Chapter Four #2
She let out a bitter laugh. “I wish, but no. He has a big personality, and by this time, we’d been married for a decade or so.
I didn’t want to rock the boat. Also, my parents were in their seventies then and having a lot of health problems. It was a difficult time.
I lost my mom to cancer and my dad to a heart attack, both of them gone before I turned forty. ”
“I’m so sorry you went through that,” Charlotte said, her tone sympathetic.
“A hazard of having older parents, I guess. Anyway, after they were gone, I started thinking again . . . I needed to divorce Andrew, but as much as I hated living in a loveless marriage, it was terrifying to think of blowing up my whole life by divorcing him, especially because he’s not a bad guy.
We had some good times together. So I kept putting it off, waiting for the right moment.
” She took a deep breath and stared straight at Charlotte.
“Until you sat beside me on that bus and read me a horoscope about how it was time to be my authentic self. I was floored.”
Charlotte pressed a hand to her mouth. “Wow, yeah. I could tell those words meant something to you, but I had no idea.”
“I didn’t believe in signs, but my god, how could I see that as anything but?”
Charlotte nodded, looking slightly breathless.
“I decided, okay, maybe it’s really time.” Her chest constricted, and she rubbed a hand against it. “I was feeling pretty determined when I got off the bus, and then, of course, that car hit me.”
“Oh, Marin . . .”
“I could feel myself slipping away. I don’t know how to describe it.
” She steeled herself against the shakiness that gripped her every time she relived her brush with death.
“The pain was so overwhelming that I felt almost disconnected from my body. Not numb, but . . . separate. It was a kind of terror I didn’t know was possible, because I felt myself dying.
I knew it was happening, and I was just .
. . so scared. And so sad.” A tear slipped over her cheek, and she swiped at it with a trembling hand.
“It was pretty damn terrifying for me just watching, so I can only imagine.”
“People talk about your life flashing before your eyes, but it wasn’t like that at all, at least not for me.
I just kept thinking about all my regrets.
I was devastated that I would die without ever having found the courage to live.
It was a horrible feeling.” She shuddered.
Behind the fear and the crushing sadness, she’d been so cold.
There’d been so much pain. It was disorienting and terrifying and so traumatic she could hardly bring herself to think about it at all.
“I’m so sorry.” Charlotte touched her hand. Her fingers were so warm. It made Marin realize how cold hers had become by comparison, as if she were reliving the way it had felt to nearly die on a snow-covered street.
“I have no memory of the time my heart stopped. No white light. Nothing.” She took another deep breath.
“I was there on the street, and then I was in the hospital, hooked to machines and clinging to life. But I was alive, and I vowed right there in the hospital bed that if I made it home, if I got a second chance, I was going to start living my life the way I’d always wanted to.
I wasn’t holding anything back this time. ”
“Good for you. Goddammit, Marin, I’m so happy you’re getting that chance.”
“Yeah, me too.” Another burst of anxious laughter escaped her.
This didn’t feel like the right moment to laugh, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself.
She laughed, and then she hiccupped, and suddenly she was crying.
Her breath hitched as the tears started, and just like with her laughter, the tears seemed to pour out without permission. “I’m sorry. I just . . .”
“Don’t you dare apologize.” Charlotte scooted closer on the couch, resting a hand on Marin’s shoulder. “That was a hell of a story you just told, and it sounds like you’d been holding it in a long time. I think these tears are a cleansing.”
Marin pressed a hand over her eyes, embarrassed by her tears, because they just would not stop. But the ache in her chest lessened with each sob, like pressure had been building there for the last twenty years or so, maybe her entire forty-seven years, and now she’d finally found the release valve.
What must Charlotte think, first watching Marin nearly die and now watching her fall apart? Why couldn’t Marin ever just act like a competent adult in front of her? “Sorry,” she whispered, wiping furiously at her face.
“What did I just say? Please don’t apologize. Here.”
Marin looked up to see Charlotte holding out a packet of tissues, which she accepted gratefully.
She wiped her eyes, removing most of her makeup in the process, but it was too late to worry about her appearance.
Maybe this was one way to get her attraction to Charlotte under control, because even if Charlotte liked women—which was a big if since Charlotte had definitely responded to Marin’s announcement like a straight ally—she certainly wouldn’t be interested in someone as messy as Marin had been in her presence.
Friendship, though. Hopefully that was still on the table.
“Sometimes there’s nothing better than a good cry,” Charlotte said.
Marin managed a shaky smile, surprised to realize she did feel better. “Maybe. Still, I didn’t mean to fall apart in front of you like that.”
“Pfft.” Charlotte made a dismissive gesture with her hand.
“That’s what friends are for, right? And seriously, I’m just so happy you’re getting that second chance.
You’re going to have all the experiences you’ve been wanting.
It’s fantastic, and I’m gladder than ever that we’ve reconnected, because I can’t wait to watch you thrive. ”