Chapter Four
“Well, that was disappointing,” Marin said as she followed Charlotte into her house, a cute little bungalow on the outskirts of town.
They’d spent a fruitless morning house hunting, viewing four properties that had all ended up not working out for one reason or another.
The last house they’d visited was only a few minutes from where Charlotte lived, so she’d invited Marin to her place for lunch.
“I’m sorry our morning was a bust, but I’m glad it led to us having lunch together.
” Charlotte was radiant today. Her curly blond hair was long and loose over her shoulders, slightly windblown from the mountain air.
She had on just enough makeup to accentuate her features, and her blue eyes danced with energy and enthusiasm, accentuated by the royal blue scarf looped around her neck.
It seemed to Marin that Charlotte had only gotten more beautiful since they first met, or more likely, she looked the same, but after two years spent fantasizing about her, Marin had developed an unhealthy crush on her new friend. At least she’d had decades of practice hiding her feelings.
“Anyway,” Charlotte said as she got a bowl of pasta salad out of her fridge. “Tell me more about how things are going. How was your first class? How are you liking Vermont? How did you end up adopting a puppy? I want to know everything.”
So, they sat together at the kitchen table with fresh fruit and pasta salad, and Marin told her how much she’d enjoyed standing in front of a room full of students while she tried to engage them in the power of statistics.
She told Charlotte about her appointment with Susan and the puppies and how little Ember had stolen her heart.
By the time they finished lunch, she was relaxed and happy, having forgotten all about the disappointing morning of house hunting. She and Charlotte relocated to the living room, where they settled together on an oversize blue sofa, leaving an empty cushion between them.
“The last time we talked,” Charlotte said, “you mentioned that you’re starting a new chapter here, that you’re making some big changes in your life. What does that mean, exactly?” Her brow furrowed. “I just realized that might be too personal of a question. Sorry.”
Marin felt a punch of adrenaline, because this was it.
This was her moment to finally come out for the first time.
She was equal parts bursting with anticipation and seized with a jittery fear.
She’d been waiting such a long time to say these words, it was almost overwhelming.
“It’s personal, but it’s something I think I’d like to share with you. ”
Charlotte shook her head. “Don’t tell me unless you’re sure. I wasn’t trying to pry, honest.”
“I’m sure.” Marin sucked in a deep breath, steadying herself. “I . . . the thing is, I’m a lesbian.”
“Oh.” Charlotte’s eyes widened for a moment, and then she grinned. “Is that all? I thought you were about to tell me something shocking, but that’s cool. This is a very queer-friendly state. I don’t know why I had it in my head that you were married to a man, though.”
Marin exhaled with a burst of nervous laughter. After all this time, she’d finally said the words, but she’d forgotten to tell Charlotte a very important part of her truth. “I was married to a man. I mean, I’ve never actually . . . you’re the first person I’ve told.”
Charlotte’s eyes went even wider this time. “Oh my god. You just came out to me? Like for the first time? Ever?”
Marin nodded. Hysteria bubbled up inside her, and she had the totally irrational urge to laugh again, but she swallowed it down. “Yes. That’s exactly what I just did.”
“Holy shit.” Charlotte gaped at her. “I don’t know what the protocol is here.
No one’s ever come out to me before . . .
like, I mean, of course I know gay people, but I don’t think I’ve been the first person someone’s told.
Oh my god, I’m blowing this. Congratulations!
This is a big deal for you, and I’m so glad you felt like you could tell me. That’s an honor. Really.”
“Thanks.” Marin wasn’t quite sure what to do with herself. Her skin felt hot, and her heart was beating so fast, but she also felt lighter for having finally said the words out loud. Maybe she hadn’t fully realized until that moment how much space they’d been taking up inside her.
“So is this a new realization for you, then, that you like women?” Charlotte paused. “And if I’m being nosy, please tell me to buzz off. I’m just curious by nature.”
“It’s not a new realization, actually. I’ve known for a while.
” Marin sucked in a lungful of air and blew it out slowly.
“And you’re not being nosy. I’ve been trying to find the courage to tell someone for a long time.
I came to Vermont with the idea to just be .
