Chapter 33 Josh
Josh
“Okay, I’ll ask again. And this time I want a straight answer.” She hitched the blanket up around her chest, depriving me of the most gorgeous view.
I leaned back and put my arms behind my head, desperate to enjoy this bliss a little longer. To pull her into my arms and demand she be mine forever.
But we needed boundaries, and Celine needed time. And I was hardly in a position to complain. She’d spent the day here with my family and then she’d snuck into my bed.
She opened her mouth to speak and then paused. “Wait a second.” She held the comforter up to her face and took a sniff.
I was seized by panic. I’d just changed these sheets.
“Last time I was up here, the sheet smelled like lavender,” she said suspiciously. “Did you change detergent?”
I pretended not to understand. She reached for a pillow, pulling it up to her face. “Yes. This is different.”
“I got new stuff,” I said nonchalantly.
She pinned me with a glare. “This isn’t new stuff. This”—she took another sniff—“is unscented organic detergent. I know it because I use it.”
I nodded, feeling even more naked than I had a few minutes ago.
“I noticed,” I said slowly, “that you used it. And I did some googling and thought that harsh detergent smells may be tough for Julian.”
Her eyes widened. “You did?”
“Yeah.” I ran my hand through my hair, trying not to feel like a stalker. “Got it online. Not a big deal. I thought maybe, um…” I trailed off. “That if you guys ever came over to hang out, I didn’t want him to have to deal with any challenging smells.”
She looked at me, blinking a few times. “Not a big deal,” she muttered to herself. “Why are you single?” she asked suddenly, poking me in the chest with one finger.
I laughed. “Because I’ve been waiting for you.”
She only glared.
“Just because it’s cheesy doesn’t mean it isn’t true.” I pulled her down for a kiss.
“I’m serious,” she said, snuggling into my side. “How are you still single? Sure, your lectures about sap lines and the Brix scale are kind of boring, but—”
I squeezed her ass, making her squeal.
“I’m bad at small talk.”
“Nope. Not buying it. You’re kind. You’re steady. You show up. You’ve got a great dick. And yet you’re still single. It’s statistically unlikely.”
I closed my eyes. This woman. “Maybe I’m doing it on purpose?”
“Why on earth would you deprive the female population of your charms?”
She was teasing. I could continue teasing back, hoping we moved on to another topic quickly. Or I could deflect.
But neither felt right. Maybe it was the post orgasmic glow or having the woman of my dreams in my arms, but my defense mechanisms were nowhere to be found.
I wanted Celine to know me.
“I was engaged,” I said.
Her eyes widened and the hand she’d been dragging over my pecs stopped.
“Four years ago.”
She nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It wasn’t a good relationship. And everyone involved is better off now.”
Her lips parted like she was going to ask me to elaborate on that, but instead, she put her head on my chest and sighed.
“Doesn’t matter,” she whispered. “Ending a relationship is difficult every time.”
“I lived in New York before I took over the farm,” I explained. “Feels like a lifetime ago. But I worked in finance. Spreadsheets and projections, that kind of thing.”
I brushed a hand down her rib cage, letting the softness of her skin soothe me.
“My ex-fiancée, Allie, she was restless. Unsatisfied. Our relationship struggled, but I thought we’d have time to work on things. Then she got pregnant.”
Celine stiffened in my arms.
“I was so happy,” I said, forcing myself to go on. “I’d always dreamed of being a dad.”
A lump formed in my throat. Even after all these years, I still ached for it. For the thing I’d never had. I’d loved that baby so deeply, even when she was hypothetical.
I’d had the pregnancy tracker on my phone and kept track religiously. One week it was a poppy seed, the next a blueberry.
And I’d been ready. Sure, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but this child was. This child would fix things and give me the purpose I’d been lacking.
“With a dad like mine, I grew up with very specific beliefs about fatherhood. About what it meant to raise children. And even though the pregnancy wasn’t part of the plan, I was ready for the challenge.
” I’d never forget that first ultrasound.
Seeing the tiny beating heart, listening to its rhythm.
Even now, that heartbeat haunted my dreams. The steady drum of what I’d never have. What could never be mine.
“After her first ultrasound, Allie sat me down and told me that she’d cheated on me. That she was leaving me.”
“Oh my God.” Celine sat up and threw her arms around my neck, puling me close.
“I worked too much. I was too serious. I was no fun. We didn’t go to clubs anymore.” A humorless laugh escaped me. “I assumed that I didn’t have to go to clubs after age thirty. Apparently I was wrong. I was boring.”
“You are not boring.”
“I didn’t pay enough attention or make her feel special. There was truth there. I saw that. I wasn’t an emotional guy. I kept quiet, put my head down, and worked.”
It still stung. I thought that I was enough for her. I thought what we had was flawed but real.
“We did genetic testing shortly after. Turns out I wasn’t the child’s father.”
“Oh Josh. I’m so sorry.”
At the time, the grief was unbearable. The loss of that child hit me harder than the loss of my fiancée. It felt like the cruelest blow, taking away the one thing that I’d wanted more than anything.
“She married the other guy. They had another child too. From what I’ve heard, they’re happy and healthy.
When she moved out, I decided it was time for a change.
So I packed up my own stuff, sold the condo, and moved home.
My dad had passed and my mom was struggling to manage the farm, even with the help of Jenn and Jasper.
So I came back and took over. My siblings all had their own lives and dreams. And I had nothing. ”
“Not true.”
My vision blurred with tears. “Though I was suffering a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone, if that hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t have spent those last few years of Mom’s life with her.
I was here when she needed me. I took care of her when she was sick.
Listened to her retell stories from my childhood. And it was a blessing.”
This farm, this land, had given me purpose. It wasn’t glamorous, but my financial experience had helped me turn the place around.
My siblings and nieces and nephews now had a financial cushion. Uncle Ed and Aunt Suzie retired. I contributed to the local economy, kept jobs local, and honored what my family had been doing for generations.
“I used to think love was an endurance event,” I explained. “That even when it felt wrong, the best thing to do was hold on.” I would have loved Allie and that baby forever if she’d wanted me to. Because that was how I was built.
And no matter what Jasper said, it wasn’t so easy. To just try again.
“I’ve had no interest in anyone since,” I explained. “The curiosity and attraction were just… gone. Gabe and Logan kept pushing me to date, to get on the apps, but I didn’t want to.”
Her hold on me tightened. I loved her in that moment. For helping me say things out loud I’d never said before. To give me space to lay out my shame and my shortcomings without judgment.
“Until you,” I said softly. “You changed everything.”
She sucked in a startled breath. “I can’t give you—”
“I know. And I’ll take whatever you’re offering. There is no rush.”
“It’s just I’ve got to get through the parole hearing,” she murmured. “I’ve got calls with my lawyer set up, and I have to be interviewed by a member of the parole board. I’ll probably have to go back to Maine at some point.”
She was spiraling, the weight of what she perceived were my expectations on her pulling her down.
“Celine,” I said softly. Squeezing her hand. “I’m not asking for anything. You and the kids at family dinner today? Incredible. Sneaking into my bed tonight? A dream come true. If that’s all I get, then I’m okay with it.”
Her eyes welled. “I’m sorry.”
“Take care of yourself and take care of your kids,” I said, my heart aching. “I’ll wait forever if you want me to.”