Chapter 3
a pile of bricks
Dax
Itake a swig of my whiskey and then lean back against Nolan's headboard, seething while I watch him get ready to see Saige.
I don't think I've been sober since Halloween, and I don't want to be.
I've maybe gone to class twice in the past two weeks.
I can't quite put my finger on what this feeling is, but I know I fucking hate it, and I know when I drink and smoke it into oblivion, it's more of a dull ache than a pile of bricks sitting at the center of my chest.
I can't think about anything else. I can't sleep; I can't paint.
Sometimes, I can barely fucking breathe.
I probably take my phone out to text her ten times a day, and then I stare at the wall of unanswered messages, and I just get angry, like I am now.
But later, I'll miss her again and text her, anyway.
"It's not fair," I tell him for about the eightieth goddamn time. I'm a broken record; it's become my mantra, but I don't give a fuck. "I didn't even do anything to her. She's punishing me for no reason, and you're enabling her."
Nolan sighs, pulling a hoodie over his long-sleeved shirt before pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Dax, I can't have this conversation again.
You don't get to decide what hurts her and what doesn't. She told you she loved you, and you told her to go away.
You gave Elias your costume and your phone.
Maybe you didn't know what he was going to do, but you didn't ask, either. "
"Fine. Let's have a different conversation."
"Great. What is it? I can't wait."
"I don't want you to see her anymore."
He freezes with his back to me, and then turns, incredulous.
"What?"
"This won't work. She can't break up with one of us and stay with the other, and I won't let her take you from me."
"That's not what's happening."
"Yes, it is. Maybe not right now—but it will happen. This isn't sustainable."
"Dax, you've never been monogamous."
"Well, that's only because I didn't realize you wanted that. You've never asked, have you?"
"I…no, but—"
"Now, I'm the one asking. We're the only ones who really know each other—who understand each other. It should just be us, don't you think?"
"I mean, yeah, I did. But now—"
"But now what? You let Saige change the way you feel about me? You know me. You know I'm not the monster she thinks I am."
"No, she didn't change the way I feel about you, and I don't think you're a monster."
"She hurt me." And yeah, maybe it's my fault, but she never gave me a chance to explain. She just completely cut me out, like a bad habit or some kind of disease.
She told me she loved me. People who love you don't do that, do they?
"It's bad timing, Dax. You let me fall for her; you knew it was happening, and you didn't reel me back in. And I don't want to let her go—I promised her I wouldn't leave. Oh, and by the way, she would never ask me to do this to you."
"Then…maybe you can talk to her for me. Or maybe you could convince her that she should see me."
Nolan sighs. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Well, why not? It's worked before."
"Because…I just—"
"You just what? I'm not asking you for a fucking kidney, Nolan, Jesus. I'm just asking you to talk to Saige. Tell her I miss her."
"I'd give you a kidney in a heartbeat, Dax, but I can't talk to Saige for you."
"Well, why the hell not?!"
"Because I'm too afraid you'll just hurt her again! And you really hurt her. I mean, fuck, Dax. You don't have to see it, but I do. I think you hurt her worse than whoever it was in that alley."
"It was Miles."
"Mmm, we don't know that yet. It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? To do something like that and then just pop up in the news, claiming you have amnesia?"
"Doesn't make a lot of sense that he's not fucking dead, either." I watch Nolan run his fingers through his dark, wet hair before putting on his glasses, a pang of longing hitting me right in the chest before I take another pull from the bottle. "Nolan, don't go. Stay here with me."
"She's scared, Dax. You don't really want her to be alone and scared, do you?"
I sigh. No, of course not. I don't want my princess to be scared; I'd never want that. But…"If she's scared, she should come here."
"She's not going to do that, and I'm not going to ask her to."
"I won't hurt her."
"You said that last time. I don't understand, Dax—what is she to you, anyway? You don't love her, and when someone asked if you were her boyfriend, you said, fuck no, and then you handed her over to Elias after you told her you'd keep her safe."
Fuck.
That pile of bricks just got a little heavier.
"I don't need you to say all of that out loud; I remember what happened. I was there."
"Well, then what are you even doing? What do you want?"
"I don't know," I say honestly. "I don't know what I want. I just know I miss her."
"If you don't know what you want from people, you should leave them alone. It's not fair to do that to someone who loves you."
"You think she still loves me?"
