Chapter Thirty-Nine Sarah
As I pushed through the door of O’Brien’s bakery, I plastered a smile on my face at the sight of Joyce behind the counter. “Good afternoon,” I called in a fake cheerful tone.
At the momentary flash of shock on her face, I knew I must look on the outside like I did on the inside.
Maybe it was the greasy hair I’d swept back into a top not since I hadn’t had the energy to wash it in days.
Maybe it was because she was used to seeing me in my work clothes and not an oversized Philadelphia Flyers sweatshirt and ratty sweatpants.
“Um, hey. Would you like your usual today?”
“Yes, please.”
After whirling around, she grabbed a box for Sammy’s cupcakes. She counted out a dozen before turning back to me. “I’m surprised to see you considering it’s not Wednesday.”
“I had the day off, so I decided to surprise Sammy.”
The truth was I’d spiraled after Hudson and Tara’s visit. When I’d tried going home after my last patient to escape with alcohol, Mom had called me. Dad had been awake for twenty-four hours, and she needed me to sit with him so she could sleep.
And of course I did.
So I spent the evening tracking his movements. He’d become agitated about checking on things in the yard. When I tried keeping him inside since it was two am, he’d lashed out at me, calling me things he’d never said aloud before, least of all directed at me.
At that low point of my own father calling me a selfish cunt, I fought to keep myself from calling Maksim. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me everything would be okay. That he would do whatever he needed to take this burden from my mother and myself.
Because I knew Dad was going to go into personal care. He was going to hate it, and it was going to devastate my mom and me.
So, I’d called out of work claiming I had the flu. I was supposed to go back after my fever broke. Although I hated letting my patients down, I had no desire to go back anytime soon. Especially with things in the balance with Dad.
“That’s nice of you.” As she rang up the cupcakes, I handed her my debit card. “How’s Mr. Korolov?”
At the mention of his name, I froze. “He’s…”
A lying, deceitful bastard who broke my heart and crushed my soul.
“Busy,” I finally replied.
“I can imagine. He’s such a kind man. He paid us three times what our cupcakes were after he sent his bodyguard back that night.” With a wink, she said, “You two make a beautiful couple both on the inside and out.”
Please shut up. Please shut your fucking mouth, or I’m going to open my mouth and scream and never stop.
“I have to go,” I muttered before snatching my card from her hands and swiping the box of cupcakes off the counter.
“Wait. I have your receipt.”
“Keep it,” I called as I burst out the door.
Even though I wasn’t in any danger, I broke into a sprint.
I didn’t stop until I reached my car. Trying not to cry and have my face all red for Sammy, I eased the cupcakes down in the passenger seat.
With my chest heaving, I gripped the steering wheel and desperately tried to get a hold of my emotions.
Then I turned on the radio and flipped to a podcast. I didn’t even care about the subject matter at that moment–I just needed something to take my mind off things.
When I got to Sammy’s, I felt stronger emotionally. But I started to worry when I got to the door and he hadn’t come bounding out like he usually did. I’d texted him and let him know I was coming since he was off from work like me.
After pressing the Ring doorbell, I waited for him to answer the door. When he finally came, he didn’t have a smile for me. Panicked, I rushed through the door the moment he opened it. “What’s wrong, Mr. Sweetface?”
“I’m sad.”
Putting the cupcakes down on the foyer table, I turned to him. “Did you have a fight with one of the guys?”
When he shook his head miserably, I asked, “Did someone say something mean to you at work yesterday?” On more than one occasion, he’d been the recipient of someone’s ignorant bias.
After he once again shook his head, I asked. “Did Madison break up with you?”
“No. But you broke up with Maksim.”
His admission sent me staggering back. “Who told you that?”
“He did.”
“Why were you talking to him?” I demanded.
“I texted him to see if he would come watch Batman with me. But he said he couldn’t because he didn’t want to upset you because you two aren’t together anymore.”
I fought the urge to castrate Maksim at that moment. Deep down, I knew there was nothing wrong with what he had said, but I hated for him to have upset Sammy.
With a ragged sigh, I said, “He’s right. It would upset me. Maksim hurt my feelings really badly, and I don’t want to see or talk to him.”
“Ever?” Sammy questioned incredulously.
“Ever,” I murmured.
To my utter horror, he burst into tears. “But he was my friend!”
“I know that, but you have other friends.”
“Friends like me, but not like him.”
My heart ached for him because I knew he was right. There weren’t many people like Maksim, especially men. Most were caught up in their own lives and didn’t have the time or energy to devote to someone who wasn’t exactly on their intellectual level.
“I’m sorry, Sammy. But he did something very bad.”
“Did he tell you he was sorry?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t make it okay.”
“But you always tell me if someone says they’re sorry, I have to accept it.”
I rubbed my eyes. “I wish it were that simple with me and Maksim.”
“It could be if you’d just try.”
The frayed strands of my sanity snapped in that moment. The heartache, the sleepless nights, and all the pain converged on that one moment.
Throwing up my hands, I shouted, “You’re never going to understand why because it’s totally beyond you, okay?”
Oh God. I shouted at Sammy. I’d not only shouted, but I’d said something unforgivable.
As his face crumpled, I threw my hands over my mouth. “Oh, Sammy, I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I know I don’t get some big people stuff, but I’m not stupid.”
“No, you’re not. I was so, so wrong to say that.”
He shook his head angrily. “You’re being stubborn to protect yourself. But it’s too much. It’s making you say mean things you would never say.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. “You do understand.”
His finger pointed at the door. “No go. I don’t want to talk to you until you’re not mean anymore.”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Sweetface. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“You better. And you better forgive Maksim.”
And then he whirled around and ran out of the room, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered self.