Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Nineteen
Allie couldn’t remember the last time she’d been awake until 4 a.m.
She was routinely awake at four—after a good night’s sleep, her alarm rousing her so she could shower before starting the early baking at the café—but never until four.
The last party guests had left half an hour earlier, and she’d collapsed on the sofa with Ren and Anisha. Ryan had flopped down into the good armchair, and they all sipped periodically from the large glasses of cold water that Anisha had retrieved from the kitchen before she sat down.
Party detritus was everywhere. Beer cans, wine bottles, ashtrays full of the stubs of joints, someone’s forgotten cardigan, an inexplicably abandoned sock. The furniture was still pushed up against the wall, and the music still played, but the apartment was like the site of a carnival that had just been packed and towed away. Only memories and garbage remained.
“That was fun. I think I’m drunk.” Ren’s voice was muffled by Anisha’s shoulder.
“Honey, you were drunk and then sober and then drunk again.” Anisha patted Ren’s head tenderly. “Drink your water. And I’ll make sure you take some Advil before bed.”
“Bed?” Ren raised their head slightly. Allie saw a glint in their eyes and laughed.
“Why don’t you two head to bed, and Ryan and I will clean up?”
“Are you sure?” Anisha asked, but she was already standing and pulling Ren up by their arms. “We could stay up and help…” Her words were interrupted by Ren, now with some kind of lustful second wind, pulling her toward her bedroom door.
Ryan pushed himself out of the chair with a groan. “We got it, kids. You head off. We’ll even leave the music on so we don’t hear… things . Our gift to you.”
As Ren and Anisha retreated, giggling, Allie was reminded of how happy she was not to have a roommate. Not that she was ever worried about anyone overhearing the loud sex she wasn’t having. Her brain once again called up unwanted images of Ryan in her bed. She was working so hard to dislodge the thoughts, she jumped when Ryan touched her shoulder.
“Sorry!” He chuckled. “You asleep on your feet?”
“No.” She laughed awkwardly. It sounded like a bad Woody Woodpecker impression. “I’m fine. Let’s get this done.”
Ryan retrieved two garbage bags from under the kitchen sink, and they went to work, sweeping cans into one and trash into the other. Ryan stacked the wine bottles in a cardboard box by the door, and Allie swept the dirty floor, singing along with Ella Fitzgerald, who was wondering what someone was doing New Year’s Eve.
“Ah!” Ryan called from across the room. “This is the Christmas section of the playlist. I had to beg Anisha to let me put some holiday songs on there. She had a strict “no Jesus songs” rule, but I managed to sneak some in.”
“Do you stay in the city for Christmas?” Allie stooped to sweep a mound of dirt into the dustpan.
“Yep.” Ryan stopped moving and looked off into the glittery Brooklyn night beyond the big windows. “I’ve never really had enough cash to go on vacation or anything. And I’m not really welcome back home, of course. My family thinks I’m out here fixin’ to hand out abortions and vegan cupcakes every day.”
“The horror!” Allie giggled.
“Yeah, well, I’m living in New York and not going to church. It’s all the same thing to them.”
Allie could hear the sadness behind his words. She caught his eye from across the room. “I’m sorry. That sounds rough.”
Ryan shrugged. “Well, I usually say it is what it is, but you’re right. Thank you. It is rough.”
They continued their cleaning. The bags filled up quickly, and the apartment began to look normal again. When Allie had cleared the last of the plates and cups from the living room and rinsed them in the sink, she stood for a moment, observing the room with her hands on her hips.
“Should we move the furniture back?”
Ryan was about to answer when one song on the playlist faded into another, and he looked over at the speakers with reverence. “Oh, here we go. Mahalia Jackson.”
Allie leaned back against the kitchen counter as the first verse of “Go Tell It on the Mountain” poured into the room like honey. Ryan walked toward her.
“One more dance? Before this night is officially over?”
Allie bit her lip and nodded.
He wrapped his left arm around her waist and, with his other hand, took hers gently and folded their arms against his chest. Ryan sang happily along with the music, and she smiled at him. All of the tension about the temporary mess and uncertainty in her life receded. Ryan’s closeness and enthusiasm for this one Jesus-y Christmas hymn allowed her to be in the moment.
And she fucking loved the moment. He smelled so good, even after hours of partying. His hair was slightly mussed; the first two buttons of his shirt were undone. His strong arm around her waist held her warm body against his.
“Oh!” Ryan spoke suddenly, pulling her out of her fog of contentment. “That Ayla thing! We didn’t even get to talk about it!”
Allie looked at his chest and imagined laying her head down against him, listening for his heartbeat.
“I mean, come on!” Ryan continued. “What a break! We can call Ayla and—What?” He stopped talking, focusing on Allie’s face. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” Allie said firmly. “I am okay.”
“Did you want to talk about Ayla?” As the words left his mouth, Ryan seemed to realize that maybe she did not want to talk about Ayla. Allie shook her head.
