Chapter 23
the end of something
Saige
"Istill don't understand why you didn't just tell him to stay."
This day has passed at a mind-numbing pace. The three of us are about an hour into a movie because I needed the distraction, but it really isn't working.
And I don't understand what's taking so long. They were supposed to release him from the hospital this afternoon, and I know my stepdad, who insisted on picking him up, has been there since three o'clock.
It's after eight now.
I sigh, leaning against Dax's shoulder with Nolan at my other side. "I can't, Dax. It's selfish…especially after everything that happened."
"It'll be okay, Saige," Nolan says, taking my hand.
"Yeah…I know."
I know it will be okay, but it won't be like this. Maybe we'll even last through the summer, but I'll be with them, and he'll be alone. It'll drive him fucking insane. And he's already fucking insane.
Not to mention all the girls who'll throw themselves at his feet, like he said. Eventually, he'll wonder what was so fucking great about me in the first place, and he'll realize it's nothing. Maybe he'll even revamp all the old reasons he used to hate me and use them against me again.
I know I made a choice—I could go. But he's the one who changed the rules. He's disrupting my equilibrium by removing himself from the equation. I can't do that, especially not right now, when I'm still learning how to step outside alone without being afraid.
I don't need change. I need my best friend, and I need my peace.
And so, it's nobody's fault. He has to do what's best for him, too, and I don't have to look far to find a million reasons why he and I might not be what's best for each other.
It doesn't mean I have to like it.
Finally, the front door swings open, and Elias steps inside, followed by Alex.
"What's up, guys?"
Dax immediately stands, moving toward the door to give him a hug. "Hey, who's this fucking hippie?"
"Dude, shut up. First thing I'm going to do when I get to Toronto is get a haircut. I kind of like the beard, though. What do you think, Saige?"
"It doesn't really matter what I think."
He tilts his head. "Yeah, it does."
"How are you, Saige?" Alex asks.
He's awkward around me now. I know he doesn't like seeing us together, either, but that's not the part that really makes him uncomfortable.
It's that he's spent enough time around the house and the hospital to figure out the dynamics of the relationships between the four of us. He asked Elias to explain it about a week ago, and he did. He told me he was very upset.
Elias thought it was funny, but I don't. At least he hasn't told my mom yet.
"How'd you do on your finals?"
"Three A's and one B."
"That's great. Your mom will be glad to hear it. You should come home before classes start. She misses you."
"Yeah, okay."
But I don't know if I will. I know she's probably thrilled that Elias is leaving, and I don't think I'm ready to see that yet.
Alex's gaze falls from my eyes to the hand clasping Nolan's on the couch before he turns back to Elias.
"I need to take a few pictures of your room for the movers, then I'll get out of here.
They said they'll send someone on the third, and then it'll take at least a week to get everything to Toronto. "
"What do I need to do?" Elias asks.
"Nothing—they'll pack everything up for you. Just bring enough clothes to get you through until then."
"You want a drink?" Dax asks Elias as Alex heads upstairs.
"Are you offering me a drink in my own house, bro?"
"Well, technically, you don't live here anymore, do you?"
Elias rolls his eyes, and then reaches behind Dax, grabbing a bottle of gin from the cabinet. "I'll have the bottle. You have no idea how much I want a fucking drink." After taking a shot, he sits beside me and asks, "How's my girl?"
"I'm okay."
"She's a little grumpy because it took you so long to get home," Dax says.
"Is that right?" Elias smiles, cupping my face in his hands. "Did you miss me, baby?"
He looks so fucking happy. I hate that I hate it. "Yeah, I missed you. And I do like the beard."
He presses his forehead to mine before kissing me slowly. I close my eyes, breathing him in before his tongue slips past my lips.
Yeah, I missed him. Yeah, I hate it. But if this is the last day we have together—our last chance to exist outside of reality, in this place where what we have is real and it's not a sickness or an obsession that'll fade with the distance between us—I don't want to waste it.
I want to stay here. I want to bathe in it.
And maybe there's a version of myself somewhere who's older and wiser than I am now, and she sees this all a lot more clearly than I do.
Maybe she's healed, and she never thinks about it.
Or maybe she does—maybe it keeps her awake at night, and she resents me for believing this was love and letting it go as far as I did.
Maybe she sees Elias at Christmas with his wife, and it makes her feel small and stupid. Maybe she sees Dax around town, but he never looks up, and she never sees Nolan, because he moved away, too.
It makes me want to fucking vomit.
