Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
CALEB
“You all right, Ford?” Rowan asks as he slides into the seat beside me. “You’ve been extra quiet all night.”
I slowly turn my head to look at my brother’s best friend. I’m not extra close to any of the guys other than my brother, but if I had to pick a close second, it would be Rowan Taylor. I watch him as he lifts his water bottle, taking a sip of it before resting it against his thigh.
“I’m good,” I tell him, tipping my chin before looking back at the TV ahead of us. “I just have a lot on my mind right now.”
Like clock work, Carson comes strolling over, plopping onto the couch next to me.
We all finished a morning practice session and were taking turns going over film with the coaching staff.
I already sat down with them and went over mine, so I decided to watch the replay of last night’s game while I wait for the rest of the guys.
“Hey, Cale,” Carson says, knocking his knee against mine. “What did I miss?”
“Not much,” Rowan tells him with a shrug. “Just trying to figure out why your brother’s so quiet today.”
I can feel Carson’s gaze searing the side of my face and I resist the urge to dig my elbow into Rowan’s side. “It’s nothing.”
It’s not nothing, but it’s not something I particularly feel inclined to talk about.
Motion over by the door catches my attention.
It’s Coach Landry coming to grab another player.
His eyes meet mine and something unreadable lingers in his gaze.
They narrow just a fraction of an inch, assessing me like I caught him doing earlier when it was my turn to go over film.
I don’t know why the hell he keeps looking at me like that, almost like he knows I kissed his daughter three nights ago.
“Taylor.” Coach says Rowan’s name in a clipped voice as he waves him over. The couch shifts as Rowan gets up, heading in the direction of the door. Coach Landry glances at me once more, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows and turns away.
“Something going on between you and Coach?” Carson asks, his voice dipping low so only I can hear him.
“Nothing that I know of. He seemed fine when I talked to him." I run my hand through my hair, letting out a deep breath as I turn to look at my brother. I don’t know if Mia would have said anything to him. I don’t know if he noticed the kiss cam before my little temper tantrum on the ice.
He hasn’t said a single thing to me that signals he’s mad or having an issue with me, but I’m not blind.
I’ve seen the little looks he’s been giving me all morning. “I think I’m just being paranoid.”
Carson’s eyebrows draw closer together. “Paranoid about what?”
Shit. I didn’t realize I said that aloud. I know I can trust my brother, but saying the words out loud seems like a betrayal to Amelia. And what’s fucked up is, it’s not in the least bit.
I tried dating three separate times about two years ago.
The three different women were nice and the dates were set up by some of the guys from the teams families.
Even one of them was Gloria’s niece. I made a whole-hearted attempt to connect with someone else for the sake of everyone pressing for me to do it.
It’s like everyone else was afraid for me to be alone forever. Like they were afraid I’d never move on from losing Amelia. Part of me didn’t want to and a part of me didn’t think I ever would. I still don’t know if any part of me today thinks I ever will, but something has changed.
I’ve begun to feel the loneliness everyone was worried about. Human connection is a huge part of life and I didn’t realize it was something I was missing until Mia. Until she offered that sense of safety, of comfort, of connection.
And that’s what makes it feel like the biggest betrayal of all. None of the other women made me feel like it was something worth my time, worth investing in. I only kissed one of them and it left me feeling numb. The entire kiss just felt forced and not right.
Everything with Mia feels different. It makes my heart race and my stomach flutter. It makes me forget what I’ve been missing in life.
“A few nights ago, after the game, the one where I got into that fight…” I pause, sucking in a deep breath before letting out an exaggerated exhale. “I kissed Mia.”
Carson is silent, his eyes widening as I turn to look at him. “Wait . . . what?”
“Yeah.” I chew on the inside of my cheek. “That entire night was just a mental fuck for me and it just kind of happened after we got back to the house.”
Carson stares at me. “You kissed Coach’s daughter? Your nanny?”
I roll my lips between my teeth, biting down as I nod my head.
“I think your paranoia is probably justifiable.”
My eyes narrow on him. “The only way he would know is if Mia said something to him.”
“Do you think she would?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him, lifting my shoulders and dropping them. “It was just a kiss and nothing more. I had a moment of weakness, a moment of vulnerability.”
“But you still did it,” Carson says, his voice dropping lower. His eyes slowly search mine. “If you’re worried, I think you should ask her about it.” He pauses, tilting his head to the side. “You know what they say—it’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.”
I purse my lips. “I think that might apply to anyone other than Coach.” I rub the back of my neck. “It’s not like it’s going to happen again.”
Carson raises an eyebrow at me. “Why not?”
“This was different than when I kissed Gloria’s niece.” I sigh, shaking my head at him. “When I kissed Mia—for those few moments, I was consumed by her—I completely forgot about Amelia. I forgot about what we had and what I lost.”
Carson’s expression softens, his lips lifting into a sad smile. “You know, Amelia wouldn’t want you alone. She wouldn’t want you miserable and by yourself for the rest of your life.”
“I’m not miserable,” I counter through a mumble.
Carson rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean. You’re not betraying her by moving on. You’re not forgetting her or replacing her.”
My stomach sinks. “It feels like it.”
“You’re not, Cale. Amelia was an amazing woman and we both know that no one can replace her.
There’s no way any of us could ever forget her.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t let yourself have feelings for someone else.
It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy being with someone else. You’re allowed to be happy.”
I stare at my brother for a moment, his words sinking down into my chest. I know he’s right, but it’s such a hard concept to wrap my mind around, even if it’s slowly happening without me realizing.
“One day, you’re going to fall in love again. One day, you’re going to love someone just as much, if not more than you loved her,” he says, staring at me intently. “And it will always be different, because it’s not her. And that love will never replace the love you had for Amelia.”
A ragged breath escapes me, my heart pounding erratically in my chest. “How can you truly believe any of this?” The thought of falling in love again is something I’ve refused to even entertain.
The thought of that vulnerability. The thought of taking that chance with someone else.
Risking it all, only to have the possibility of losing someone the same way I lost her.
It’s absolutely terrifying to even consider.
“Because I refuse to believe that there isn’t more for you, Cale. I refuse to believe that we live in a world where my brother doesn’t get his happily ever after.” He pauses, corkscrewing his mouth while he considers his next words. “Even if that means that it wasn’t with Amelia.”
The door opens once more, Rowan breezing through as he glances at my brother. “Your turn, Carsy.”
Carson grabs my knee, giving me a soft squeeze. “It will all be okay, Cale. What’s meant to be, will be, as long as you’re not stubborn enough to fight against it forever.”
Sadness wells in my chest, creeping up my throat. I turn my head to look back at the TV with his words ringing in my head long after he disappears through the doorway. I always thought Amelia was it for me and with her being gone, I never thought there could be someone who came after.
The possibility still seems so farfetched to me, but maybe my brother’s right.
Maybe letting myself feel again isn’t wrong, after all.