at the glow party, except he doesn't have a beard."
I swallow a lump in my throat. "Does he? I barely remember anything about that guy, just that he got weird really quickly."
I know she was wasted, but how much does Kira remember about that night and the dark basement? Did Miles ever tell her his name? I don't really remember the two of them speaking before we walked her home.
"Anyway, you're lucky Elias was there. He really saved you, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"We've been talking a bit. He's either really worried about you, or he likes me. He said you don't answer his texts."
"I've mostly been sleeping. Looking at my phone hurts my eyes."
"But you texted me," she says. "I was thinking, maybe since Elias is a hero now, I could have your consent to hang out with him. I mean, he clearly isn't the monster you made him out to be."
She might as well have punched me in the gut, because that's how it feels right now. And it's not only uncomfortable, it's deeply unsettling because I think what I'm feeling…is jealousy.
But that can't be right. Because I don't want Elias.
Do I think about that night more than I should? Yes. I can't help it; it felt good, at least in the moment. I think maybe there's always just been too much between us. It had to boil over at some point.
That's what happened in his room on Halloween—it boiled over. Elias caught his prey, and I…
I loved every fucking minute of it. I loved how fucking desperate he was for me and all the disgusting shit he growled into my ear. And I've hated myself ever since.
"Kira…" I shake my head. "No. You're just going to have to trust me on this."
"What? I'm a big girl. I can handle it."
"I know him better than you do. Anyway, you're my friend, and he's my stepbrother. I don't like it. There are twenty-thousand other guys on campus—you said so yourself."
"Yeah, fine. I can't promise I won't bring it up again, though. Anyway, do you want to do something tonight?"
"No," I tell her. "I just don't have the energy for it. Nolan is supposed to come over, too—I was just about to text him."
"Aw, fine. I'll go ask Ashlee. Make sure he doesn't knock any staples loose."
"I already got those out, actually, but thank you."
"Text me if you need anything."
"Thanks. You're a good friend."
"I know."
She leaves, and I roll over in bed, scroll down to Nolan's name, and hit call.