But I can't worry about her right now. I'll save that for tomorrow.
Alex clears his throat, and Elias laughs against my lips before breaking the kiss. "Yeah?"
"I'm going to hit the road. I'll be back in the morning around six-thirty to take you to the airport, so make sure you're ready to go."
"All right," Elias says. "Saige will come with us, too."
"What?"
He shoots me a puzzled look. "You'll come with me, won't you? I want to spend every minute I can with you before I go."
"Um, I guess…if Alex doesn't mind driving me back afterward."
"You don't mind, do you, Dad?"
Alex shrugs. "No, that's fine."
"Cool." Elias crosses the room and hugs his dad. "See you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow, son."
He leaves, pulling the door closed behind him, and then Elias turns to us, taking another swig from his bottle of gin before saying, "All right—all of you need to get the fuck up and get dressed. We're going out."
"I am dressed," Nolan says.
"Well, except for you, then. Let's go. It's New Year's Eve, I just spent a fucking decade in the goddamn hospital, and it's my last night on this campus…" He pauses, pointing to me. "As a student, Saige. And I want to go out, so let's fucking go out."
Dax shrugs. "Sure, why the fuck not? Just let me grab a shower beer and give me twenty minutes."
"Saige?"
"Yeah, I'll go get ready."
Sighing, I get up and head toward my bedroom, but Elias stops me, placing a hand on my arm before kissing me again. "Don't be sad, Saige."
"I'm not. I mean, I won't be. I just want to have a good night."
"Good," he says. "That's what I want, too."
I force a smile before disappearing into my bedroom, then I sit at the end of my bed and try to get my shit together.
I can do this. I can bathe in it one more time.
I pull on a black leather skirt with wide fishnet leggings, my lucky boots, and a low-cut top before curling my hair and putting on makeup. When I'm finished, I find the three of them in the living room, all with drinks in their hands.
Each one of them looks up at me, their eyes roving over my body. I stand up a little taller. "What?" I ask. "It's New Year's Eve."
"Nothing," Dax says. "You look good."
"Well, let's go, then."
I grab my bag and the four of us walk to a club on the far end of campus. There's a line, but Dax knows the bouncer working the door, and we're quickly waved to the front of the line.
It isn't long before someone recognizes Elias, and then they swarm him like he's some kind of fucking celebrity—which I guess he kind of is—shaking his hand and asking if they can take selfies with him.
I don't get the same treatment—just a few drunk hugs from girls I don't know with sad faces, asking if I'm okay. But I guess that's an improvement.
Eventually, Elias gets rid of the fan club, and we all head for the bar.
"You know," Dax says into my ear. "After we get a drink, you should go to the washroom and take your panties off."
"Weird that you assume I'm wearing any," I tell him.
"That's my girl." He smiles, kissing me quickly, before turning to Nolan, who stands behind us with his arms crossed in front of him. "Are you doing okay?" Dax asks. "It's crowded as fuck."
"I'm okay," Nolan says. "I'll be better when I get some more alcohol."
"Here," Elias says, passing us all drinks. "Someone bought us a round of shots, too—hold on."
"All right, I'd like to make a toast," Dax says after we all take a shot glass. "To Elias. May you have a terrible fucking time in Toronto and come back home soon."
"Bro, what the hell?"
"Sorry, the glasses clicked. It's done. It's over."
Nolan and Dax laugh, but I don't. I wonder if that's really what they hope happens, too.
Lost in thought, I set my shot glass down on the counter, accidentally making eye contact with Kira at the far end of the bar. Instead of turning away, I steel my spine, glaring at her until she's the one looking down at her shoes.
Good.
"Let's go dance, baby," Dax says, taking my hand.
"Wait," Elias says. "I want to try something really quick."
"What?" I ask.
He places a hand on my hip, slowly closing the space between us until his lips meet mine. I close my eyes, kissing him back, wrapping my arms around him before deepening the kiss and pulling his lower lip through my teeth.
I want to bite him, like he bit me. I can't explain it, but I want to taste his blood, like he did mine.
I just barely stop myself.
"That's better," he says against my lips.
"What do you mean?"
"You…letting me kiss you." The hand on my waist drops to my ass, gripping it in his palm. "And touch you."
My heart breaks a little more. "It doesn't bother me anymore."
"Really?"
I nod. "I love you."
I see the sadness in my own eyes mirrored in his for just a second before Dax takes my hand. "Let's go, baby," he says, pulling me through a sea of people.