Chapter 7 Malin
MALIN
No matter how loudly I turn the volume up, I can still hear Ryan chastising me. For any reason at all. Mostly, it revolves around Gracen. Has he figured out that I can’t hear him when I’m close to Gracen?
I close my eyes as the hot sun heats my cheeks and try to get lost in the music. But Ryan is there, talking over the music. Reminding me I need cleansing. It’s been years since he cleansed my sins. Years.
My chest throbs when I remember the early days of cleansing and how much agony it caused. The pain was so bad. Ryan said it’d get better once I stopped being such a sinful child. It did get better, but it still hurt too.
I sometimes felt dirtier after my cleansings than I did before them. But Ryan was always there to hold me close and tell me how good I was. Such a perfect boy. He was so proud of me. He loved me so much.
Gritting my teeth, I turn the volume up louder, making the memory dissipate. I don’t want to remember.
Go away! That was bad touch! You should be in hell.
I’m not sure I believe in heaven or hell. It’s hard to believe in something you don’t see. It’s even harder to believe in something when the message behind it is so twisted.
I don’t even know if he belongs in hell. Everyone says he does, but… he loved me. Does loving me mean he deserves to go to hell?
A splash of water makes me open my eyes. The music is so loud that I didn’t hear the commotion of the quad in their big party raft coming toward me until they’re right here.
Orev and Arek are just like Loren. They look just like Loren, too. Dark hair, dark eyes. Dark aura. Their sense of humor is very dry, and a little unhinged, even at six. All the signs are there that they’re also inflicted with an antisocial disorder.
Adem and Rosalie aren’t quite the same. Rosalie will certainly laugh at their darker humor, but she’s all kinds of soft and sweet. Adem is nothing like the three of them. He’s completely neurotypical.
These four kids came from three different surrogates, all implanted on the same day and born on the same day—by design. Three was the magic number, and Loren wanted all three pregnancies at once. Orev and Arek are identical twins. Three babies were planned for. Not four.
We still call them the quad, even though they came from different surrogates. That’s how they’re raised, and we respect that.
Unlike Emerson and Axl, who have the run of the property already, unless the quads are with some of the older kids, their parents are never far. I can see both Oakley and Loren on the shore under an umbrella.
Now that I’m looking, I can see Gracen sitting on the dock too.
Rosalie lays her body over the edge of the giant float and taps my leg. When she has my attention, she points at the headphones. I pull them down.
“Want to come on the big float with us, Uncle Malin?” she asks.
The party float fits eight. That’s what it was bought for. The lake feels a little small for it, though it’s not by any means. Maybe hanging with the kids will silence Ryan for a while. Give him other subjects to comment on how sinful they’re being.
Nodding, I lean over and adjust myself on the float so I can climb onto theirs. Orev joins his sister over the side to keep my float steady while I shimmy aboard theirs. Theirs has a canopy over the couch area. Honestly, the reprieve from the sun is welcome.
“We’re going to pick up Uncle Gracen. I think he’ll want to join us, too,” Rosalie says.
I’m impressed when they manage to paddle this thing to the dock. They don’t even need to ask. Gracen is already on his feet. He ties my lounger float to the dock and then climbs on and sits beside me.
Maybe I scoot a little closer. As soon as I catch his cologne or whatever it is, Ryan’s voice silences, though I can still see him in the corner of my eye. He’s furious. I don’t know what he’s saying, but I can imagine it.
Sinful beast. I need to be cleansed all night.
I turn my attention away and watch the kids. Arek, Adem, and Rosalie are sitting at the front of the float with their feet hanging in the water. Orev is sitting on the raised floor of the section we’re in, watching his siblings.
We’re floating freely now. There’s music, but it’s not loud. There are no words to it either. Just the acoustics. It’s… nice. Soothing. I close my eyes and let my head rest against Gracen’s shoulder.
When I open my eyes, I realize I must have fallen asleep. It’s my first sleep in so long that didn’t have Ryan interrupting. My nap might have been short, but I feel much more energized.
Also, my hand is on Gracen’s leg. His hairy leg. He’s so hairy. My fingers flex as they move through the hair, and for some reason, it makes me smile.
“The kids are driving us toward shore to get snacks. You hungry?”
I’m about to say no, but my stomach clenches. “Yes.”
“Add one more meal, Adem,” Gracen says.
“Okay, Unc.”
The kids look at age, and that’s what determines who’s an uncle and who’s a cousin. Basically, anyone older than me is an uncle. If we went by relations, it gets a little murky. Technically speaking, Greylyn is an aunt to seven of the kids who are older than her.
