Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
MIA
Slowly sitting up in bed, the sheet and comforter pool around my waist and I turn my head to look at the alarm clock on the bedside table to my right, checking to see what ungodly time it is in the middle of the night.
A groan escapes me and my eyes linger for a second longer before I decide to throw the covers away from my body.
It’s almost four o’clock in the morning and I need to be up in almost three hours to get Tella out of bed and ready for school. It feels a little senseless to try and fall back asleep now, especially when I feel wide awake.
The last few nights have been spent tossing and turning, haunted by those grey eyes every time I close mine. I’ve been avoiding Caleb Ford since the night we kissed, which has been easy with him on the road for some away games.
He’s FaceTimed every day, but only to talk to Tella. As soon as their conversations were over, the call would end. He never once bothered to try and have a conversation with me other than to ask how she’s been and if he could talk to her.
It’s clear that the kiss was a momentary lapse in Caleb’s judgment. He has yet to bring it up and I’ll be damned if I’m the one who says anything to him about it. If I acknowledge it, that means it happened. And if it really happened, that means he most likely regrets it.
My bare feet hit the wood floor and I press up from the bed, grabbing my sweatshirt from the bottom of the bed and tugging it over my head.
I grab my hair, pull it out, and let it cascade down my back, then adjust my sleep shorts and tuck my feet into my slippers.
I head over to the bathroom to relieve myself and end up washing my face and brushing my teeth while I’m in there.
After I finish, my feet carry me over to the window and I push the curtains back, separating them as I peer up at the moon.
It’s massive tonight, bright and white as it appears closer than it actually is.
The full moon was last night, but we’re still blessed with the intensity of it tonight.
It’s inching closer to the horizon and it won’t be long before it will be hidden by the trees in the distance.
I stare up at it, inhaling deeply before letting a breath escape me.
There’s something calming about the moon, just like the ocean.
It’s unexplainable, but I feel the peacefulness drifting down my spine.
Down in the backyard, the pool shimmers with the lights beneath the surface. I overheard Caleb telling Tella that he has the closing scheduled for next week, but with how cold the weather has been getting, it’s probably best if she stays out at this point.
We’re nearing the end of October now and being in Maine, most of the warm days are behind us. I let my eyes continue to wander along the patio, past the hot tub and inching closer to the back deck when I see the outline of someone walking toward the pool.
My body becomes rigid in an instant. My heart stalls in my chest. The person pauses and turns back toward the house. When I catch sight of their features, my body sags with relief, although there’s a touch of confusion. It’s Caleb.
I didn’t think he was supposed to be home until tomorrow morning. I guess they ended up flying in earlier than anticipated.
Either way . . . It’s four o’clock in the morning and he’s wandering around his backyard in the dark.
He doesn’t look up at my window and instead, he walks over to one of the lounge chairs, lowering himself down onto its edge. He positions his elbows against his thighs, his fingers threading together.
I should crawl back into bed. I back away from the window, close my eyes, and let out a deep breath. I’m not sure what he’s doing down there, I should just leave him alone. But I feel drawn back to the window.
Caleb lifts a hand and runs his fingers along his forehead. Time hangs heavily in the air as he lifts his other hand, cradling his head as he lets it hang.
Go back to bed, Mia.
He’s not your problem.
An exaggerated sigh escapes me as I walk over to my dresser, pulling out a pair of sweat pants and quickly swap out my sleep shorts for them. Giving my room and my bed one last lingering glance, I slip out the door. I keep my steps light so I don’t wake Tella as I head down the stairs.
I wasn’t planning on going back to bed anyway.
I’m not so sure I ever stood a chance.
The alarm on the sliding glass door beeps twice as I ease it open, making my entrance known as I step out into the cool crisp air of the early morning.
Caleb lifts his head as if it weighs a ton, slow and deliberate.
My breath ceases as his gaze meets mine.
His hands hang between his legs and the muscle in his jaw relaxes as he sighs out a breath.
My heart shifts into overdrive and I suck in a sharp breath. My feet carry me across the deck, not stopping until I sit down on the lounge chair that is next to his. Caleb’s head turns and I can almost feel him studying the side of my face for a moment.
“Did I wake you?”
I shake my head, slowly turning to look at him. Even in just the glow from the pool, the dark circles underneath his eyes are evident. “No,” I whisper, then clear my throat since it’s the first time using my voice today. “I haven’t been sleeping well.”
He’s silent as his eyes scan my face. His lips part, as if he’s going to say something, but his mouth falls shut again. He drops his gaze, lowering it down to his hands again as he rubs his thumbs together.
