Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CALEB
“Cale, wait up!”
I glance over my shoulder as my brother’s voice calls out, slowing to a stop when I reach the door that leads out of the arena. We all came in for a morning practice, but thankfully we have off this evening. As much as I like games, I’m looking forward to having the evening to hang with Tella.
“Hey,” he says a little breathlessly as he jogs over to me. I push open the exit door and hold it for him as he walks out ahead of me. “You seem like you’re in a rush to get out of here. The guys were all talking about going and getting a late lunch or something. Did you want to come too?”
I shake my head, letting the door close behind us. The fall air is crisp as we walk through the parking lot to our cars. “I don’t think so, not today. Tella has a riding lesson later and I want to take her instead of having Mia take her.”
Carson raises an eyebrow at that. “How are things going with that? I feel like I haven’t really gotten a chance to ask you about it, but Andi told me about yesterday.”
“Things are going well.” I adjust my bag on my shoulder, keeping my gaze in front of me. “What did she say?”
Carson lets out a low chuckle. “Just that it looks like the two of you are getting along just fine.” He pauses by my car and I feel his stare on the side of my face. “She said you’re nicer to her than anyone else, except for T.”
Reaching into my pocket, I press the button on my key fob to unlock the door and pop open the trunk, tossing my bag inside before closing it. “She’s taking care of my daughter. Of course I’m nice to her.”
Carson lifts his hands, an innocence smirk on his lips. “I didn’t say anything,” he says in a low voice. “I haven’t been around the two of you to make my own observations yet.”
I narrow my eyes at him as I walk to the driverside door and pull it open. “There’s nothing to observe. She’s my nanny and she’s Landry’s daughter. There’s nothing more to it than that.”
Carson steps closer, his hand grabbing the door as I get inside. “No one said she was anything more,” he says, a frown tugging his lips downwards. “It’s also not a crime if both of you are attracted to one another . . .”
“I’m not attracted to her.” The lie falls from my lips with zero hesitation, the bitterness lingering on my tongue. “Not in the way that I would act on it.”
Carson’s face scrunches. “What does that even mean?”
“It means yes, she’s attractive, but no, I won’t be acting on it.” I suck in a deep breath, my lungs expanding before I blow out the breath. “I—I can’t.”
“Why?” Carson questions me, his tone lighter.
My hands tighten on the steering wheel as I let my eyelids fall shut. “Because I don’t think I can. I don’t think I’m ready. I’m not sure if I ever will be.”
Carson’s silent as he lays his hand on my shoulder, giving me a gentle squeeze.
“And that’s okay too,” he says softly, giving me another squeeze.
“I think one day you will be, but only you will know when you are. Amelia wouldn’t want you like this, you know that, right?
She would want you happy, even if that means you’re finding happiness with another person. ”
My chest constricts as his words seep through the spaces between my ribs.
“Being attracted to someone else isn’t a betrayal to Amelia, and getting involved with someone else doesn’t mean you’re replacing her or forgetting about her.” He pauses letting out a soft exhale. “She’s not here, Cale. She’s not coming back.”
“I know that,” I admit, my voice hoarse and thick with emotion. “Moving on just feels wrong.”
“I can’t pretend to know how you’re feeling, but I promise you, it’s not wrong. It’s a normal part of the process of healing.” He releases his grip on my shoulder. “Life continues on and the ones who are living need to keep doing just that. It’s a disservice to the ones we’ve lost if we don’t.”
His words strike the organ beating beneath my ribcage.
I slowly loosen my grip on the steering wheel, letting my hands fall into my lap as I turn to look at my brother.
He’s so right and none of this is news to me.
I’ve gone over this with my therapist so many times, I could recite it word for word.
Although, this is the first time someone has given me this perspective. We truly are doing the dead a disservice by not living life to the fullest.
“Honor her by living your life, Cale.” Carson’s eyes slowly search mine. “Don’t take a single moment or a single second for granted.”
“Thanks, Cars.”
His lips lift into a smile. “Always, bro. I’m here for you—to war and back.”
“To war and back,” I murmur the words back to him, dipping my chin. Carson mimics my actions, tapping his hand on my car door before he heads to his own vehicle. I pull the door shut, staring straight ahead for a few moments, replaying the conversation with him in my head.
Honor her by living your life.
I let my eyelids flutter shut as I tilt my head back to rest against the headrest. My mind wanders, attempting to conjure the image of Amelia’s face behind my eyelids, but the memory is fuzzy. Her features aren’t crisp like they once were.