It’s much easier to go by age. It’s easier for me not to think about it. Even though I’ve been here for nearly all their lives, it’s still confusing. Probably because Jalon’s brothers are so much closer to his sons’ ages than they are to his. It makes it all as clear as thick chowder.
Ryan is still there when I pick my head up, sitting just outside my peripheral vision.
I focus on the kids and marvel at how self-sufficient they are.
These kids are some of the richest on the planet, and yet, their independence is incredible.
You’d think they’d suffer the opposite ailment and be uselessly spoiled with no ability to even wash themselves on their own.
I can’t imagine doing even a quarter of what they’re doing when I was their age. Granted, my life looked very different.
We bump into the dock, and Oakley hands over boxes of food. They’re the kind of boxes that contain an entire meal. Loren loads a new cooler filled with fresh drinks.
“Thanks, Daddy,” Rosalie says, batting her eyes.
Oakley eats it up. Obviously. Loren is far too removed from human emotions to take the bait. That doesn’t mean he’s not obsessively protective of his kids and won’t give them anything they ask for. It just means he can’t be manipulated in the same way others are. He keeps the kids honest for sure.
Rosalie hands me and Gracen boxes, and I almost skip eating because it means sliding further away, and when I’m further away, I’ll hear Ryan’s voice again. I don’t know what it is about Gracen that silences him, but I want to cling to it with everything in me.
“Are you okay?” Gracen asks. Probably because I’m still clinging to his side.
“Yes, I’m…” What can I say to stay close?
The kids are seated on the floor at our feet. They have everything from their boxes dumped into a pile between them and are divvying it up. Kids are weird.
“It’s all right,” Gracen says after a minute. His voice is quiet. “You can sit close to me and eat.”
He sees through me. Does he see Ryan, too? Does he hear him? I look around, wondering if others see my hallucinations. Ryan is sitting beside me. I can almost feel his touch as he tries to force me away from Gracen.
No one else seems to notice him, though. No one takes any notice of his constant scolding. Not even Gracen seems to notice.
Why would they, though? It’s all in my head. I’m punishing myself for not dying with him. That’s what a therapist told me when I said I see and hear him. It’s just me. It’s everything he’s done to me. It’s all I’ve ever known.
I’m not even sure they’re wrong.
“Thanks,” I say, and open my box with the hand not on his leg. There are half a dozen food items in it, one of which is a delicious-looking sandwich. I could really use both hands for this. It takes me a moment of debating my options to determine how to make this work.
I slide my leg over so it’s in contact with Gracen’s. He shifts so his leg is closer, and I don’t have to awkwardly reach so far. There. That’s better. I’m close enough that I can smell the wonderful scent that is Gracen Van Doren. I can feel him right here. And I can eat.
This might be the first time since leaving the island that I almost feel at peace. I can listen to the kids talk without Ryan’s narration. I can taste the food instead of finishing quickly, so I can get away from those around me in case they suddenly hear Ryan listing my sins.
I don’t want anyone else to believe that I’m as dirty and sinful as he says I am. I’ve never been so dirty and sinful in my entire life since Ryan died. At least, that’s what he says. Has he lied to me before? Was I sinful just so he could punish me?
Wait… Cleanse me. He never punished me. Never.
Which is not what my therapists say. They often interchange cleanse with punish. But they don’t understand. Cleansings weren’t punishment. They were to help those who sinned become worthy of god and heaven. They were helpful. Necessary.
They say I’m brainwashed.
I sigh and take my time eating to enjoy the flavors and the peace. Even with Ryan right there, so close, I can’t hear him. I can tilt my head and not see him.
Is this what it’s like to be a normal boy? Normal people don’t hear ghosts from their past.
When we’re finished eating, Gracen moves away long enough to take care of our containers. I hear Ryan loud and clear for a solid two minutes as he tells me how disgusting I am. But then Gracen is back with drinks, and I’m surrounded by blessed silence again.
We continue floating around with the kids for quite some time. Eventually, Loren and Oakley join us. I listen to them talk and note how similar their interactions are to Avory and Ellory’s. Are all people in love like this?
Is that what I’d see if I were watching from outside and observing me and Ryan when he was alive? He always said he loved me more than anything. He’d do anything for me. To protect me. To make me happy.
Without Ryan in my head, I actually talk to them. To the adults and the kids. I think I’ve said more in the couple of hours we floated around after we ate than I have in months combined. And I have Gracen to thank for that.
Whatever magic this man holds, he alone has the ability to shut off Ryan’s voice. I’ve never known peace like this. Not in my entire life.
How do I keep it? How do I bottle it up and take it with me?
I look at Gracen and think, maybe I just need to keep him with me all the time. That’s not such a bad idea. Although… the thought makes my heart race.
Strange.