“I thought you weren’t getting in for a few more hours?”
“Earlier flight. We landed around two.”
I roll my lips between my teeth, nervously tucking my hair behind my ears as the cool fall breeze drifts between Caleb and me. It feels like the distance grows, even though in reality we’re shoulder to shoulder.
My gaze drifts to his hands. He steeples his fingers before threading them back into the spaces between. “Are you okay?”
The muscle in his jaw flexes as he clamps his teeth together and then releases.
Moonlight outlines his side profile. Tense and hard, almost as if he’s holding something inside, but there’s a lingering softness just beneath it all.
A tenderness in the curves of his eyebrows and in the way he drags his teeth over his bottom lip.
Ever so slowly, he turns his head to the side. His gaze starts on the bottom hem of my worn sweatshirt, traveling up my torso, my neck, along my jaw, only stopping when it reaches my eyes. “I don’t think I am, pup.”
“Want to talk about it?” I question him, turning to angle my body toward him more.
His brows pinch together and his lips turn down in a frown. “I’m sorry for the other night.”
My stomach tumbles to the floor as the air leaves my lungs in a rush. There it is. The one phrase I had been hoping I wouldn’t hear from him. The single phrase that changes the trajectory of things between us. I thought I saw a hint of regret in his eyes that night and here is the confirmation.
I swallow hard over the lump in my throat, my spine immediately straightening. “It’s okay. I’d prefer to just forget that it happened, if that’s okay with you?” The words fall from my lips in rapid succession. “If you no longer feel comfortable having me watch Tella, I also understand that.”
“No, none of that is okay with me,” he says, his voice quiet as his eyebrows pull tighter together.
He slowly turns to face me, leaning forward as he grabs the leg of my lounge chair and pulls me closer.
He drags it across the stamped concrete until the corner of mine is between his legs.
He scoots to the edge, his knees pressing against mine.
“I’m sorry for letting you walk away. I’m sorry if I led you to believe it meant nothing to me. ”
My heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat. “What?”
“I don’t regret kissing you, Mia.” His throat bobs, his eyes slowly searching mine. “I regret letting you think I did.”
“But you’ve been avoiding me,” I tell him, my voice barely audible as his admission sinks deep into the fibers of my being. “You’ve barely spoken to me since that night.”
His nostrils flare. “Because all of this is fucking with my head, pup.” His tongue darts out to wet his lips and he pinches them together momentarily. “When I’m around you, I don’t think about her as often and I’m not sure what to do with that.”
My eyes bounce back and forth between his.
This is the moment where I should walk away.
Caleb Ford is the furthest thing from healed and I have no business thinking I can be the person to help guide him through that.
I’ve never lost anyone in my life, I don’t know the first thing about how it feels to try and move past the grief and guilt and all the emotions that come with it.
“I don’t want to be a problem for you,” I whisper.
“That’s not what I meant,” he says in a rush.
He lets out a breath, running a ragged hand through his hair.
“I tried dating about two years ago and it just wasn’t for me.
But with those women, it felt different than whatever this is between you and me,” he says, dropping his hands to his knees.
His fingers brush against my own, which sends a tingle up my arm.
Warmth radiates off him through the material of my sweatpants.
“I’m not ready for anything serious and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will be. ”
My mind plays back what Willow said. It doesn’t have to be serious. It can just be for the plot, for the fleeting moment passing through time. Caleb doesn’t have to become a permanent fixture. Instead, he can just be a short chapter. A piece of my past.
And for some reason, that feels like a complete disservice to this broken man in front of me.
“I’ve never done casual before,” I admit to him, tucking my hair behind my ears again.
I drop my own hands to my thighs, my fingers reaching toward Caleb’s.
The tips of his find mine and he slides them against the pads of my fingers until my hand unfurls for him.
When our palms touch, he laces our fingers together and gives my hand a little squeeze .
“But it’s not something I’m against trying. ”
The corners of his mouth twitch as he rolls his wrists, moving his other hand to cradle mine.
“I can’t stop thinking about you, pup.” A shiver slithers down my spine.
“I need you, but you need to know—I can never give you more than stolen moments when I’m home.
It can never be anything more than physical. ”
My stomach flutters, my heart racing inside my chest. “I’m not interested in anything serious,” I tell him what he needs to hear, the words tasting foreign on my tongue. Will I be able to keep it casual?
His eyes burn into mine, his throat bobbing as I inch to the edge of my lounge chair.
My knees press against the insides of his thighs. He breathes out, a low groan vibrating in his throat as my tongue darts out to lick the lies from my lips.
“I don’t want anything more.”