Ryan moved closer to her. It was a barely perceptible move, a shuffle of approximately half an inch, a tightening of his hand around her waist, but Allie felt it. She slid her hand farther along his shoulder, closer to his neck.
“What do you want, Allie?” Ryan’s voice was quieter suddenly. Allie was sure he could hear her heart beating over Mahalia Jackson’s soulful wail.
Well, here goes nothing.
She looked up at him. His eyes dipped down and rested on her lips.
Fuck it.
“I kind of want to kiss you.”
What a ridiculous way to say it.
She looked away, desperate to travel three minutes back in time.
Ryan’s warm hands moved from her body and gently turned her face toward him. He was smiling.
“Should we…talk about—I mean…is it—I…Oh forget it.”
He kissed her. And she kissed him back.
His soft lips were gentle against hers at first, but the urgency quickly built. His hands moved from her head to her neck, then down the sides of her body.
Ryan removed his lips from hers for a moment but left his forehead touching hers. He traced one finger along the ribbon of bare skin between her shirt and pants. “This inch of your skin has been driving me wild all night.”
Allie trembled.
He leaned down farther so he could kiss her neck, gripping his body closer to hers. She wasn’t sure how to process all of this, but luckily, her mind was occupied with other jobs, like sending pulses of heat to her low belly. She was so turned on she could hardly stand up.
She could feel Ryan’s hardness against her as his hands moved around her waist and pulled her closer to him. His tongue tentatively moved between her lips, and she opened her mouth, wanting as much of him as she could get in that moment.
“ Sweet Jesus’s ghost. ” He murmured the words into her mouth and moved his hands back up to her face, kissing her with decided passion. She usually laughed when his Southern expressions came out, but she felt no urge to laugh at this moment. She just wanted to keep kissing him. If things could happen exactly according to her wishes at that moment, it would be the two of them, naked, immediately.
The song ended and another one began. Allie registered the change only vaguely. At the front of her mind was how Ryan’s hands were now moving down her body. She gasped as his right hand slid across her breast over the thin fabric of her shirt.
“Is this okay?” His whisper made her stomach lurch. She could hardly choke out an affirmation. He went back to kissing her hungrily. Her knees trembled.
“Let’s go to your room,” she whispered.
“Yeah?” He drew back slightly and looked into her eyes. She nodded and took his hand, trying to control the urgency with which she pulled him toward his bedroom door. She stood by his bed, momentarily awkward, as he quietly shut the door. The click of the lock was the most erotic sound Allie had ever heard. She could not wait for whatever was about to happen in this room, on that bed.
Ryan was by her side again quickly, turning her slightly so her back was against the wall. His hand was back at her breast, and the other wrapped around her waist. Her body was on fire. She grabbed handfuls of his shirt in her fists, pulling his body into hers. She could not get him close enough. Pushing harder against her, he bent and gently bit the tender flesh of her neck. She moaned.
“Can I take your top off?” His voice sounded strangled, as if he could barely control it.
“Yes, please.” Allie’s words were heavy with desperation. Ryan slid his hands around her back and began loosening the knot of her wrap shirt.
“This knot back here is infuriating,” he whispered in her ear. “It’s the only thing keeping me from putting my hands on you.”
Allie felt her knees grow even weaker. Ryan made short work of the knot and soon was pulling her blouse down over her shoulders. She was wearing a bra that barely qualified as one, a thin lace thing that was the only one she had with a V deep enough to not show under the shirt.
Ryan moaned as he looked at her. “Should we…lie down?” His voice was warm against her ear.
“Oh yes.”
He turned her around, and she finally let her knees buckle as Ryan lowered her down onto his wide bed. His blankets were warm and soft. She pushed herself up toward his pillows, and he joined her, hovering over her on his hands and knees. He leaned his face down and took her breast in his mouth, licking and sucking through the thin lace. Her eyes rolled back. She whimpered.
“Take your clothes off.” She could barely get the words out.
Ryan’s voice was close to her ear again. She could feel his beard against the sensitive skin of her neck. “You’re good with that?”
She nodded and opened her eyes to watch him unbutton his shirt and pull off the T-shirt he wore underneath. As he pushed his jeans down over his legs, she held her breath in anticipation.
“You’re staring at me.” He stopped, a hint of nervousness crossing his face for a fleeting moment. He was wearing only a pair of black boxer briefs, his stomach hanging over the waistband. He had a tattoo of a tree running up one arm. Allie stared at it, amazed that she got to see him like this.
Ryan saw her staring at his tattoo and looked down at it himself. “It’s a longleaf pine.”
“It’s really beautiful. You—” She felt suddenly shy, now that they weren’t all over each other. “You look great.”
Ryan’s eyes softened, and his cheeks went red. Then he seemed to remember why they were in his bedroom in the first place, as his eyes wandered over her body stretched out on his bed. “I’d like to see much more of you right now, if that’s okay.”
“That is more than okay.”