. . out, but now that I’m here, I realize it’s not that simple.
Telling my story for the first time is a big deal, even if people here don’t have preconceived notions that I’m straight. It’s been really intimidating.”
“I’m sure it has. So would you like to, then?” Charlotte turned to face her, wrapping her arms around her knees. “Tell me your story, I mean? Because I’d love to hear it.”
“I would,” Marin said, suddenly bursting to share her truth. “And actually, I think I need to start all the way at the beginning, if you don’t mind.”
Charlotte nodded, eyes locked on Marin’s.
“The first thing to know about me is that I’m the youngest of five.
My parents never said so, but it’s pretty obvious that I was a later-in-life ‘oops.’ My siblings are significantly older, and no one ever seemed to know quite what to do with me .
. . like I was an afterthought. We weren’t poor, but five kids definitely strained the budget. ”
“I can imagine.”
“From an early age, I learned to go with the flow and do what was expected of me. I tried not to take up too much space, you know?”
“I guess I can see how that would happen,” Charlotte said. “But it makes me sad to think of little Marin being afraid to take up space.”
“Oh, don’t feel sad. I had a happy childhood.
There was plenty of love to go around, but I always felt somewhat disconnected from my siblings, being so much younger.
They weren’t my playmates so much as . .
. babysitters, if that makes sense. By the time I was a teenager, they were grown.
It was just me and my older and very conservative parents in the house.
So when I went off to college, I was probably more naive than the average student.
I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. ”
“I didn’t really, either, when I started college,” Charlotte said. “No clue at all.”
Marin gave her a grateful smile. “There were . . . signs . . . in hindsight. Female friends I felt a little too close to, a female professor I definitely had a crush on.” She rolled her eyes at herself.
“But my parents had drilled into me from a young age that I was expected to get my degree and then get married .
. . to a man. Again, I was naive. And eager to please.
So when I met Andrew, I put all my energy into that relationship.
“He seemed perfect. He was charming. Funny. My parents loved him, and so did my friends. He was so romantic, always bringing me flowers and gifts, and I thought I was so lucky to have him. My friends started asking if I thought he was going to propose, and that felt kind of scary for some reason, but I wasn’t sure why.
I once confessed to a friend that our sex life wasn’t that exciting for me, and she told me that’s just how it is once you’re in an established relationship, so when he did propose, I said yes. ”
Charlotte watched quietly, her eyes never leaving Marin.
“I was twenty-four when we got married, had just finished my master’s and was planning to go for my PhD.
I’d always wanted to teach, but Andrew convinced me I’d make more money, and sooner, going into finance instead.
I’m not proud of the way I let myself be influenced back then, but .
. . as they say, it sounded like a good idea at the time. ”
“Hey, I’m the last person to judge on past decisions,” Charlotte said. “I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. Probably, most of us look back and wish we’d made different choices, but we were doing the best we could with the knowledge we had then.”
“Yeah, so things were okay for a few years. Andrew and I were reasonably happy. Sex was kind of a chore for me, but it wasn’t terrible.
I . . .” Her cheeks felt uncomfortably hot.
It was hard to share these intimate details about herself with someone, and while she felt close to Charlotte, they really hadn’t known each other very long.
“I was in denial for a long time, but on some level, I think I always knew.
I fantasized about women . . . and only women.
“I’ve always been a huge book lover, but I think I subconsciously avoided reading queer stories because I was afraid of how they might make me feel.
My book club chose The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, and my first thought was ‘Ugh, seven men!’ and then I found out it was a sapphic love story, and I balked.
I actually considered skipping that month so I wouldn’t have to read it. What can I say? The denial ran deep.”
Again, Charlotte gave her an encouraging look.
“I read that book, and . . . let’s just say, my eyes were opened.
” Marin exhaled. “I was forced to face reality. Not only did I not love my husband, I wasn’t attracted to men at all.
I started reading as many sapphic books as I could get my hands on, fantasizing that I could have what those women had .
. . a passionate, loving relationship with another woman.
Andrew and I still shared a bed, but I was dreaming about a different life. ”
“Is that when you decided to leave him?” Charlotte asked.