"Mmm…I mean, it doesn't just go away. But that doesn't mean she wants to or that you should use it against her in some way."
"Use it against her? What's that supposed to mean? Who do you think I am?"
"I know you. I know who you are, but I also didn't think you'd hurt her like you did, you know?"
"I didn't mean to…I never wanted any of that to happen."
"You told me you'd be careful with her," he says. And I can hear the anger—his own hurt—in his voice this time. "You weren't thinking about me, either…when you did what you did."
I laugh a little and take another shot from the bottle in my fist. "So, what? You're mad at me now, too?"
"No. I just hate this. I hate that everything's so hard now and that it probably is unsustainable, like you said, and that means that I'm going to get hurt, too." He shakes his head before turning toward the bathroom. "I'll be right back."
"I'm sorry," I tell him. "I'm sorry for not thinking about how it would affect you. I never wanted you to get hurt."
"Yeah, well, that's a problem, isn't it? You don't think about how your actions affect other people."
He closes the door behind him, and I bring the whiskey to my lips once more before standing on unsteady legs.
Yeah, I'm definitely wasted. I've lost track of how many days in a row I've woken up vomiting bile, but tomorrow is going to be another one.
I'm just about to head to the kitchen and maybe grab some carbs to soak up some of this shit when the screen on Nolan's phone glows in my periphery, quietly vibrating against the mattress.
It's a video call from Saige.
I glace toward the bathroom door, but there's no way he's heard it. After snatching it from the bed, I stumble down the staircase, not answering until I'm well out of earshot.
My heart pounds in my chest as I slide my thumb across the screen to answer the call.
"Hi, baby."
Her face all but crushes me—and not just the disappointment, but the bruised jaw and the dark circles under her eyes.
"Oh…sorry. Did I…"
"No, you didn't call me. And don't worry, Nolan didn't tell me I could answer; he doesn't know.
I just wanted to see your pretty face and tell you I miss you…
I miss you so fucking much, Saige. I kind of feel like I'm going crazy.
" I feign a laugh, but it's not fucking funny.
There's nothing funny about losing your goddamn mind.
Saige turns to the side, pulling her sleeve over her hand before wiping tears from under her eyes. "Um…" She pauses, her voice cracking. "Is Nolan there? Or maybe I should just go…"
"No, don't do that. Don't go. He's here—he's just in the bathroom. I'm sure he'll be out in a minute. How are you, baby? How are you feeling? Are you eating enough?"
"Dax…"
"What? What's wrong?"
"Please, don't do this to me."
"Saige, I'm not doing anything to you."
"You're fucking with me!" she sobs. "I can't do it anymore."
"Hey, don't cry. Please? I don't want you to cry."
"I have to go. Just…tell Nolan to call me."
"Wait," I tell her. "Don't hang up yet. Maybe I could walk down there with Nolan…
and just hold you for a minute. And then I'll leave—I promise.
I just really want to see you. I know you're probably scared, and you like it when I hold you.
And I was fucking terrified when you were in the hospital, and they said I couldn't see you because I wasn't family, and it wasn't fair. Please let me see you."
"I don't want to see you, Dax. You're not good for me. And I don't fit with you, either, and you know that. You don't want me. It'll only make it worse for both of us."
"That's not true." Tears well behind my eyes. I'd blame the alcohol, but it isn't the first time I've cried in the past two weeks—not even close. "I want you more than anything."
"I know it's true because you showed me. I'd be stupid to believe anything different."
"Saige, please…"
"I'm hanging up now."
"Please, don't—"
But the call disconnects, and I'm left staring at Nolan's home screen.
"Fuck!"
I drop down onto the couch and hold my head in my hands.
"You okay?" Nolan asks. "And have you seen my—"
"Phone? Yeah. I have it. Ripley called; I talked to her. Don't be mad at me."
"Oh…" Nolan narrows his eyes. He doesn't look mad, but he's definitely not happy about it, either. "How'd that go?"
"I made her cry, and then she hung up on me." I toss the phone onto the coffee table and then sink further into the couch. "I guess you have to go now, right?"
I scoff, and Nolan sits on the coffee table, facing me.
"Dax…you're making this really hard for me. I feel terrible—is that what you want?"
I shake my head, shrugging. "I just want everything to go back to the way it was."
"Well, we can't go back, Dax. That's not how life works. But I can stay with you…for a while, if you need me. I'll just text Saige and let her know I'll be there later."