Her lips lift into a smile. It’s okay, babe. I hear her voice drifting through the darkness of my mind. Find the joy in life. Laugh and love, always.
I hold onto the moment for a few seconds before her face dissipates from my thoughts. Her words linger, long after I finally open my eyes and start the engine. Amelia would want me to be happy, but what if I don’t know how to be?
What if I’m too afraid to let myself feel that again?
What if I let someone in and lose them too?
As I walk through the house with two iced coffees in hand, I realize it’s quiet—too quiet.
My heart quickens in my chest, beating harder as my feet move faster.
I head through the living room and kitchen, pausing by the back door to see if they’re in the pool.
I need to close it within the next few weeks and I make a mental note to remind myself to have the pool company come out then.
There’s still no sign of Mia or Tella. I head back through the foyer to the stairs and make my way up to the second floor. I poke my head into all the rooms, my stomach flipping over itself when I don’t find them in Tella’s room.
Where the hell are they?
I slowly turn around and notice that the room Mia’s been staying in has the door left ajar.
I close the distance, walking directly up to it when I peer through the small space, catching sight of Mia and Tella.
They’re both sitting on the floor, Tella in front of Mia as she does some kind of a fancy braid with Tella’s dark hair.
Relief washes over me, my lungs deflating, heart slowing as I see that they’re both here, safe and sound. Lifting my foot, I tap on the door before pushing it open, gaining both of their attention. Mia glances over her shoulder at me as Tella does the same.
“Hi, Daddy,” Tella says softly, smiling from ear to ear. “Mia is doing a fishtail braid in my hair!”
“I see that, T,” I smile back at her, my eyes drifting to Mia’s as she watches me carefully. Her eyes are rounded again, giving me those puppy dog eyes as something like uncertainty passes through them. “Hey, pup.”
Blush creeps across her cheeks. “I’m not a puppy.”
Tella giggles, but doesn’t comment on it. She just settles back in front of Mia, patiently waiting for her to finish.
“How was practice?”
“Good,” I tell Mia, walking deeper into the room, standing to the side of them to watch Mia’s fingers move with precision to the ends of Mia’s hair. “You’re really good at that.”
“Thanks,” Mia says softly, grabbing a rubber band and wrapping it around the end of the braid. She releases Tella’s hair. “There you go, kiddo.”
Tella climbs to her feet, Mia doing the same as she turns around to face me. Tella speaks first as Mia’s gaze drifts over me and down to my daughter. “Are you coming to my lesson? The time changed.”
“Oh yes, her instructor called and asked if we could come at two. She had some things move around in her schedule and had time to do it earlier.”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” I promise Tella with a wink. “Go get the rest of your things.”
Tella smiles and nods before disappearing from Mia’s room. Mia’s eyes move back to mine and I extend my arm, holding one of the coffees to her. “I stopped by the coffee shop and got you an iced vanilla latte with two pumps of vanilla and vanilla cold foam.”
A smile crests Mia’s lips as she reaches for the drink.
Instinctively, I inhale a sharp breath as her fingers brush against mine.
“You remembered my order?” she says, her fingers still warm against mine, sending an electric heat to my nerve endings.
I let go of the cup as she wraps her delicate fingers around it.
Her throat bobs as she swallows. “Thank you.”
I clear my throat. “You’re welcome.”
“I’ll get my things and get out of your hair, since you’re home,” she says, shifting her weight on her feet.
She moves to spin on her heel and my hand darts out, grabbing her wrist before she turns away.
“Wait.” The word falls from my lips in a rush, heat creeping up my neck as my hand lingers a second longer than it should on her wrist. Her gaze drops to my hand but she doesn’t say anything about it as her eyes snap back to mine. “Do you want to come with us?”
Her eyes round again, her expression softening as I accidentally brush my thumb against the pulse point in her wrist. I release her, immediately feeling her absence, but I push the feeling away.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose,” she says, her eyes slowly searching mine.
“I’m sure.”
She dips her chin, a sheepish grin tugging on her lips. “I’d love to.”
The corners of my mouth twitch and I duck my head as she steps out of her room ahead of me. Asking her to come wasn’t exactly planned, but the thought of her not coming just didn’t feel right.
It’s a mindfuck I have no interest in dissecting right now.
Right now, I think I’m just going to try to live.