Their passion returned the minute he touched her, tracing his hand down her belly to the button of her pants. He pulled them over her hips, taking her underwear with them, and then returned quickly to her bra, which he unclasped and tossed over his shoulder in a way that she found almost unbearably hot.
He pressed his body onto hers, and she could feel him holding himself up slightly, worrying about crushing her. He didn’t need to worry. She was dying to feel his full body pressing into every part of hers. She moved one hand down and pushed past the waistband of his underwear, wrapping her fingers around him. His sharp intake of breath made her blush. He let himself relax into the bed, just to one side of her, as much of his body touching hers as possible as she moved her hand slowly.
“Is that okay?” she asked him.
“I like it.” He moaned and moved his own hand down her belly and slid one finger into her soaking sex. “How about this?”
“Mmm-hmmmm.” She could only moan her affirmation.
“You’re so wet.” His fingers circled.
Her eyes fluttered closed. “Oh…”
Ryan’s breath was warm as he spoke into her ear.
“Allie, you are just so beautiful. And sexy.” He kissed her face softly, his fingers moving faster. “Can I put my mouth on you?”
“Fuuuuuck, yes.” She struggled to speak. She took her hand off him, mentally resolving to return to that later, and let him gently slide her body to the edge of the bed. He knelt on the floor, positioning himself so his hot breath warmed her thighs.
He moved her legs farther apart slowly and then he paused, his eyes wandering all over her body. Just as Allie thought she was going to have to start begging, he pressed his mouth against her, holding her hips with his large hands.
His tongue parted her and took its time, gently and then more forcefully. She could no longer speak. He took one hand off her hip and slid his fingers inside her, holding her body firmly as he continued to make her feel as if she was going to explode. It didn’t take long. She was so wound up from their heated makeout—and from the months of wanting him—her orgasm arrived swiftly, coursing through her body. As she moaned and twisted, her body buzzing with waves of climax, she opened her eyes briefly and saw he was watching her. His eyes were tender.
He likes me. The thought cut through the pleasure clouding her brain. Maybe he has liked me this whole time.
As Allie recovered her ability to breathe, she was struck by how much time they’d wasted. Even though it was only a few months, why had they not spent them doing exactly what they were doing right now?
Grasping Ryan’s hand, she pulled him up toward her and started pulling his underwear down.
“You don’t need a rest?” He smiled, pressing his body against hers again.
She shook her head emphatically. “Do you have a condom?”
“Yes.” Ryan leaped off the bed and pulled open the bottom drawer of his dresser. He returned to the bed with the condom and a hard-on. Allie took the package from him and carefully ripped it open. He kneeled above her as she rolled the condom onto him.
He groaned and put one hand on her hip as though to steady himself. “You should be on top, if that’s okay. I don’t want to crush you.”
“Lie down, then.” She stared at him. He did as he was told. She climbed onto him, and he exhaled, eyes closing, hands running down her body and ending with a firm grip on her hips. He moved her, gently, back and forth on top of him. It lit up her body again, having him inside her. She tilted her head back and moved with him. She could feel her hair sweeping across her naked back as she rolled her hips.
“You look amazing,” Ryan murmured. He was breathing hard. “Can I touch you again?”
She moaned and nodded. “Uh-huh.”
Keeping one hand on her hip, he moved the other one to touch her exactly where his tongue had been. Allie’s breath came out in short gasps, and they found a rhythm together, moving slowly and then speeding up, together. Ryan’s eyes were closed, his head tipped back. She noticed the fair hair on his chest and arms and the map of freckles across his shoulders. He was gorgeous. And right now, he was hers.
His circling fingers sped up. She felt herself clenching.
“Allie, I…” Ryan panted. “Allie, I don’t think I can hang on for much longer. You feel so good. I want to make you come again.”
His words lit a fire in her, and the wave of intensity she was riding peaked. She closed her eyes and felt herself tighten around him. Tilting her head back, she cried out, her body writhing with a second, deeper rush of pleasure. She shouted his name. Probably more than once. She moved her hands to Ryan’s chest so she didn’t collapse.
“Good?” Ryan was breathless, staring into her eyes. She couldn’t speak, so she nodded. He closed his eyes, tipping his head back and pushing into her with a yelp.
“Allie. Oh god, Allie. Oh, please…don’t…stop.” He moaned. He grabbed her weakened, sweaty body and held her close to him, one hand on her back, one hand tangled in her hair. “Oh, Allie .”
And then it was over. And then they were just themselves again, the veil of lust slowly lifting. Allie collapsed beside him on the bed, breathing hard, suddenly noticing the silence of the room. For the first time since they’d kissed, she found herself remembering that he was her friend Ryan. Maybe this had all been a careless mistake. Maybe he didn’t really want this.
As if to answer her thoughts, Ryan reached for her, pulling their sweaty bodies back together.
“Hot damn, Allie,” he murmured into her ear. “ Hot damn. That was amazing.”
She could be nervous tomorrow. For now, she just wanted to sleep.